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New Here, at wits end, please help!
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<blockquote data-quote="chrisb" data-source="post: 460833" data-attributes="member: 12811"><p>Depression I had as a teenager and in college, wasn't diagnosed until the end of college, ADD I was diagnosed in college, later told that it was really just the depression and even later redxed. I don't think I had them earlier than that, but I have a terrible long term memory. My dad and brother have been diagnosed with ADD, bro was on ritalin all through hs. I can't even begin to start on the things wrong with my father, that's a whole 'nother forum altogether. When you talk about someone who can't be wrong - he is it. I've never once seen him admit fault, he will go to his grave attacking you for even suggesting it.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>This sounds exactly like my kids.</p><p></p><p>I understand. We already do this. We give them as much choice as they can possibly have. I've taken classes on redirecting cihldren's behavior. I've studied non-violent communication. I've read books on the subject (though granted a while ago, I need to refresh). The problems arise when things just have to be done. I'm not saying we don't get compliance. She brushes her hair daily, she has the choice to do it at home or in the car, if it isn't done by the time we get to school she has the choice to do it right then or I will do it (something she hates). The problem is my life is miserable because going through getting her to do it means I get yelled at ("*I* KNOW!!!" "LEAVE ME ALONE!!"- while she makes an angry face) or hits me, etc. I get the look of death on a regular basis. And usually after a while the battle for that one thing dies down. Hairbrushing is actually not a big problem right now, she generally brushes it on her own. She asked me to braid it today. The problem is there is always another problem. The problem is I'm worn out, I'm touchy because I can't take being treated like this all the time.</p><p></p><p>the written list may work well for that becuase they do best if they do things on their own without being asked. The problem is they don't do it consistently. One day I get up and they are already dressed, lunches packed ready to go. The next day they will have done nothing and take forever and fight me on everything and I might be hounding them until we are out the door late.</p><p></p><p>Actually for some reason they seem to work so that only one child is defiant at a time. Usually if my son is being defiant my daughter is behaving well or visa versa. In some ways thats good, I don't often have to deal with both of them at the same time, but in other ways its bad, it means we rarely have nice peaceful days with no one in a power struggle.</p><p></p><p>Edited to add - I think this also causes problems because the good one often ends up punished too. If the consequence is that we don't get to go to Grammy's tonight (something that happened yesterday because my daughter was acting so horribly) my poor son was punished too even though he was behaving. It doesn't help to reinforce the good behavior if he gets punished anyway. <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite3" alt=":(" title="Frown :(" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":(" /></p><p></p><p>For hitting, the punishment is usually 5 minutes in your room, because what they really need is a chance to get away from whatever is upsetting them and calm down. Of course telling them this often results in more hitting, more misbehavior until the punishment goes up significantly. The punishment is consistent at home. When we are out I don't have a good solution. Time-out does not work for them in a public setting, because similar to at home they will resist bodily and at at the top of their lungs, which I just cannot deal with in public.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="chrisb, post: 460833, member: 12811"] Depression I had as a teenager and in college, wasn't diagnosed until the end of college, ADD I was diagnosed in college, later told that it was really just the depression and even later redxed. I don't think I had them earlier than that, but I have a terrible long term memory. My dad and brother have been diagnosed with ADD, bro was on ritalin all through hs. I can't even begin to start on the things wrong with my father, that's a whole 'nother forum altogether. When you talk about someone who can't be wrong - he is it. I've never once seen him admit fault, he will go to his grave attacking you for even suggesting it. This sounds exactly like my kids. I understand. We already do this. We give them as much choice as they can possibly have. I've taken classes on redirecting cihldren's behavior. I've studied non-violent communication. I've read books on the subject (though granted a while ago, I need to refresh). The problems arise when things just have to be done. I'm not saying we don't get compliance. She brushes her hair daily, she has the choice to do it at home or in the car, if it isn't done by the time we get to school she has the choice to do it right then or I will do it (something she hates). The problem is my life is miserable because going through getting her to do it means I get yelled at ("*I* KNOW!!!" "LEAVE ME ALONE!!"- while she makes an angry face) or hits me, etc. I get the look of death on a regular basis. And usually after a while the battle for that one thing dies down. Hairbrushing is actually not a big problem right now, she generally brushes it on her own. She asked me to braid it today. The problem is there is always another problem. The problem is I'm worn out, I'm touchy because I can't take being treated like this all the time. the written list may work well for that becuase they do best if they do things on their own without being asked. The problem is they don't do it consistently. One day I get up and they are already dressed, lunches packed ready to go. The next day they will have done nothing and take forever and fight me on everything and I might be hounding them until we are out the door late. Actually for some reason they seem to work so that only one child is defiant at a time. Usually if my son is being defiant my daughter is behaving well or visa versa. In some ways thats good, I don't often have to deal with both of them at the same time, but in other ways its bad, it means we rarely have nice peaceful days with no one in a power struggle. Edited to add - I think this also causes problems because the good one often ends up punished too. If the consequence is that we don't get to go to Grammy's tonight (something that happened yesterday because my daughter was acting so horribly) my poor son was punished too even though he was behaving. It doesn't help to reinforce the good behavior if he gets punished anyway. :( For hitting, the punishment is usually 5 minutes in your room, because what they really need is a chance to get away from whatever is upsetting them and calm down. Of course telling them this often results in more hitting, more misbehavior until the punishment goes up significantly. The punishment is consistent at home. When we are out I don't have a good solution. Time-out does not work for them in a public setting, because similar to at home they will resist bodily and at at the top of their lungs, which I just cannot deal with in public. [/QUOTE]
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