New here - daughter problems

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Highpockets, May 29, 2014.

  1. Highpockets

    Highpockets New Member

    My daughter, who is turning 18 in a couple of weeks, is an ongoing problem that has literally sent me to the edge of insanity. She is a beautiful young woman who can be a great person, but with me, more often than not, she is hateful, verbally abusive and entitled.

    Our issues with her began when she was in 8th grade and was being bullied at school by the "mean girls." She began refusing to go to school. We got nowhere with the school in dealing with the bullies and finally withdrew her to attend a homeschool academy. When the bullying began, I relapsed into a bout of serious depression (something I've experienced from time to time) and began really enabling some behavior I shouldn't have. I was so concerned over her not going to school and hibernating in her room (she had previously been very socially active) that I gave in to virtually every demand in an effort to "bribe" her into going to school. This set up a pattern that has continued. She bargains with me to do things she's supposed to do. And when I live up to my side of the bargain, 99 percent of the time, she doesn't. I've heard a lot "I won't go to school if you don't ...."

    Things went relatively well at the new school for the remainder of that year and she made one good friend that she spent a lot of time with. difficult child has never been a great student (smart, but lazy) but was doing okay with grades. However, school was an ongoing nightmare for my husband and I because she would not get up in the morning. Would. Not. Without me constantly going into her room to wake her up over and over, her calling me a b---- And telling me to F off. Most days she was late (for classes at 10:00) or missed her first class. Grades suffered, not surprisingly. She went to summer school last year to make up for some failed classes, then began this school year doing a lot better. Still experiencing the same morning issues and bargaining, but I was hopeful she was maturing a little. She had also become close friends with a really nice girl and was more active socially.

    After winter break, she wouldn't go to school. I knew she didn't love it, but her work was better and she's getting closer to finishing. Talking about college. Her friend had moved to a different school and they were no longer spending much time together, and while she had a couple of buddies at school, she wasn't happy. So - after years of begging, bribing and generally behaving ridiculously, I gave up. Said she could do online school. However, when it came time to start that, she needed a little "break." She'll do it in the fall. With that delay she's looking at graduating at close to 20. So our next plan is to get a GED. I contacted the county, set up an appointment to register for tests and classes (under 18 have to go to twice weekly classes instead of doing them online), which would begin in July. No. She doesn't want to go to classes with "those" people and wants a summer break. She'll do it in September when she can do it online. She has virtually no social life, sits around all day, after waking at 2:00, and expects me to literally wait on her. And dammit, sometimes I have. This week we were scheduled to visit two cosmotology schools she may want to attend next year (if she gets her GED) and we didn't do either. She can't get up because she didn't sleep, she has cramps, she's stressed (?). I have just had it. I don't know what miracle she thinks is going to save her. She's actually looking at apartments to live in when she goes to school, but she hasn't gotten her drivers license because she won't finish her (online) drivers ed, hasn't started studying for GED, can't make herself food because "no one will show me how to cook." But she'll be good living alone in an apartment in a big city.

    Everything that goes wrong in her life is someone else's fault, usually mine. And I admit to making some mistakes and enabling her, but I have and am trying to help her get on her feet and move forward. I have had concerns that she might be depressed and tried to get her to see someone about that, but she refused.

    I have to admit she is self-entitled and disrespectful. She really does expect me to plan my life around her whims, and I have. I'm afraid it's too late to break this pattern, and if she doesn't, she won't be able to do anything - go to cosmotology school, work. Have a life. So I'm looking for advice, wisdom, anything anyone can offer. Thanks.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Does she do drugs? When you say she is entitled, what do you mean? T

    The very first thing I can advise, however, is to set boundaries and refuse to plan your life around her whims. Just don't do it, even if she rages and says hateful things and acts like a two year old having a tantrum. Secondly, make her get a part time job. Don't give her any money. Provide only for her needs...nutritious food and enough appropriate (not necessarily stylish or cool clothes). And tell her she works, goes to school next year, or WILL find herself an apartment and you aren't the one who will pay for it. I wouldn't encourage her to drive. Who will pay her car expenses, get the picture? Tell her she will have to pay her own insurance (or her part of the insurance if she does get a license). You get the idea. At eighteen she is legally an adult.

    by the way, ignore her silly blame game manipulation. Almost all of our difficult children do that. It is just verbal vomit to get us to feel guilty and continue to care for them as if they were still ten years old and should go in one ear and out the other. At her age, legally the problems will be on HER shoulders and I would flat out refuse to listen to verbal abuse. If you are in the same room and can't leave, just ignore it, like she isn't even speaking. This is easier to do if you think about WHY she is doing isn't because it's the truth; it's because you stopped the Bank of Mother and are no longer letting her be a slacker. Whatever happened in the past, happened in the past. Lots of bad things happen to kids. But not all kids who think they had bad lives decide to make a mess of their lives. It is her fault and hers alone if she refuses to help herself.

