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New here just need to vent
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 613309" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>JustCan'tWin, welcome. I'm sorry you had to go looking for us, but I'm glad you are here.</p><p></p><p>Your story is not unlike most of ours here in Parent Emeritus. I think MWM and Cedar have given you good advice. The article on detachment is here at the bottom of my post. </p><p></p><p>As has been mentioned, our kids put us through the ringer, and at a certain point, we need to face the reality that it is <strong>not</strong> under our control, we are powerless to effect change in another, no matter who they are. You didn't cause this and you can't change it, only he can do that and he is opting to stay where he is. Bipolar or not, he is still the captain of his ship, not you.</p><p></p><p>Most of the time, the threats of self harm are just manipulations to keep us stuck in the enabling role.However, even if you son succeeds in doing himself harm, you cannot make your life about trying to keep that from happening, in essence that is holding you hostage with a possible outcome which may never happen but will certainly ruin your life. We have to do what feels like the unthinkable, we have to step away from the chaos of their lives and reclaim our own. I know it doesn't sound possible, but not only is it, it's imperative that you do because you have another child who requires your care.</p><p></p><p>Many of us here have had to make those difficult choices, we recognize the gravity of them, believe me, but detachment is the way you can find some peace and go on with your life. You may indeed have to call the police because his behavior dictates that consequence and life has consequences for our behaviors, he is not immune to that because he is bipolar. You need to set strong boundaries that he is aware of and that you protect with strict consequences. You may have to get a restraining order, many of us have had to do that.</p><p></p><p>Make sure you have good solid support for YOU. Get professional help if that is available and feels right, most of us need help to learn how to detach. There is NAMI which has excellent supports in place for us parents. And, as mentioned, 12 step groups as well. I found solace in CoDa and many here attend Family Anonymous groups. It is difficult to walk this path without support for US so make sure you have that. Be kind to yourself and learn how to take the focus off of your son and place it onto YOU. That alone will make a huge difference. Nurture yourself and make sure YOUR needs are met. </p><p></p><p>Worry, guilt, fear, anger, resentment, sorrow and grief are part of this landscape and ways that can stop us in our tracks. That's where support comes in. You can learn to live a peaceful life as detachment begins to work and you learn to accept what is, what you can't change. It's a tall order for sure, but a reachable one.</p><p></p><p>Keep posting, it helps. I'm glad you're here. I'm Wishing you peace.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 613309, member: 13542"] JustCan'tWin, welcome. I'm sorry you had to go looking for us, but I'm glad you are here. Your story is not unlike most of ours here in Parent Emeritus. I think MWM and Cedar have given you good advice. The article on detachment is here at the bottom of my post. As has been mentioned, our kids put us through the ringer, and at a certain point, we need to face the reality that it is [B]not[/B] under our control, we are powerless to effect change in another, no matter who they are. You didn't cause this and you can't change it, only he can do that and he is opting to stay where he is. Bipolar or not, he is still the captain of his ship, not you. Most of the time, the threats of self harm are just manipulations to keep us stuck in the enabling role.However, even if you son succeeds in doing himself harm, you cannot make your life about trying to keep that from happening, in essence that is holding you hostage with a possible outcome which may never happen but will certainly ruin your life. We have to do what feels like the unthinkable, we have to step away from the chaos of their lives and reclaim our own. I know it doesn't sound possible, but not only is it, it's imperative that you do because you have another child who requires your care. Many of us here have had to make those difficult choices, we recognize the gravity of them, believe me, but detachment is the way you can find some peace and go on with your life. You may indeed have to call the police because his behavior dictates that consequence and life has consequences for our behaviors, he is not immune to that because he is bipolar. You need to set strong boundaries that he is aware of and that you protect with strict consequences. You may have to get a restraining order, many of us have had to do that. Make sure you have good solid support for YOU. Get professional help if that is available and feels right, most of us need help to learn how to detach. There is NAMI which has excellent supports in place for us parents. And, as mentioned, 12 step groups as well. I found solace in CoDa and many here attend Family Anonymous groups. It is difficult to walk this path without support for US so make sure you have that. Be kind to yourself and learn how to take the focus off of your son and place it onto YOU. That alone will make a huge difference. Nurture yourself and make sure YOUR needs are met. Worry, guilt, fear, anger, resentment, sorrow and grief are part of this landscape and ways that can stop us in our tracks. That's where support comes in. You can learn to live a peaceful life as detachment begins to work and you learn to accept what is, what you can't change. It's a tall order for sure, but a reachable one. Keep posting, it helps. I'm glad you're here. I'm Wishing you peace. [/QUOTE]
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