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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 605479" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Wearycathy, welcome. I am so very sorry you are going through all of this with your step daughter. Borderline and Bi-Polar can be exceedingly difficult people to be in relationship with, especially as a parent.</p><p></p><p>Many of us here have similar stories. I do. My daughter is 40, no dxs but many issues like your step daughter. I am raising my 17 year old granddaughter, so I understand your great sorrow about your grandson. I also get how much havoc one person can wreck in a family, the damage is unfathomable. I am so sorry.</p><p></p><p>I think in removing yourself from your daughter's life, you have done the only and the healthiest thing you can do. </p><p></p><p>How do you move on? I can answer that from my own experience. You do everything you can to support <strong>YOU.</strong> You make <strong>yourself</strong> the focus and take the focus off of your step daughter (and her son, for him for now) You contact NAMI, which is the National Alliance on Mental Illness, you can access them online, they have chapters everywhere. They have excellent parent groups which will give you the support and tools you need to learn how to detach. They can also guide you to resources for your step daughter if that is something you are interested in offering her. It may be helpful to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post.</p><p></p><p>In addition, it is wise, in my opinion, to seek professional help. Find a therapist to support you to learn to detach and to accept what you cannot change. Attend CODA 12 step groups, or any parent groups for other parents facing what you are. Read books. Keep posting here. Read posts of others who are going through similar things so you can gain clarity, understanding and strength. People who don't have to deal with this don't understand it, so it's usually better to share yourself with others who are familiar with these issues so you don't get judged and ridiculed by others who simply don't know. </p><p></p><p>Make your time and your energy about what you love to do, what makes you happy, what nurtures you, what makes you laugh, what brings you peace and joy. You cannot change another who has no commitment to change. You did not cause this, you can't change it nor can you control it. It is up to her. You have to learn how to let go,and for me that involved professional support.</p><p></p><p>As time goes by, if you are interested in helping your grandson, you might involve CPS........perhaps you or someone else in your family would be willing to get guardianship or custody. But until you get away, take care of YOU and understand where your boundaries are with your step daughter and just how much you are NOT willing to tolerate anymore, I would put that aside, unless you think he is in immediate danger, in which case you can get temporary guardianship. If you have the resources an attorney well versed in custody/guardianship would be a prudent choice.</p><p></p><p>When you're dealing with this level of mental illness, it takes an enormous toll on you and your family. A toll you may not even be aware of until she is away from all of you for some time and you cease to walk on egg shells. It takes a toll and it takes time to move away from all the damage she created. Once you move away from her, and begin to take your life back and get some help, the pieces of your life will begin to fall into place. It is one helluva process. I've been there too, so my best advice to you is be i<strong>ncredibly kind to yourself.</strong> </p><p></p><p>You can't change her, but you can change your responses to her and you can stop enabling her and you can stay away from her. You can learn to detach and accept what you can't change. You can learn to live a fulfilling, peaceful, joyful life regardless of what your step daughter is doing or not doing. You've taken a big step by coming here and telling your story. We get it. Keep posting, it helps. I wish you peace and send you HUGS..........</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 605479, member: 13542"] Wearycathy, welcome. I am so very sorry you are going through all of this with your step daughter. Borderline and Bi-Polar can be exceedingly difficult people to be in relationship with, especially as a parent. Many of us here have similar stories. I do. My daughter is 40, no dxs but many issues like your step daughter. I am raising my 17 year old granddaughter, so I understand your great sorrow about your grandson. I also get how much havoc one person can wreck in a family, the damage is unfathomable. I am so sorry. I think in removing yourself from your daughter's life, you have done the only and the healthiest thing you can do. How do you move on? I can answer that from my own experience. You do everything you can to support [B]YOU.[/B] You make [B]yourself[/B] the focus and take the focus off of your step daughter (and her son, for him for now) You contact NAMI, which is the National Alliance on Mental Illness, you can access them online, they have chapters everywhere. They have excellent parent groups which will give you the support and tools you need to learn how to detach. They can also guide you to resources for your step daughter if that is something you are interested in offering her. It may be helpful to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post. In addition, it is wise, in my opinion, to seek professional help. Find a therapist to support you to learn to detach and to accept what you cannot change. Attend CODA 12 step groups, or any parent groups for other parents facing what you are. Read books. Keep posting here. Read posts of others who are going through similar things so you can gain clarity, understanding and strength. People who don't have to deal with this don't understand it, so it's usually better to share yourself with others who are familiar with these issues so you don't get judged and ridiculed by others who simply don't know. Make your time and your energy about what you love to do, what makes you happy, what nurtures you, what makes you laugh, what brings you peace and joy. You cannot change another who has no commitment to change. You did not cause this, you can't change it nor can you control it. It is up to her. You have to learn how to let go,and for me that involved professional support. As time goes by, if you are interested in helping your grandson, you might involve CPS........perhaps you or someone else in your family would be willing to get guardianship or custody. But until you get away, take care of YOU and understand where your boundaries are with your step daughter and just how much you are NOT willing to tolerate anymore, I would put that aside, unless you think he is in immediate danger, in which case you can get temporary guardianship. If you have the resources an attorney well versed in custody/guardianship would be a prudent choice. When you're dealing with this level of mental illness, it takes an enormous toll on you and your family. A toll you may not even be aware of until she is away from all of you for some time and you cease to walk on egg shells. It takes a toll and it takes time to move away from all the damage she created. Once you move away from her, and begin to take your life back and get some help, the pieces of your life will begin to fall into place. It is one helluva process. I've been there too, so my best advice to you is be i[B]ncredibly kind to yourself.[/B] You can't change her, but you can change your responses to her and you can stop enabling her and you can stay away from her. You can learn to detach and accept what you can't change. You can learn to live a fulfilling, peaceful, joyful life regardless of what your step daughter is doing or not doing. You've taken a big step by coming here and telling your story. We get it. Keep posting, it helps. I wish you peace and send you HUGS.......... [/QUOTE]
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