New here and so confused

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Brokendream, Feb 8, 2015.

  1. Brokendream

    Brokendream New Member

    Hi all,
    I honestly never thought that it would come to this but here I am. I sure could use some guidance and advice. I have two grown children. My son is 25, a college grad and currently in the Military. My daughter is 22, employed and the mother of a two year old. She lives with my ex husband. When she was 11, we were in a bad car accident in which she hit her head pretty bad and later on developed epilepsy. She is medicated for it now.

    After her baby was born in late 2012, I noticed a huge difference in her personality. She had always helped herself to money in my wallet, my clothes and even pawned some of my jewelry but I attributed that to the crowd she hung out with.

    In the past 18 months she borrowed alot of money from me with the understanding she would pay it back once a lawsuit settled. Her suit settled about ten months ago and she hasn't paid a dime but that's not the worst of it.

    About six months ago, I noticed money missing from my savings account. It turned out she had taken my debit card and began withdrawing cash from various atm machines. What was real odd about this is she has tens of thousands of dollars in her own accounts and was working two jobs at the time.

    In August, I noticed a brand new credit card of mine was over the limit. I hadn't done it so when I looked, I noticed thousands in new charges I did not make. I confronted my daughter because some were items that she had recently acquired. She at first denied it but when faced with proof of some items being hers, she admitted to those. I challenged the rest with the card company but am pretty sure those were hers as well.

    Three weeks later, another brand new card that I had hidden in my purse texted me that I was over the limit. I quickly logged on and found thousands of unauthorized charges again. When confronted, my daughter again denied she even knew I had this credit card. Once I mentioned some that were clearly delivered to her home, she admitted to those only and denied the rest. Essentially it was a replay of the first episode.

    She said she would pay for those items she admitted to when she paid me the rest of what she owed me. All told, about $15,000.

    A few days later, she claimed she deposited the $15K in my savings account for me. It never posted. She made all sorts of excuses that the bank must have lost it but refused to give me the deposit receipt so I could have the bank find the deposit. Eventually, this led to her calling the police on me when I went to her home to request the deposit receipt that she claimed was somewhere in her house. The police told me they didn't think she ever made a deposit and was lying and they also said she admitted to owing me at least $15K.

    For months now, she keeps saying she will go to the bank and get the money she owes me but never does. I have expressed that my bills are late and I'm paying interest on the purchases she agreed to pay for but still nothing.

    Everytime I push for repayment, she gets volatile and tells me she hates me and I will never see my grandchild again. Then a few days later she is fine but still won't repay what she has agreed to.

    Last week, she came here for a few days because she was fighting with her dad. We got along great and once again she promised to pay me. I had not left her alone in my home for six months but I did on the last day she was here. A few days after she moved back in with her dad, I received an email from a bank that I rarely use. It was telling me that I was overdrawn which made no sense as I don't use the account. I called and was told that I had written a check for cash. I hadn't. When told the check number, I had to go find the checkbook which was buried in a closed off room and discovered that one check had been torn from the back of the book. It was the same number as the check for cash.

    I was furious when they sent me a screen shot of the check and my signature was forged and my daughter's signature was on the back. This action overdrew an account and since she hasn't paid me, I am so broke it hurts.

    I immediately went to the bank and signed papers for forgery. I then went to the police and filed a report. Later my daughter called me all chipper and happy and I went off on her for stealing from me again. I told her that I had been to the police and she began to beg me not to have her arrested. She claimed I gave her this check which is ridiculous.

    I hung up on her and later signed my complaint. She was arrested later that night.

    Now, she is very angry at me. Of course I'll never see my grandchild according to her and I am never going to be part of her life because of "my" actions. She has flat out refused to pay me anything other than the amount of this forged check if I will drop the charges. I refused. I told her she needed to pay me everything or I was going to keep filing charges.

    I'm planning to file charges for the unauthorized credit card charges she never reimbursed me for and for the debit withdrawals. I'm furious but feeling conflicted. I'm stuck on why she would do this and be so hateful toward me when she has more than enough money to not need to steal and to repay what she already took.

    She also ran up my son's credit card while he was away at basic training. We both think it was her as the card was left with his dad whom my daughter lives with and the charge was for tickets to a local hockey team's game that my daughter has frequently bought tickets to in the past. What are the odds that some other credit card scammer would purchase tickets to a local hockey game????

    My confusion in all of this comes from this game she keeps playing about how she will pay me, then stalls and stalls and stalls. Last week after I had her arrested she told me to take her to court for the money she agreed to pay and to go ahead and keep filing charges against her as she would just get a good attorney and get off.

    I don't believe she has a drug problem and she does not have anything to indicate that she has been buying big ticket items. In fact, despite a good income and money in the bank, her car got repossessed last October because she hadn't made any payments in months.

    I'm not sure what is going on and I am heartbroken that she keeps doing this to me to the point that I am literally broke and can't pay my bills. Any insight or advice would be most appreciated.
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Oh, honey, I"m soooooooooooo sorry. We have another poster whose daughter swindled her. I hope she checks in.

