New here but need help with

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by frustrationrules, Jan 8, 2009.

  1. frustrationrules

    frustrationrules New Member frustration and inability to calm down enough to implement some of the things suggested here and in the books (I've read them all). My 5 year old son was born "hyper" and into everything...the babyproofing we did for our older 2 children was not enough for him. When he was 2 or 3 we began to notice his opposition to everything we wanted him to do. This continued into preschool and he is now in Kindergarten with the same, but more intense, opposition and defiance. Luckily it mainly happens at home, but I have had to pick him up at school this year because he refused to comply with a request to clean up his own mess in the lunchroom. He shuts down and won't look at adults, or says no and won't look at them. At home he shrieks and won't comply. He won't get ready in the morning and our other 2 kids are late sometimes because of it.
    He requires very little sleep, although sometimes he is way more crabby than usual because he got up at 5 am after going to sleep at 10 pm, but he sure won't nap.
    He was evaluated as possibly ODD a year ago, and we have been seeing a psychotherapist for the last couple months, but she has only been able to focus on getting him to be potty trained again. Since he started Kindergarten, he has been pooping regularly in his pants and refusing to use the toilet, saying he does not have to go although we can smell it! He never really did get potty trained when he was 2/3 like we thought he did, he just keeps having accidents because he is too busy to go. I am buying new underwear every other week because we have to throw it away.
    The worst is that he is so demanding that my other 2 children get no time/attention because we are always responding to the needy one. I am so frustrated that working on a plan with a kid who is not motivated by ANYTHING (sticker charts, prizes, special trips, etc.) feels nearly impossible. Everyone in our house is suffering from my frustration and anger. Quite frankly I feel like they never leave me alone, especially the 5 year old who needs constant attention and supervision. The other 2 are older and really good about taking care of themselves, but how do I calm down enough to take the time to TRY to get the little one to respond normally to requests? I have physically carried him into the car in the morning to get everyone to school in time, I carry him to his room at night (with frustration, I might add) for bedtime, and none of this is good for him or me.
    I'm sorry, I see others on this site with way more on their plates, but I think you all must have been born with more patience than I. How do you devote MORE time to someone who is already demanding nearly all your free time? And I know life is not fair, but how can I make it feel more fair for my other 2? Thanks for listening.
  2. SRL

    SRL Active Member

    Hi, and welcome to our forum. I hope we can help you, but first have a few questions:

    1) Beyond the psychotherapist that he is seeing now, what kinds of specialists have evaluated him?
    2) Outside of the defiance, is there anything else unusual in his developmental history: speech delays or advanced speech, hypersensitive to sensory input such as noise/light/textures, unusual interests for his age, etc.
    3) What's the mental health history of the family like?

    Sometimes potty training problems can be the result of sensory issues. Here's an article so you can see if anything rings a bell here:

    You might look into a natural product called Melatonin to help with falling asleep. Many parents here have had good results with it, with no side effects.

    How old are your older kids?
  3. 30 and searching

    30 and searching New Member

    I also would like to say Hi and welcome. I am dealing with- some of these same issues with- our 3- year old, (turns 4 in April.) Not quite as much opposition, but he has his good days and bad ones, too. We also have the same potty- training issues.

    Mainly I wanted to say you are so not alone, and husband and I have struggled with- our frustration levels a lot. I am sure you have heard of this before, but what helps me sometimes is to just take deep breaths, and take a moment before I react. I have also been teaching our little guy to take deep breaths when he is upset and frustrated, (which is often somedays), and he does it sometimes, but others not. LOL Guess it depends on how upset he is. I'm not sure if that is any help at all. Just want to say again, your not alone on this one!
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Has he had any delays in development, such as speech (even if he has caught up?)

    Can he socialize well with his same-age peers?

    Does he ever repeat or copy things he has seen on television, or memorize entire shows?

    Does he have a great rote memory but have trouble expressing abstract thoughts?

    Does he have any obsessive behaviors?

    Has he ever seen a neuropsychologist or been tested for high functioning autism?

    Any mood disorders on the family tree on either side? Does he usually make good eye contact with strangers?