    Sorry for your hurting mommy heart.
    Last edited: May 29, 2014
  3. Highpockets

    Highpockets New Member

    No drugs. When I say entitled I mean she expects everyone to do what she wants, when she wants. She expects for people to do for her, but she doesn't think she needs to do the same. She thinks she is entitled to new clothes or makeup or whatever it is she wants at that moment, but shouldn't have to so anything to earn it. I believe she got my debit card number and used it to charge some movies, music online, but swears she didn't, but pitched a fit when I cancelled my card. Basically, she's a very tall toddler. Brat. She's unhappy, but won't take the steps necessary to change that. Easier to blame something or someone else.
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    She stole from you. Did you call the police? What were her consequences? Did you cut off her money supply and make her get a job to pay you back? If you did nothing, our difficult children don't respect us. They feel we are fools and will keep doing this.

    She can expect all she wants. The only way she can stay entitled is if you give in to her expectations. You can stop doing that today.

    There is nothing you can do to change your daughter or help her become happy. She will be eighteen soon. It is up to her 100%. But you can make YOUR life easier and not take her crapola and set boundaries.
  5. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome Highpockets. I'm glad you found us.

    Your daughter sounds very much like many of our kids, entitled, manipulative, lazy, takes no responsibility, insists on others doing for them what they should be doing for themselves, has no initiative, has a failure to launch and is rude and disrespectful.

    Unfortunately you have enabled her, but at 18, now it is up to her. Most of us here get to a point where we have to change the situation, for our benefit, once we become aware that our enabling has not helped, mattered, or changed anything and has in fact, made matters worse. All we can change is the way we respond to the demands made by our adult kids. And, the first place to start is NO. The second is NO. The third is NO. There is no reason why you have to do anything for an adult woman who is lazy and irresponsible and rude. You are allowing yourself to be held hostage by the behavior of a spoiled toddler in a grown woman's body.

    You may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. For many of us it represents the path out of the relentless struggles our kids pose for us. It gives us our power back and allows us to focus on ourselves and return to our own lives seeking our own satisfaction, joy and peace.

    We've been in your shoes and it feels helpless and powerless, it feels bad and often it's hard to see a way out. But there is a way out and it's really all on you because your daughter won't make any changes because the life she is leading is easy, she has no responsibilities or really, any reason to change. But you do. And you can.

    You may want to read Codependent no more by Melodie Beattie. It's helpful to see that we can change our responses and thereby alter the circumstances. Start to think about what YOU want and need. Think about how YOU want the household to run and what your expectations are. And, make that clear. Give your daughter a date to begin work, or school or whatever it is you feel is appropriate and when that date comes, all financial aid from you, ends. Let her know that. She is expected to do chores, buy her own toiletries, clothes, all of it. If you pay for a cell phone and WiFi stop it. Stop all financial care for her. If she lives in your home she is expected to make a contribution, if she doesn't, then she needs to find a different place to live. This all may sound harsh, but it is realistic and if she is not in school, then she needs to work. That is real life. That is reality. Anything less then that is allowing her to get a free ride she doesn't in any way deserve.

    The way for you to get out from under is to set strict boundaries around her behavior and to uphold them, no matter what.

    That will be a difficult transition for you which is why most of us seek professional help or support groups or 12 step groups. CoDa is a good one. It's hard to break those patterns but it is not impossible. You will need a commitment, you will need strength, support, courage and a strong resolve to change this situation. If you read our stories here, you will see we are all in various stages of detachment.

    It is never too late to break the pattern and the sooner you do it, the better it will be. It is not easy, but it is doable. Keep posting here, it helps us to write our story and to get empathy, understanding, strength and to learn tools to master so that we can stop enabling our adult kids and begin the journey back to our own lives.

