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New here- daughter is adopted and we just sent her to Residential Treatment Center (RTC) for cutting
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 590361" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Hi. Another adoptive parent here. We do end up on these boards a lot, don't we? <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /> Welcome,a lthough sorry you had to be here. I did adopt one child from a mother who picked us, bless her heart. It helped that we knew Daughter's history on both sides of her family. So I have a few questions for you, and, by the way, I hope your mother is ok and finds a donor. </p><p></p><p>Although you were chosen by the birthmother, which in my opinion is the best way to adopt a child, do you know if her birthmother took care of herself during her pregnancy? Did she go for checkups? Did she abstain from drinking and using drugs? Do you know if there is any mental illness on either side of her family tree (DNA tree...she lives with her DNA, like my kids live with theirs). Was the pregnancy normal and did you get to bring her home from the hospital? I think it is so much better if you can just take the child home rather than making the poor baby wait in foster care for weeks or months, which is how some states do it. </p><p></p><p>This is a hard question to ask you, but my oldest adopted daughter, who we received at five months old from Korea, was always a very sensitive child. She didn't talk much about adoption, although we encouraged her to, but I know it was on her mind a lot. To make matters worse, Dad and I divorced. That didn't help. She started smoking pot at age 12. Are you sure you daughter is not involved in any drugs? Drugs start early these days. My daughter also cut herself. A lot. I didn't know how much until after she stopped, but I knew she did it and it broke my heart like yours was broken. She did go into a hospital when she took a knife and put it to her throat. </p><p></p><p>I think you did the right thing. Now cutting doesn't just stop. It becomes like a habit and hopefully you will continue to take her for therapy. It would really help if you found a therapist who understands the special sensitivities and rejection issues facing adopted kids. No matter how much we love them, they feel like First Mom rejected them. That muddles their sense of self worth and they struggle with "who am I?" issues too. </p><p></p><p>My younger adopted daughter, Jumper, who is about the most well-balanced teenager I have ever met, in spite of being adopted, did go through a rough spot where I had to contact her BM so that she could see for herself that her BM loved her. My daughter Jumper told me, during her dark time, "Being adopted should be considered like a special need." I never forgot that. I never discounted it. It's different and requires us to be aware that the child is very aware of her adopted status a great deal of the time. </p><p></p><p>I hope the hospital stay helps your daughter and that you can get her the help she needs. Your daughter sounds a lot like Julie, my daughter from Korea, in her personality and she had some hard times in high school but really turned into a great young adult. Your daughter can and probably will too. And she doesn't hate you and, you know very well, you shouldn't have said that back to her about your relationship changing forever, but "I'm so sorry" works wonders. I say it often. Also...JMO...I wouldn't talk about her "hateful" behavior in front of her anymore. I think it does more harm than any good...this is JUST my opinion.</p><p></p><p>Your daughter's early development kind of worries me. Can you please answer the question about her birthmother's behavior during her pregnancy? Thanks.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 590361, member: 1550"] Hi. Another adoptive parent here. We do end up on these boards a lot, don't we? :) Welcome,a lthough sorry you had to be here. I did adopt one child from a mother who picked us, bless her heart. It helped that we knew Daughter's history on both sides of her family. So I have a few questions for you, and, by the way, I hope your mother is ok and finds a donor. Although you were chosen by the birthmother, which in my opinion is the best way to adopt a child, do you know if her birthmother took care of herself during her pregnancy? Did she go for checkups? Did she abstain from drinking and using drugs? Do you know if there is any mental illness on either side of her family tree (DNA tree...she lives with her DNA, like my kids live with theirs). Was the pregnancy normal and did you get to bring her home from the hospital? I think it is so much better if you can just take the child home rather than making the poor baby wait in foster care for weeks or months, which is how some states do it. This is a hard question to ask you, but my oldest adopted daughter, who we received at five months old from Korea, was always a very sensitive child. She didn't talk much about adoption, although we encouraged her to, but I know it was on her mind a lot. To make matters worse, Dad and I divorced. That didn't help. She started smoking pot at age 12. Are you sure you daughter is not involved in any drugs? Drugs start early these days. My daughter also cut herself. A lot. I didn't know how much until after she stopped, but I knew she did it and it broke my heart like yours was broken. She did go into a hospital when she took a knife and put it to her throat. I think you did the right thing. Now cutting doesn't just stop. It becomes like a habit and hopefully you will continue to take her for therapy. It would really help if you found a therapist who understands the special sensitivities and rejection issues facing adopted kids. No matter how much we love them, they feel like First Mom rejected them. That muddles their sense of self worth and they struggle with "who am I?" issues too. My younger adopted daughter, Jumper, who is about the most well-balanced teenager I have ever met, in spite of being adopted, did go through a rough spot where I had to contact her BM so that she could see for herself that her BM loved her. My daughter Jumper told me, during her dark time, "Being adopted should be considered like a special need." I never forgot that. I never discounted it. It's different and requires us to be aware that the child is very aware of her adopted status a great deal of the time. I hope the hospital stay helps your daughter and that you can get her the help she needs. Your daughter sounds a lot like Julie, my daughter from Korea, in her personality and she had some hard times in high school but really turned into a great young adult. Your daughter can and probably will too. And she doesn't hate you and, you know very well, you shouldn't have said that back to her about your relationship changing forever, but "I'm so sorry" works wonders. I say it often. Also...JMO...I wouldn't talk about her "hateful" behavior in front of her anymore. I think it does more harm than any good...this is JUST my opinion. Your daughter's early development kind of worries me. Can you please answer the question about her birthmother's behavior during her pregnancy? Thanks. [/QUOTE]
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