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<blockquote data-quote="Echolette" data-source="post: 613333" data-attributes="member: 17269"><p>Just can't win,</p><p>I know what it is like to have one of your kids frighten or upset your other kids. I have 3 easy child's (one of whom is the twin of my difficult child). My ex, their dad, used to tell them that our difficult child was ruining their lives. I spent a lot of time working with them to help them understand that no one else has the power to ruin their lives, that that power lies only within ourselves, in our choices, in our reactions. I think that helped. I also pounded home the "he is ill, he didn't choose to be this way, he would be you if only he could"....I'm not sure that that was right, but that was the message that felt right to me at the time.</p><p>He did hurt them. He stole from them repeatedly, embarassed them (he is frequently seen begging on streets in the neighborhodd, and sometimes offers to sell drugs to their friends), he sucked up all the air in the house for a long time, and they grew up with the sound of yelling in the house over and over again. So my ex is not wrong. All you can do is support your 12 years old, help him to know that you are listening to both your kids and doing what you can, that your decisions and relationship with your kids are a parents worries, and that he can trust you to make thoughtful decisions, and that ultimately, his brother's life is his brother's life and neither you nor he (the 12 year old) can control that. </p><p>Bummer about the hotels. I have often wondered about paying for a cheap hotel for my difficult child, so I would know he could take a warm shower and sleep well...but in my heart I knew he would pack 12 of his closest sleazy friends (most of whom he would have met in the park or on the streets in the last few weeks) into the room, and they would trash it. So I haven't gone there.</p><p>Good luck to you and to your family. I am a newcomer to these pages as well....they help A LOT.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Echolette, post: 613333, member: 17269"] Just can't win, I know what it is like to have one of your kids frighten or upset your other kids. I have 3 easy child's (one of whom is the twin of my difficult child). My ex, their dad, used to tell them that our difficult child was ruining their lives. I spent a lot of time working with them to help them understand that no one else has the power to ruin their lives, that that power lies only within ourselves, in our choices, in our reactions. I think that helped. I also pounded home the "he is ill, he didn't choose to be this way, he would be you if only he could"....I'm not sure that that was right, but that was the message that felt right to me at the time. He did hurt them. He stole from them repeatedly, embarassed them (he is frequently seen begging on streets in the neighborhodd, and sometimes offers to sell drugs to their friends), he sucked up all the air in the house for a long time, and they grew up with the sound of yelling in the house over and over again. So my ex is not wrong. All you can do is support your 12 years old, help him to know that you are listening to both your kids and doing what you can, that your decisions and relationship with your kids are a parents worries, and that he can trust you to make thoughtful decisions, and that ultimately, his brother's life is his brother's life and neither you nor he (the 12 year old) can control that. Bummer about the hotels. I have often wondered about paying for a cheap hotel for my difficult child, so I would know he could take a warm shower and sleep well...but in my heart I knew he would pack 12 of his closest sleazy friends (most of whom he would have met in the park or on the streets in the last few weeks) into the room, and they would trash it. So I haven't gone there. Good luck to you and to your family. I am a newcomer to these pages as well....they help A LOT. [/QUOTE]
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