    You're in a rut, you've both learned a script which you enact in each situation. If one of you changes your part in the script,the other has no choice but to change. Your daughter will not be changing any time soon, you really need to get that, otherwise you will wait around for another year or five or even ten waiting for her to change. Forget it. She won't. You have to change. In doing that you send the message that you believe she is equipped enough to figure out her own life. Enabling her sends the message that she isn't equipped.

    It will be hard on you and on her, but that is the way out. The alternative is you continue down the road you're on and expect different results. That will not happen without you changing the script. And when you do? Be prepared for her to up the ante, to be outrageously angry and manipulative. She will pull out all the stops in order to get you to go back to the way it was. That is when you will need to hold the line and not give in. Otherwise, your word will cease to mean anything. So, if you are going to endeavor down the path of detachment, you will need to get your ducks on order and pull up your strength.

    We are here to help support you. Many of us have been in your shoes and will come forth to offer you a hand, a hug and a guiding light through the forrest, until you get to the clearing............which, if you have the commitment to change, you WILL do. Wishing you peace. Keep posting. I'm glad you're here.
  6. Highpockets

    Highpockets New Member

    Thanks for the advice. You're pretty much telling me what I know, I just haven't done it. I'm determined to stop this now, for both our sakes. I appreciate your input.
  7. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Welcome highpockets, and we get you and the situation. I have empathy for you and I'm so glad to read between the lines that you are really ready for something to change here. That is a very good day for you---being ready. Now the hard work begins.

    Like RE said above, it is never too late to change. If you were 80 and she was 60, and this were still going on (god forbid, but if you don't stop it, that IS what will happen), it still would not be too late to change. But that is completely up to you. You can start the change NOW.

    I am sure she is. My difficult child is a handsome young man with tons of intellect, abilities and potential, but because of his drug addiction, he is deciding to live a life that does not take advantage of all of the many gifts he has been given by God and by his family.

    He can be super-nice, sweet, hug me and say I love you. And he can also pound on my door in the middle of the night after being asked not to and then tell me to F___ Y___ when I drop him off at an all-night laundromat at 3 a.m. within 15 minutes of that door-pounding. I mean what I say now. I didn't used to mean what I say, and I taught him that if he just kept on and on and on, I would cave. Not anymore. And believe me, even though I have been behaving consistently with my boundaries for the past 2+ years, he still doesn't like it, and thus the F____ Y___. I used to get all excited and upset and stupid when he said things like that but not anymore.

    Of course you have. We all have, and we all still do at times. I'm glad you are kind of mad at yourself about that, though, because that means you know it doesn't work and you are ready for change. We do what we do until we learn to do something different. That's where the hard work begins---learning to do something different. We are ready to learn when we are completely sick and tired of our current situation and we finally see it is going NOWHERE and we are practically insane with it all.

    Oh really? She can't get up? You know and I know that she is choosing not to get up. My son did that all through high school. I was so stupid I bought two more alarm clocks and would actually---now get this---actually help him set them up so they would go off consecutively within a few minutes of each other, because....he just couldn't get up. The whole wide rest of the entire world finds a way to get up every morning but not him. "I just can't hear the alarm clock, Mom. I don't know what is wrong with me, but I can't." I look back at all of the enabling I did and I have some compassion for myself but I also want to shake that silly mother me who kept on and on trying to live someone else's life for them and make everything just peachy keen because they seemed unable to do the very basic things for themselves like do homework, turn in homework, get up in the morning, etc.

    YOU are her miracle. You have been her miracle. That is what you have to stop, and get out of the way, so she has a chance to grow up. That means fall down, get back up and take the consequences of her decisions. That is becoming an adult and it is a process that every adult-to-be has to go through. We have to stand back, stand down, move out of the way and make space for it to happen. That is the highest and greatest love we can offer our grown children.

    She may be depressed, but she is STILL accountable for her behavior and her actions. Any therapist will tell you this truth. We are always accountable for what we do, unless we are truly and completely incapacitated.

    And she will, bet on that. She will not like her life being her responsibility and Dear Old Mom not jumping up and handling everything. So get ready for the firestorm.

    This is a write-me-down. This is the absolute truth. And standing back and watching our kids go through the things that some of them go through is absolutely the hardest thing we will ever do in our whole lives, I believe.

    Amen! No. No. No. No. No. These are the best gifts you can start offering your difficult child.

