New here and so glad I'm no longer alone..

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by round & round we go, Jun 30, 2011.

  1. round & round we go

    round & round we go New Member

    Lurking around for a couple of days, reading other post and I can so relate to many of them. Never posted on a message board or forum before so if I am messing up, please forgive me. My daughters behaviour problems did not just start suddenly, she has always been a ''hand full.'' She is currently at an evaluation center at juvenile justice for breaking her probation. This is her second trip to same place, last time she was there for 45 days. She is now on a list waiting for placement and has been told she will be sent to some camp for the summer. Once she is out, she will then be on probation again, which means more court ordered classes, probation officer meetings, community service etc etc. It truely never ends and that is why is picked the name round & round we go. It seems to be an endless cycle yet it is coming to an end, well at least the juvenile part is. She will be seventeen when she is released and her next go round will be the big girls jail. Broke her probation this time by getting kicked out of an alternative school which she had gotten sent to for assaulting another student. Before the probation officer could get the courts to order probation revoked, my dear little girl stole my debit card and used it to withdrawal the majority of my social security check from my account. She has in the past done some pretty low things but never ever did I think that she would steal from me. I actually caught her with my card in her pocket leaving to go stay with a friend....when I confronted her she threw the card at me and ran out the door....long story short she did not come back home so I reported her as a runaway and the fact she had stolen the money. The police here do not search for runaways so I once again had to do the detective work and track her down, call the police dispatch and tell them where she was, eight days later. That was three weeks ago. Am I upset that she is locked up....yes & no, yes because she didn't learn her lesson the last time in lock up. No, because when she is locked up, I know where she is, who she's around and that she is safe and off the streets. Not sure I am gonna let her come back or not.....How many times do you go through all this again and again???

    7 runaway charges
    2nd time on probation
    court odered to attend school
    2nd time assigned to alternative school
    past drug abuse (pee pee clean now)
    cutter (slashed her arm over 80 times)
    self tattoo's by scaring skin
    failed 2 preventive programs for teens
    been held for evaluations after suicide treats
    sexually active
    low self esteem
    been in mental health counceling since middle school
    abusive towards me in the past
    I could go on and on but so worn down. I told her the first time she was in lock up that if she were to ever return there, I would not come visit her and I have stuck to my word. It's hard but it's almost three hours there and I have problems driving long distance with my disablity. Plus the fact the money she stole was being saved to fix my old car......Talked to the mental health people she has been seeing for so long and even they told me...get her out of your've done all you can do. Wow.
    Opps sorry so long. Nice to rant and no ones gonna judge.....
  2. lovelyboy

    lovelyboy Member

    Welcome...this must be so sad for you to go through all of this? We have so many dreams for our kids and to see this just dissolving, can be so sad an frustrating!
    Huggs for you.
  3. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member


    So glad you found this place of support. I've always said the greatest thing, for me, finding this site was knowing I was not alone.

    You absolutely did the right thing with your daughter. We definitely understand the "good and bad" of each difficult child situation. Doing what is right for them (and us) can be very difficult.

  4. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    Welcome!! Um, are you sure you don't have my daughter?? Only mine is still on the lam and they tell me that when her name is run, it is run as an adult so her warrant won't show up since the warrant is on a juvenile offsense. Nice, huh?
  5. round & round we go

    round & round we go New Member

    Not sure how it works where you are but in South Carolina, I always have to report her as missing/runaway to get her info put on a national database so that no matter where she is picked up, it will show up that she is ''wanted''. Our local police do not actively search for runaways but it they 'happen' to catch her doing something wrong they pick her up. I usually have to do all the detective work and track her down then call them to come pick her up.....Try plastering missing/wanted posters of her all over town like I did once and the person she was staying with dropped her off in front of her sisters house real fast after seeing one of the posters. She did not find it very amusing that half of the kids at school had a copy of that poster.....
  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Welcome. You have found the right place. Many others here have been there done that and know how hard it is. What have the mental health people diagnosis'd her with? Does she need psychiatric medications, or don't those work with her or does she not have any need for them.

    The things like cutting and scarification (making scars in patterns to create tattoo type things) can be a sign of past abuse. Cutting is a way many people deal with pain - and I HATE how mental health people treat it. Here it is no big deal to many of them. Well it sure is to us - and it took my mother agreeing to stop and stay stopped if my son would to get him to stop. He stopped because he didn't watn her to be in pain. She is the ONLY person who that owuld have worked with, so I am glad she did it. Heck, her cutting was traumatic for teh entire family too.

