new here and need help and support

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by sefrlf, Mar 2, 2013.

  1. sefrlf

    sefrlf New Member

    My difficult child is 19 year old son. Has recently moved back home after living with my mother for a few months then his aunt for a gew months. He has had several kobs but they never last longer then 3 or 4 months.He has been home for a month now. Not looking for a job. I know he is smokey pot and fear worse. He wont admit it now but doesnt deny it either. His car is still in my name. He is still on our auto insurance.His cell is still on my plan. Yes I pay for that too.Plan to sit him down tomorrow and let him know he is on his own. The people he is hanging around are bad influence. I have two younger teenage children. My husband and I have been married for 21 years . Our difficult child is our biggest worry and we want to helo hom.Buy he appears to just want to be a looser. I worry so much about him. He is very smart but no social skills. Whats a reasonable time frame to give him to find job and be rrsponsible or move out?
  2. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the board. Sorry you are here, but glad you found us, everyone is so supportive. One thing you could try is require him to leave the house every day with a packed lunch and a bus card. He can go to the mall and fill out applications or he can go to the library and use their computer to apply for jobs. It kind of worked for my son.

    No social skills you say...has he been evaluated by a psychologist? Is he on the autistic spectrum? Does he have friends? Wonder if he is even able to hold down a job, or cannot because of the substance abuse, or a psychological problem, or combination of both?
  3. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Welcome sefrif :)

    If he is doing drugs in the home? Immediately. Otherwise, I have a full time with decent grades or work full time and pay rent. If neither.....then there is the door. Living at home over the age of 18 is a privilege, not their right. If I had a child I thought was doing drugs......and I discovered it was true? Ehh, they'd see the door. I'm not going to enable their poor choices.

    Only child I gave "notice" to was Nichole and I gave her 3 months. Plenty of time to find a full time job and a place to live. Hers was not due to lack of job/school/ was because she made an off handed remark she'd be just comfy living at home forever. Scared the daylights out of me. LOL We're close, but she needed to venture out on her own.

    Many kids, especially boys, at your son's age flounder unsure of what they want to do with their life, happy with the freedom adulthood gives them and scared of the responsibility. You should be encouraging behavior that fosters independence while trying hard not to enable behavior that doesn't.

    I'm going to guess he has no desire for college or a trade school? Have you tried sitting him down and asking what he'd like to do with his life, where he'd like to see himself in 10 yrs? If you can get him to talk, you might be able to help him come up with a plan to get to that point. You don't have to go to college to be successful. You just need some idea of where your interests are and what you might like to do.

    Glad you found us.

  4. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Has he always had no social skills? Any other problems? Does he have any diagnosis other than the drug use?

    Other parents here have walked your shoes, including having kids with dual diagnoses. They will have good advice. Having been here with them for a while now I suspect they'll warn you to separate yourself and him from the car. If he does something you're connected to that. Some stop providing cells, some give basic cells/prepaid that can be used in emergency. Those choices are so personal. If he has a mental health or developmental condition that is complicating this there are more issues to work through.

    So glad you found us. The parents on the SA forum are super supportive and full of experience (sadly). I hope you find them to be as comforting as I have found them to be.
  5. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome,
    I don't think anyone wants to be a loser. It does seem that way, though, when an able bodied young man exhibits no drive to be employed and combines that with pot and/or other substance use.
    Was there a "before" and "after" for your son? By that, I mean did he perform well socially and in school before you noticed pot use? Did he have good friends at an earlier age, before he started hanging around with the people he hangs around with currently? Was there a particular event that you can think of that precipitated this, or did was he challenged socially as far as you can remember?
    In any case, it is a privilege to live at home when you're 19. It is a privilege to be on parents' car insurance and phone plan. He will take as long as you give. Why did he recently live with his aunt and your mother?
  6. sefrlf