    So we have talked about WHAT to do, but not HOW to do it. This is very hard stuff to learn, and you will have to start the learning process like you were taking a college course. Study, practice, homework, mistakes, learning from those, being tutored, asking for help. You won't do it perfectly so don't even start off expecting that of yourself. That is okay. We are human beings. We are not perfection machines.

    Warm hugs to you. Your daughter needs to start growing up. It's up to you to make the path clear so she can.
  8. Highpockets

    Highpockets New Member

    Today seems to be the beginning of the firestorm. Due to sleeping most of the day, she has trouble falling asleep at night , so she consciously stayed up all night so she could fall asleep tonight. Bad idea. At 10:00 she asked me to wake her I'm an hour, which I tried to do. Didn't get up. I told her I was leaving the house and wouldn't be there to keep trying. So I left and 2 hours later start getting a barrage of texts. Apparently she had plans with friends, and when they couldn't reach her. They left without her. Of course this is my fault, a horrible mom who has never been there for her. I feel awful. And I can only imagine what will happen when I go home.
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    in my opinion you never offer to do anything for her that she can do for herself. Or if s he can't, she has to learn. Go into your room, lock door, turn off cell phone. iF she tries to break in, screams, theatens...yes, call the police. In my opinion, her not getting her way is not a good reason to use verbal/physical violence. Both are in my world unacceptable. Tough luck. It's not the end of the world that she didn't go out. Does she have a job yet? Is she making plans for her future?

    You are going to need to detach from her drama or YOU will never be better and it will NOT NOT NOT help your daughter if you angst over her nonstop OR if you enable her to stay a whiny child and give into her like some people give into a two year old's tantrums. You need to start having a good life even though your daughter is struggling or you will go down with her, and it's not necessary.

    Seek out help. Read self-help books. Go on a mission to learn about how to deal with non-functional, abusive loved ones.

    She may have to leave your house if she expects you to do the unreasonable and screams like a baby if she misses a night out with her friends.

    It is in your best interests to detach from this drama and to let your daughter do things on her own, even if she messes up. At least she MAY grow up...but only if you let her. Our difficult children went to be perennial children who live with us and count on our constant money and it's up to us if we want to move on from that or have it still when we are 80 and they are 50.

    I hope you choose to have a good life in spite of your daughter and to start taking steps to let her know the days of free lunches and your putting up with her disrespect and screaming are over. They are not good things for EITHER of you!

    Hugs!!!! Wishing you a serene evening.
  10. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You should NOT feel awful. This is her fault and only her fault and she needs to live with the consequences. I bet she will wake her self up the next time she wants to go out with her friends.

    Please don't make the mistake I have made. My difficult child just turned 29 and she started all of this at your daughter's age (with substance abuse issues tossed in to make it more fun). Through the help of a therapist that I have been seeing for a year and reading Co-dependent no more, I have finally learned to set boundaries and my husband and I have stepped back and are letting her take care of herself. Of course, it helps that she doesn't live with us and the halfway house she is living in and her current therapist are 100% on board that we need to let difficult child grow up and take care of herself.

    If you ask her, though, she will tell you that she can't take care of herself. It is much easier to have mom and dad always come to your rescue and take the blame for your actions.

    I would suggest going even further. You do not owe her anything at 18. Strip her room and take the door off. If she wants anything, she can get herself out of bed and get a job. I would also stop cooking for her. Trust me, she will not starve.

    Yes, she will pitch a fit and call you all sorts of names. I would use my cell phone and take a video of her in action and then call the police and do it every time she becomes abusive. My difficult child had the remarkable ability to stop in mid-tantrum when she realized that I was videoing her.

    Your difficult child will probably use the suicide threat next. You have to recognize this as the emotional blackmail that it is. I would calmly respond that you hope that she doesn't but it is her choice and walk away.

    She will keep upping the ante to try to make you give in because you always have before. There is something in dog training called an extinction burst. It means that they will become more and more frantic trying to make you do what they want you to do. If you ignore it long enough, they will stop. Sadly, it seems to work with difficult children, too.

    As others have said, find a therapist and/or a support group to help you through this. husband and I like Families Anonymous. Any group will do, though, as long as you feel comfortable with them.

    Keep posting. So many of us here have gone through what you are going through. We are here to listen and support you. This board has been a lifeline for me.