    I don't think having her come home is good for you. At some point you DO have to put yoruself first. It sounds like you have done an awful lot and nothing has really helped. So letting her go to live where the system sends her may be a good thing for both of you. It will mean she has to face the world and real-world consequences for her actions. I hope you press charges for the theft of your money because until/unless that happens she is not going to figure out she has to stop or spend time in prison. For some of our kids that is the ONLY way they will even begin to be law abiding. I have a brother that constantly skirts the law. I know of at least 3 times he has used white-out and a xerox machine to make his own insurance verification to get out of tickets and jail time for driving with-o insurance. I stopped allowing him to drive my kids anywhere years ago. My mother started just paying his insurance for him because I made a big deal out of calling his insurance co to see if he was paid up before I let him drive my car. I was told that I needed to "trust" him - advice I ignored.

    Jail isn't fun, but some of our kids do pretty well there. They seem to thrive on the structure and limitations, where out in the world they ahve too many temptations and cannot/willnot stay out of trouble.

    No one here will judge you or say you are a bad person for not wanting her to return to your home. Stealing from you, esp in that amount, needs to have the consequence of not living with you again. If you get between her and what she wants you might get hurt. One member was on a very limited income and her son literally stole her last dollars by cutting the pockets of her pants - while she slept in them. This could be you. Esp if she is wanting drug money. A clean test doesn't mean she won't relapse and in my opinion with your health that is a LOT to risk.

    Your health will get a lot better with-o the stress of living with her. I think not visiting her is just fine. She knew before this return to jail that youw ouldn't visit and following through by not visiting her will tell her you mean what you say. I am sorry you have to do that, but it was her choice not yours.

    (((((hugs)))))) None of this is easy, is it?
  7. sickandtired1

    sickandtired1 Doing the right thing

    I can say that using this forum has been a godsend for me. It helps to talk to and read about other families with similar situations. Your daughter has some similar issues as my 24 yo son. Unfortunately, he is currently in jail for a felony charge. He will most likely serve 5-10 years. Had I known about this forum years ago and listened to our therapists better, maybe I (we) would have been tougher and tried not to solve his problems. Maybe we should have not allowed him to live in our house after getting repeatly arrested, DUIs, drug issues, stealing money etc. I do believe if we had been somewhat tougher maybe we wouldn't have the situation we have now....then again.....maybe there is NOTHING we could have done to prevent this. I guess we really will never know the answers to all our problems, but we just have to try and do the best we can and not feel guilty.
  8. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    welcome round and round....I dont think you live very far from me. I live in Lumberton NC but I lived in Myrtle beach for a long time. In fact, my two youngest boys were born there.

    Your daughter sounds a whole lot like my youngest son. He has a past much like your daughter. He also stole money from me. When I got my disability back pay he stole checks and forged them to the tune of $1500. I pressed charges on him. It was my last straw.

    Actually that was a turning point in his life and he has grown up some since then. At some point you just have to say enough is enough.
  9. round & round we go

    round & round we go New Member

    Yea I'm not far from you. Hate living at the beach but been here so long now think I'm stuck here. I took my back pay from disability and bought a little house, mainly to get my daughter out of the apartment complex we were living in....thought a change in enviroment would help her but turns out it wasn't the place we were at,,,,it was her. The same night I reported her as a runaway/missing, I also told the officer about her taking the money....not sure if charges are pending on her for that or not...been so tied up with all these court,probation officer meetings I haven't really checked.
  10. round & round we go

    round & round we go New Member

    At one time the head mental health doctor had her on concerta for adhd but after 3-4 months he said to stop as they were not doing anything and he really wasn't sure she needed them. Takes like four months to get in to see this doctor because he is the only one who treats under 18 and I was never really impressed with him. I have explained over and over to all her counselors that she will lie and manipulate them to get what she wants. She is actually very good at telling lies and I honestly sometimes think she believes them herself.
    Did accept a phone call from her last night and she told me what treatment place they were gonna send her to. I looked it up and it way across the other side of the state so there will be no visiting there either. She said they have finished her mental/health evaluations and she had been cleared to be can they evaluate her when she has only been there three weeks and have no idea how she acts at home or school and did not contact me for any information regarding that.......She can be the most well behaved, polite child when she wants to control the situation and I am quite sure she put on a good show for them. Like I said....round n round we go.
  11. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Im so sorry. I do understand. She is still quite young and like they say, their frontal lobes dont finish cooking until they are 24 or 25. Mine will be 25 in July and he really is much better than he was when he stole my money at 20 and oh so much better than he was at 17. I wouldnt go through his teen years again for a million bucks.