    sefrlf New Member

    He was diagnosed with ADHD in Kindergarten.Evaluated by psychologist at that time. His pediatrician gave him his.medications. At the age of 15 we moved to the country.. (no bus service, mall, or jobs in 40 mile radius). He begged us to let him stop his medications at that time because he said he was tired of feeling zoned out. His pediatrician agreed and it worked ok for awhile.He began to have violent outbursts..holes inhis walls hit his brother etc. He hasn't any of those since he turned 18. We made it clear to hom we would call the police. I hqve been begging him t go see someone and have even made the appointments but he refuses to go. I know there has to be some undiagnosed problems and thats why I think this is so difficult. I dont beleive he is doing drughs in the home or he would already be gone. When we talk to him today seeing a therapist and then a physician will be a requirement of staying here.
  7. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Good morning sefrif, welcome. I'm glad you found us, there is much comfort here. I think your situation is a fairly common one in our little corner of the world. Some kids have a real failure to launch at around the age your boy is. I think you have received good advice. Sometimes as parents we have to keep readjusting to our kids behaviors because they don't follow the usual trajectory, so it is just as much a learning experience for us at it is for them.

    My input would be exactly as you just stated, make an evaluation by a professional a requirement for living with you at this point. It seems that many people have more then one diagnosis following an ADHD diagnosis, there is a great likelihood that he needs some kind of help. His refusal to go is irrelevant now, these are your boundaries and rules because it is your home and your life, he is an adult and you hold all the power. You and you husband should sit down and figure out exactly what it is you want and what it is you don't want. Find an amount of time that feels right to you and make that the date he has to meet all your requirements.

    If he has no social skills, going out into the world would be scary and he might be acting out so he can avoid the inevitable. If it were me, I would be firm with my boundaries but remain compassionate about his real or perceived fears. I think a counselor or therapist would be able to help not only him, but you and your husband as well. So you can all come to terms with exactly what his mental and emotional limitations are and how you can help him and what you can expect from him without enabling him. Finding that line between helping and enabling is tricky and that's where a professional can help you.

    I believe boundaries set by you and your husband are the first step. Getting evaluated, going to family and individual therapy, setting a date for him to have a job, be in school or both, requiring him to make contributions around the house, to be a part of the family by being a contributing member, being respectful of you and your husband, all of the requirements that you feel are necessary for ANYONE to live in your household. I think having this conversation you are about to embark on is timely and will ultimately be good for him too, boundaries make everyone feel more safe. Asking him what he wants is important too, what future does he envision for himself? Talking about his fears and concerns, although would be great if he were willing to do that, is likely not going to happen, given his gender and his age, which is why I believe a therapist would really benefit him now. He's still young and if he gets evaluated AND he gets therapy, he will be able to start his adulthood on firm ground.

    I know this is tough on you and your husband, but you have good insight into the situation and you have the willingness to shift and adapt and be firm, so you are in good shape. I wish you good luck in your talk today, hopefully you will come to some agreements and be able to move on with a good plan. Keep posting, it's helpful. I'm glad you're here.
  8. tryagain

    tryagain Active Member

    Hey sefrif. I'm kind of new here too, and this place is a godsend- people who actually share some of the same problems you do, when you feel like you're the only person on the planet with this nightmare going on. I hope you have a good talk with him. My difficult child is the same age, 19, and like yours, had initial ADD diagnosis. It seems that a great many kids start out with that diagnosis initially, then other traits begin to present. Let us know how the talk goes and, as so many here have told me, "keep your boundaries"!
  9. gsingjane

    gsingjane New Member

    Hi and welcome Sefrif from a fellow newbie. You've gotten great information and advice from the other posters... I wanted to ask you something grounded in our experience too... is your difficult child a big video gamer? I know all teenage boys play games, but does he play what you'd consider an unduly long time, or have an unduly strong attachment?
  10. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hi, welcome to our corner of the planet.

    I do think you need to get him to agree to go to a mental health professional as part of the agreement of staying there. Also as someone very wise told me, get a contract signed by everyone as far as what the rules are upfront. Make plenty of copies because he will most likely tear a few up. This reminds me I need to do this with my 54 year old difficult child!

    If his issues are simply due to drug use then you have one problem but if there is something else going on you can make your decisions based on that. Now the drug use does have to be addressed no matter what. No drugs at all. Not in your house and not coming home wasted.