  11. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    You sound like me when all this started for us, Highpockets. I would look at the situation as it existed and blame myself for it.

    I was the mom.

    This was not helpful to my children.

    Those of us who responded before I did gave excellent advice. I would add that the changes you want to see in your daughter's life will not happen until you stop taking responsibility for what she chooses to do.

    AlAnon will be an excellent resource for you. You are not the only parent in this predicament. It is important for you to know that, in person, with other parents. The alcohol part doesn't matter for you. Meeting with other parents who are putting their own lives and priorities back in order ~ that is what will matter for you, I think.

    As for what will happen when you go home, Highpockets...what would you like to happen?

    Whatever does happen today when she gets home? Keep your focus on what should have happened. Keep your focus on the best possible outcome.

    It isn't only about what we got. It is about what we needed and did not get.

    The battle is won in our thoughts, in what we teach ourselves is acceptable, and in what we teach ourselves (and our children) is no longer acceptable. Change is hard. This is going to take time, and it is going to be battle after battle. But if you do not tackle the situation head on, the situation will not change.

    That part is up to you.

    What would you like to see happen for your child?

    Work toward that.

    I wouldn't call the police today, but I would verbally stand up to my child, for sure. If there is a tantrum, definitely tape it. That was an excellent idea. Maybe your child does not realize what her behavior looks and sounds like. Film her sleeping past the agreed upon time. Film her acting like a jerk when you attempt to wake her.

    Film the messy bathroom.

    Though you could show this to your child? The value in taping these things is for you. It really is as bad as you think it is. The videos will help you be strong enough to change your situation.

    This thinking helped me in regards to my son: He was in his mid-twenties at the time. He had moved home. We knew he was using drugs, but had not yet acknowledged the extent of their influence. Anyway, someone here posted about 19 year old soldiers stationed in other countries. 19 year olds who did not have the option of complaining to their mothers about how tough it was, about how scared they were, about how the world was very unfair.

    All at once, I saw my son as the adult he was. and I was able to change the way I thought about and interacted with him. I got a little tougher. He hated that. He hated this site. But over a short time, he found work (online) found an apartment (online) and moved out.


    As the addiction that would take him over got its hooks into him, he moved back home three or four more times, Highpockets. I had to get stronger, tougher. This site helped me to see what was really happening. The other parents here helped me know that all the kindness and mother love in the world would not help an addicted child.

    I had to be tough enough to face the problem and deal with it.

    I am still learning how to do that.

    It is very hard.

    But I am doing it.


    Another thing I would do is tell my child that, just as I had allowed the power swing into her court...for her own good, for her own growth, for the sake of her own independence, I was taking it back.


    Right now.

    If you aren't sure how to think about that, post and one of us who has been right where you are now will respond. This site is a wonderful place for that very reason. Some one of us will have been through exactly what is happening to you, and to your child.

    You could: Buy a posterboard from WalMart, title it difficult child's Independence Plan, and tape it to the front of the fridge. With difficult child (assuming she is cooperating) list what needs to happen this week.
    The purpose is actually just basic communication. difficult child does not have to know that. You want to list things like:

    Online Job Applications
    In person job application pick ups / completions
    Online Driver's Ed course
    GED prep or online classes toward diploma

    difficult child is to list completions on the posterboard.

    She needs to take responsibility for it, not you.

    It is a practice, Highpockets. You should make it clear to difficult child that you intend to change things. That if she cannot do what you require, then for her own good she will be moving out.

    When difficult child roars about where it is you expect her to go, you can respond: "I don't know, yet. I'm thinking about it. There are lots of ways to change our situation, and for your own good, I am committed to changing our situation. Where do you think you could go?"

    You will get better as you begin thinking differently about the nature of your responsibilities to your child at this point in her life.

    This is a seven day plan.

    Next Sunday night, review it. If difficult child has completed the Driver's Ed class, researched and begun preparations for the GED or the diploma, and made ten applications, fine. During this week though, whatever difficult child does, you will be creating a posterboard for yourself.

    What are you going to do when difficult child refuses to do what you told her to do? That is what goes on your posterboard.

    There are a million ways to create change, Highpockets. That is what you need to learn. You need to learn what it is that you want for your daughter in the rest of her life, and you need to learn how to get her started.

    It doesn't have to be that she moves out. Or maybe it does. Is there is a grandparent or a sister or brother who could take her for a time?

