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<blockquote data-quote="katya02" data-source="post: 394158" data-attributes="member: 2884"><p>Hi and welcome, and glad you found us, although sorry you had to. You have your hands full, and probably several aspects of the situation would be addressed by a family</p><p>counselor or family agency. The first one, though, is your safety and your difficult child's safety. I understand the very-small-town police issue, although yours sounds extremely bad by</p><p>any measure. I'm wondering if there are state troopers anywhere near your town. We have a very small town municipal force but also State Police, and if you have any access</p><p>to them, they tend to be higher on the police ladder than municipals. They may not be warm and fuzzy but around here they're all business, no funny stuff. The situation with</p><p>your 'youth officer' sounds egregiously bad - bad enough to consider looking into charges against him, which might have to be brought by a higher level of police ... ? I agree with</p><p>the suggestion of, at the least, having an independent witness present if/when you have to call police. Maybe two or three, if possible! </p><p></p><p>You need to be safe from physical violence in your home. Beyond suggesting state police I don't know where else to go with that, but if all else failed, would you consider moving? </p><p>Sometimes, in a very small town, removing a young kid from bad influences can give you a little control over the situation. It doesn't solve it - difficult children will find other difficult children wherever</p><p>they go - but it puts him off balance temporarily and in a new place, chosen for its good law enforcement AND social services, maybe you could get some needed assistance lined</p><p>up. I know it's probably not possible with the economy and job market - it's a long shot - but I would consider it if the circumstances made it possible.</p><p></p><p>In the meantime, I agree with video, with two-way deadbolts and window locks, with confiscation of everything - everything - he has when he becomes abusive. You only have to provide</p><p>him with basic shelter, food, and a minimum of clothing (appropriate for weather, of course). You don't owe him computers, music, internet, cell phones, transport for entertainment, etc.</p><p>At times with our difficult child, who was very violent and out of control for a long time, he had a mattress, sheet and blanket and pillow, a lightbulb screwed into the ceiling, and basic clothes. </p><p>That's it. We removed his door because he would try to break it (or would break it). We removed his light fixture because he broke it. Etc. Etc. Eventually he figured it wasn't fun living like</p><p>that and settled. Things weren't perfect, but certain behaviors were controlled. When they surfaced again he lost everything again, until he knew we weren't just talking. Talking doesn't </p><p>work well with angry teens. I know your difficult child has suffered abuse and does need therapy, which I highly recommend, but that's not what I mean. When he crosses the line, he knows it. He</p><p>expects you to talk at him and he plans not to listen. You can say something, once - but you need to act, i.e. to put consequences in place immediately, without long discussion. Just do it.</p><p>You can give a two-sentence explanation: When you do X, you will lose Y. I will decide when you will get Y back, based on your behavior. Then disengage. Expect resistance, rage, etc. </p><p>You have to be rested and ready for something like this, and if you have a friend to support you (not be directly involved), it can help. It also helps to work with a family therapist to make</p><p>rules and consequences and enact them, and then review with the therapist. If there's any chance of that, I would get that going first. If your difficult child won't go, go by yourself. A good therapist</p><p>is extremely helpful.</p><p></p><p>Others will have excellent suggestions; just remember that you deserve to be safe, and your difficult child needs to learn that antisocial actions have severe consequences, before he ends up in jail or</p><p>worse. You're in a really tough situation; I feel for you. I hope you can figure out some way to reach better law enforcement, and a way to contact a family therapist. Take care.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="katya02, post: 394158, member: 2884"] Hi and welcome, and glad you found us, although sorry you had to. You have your hands full, and probably several aspects of the situation would be addressed by a family counselor or family agency. The first one, though, is your safety and your difficult child's safety. I understand the very-small-town police issue, although yours sounds extremely bad by any measure. I'm wondering if there are state troopers anywhere near your town. We have a very small town municipal force but also State Police, and if you have any access to them, they tend to be higher on the police ladder than municipals. They may not be warm and fuzzy but around here they're all business, no funny stuff. The situation with your 'youth officer' sounds egregiously bad - bad enough to consider looking into charges against him, which might have to be brought by a higher level of police ... ? I agree with the suggestion of, at the least, having an independent witness present if/when you have to call police. Maybe two or three, if possible! You need to be safe from physical violence in your home. Beyond suggesting state police I don't know where else to go with that, but if all else failed, would you consider moving? Sometimes, in a very small town, removing a young kid from bad influences can give you a little control over the situation. It doesn't solve it - difficult children will find other difficult children wherever they go - but it puts him off balance temporarily and in a new place, chosen for its good law enforcement AND social services, maybe you could get some needed assistance lined up. I know it's probably not possible with the economy and job market - it's a long shot - but I would consider it if the circumstances made it possible. In the meantime, I agree with video, with two-way deadbolts and window locks, with confiscation of everything - everything - he has when he becomes abusive. You only have to provide him with basic shelter, food, and a minimum of clothing (appropriate for weather, of course). You don't owe him computers, music, internet, cell phones, transport for entertainment, etc. At times with our difficult child, who was very violent and out of control for a long time, he had a mattress, sheet and blanket and pillow, a lightbulb screwed into the ceiling, and basic clothes. That's it. We removed his door because he would try to break it (or would break it). We removed his light fixture because he broke it. Etc. Etc. Eventually he figured it wasn't fun living like that and settled. Things weren't perfect, but certain behaviors were controlled. When they surfaced again he lost everything again, until he knew we weren't just talking. Talking doesn't work well with angry teens. I know your difficult child has suffered abuse and does need therapy, which I highly recommend, but that's not what I mean. When he crosses the line, he knows it. He expects you to talk at him and he plans not to listen. You can say something, once - but you need to act, i.e. to put consequences in place immediately, without long discussion. Just do it. You can give a two-sentence explanation: When you do X, you will lose Y. I will decide when you will get Y back, based on your behavior. Then disengage. Expect resistance, rage, etc. You have to be rested and ready for something like this, and if you have a friend to support you (not be directly involved), it can help. It also helps to work with a family therapist to make rules and consequences and enact them, and then review with the therapist. If there's any chance of that, I would get that going first. If your difficult child won't go, go by yourself. A good therapist is extremely helpful. Others will have excellent suggestions; just remember that you deserve to be safe, and your difficult child needs to learn that antisocial actions have severe consequences, before he ends up in jail or worse. You're in a really tough situation; I feel for you. I hope you can figure out some way to reach better law enforcement, and a way to contact a family therapist. Take care. [/QUOTE]
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