    Your daughter is a thief. It hurts, I know, but it's true. She also may and probably does have some sort of personality disorder, such as antisocial personality disorder and, if so, she is a danger to you and everyone who trusts her. As hard as this is to hear, you MUST hear it because she could swindle you out of everything you have. She has no intention of ever paying you back and you did the right thing by putting her in jail so she can't do it to you or anyone else.

    At this point in time, you have to think about your safety. Change all of your bank accounts and credit cards and lock them in a fire safe. Don't let her inside of your house again. She is angry and that will come out in more stealing. There is a good chance that if she keeps up what she is doing, she'll be in prison and not even have custody of her baby. If babydaddy isn't present, you can try to get custody of your grandchild if you wish.

    Change the locks on your house and if she doesn't talk to you again, as much as it pains you and you will grieve, it is possibly if not probably for the best. She is abusing you in a very dangerous way at a very young age. She has mastered stealing to an art. If it is not due to a drug addiction, she is doing it simply because she wants to and she can. You have another child who is doing well. I'm glad. Focus on that child and the other good people in your life, and take good care of yoruself.

    I am going to post the traits to antisocial personality disorder, but be careful. Antisocials are very good at acting. They can seem good-hearted and kind. Their actual goal in life is to get as much as they can from people and doing as little as possible to get those things. But they know how to be charming so they can attract victims. Family is not exempt. Hugs and others will come along.

    http://psychcentral.com/disorders/antisocial-personality-disorder-symptoms/
     
  3. Brokendream

    Brokendream New Member

    Wow that antisocial description is so close to what we see with her.

    Baby daddy is in the picture but they are not a couple. What complicates things is that he is in law enforcement in the town in which I had her arrested. This is why she thinks she is invincible, she was picked up for a DUI and is dealing with that. He couldn't help her with that as it was in another county but she did ask him to intervene.

    She has a good job and makes good money. She lives at home with her dad and received a six figure settlement ten months ago. It's mindboggling to me that she keeps stealing when she has taken every dime I had. My son told me today that she took even more money from him recently and he had to change his bank account number. It's like the stealing is sport or something.

    Last week when I told her that I would lose my house because she refused to pay me her response was "let the bank foreclose and then move in with your boyfriend". It's absolutely crazy!!!
     
    Last edited: Feb 8, 2015
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Keep your distance. I know she's your daughter, but she can be dangerous to you. Let her hang out with Dad. She has no empathy at all.
    I am sorry this happened and that your daughter is like this.
    At least with babydaddy in the picture, you don't have to worry about the baby's well being. This policeman will get wise to her because she is going to use him too. Let what happens, happen. Just protect what you have left and yourself and tell your family to do the same.

    Hugs!
     
  5. HeadlightsMom

    HeadlightsMom Well-Known Member

    Brokendream -- Ouch! So, SO sorry to hear how this has all unfolded for you. Hard, hard stuff. A few thoughts....

    You did the right thing reporting it! It's not only the best thing to help you, but it's the best thing to help your daughter, too. Enabling doesn't help anyone. You did the right thing!

    Lockbox........metal lockbox with key. We got one when our son was 14 because of issues with money and medications. At first we thought it seemed like overkill. Over the years, we've grown to see the wisdom in it. It's needed. LOCKBOX.

    Lastly, welcome to this site and know that we are here with you in support. Our stories may vary a little........but not very much! You'll see that so many of us here have experienced so much of the same thing. In fact, sometimes it's mindboggling how similar many of our stories are. There is good support, wisdom, info-sharing and creative problem-solving to be found here. We find it together!

    Take care and our hearts are with you!
     
  6. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Hi Brokendream,
    I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. It is so heartbreaking when we can't trust our own children.
    My son has stolen from me numerous times and when he did I called to police. You did the right thing.
    I agree with the others that have posted, you need to protect yourself. Change your bank accounts and credit cards. If she has nosied around your home she may also have found your social security number. To be on the safe side I would put a credit freeze on the three credit reporting agencies that way if she tries to open a credit card under your name or get a loan under your name a credit freeze will stop this. Not only is she stealing from you but she could also steal your identity. You really need to set things in place to protect yourself.

    The quote button isn't working so I copied what you said here.
    A few days later, she claimed she deposited the $15K in my savings account for me. It never posted. She made all sorts of excuses that the bank must have lost it but refused to give me the deposit receipt so I could have the bank find the deposit. Eventually, this led to her calling the police on me when I went to her home to request the deposit receipt that she claimed was somewhere in her house. The police told me they didn't think she ever made a deposit and was lying and they also said she admitted to owing me at least $15K.
    I would try and get the police offers to sign some kind of document stating that she admitted to owing you the money. She really should be prosecuted for what she has done but proving it

    Under no circumstances would I allow her into your home. I would get a safety deposit box at the bank to keep your important papers and records in.

    I know she is your daughter and you love her but you have to protect yourself. I cannot stress that enough.

    ((HUGS)) to you...........
     
Loading...