    Again, if you don't know how to begin, what to do if difficult child simply refuses to participate, post here.

    Some one will help you think through it.

    Read the suggested books, Highpockets. Or, for a crash course, search through YouTube videos of these materials.


    For me, detachment turned out to be not about detaching from the kids so much as it was about detaching from that screwy sense of compassion, of mommy will fix it, that I had for my kids. It is a tough old world out there. Our job is not to protect them from it, but to prepare them for it. The safe haven of mom and home, of fresh sheets and delicious food can turn into a prison, can turn into a place the child is afraid to leave.

    For your daughter's sake, you need to change her situation, Highpockets. She does not need a break from school. That is postponing the inevitable. If she is going to fail, then for Heaven's sake, let her fail now, while she is young and you can still help her. (And we all fall flat a million times ~ those hurts are the things that make us grow up, that trim our sails a little, that help us interact in the real world successfully.)

    Whatever it was that found you sheltering your daughter Highpockets, she is going to have to face it sooner or later. Better now, while she is young and strong and has a chance to change things than later, after she has fallen further and further behind.

    You can do this, Highpockets.

    We have been where you are, and we are right here for you, now.


    Welcome, Highpockets. Post back and let us know what happened when she came home, okay?

  12. Highpockets

    Highpockets New Member

    As we speak at nearly 3:00 pm, she is still laying in bed. Was awake around 10:00, but chose to lay in bed. I so appreciate the advice and encouragement. Sometimes we know what we need to do, we just find excuses and reasons to delay. I'm actually familiar with AlAnon, having attended meetings when I was younger. My mother is a (recovering) alcoholic. No doubt this has something to do with my wanting to fix everyone else! I am going to put my expectations in writing and lay it out for her. I don't expect cooperation right away, but maybe soon she'll begin to understand. In the meantime, I am also figuring out my own path, for myself now. I just retired from teaching preschool (ha, I deal way better with little ones) and my husband and I are planning the next couple of years forward to real retirement. We also have a 25 year old daughter who lives with us at the moment while she completes her BA in the fall. She has struggled with serious depression since adolescence, so that's been an additional issue. School was her sanctuary, and while it's taken a long time to get to completion, she hasn't displayed the behavior her sister has, and works and contributes. I'm just really tired of worrying about kids, you know? :)
  13. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    They're not kids.They're adults, approaching thirty. Depression can be treated and it is 100% up to your daughter to get help and to comply. Nobody else can fix her. Personally, I wouldn't let any daughter of almost 18 sleep that late without working and helping around the house.Why would you not expect your daughter to meet your expectations right away? Is she incapable of the reasonable list you are going to give her? I doubt it. If it were me, I'd crack down now...or it will become a pattern and she will expect you to go back on the consequences of her not living up to what you expect of her in YOUR house (it is not her house unless she pays the mortgage).

    You don't have to worry about either of them. They are legal adults now. You can let them grow up and make their own choices and detach from them or you can worry, worry and worry more, but that will not help them and it will harm YOU.

    I have suffered depression, bad, a great deal of my life and at first I thought it was so hard to do it alone because my parents had no interest in helping. But as I see others who are mentally ill and are not doing as well as I am, I'm glad they weren't there for me. I had to function and work and do what everyone else did and take care of my own health care needs, which helped my depression and my self-esteem. I may have just given into the depression without a fight if my mom had still been fussing over me because I had it, not making demands of me that the world does. And then my life would not be the good life it is today. in my opinion you need to take your life back and make it a spectacular rest-of-your-life and let your daughters learn by their mistakes or NOT learn, but they are not you and you are not them. You can't take care of them forever. They need to learn to live like adults and the sooner the better.

    Your youngest daughter really needs to know that you, I assume, don't think that at her age her life is one constant party and that she either has to do something serious to ensure a good future or else not expect free lodging and comforts...but that is JMO. I would definitely not allow the abuse.
    Last edited: Jun 1, 2014
  14. Highpockets

    Highpockets New Member

    We take a step forward, a step back. She has until end of the month to complete drivers ed and says she's working on it; we'll see. She has had insomnia off and on for a long time and right now, thanks to her choice to sleep too late during the day, that's bad. I've stopped doing anything for her beyond supplying meals. Some days she seems to accept it, others she pouts like a toddler. I suppose this is a process that will be ongoing for some time.