    ODD is rarely a stand alone diagnosis. and is normally a symptom of a bigger disorder. Welcome to the board!
  5. YoyoMama

    YoyoMama New Member

    frustration rules - I am new here as well but I saw your post and thought I might comment about the pooping. When my now 8 year old was in 4K his teacher and principal (private 4-k - 8th school) said that they would not tolerate a child not toilet trained. It started his school career there disastrously. I knew it was not a toilet training problem but a medical issue and spent a couple of years getting to the bottom.

    At first his pediatrician diagnosed him with "functional constipation". X-rays showed that his entire bowels were completely full. He was prescribed Miralax daily. I was told that this was common with ADHD children. We continued the Miralax and had some success but his obstinance/defiance made it very, very difficult to get the other part of the protocol (sitting on the toilet for 5-15 minutes daily at the same time. Finally, after seeing a specialist who suggested we see a psychologist, I learned from someone about encopresis and began researching on the web. Since then we have been doing regular enemas and the soiling has essentially stopped. For the first time ever there are even times when he goes to the bathroom after a meal and has un-aided success. That is rare but always something to celebrate.

    My sons soiling was such a nightmare for me and stressed me out in great part because his school was so horrid, contemptuous and judgemental about the issue. Unfortunately I often took my frustration out on my son with displays of anger. I know now that this probably added to the problem and added to the defiant behavior and anxiety. Could I undo all that I would.

    One of the other things i did that helped me but did not help him was to revert to what we called, "paper underpants". But the thing that has worked like nothing else is the daily enema. I purchase the prepared bottles from Rite-Aid and use half a bottle a day. My son still resists and will at times skip a day but then he finally has direct reprecussions - his stomach actually hurts him now. When that happens he will relent and again accept the enema and we get back on schedule - still without accident. It has been a great relief.

    I encourage you to google encopresis and see what might work for you. Good luck.
  6. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Since others have given great advice, I'll speak on the frustrations. Believe me, we've all had/have it to varying degrees. The key to helping your own frustration level is to pick your battles.

    What's most important to you that difficult child do thru out the day? What behaviors can you let slide until you get others under control? Sitting down and thinking this thru, then coming up with plans on how to deal with certain behaviors helps tons.

    Second, make sure you are getting down time from difficult child. All of us need some time just for us during the day. Even if it's just for a hot soak in the tub or a walk around the block. Grab coffee with a friend. Something that is just for you to help you relax for a bit and de-stress. Cuz if Mama ain't happy, no one's happy.

    Welcome to the board. :)

  7. veggiegymrat

    veggiegymrat New Member

    midwest mom---my son can memorize entire shows and overall has a fascinating capability to remember things! He also does not make good eye contact. What do these things signify?
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    They are red flags for autistic spectrum disorder. My son has it. He knew his alphabet, his numbers to 100, and all the states and capitals, but could not really have a conversation. How does your son relate to same-age peers? How does he play with toys? Does he play appropriately or take them apart or line them up or throw them? I don't know how old he is so I don't know what to Back to my son. He is 15 and has had tons of help and is much better, but he still has trouble expressing abstract thoughts and has poor eye contact (although we've worked on it) and is socially disabled (although much better). He does have a few friends now--it took a while. Aspergers is a form of autism when a child doesn't have a speech delay. If the child HAS a speech delay, but is high functioning he is called Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD)-not otherwise specified. It is not a mental illness and requires interventions for the child to reach his best. medications often don't do any good. 50% of Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) kids take no medications.

    My son can memorize anything by rote. But he has trouble describing things--such as what he did on a vacation. He knows what he did, but getting the words out and explaining in the vivid way most kids do is very hard for him. He is smart in school, but has some simple deficits such as not caring if he ever showers or changes his clothes. He's a very endearing child, but until we knew what was wrong we just thought he was STRANGE. And his meltdowns puzzled us and he was medicated for them. Oh, yes, and he has very single-minded, narrow interests that consume him, another red flag. Often it's a techie thing such as computers or videogames and the videogame obsession is far beyond the normal kid videogame addiction. We were wrongly told our son had bipolar, which he does not.

    If you haven't seen a neuropsychologist, I'd see one. They do great, intensive testing. psychiatrists often misdiagnose spectrum kids.