Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
New Here, at wits end, please help!
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="keista" data-source="post: 460769" data-attributes="member: 11965"><p>Welcome to the board!</p><p></p><p>Generally, I have many questions I ask newcomers, but you pretty much have your issues identified already, but I don't think you realize it.</p><p></p><p>First you described your children, then you described yourself and your father. in my opinion you are raising "mini-me"s You have been cloned, and your kids seem to have the same personality traits that both you and your father have.</p><p></p><p> </p><p>Generally, this is a good plan of attack for raising kids. <strong>Don't back down</strong>. How successful are you currently with this tactic? How successful was your mom with this tactic? Of course, you are now a productive, responsible adult, but when she stood her ground with you did it get you to do what you were supposed to? Did it result in a peaceful cooperative home? You had answered that already, so I know the answers. </p><p></p><p>And your big epiphany:</p><p> THAT in a nutshell is your problem. NO ONE wants to compromise. So, what to do about it? How to bring about peace in the home?</p><p></p><p>I'm about to tell you to do stuff, knowing full well, you may refuse simply because you are being "told" what to do. So, as much as I hate to break it to you, if you want your kids to change, YOU have to change.</p><p> Really? I mean, why were you arguing with her? You explained, she did not believe. Why was it so important for you to have this 3 y/o believe something she couldn't fully understand? What were you going to accomplish by continuing such an argument? You're right, she's wrong. Mom ALWAYS has to be right (this is your own admission) I'm sure this was just one of many similar incidents.</p><p></p><p> Hmmmmmmmmm This could be why a Montessori school is so succesfull with them. Montessori, gives them choices, gives them the opportunity to figure out for themselves the appropriate answers. That's not the case at home. It's mom's way or no way. For 'regular' kids this may work, but you aren't raising regular kids. You're raising carbon copies of yourself - kids who HATE being TOLD what to do, what to think, what to believe. </p><p></p><p> Simple answer. It's not what YOU want, it's what's necessary. Ppl don't leave the house until they are fully dressed. They won't get shoes on, they don't go. Won't brush hair, can't go out. Don't strap into the car seat, car does not move. These are simple issues with natural consequences, but just by sheer programming, your kids are trying to find ways to PROVE <strong>MOM</strong> WRONG. </p><p></p><p>If you're still reading my response, you might think I'm being judgmental. Far from it. I am/was pretty much the same way. Even before I had kids, my motto was "I'm always right! On the rare occasion that I am wrong, i admit I'm wrong, which, by default, MAKES me right!" I'd argue with ppl just to prove them wrong or myself right. Unfortunately this did not get me very far in life.</p><p></p><p>I used to allow my kids to engage me in never ending arguments. Then one day I realized that I did NOT have to teach them EVERYTHING right NOW. Now, if they question me about something, I carefully consider what the ultimate goal is. If it's sheer knowledge, then I give them the information I know, and if they don't believe me, they can research it on the internet. If it's not <em>that </em>important to them, they'll drop it, but if they think I'm wrong, they will research a topic until they either believe what I'm telling them, or they find one teeny weeny little fact that I got wrong. They LOVE it when I'm proven "wrong" I give them their win (power) and eat a sufficient amount of crow. And what I just taught them were research skills, information about whatever the topic was, and learning to pick your battles. When it comes to basics - brushing hair, teeth, putting on shoes - the natural consequences come into play, and ultimately it's my job to make sure they grow up safe, and become responsible adults who understand the social implications of BASIC proper grooming. So, they want to wear their Halloween costume while shopping in June - whatever. They may start the latest fashion trend. Who knows?</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="keista, post: 460769, member: 11965"] Welcome to the board! Generally, I have many questions I ask newcomers, but you pretty much have your issues identified already, but I don't think you realize it. First you described your children, then you described yourself and your father. in my opinion you are raising "mini-me"s You have been cloned, and your kids seem to have the same personality traits that both you and your father have. Generally, this is a good plan of attack for raising kids. [B]Don't back down[/B]. How successful are you currently with this tactic? How successful was your mom with this tactic? Of course, you are now a productive, responsible adult, but when she stood her ground with you did it get you to do what you were supposed to? Did it result in a peaceful cooperative home? You had answered that already, so I know the answers. And your big epiphany: THAT in a nutshell is your problem. NO ONE wants to compromise. So, what to do about it? How to bring about peace in the home? I'm about to tell you to do stuff, knowing full well, you may refuse simply because you are being "told" what to do. So, as much as I hate to break it to you, if you want your kids to change, YOU have to change. Really? I mean, why were you arguing with her? You explained, she did not believe. Why was it so important for you to have this 3 y/o believe something she couldn't fully understand? What were you going to accomplish by continuing such an argument? You're right, she's wrong. Mom ALWAYS has to be right (this is your own admission) I'm sure this was just one of many similar incidents. Hmmmmmmmmm This could be why a Montessori school is so succesfull with them. Montessori, gives them choices, gives them the opportunity to figure out for themselves the appropriate answers. That's not the case at home. It's mom's way or no way. For 'regular' kids this may work, but you aren't raising regular kids. You're raising carbon copies of yourself - kids who HATE being TOLD what to do, what to think, what to believe. Simple answer. It's not what YOU want, it's what's necessary. Ppl don't leave the house until they are fully dressed. They won't get shoes on, they don't go. Won't brush hair, can't go out. Don't strap into the car seat, car does not move. These are simple issues with natural consequences, but just by sheer programming, your kids are trying to find ways to PROVE [B]MOM[/B] WRONG. If you're still reading my response, you might think I'm being judgmental. Far from it. I am/was pretty much the same way. Even before I had kids, my motto was "I'm always right! On the rare occasion that I am wrong, i admit I'm wrong, which, by default, MAKES me right!" I'd argue with ppl just to prove them wrong or myself right. Unfortunately this did not get me very far in life. I used to allow my kids to engage me in never ending arguments. Then one day I realized that I did NOT have to teach them EVERYTHING right NOW. Now, if they question me about something, I carefully consider what the ultimate goal is. If it's sheer knowledge, then I give them the information I know, and if they don't believe me, they can research it on the internet. If it's not [I]that [/I]important to them, they'll drop it, but if they think I'm wrong, they will research a topic until they either believe what I'm telling them, or they find one teeny weeny little fact that I got wrong. They LOVE it when I'm proven "wrong" I give them their win (power) and eat a sufficient amount of crow. And what I just taught them were research skills, information about whatever the topic was, and learning to pick your battles. When it comes to basics - brushing hair, teeth, putting on shoes - the natural consequences come into play, and ultimately it's my job to make sure they grow up safe, and become responsible adults who understand the social implications of BASIC proper grooming. So, they want to wear their Halloween costume while shopping in June - whatever. They may start the latest fashion trend. Who knows? [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
New Here, at wits end, please help!
Top