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New Here, at wits end, please help!
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<blockquote data-quote="chrisb" data-source="post: 460774" data-attributes="member: 12811"><p>Thanks, this is helpful.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes, I get this. I don't want you to think though that the only tactic I've ever tried is my way or the highway. I'm not sure I understand what the alternative is. It's not like this is the only thing I've ever done. I've tried just ignoring the hitting for example. Sometimes we tell them to hit us again, which just makes them madder. I've ignored their fighting and tried to let them figure it out on their own. I've tried some gentle parenting techniques. Maybe I haven't tried them effectively enough, I don't know.</p><p></p><p></p><p>I can somewhat agree, but with a caveat. I have already compromised. The things we are fighting about in general are worn down to a few core issues I am unwilling to let go. Like: We do not hit. The couple of things like hair brushing and things that are necessary. I rarely try to force anything further on them. I never tell them how to dress for example, except an occasional plea to bring a jacket or something, which I generally let them do what they want. I am all for them learning their own consequences, but there are things that I can't do that on and that's where we fight.</p><p></p><p></p><p>I understand this. I'm not sure how to change and of course it isn't easy.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Well at the time I was pretty flabergasted that she wouldn't believe me when I pointed to the item and told her what it was. We have of course since learned that they won't believe us. We have had many fights like over 8 years sure, but we don't fight about everything. I have given up trying to teach them anything. It's just that every so often I forget that they won't believe anything I say and try to tell them something. I'm not exaggerating when I say they believe nothing. Nothing. It's extremely depressing for me to deal with regularly. So yeah, sometimes I do push back and say 'why can't you believe anything I say?'</p><p></p><p>I didn't say I always have to be right. What I meant was that when I commit to something, like 'we don't hit, you will go to your room'. They WILL go to their room. That's the point that I'm uncompromising on. I meant that when it becomes a battle of wills for them to do something they are supposed to do, etc I can push them back as hard as they push. I don't do this on other arguments, I've often ended arguments by basically saying 'whatever, believe what you want'.</p><p></p><p></p><p>It is, it is exactly why we chose it. The method of teaching isn't a lecture method, its a learn for yourself method. They have to see for themselves, figure it out for themselves.</p><p></p><p></p><p>I think the real problem is the natural consequences to these actions all fall on me. For example, brushing hair. She could go weeks and not care if her hair is brushed. *I* care about whether people think I am taking care of my child. The natural consequences - her going so long that her classmates start teasing her - isn't acceptable to me. One of their chores, as recommended by their school, is to pack their lunch. But I can't let them go to school without a lunch, as much as I'd love to. They have also proven to have a very high tolerance for consquences.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I want feedback. I just don't know how to implement it. As I said above, I think I must have sounded more totalitarian than I am. I don't push much on them, just the basics, but we fight about those so often I'm losing my mind. I can try to keep in mind to let go of those times when they are arguing basic facts with me, but I don't often try to teach them anything already.</p><p></p><p>It's just so tiring, day in and day out to be pushed to the brink.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="chrisb, post: 460774, member: 12811"] Thanks, this is helpful. Yes, I get this. I don't want you to think though that the only tactic I've ever tried is my way or the highway. I'm not sure I understand what the alternative is. It's not like this is the only thing I've ever done. I've tried just ignoring the hitting for example. Sometimes we tell them to hit us again, which just makes them madder. I've ignored their fighting and tried to let them figure it out on their own. I've tried some gentle parenting techniques. Maybe I haven't tried them effectively enough, I don't know. I can somewhat agree, but with a caveat. I have already compromised. The things we are fighting about in general are worn down to a few core issues I am unwilling to let go. Like: We do not hit. The couple of things like hair brushing and things that are necessary. I rarely try to force anything further on them. I never tell them how to dress for example, except an occasional plea to bring a jacket or something, which I generally let them do what they want. I am all for them learning their own consequences, but there are things that I can't do that on and that's where we fight. I understand this. I'm not sure how to change and of course it isn't easy. Well at the time I was pretty flabergasted that she wouldn't believe me when I pointed to the item and told her what it was. We have of course since learned that they won't believe us. We have had many fights like over 8 years sure, but we don't fight about everything. I have given up trying to teach them anything. It's just that every so often I forget that they won't believe anything I say and try to tell them something. I'm not exaggerating when I say they believe nothing. Nothing. It's extremely depressing for me to deal with regularly. So yeah, sometimes I do push back and say 'why can't you believe anything I say?' I didn't say I always have to be right. What I meant was that when I commit to something, like 'we don't hit, you will go to your room'. They WILL go to their room. That's the point that I'm uncompromising on. I meant that when it becomes a battle of wills for them to do something they are supposed to do, etc I can push them back as hard as they push. I don't do this on other arguments, I've often ended arguments by basically saying 'whatever, believe what you want'. It is, it is exactly why we chose it. The method of teaching isn't a lecture method, its a learn for yourself method. They have to see for themselves, figure it out for themselves. I think the real problem is the natural consequences to these actions all fall on me. For example, brushing hair. She could go weeks and not care if her hair is brushed. *I* care about whether people think I am taking care of my child. The natural consequences - her going so long that her classmates start teasing her - isn't acceptable to me. One of their chores, as recommended by their school, is to pack their lunch. But I can't let them go to school without a lunch, as much as I'd love to. They have also proven to have a very high tolerance for consquences. I want feedback. I just don't know how to implement it. As I said above, I think I must have sounded more totalitarian than I am. I don't push much on them, just the basics, but we fight about those so often I'm losing my mind. I can try to keep in mind to let go of those times when they are arguing basic facts with me, but I don't often try to teach them anything already. It's just so tiring, day in and day out to be pushed to the brink. [/QUOTE]
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