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General Parenting
New here--Long story--Need an approach
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<blockquote data-quote="Malika" data-source="post: 427176" data-attributes="member: 11227"><p>I'm not sure, to be honest, that at the age of 15 you are going to "take back power" over your son. I think he is more likely to be driven underground or over the wall by such hardline tactics. Others will disagree! But my own take is that you are more likely to have success with a collaborative approach in which you engage his respect and in which it becomes clear that you the parents are equally deserving of respect. A two-way thing. It's much harder than the laying down the law approach, I suspect - much more demanding of parental imagination, effort and creativity. Time too. My son is only four and I honestly find nothing works well with him other than a collaborative approach. Sometimes when he is starting to go into a meltdown (happened tonight!) I say to him, "J, slow down, calm down, can we talk about this?" Then I talk to him about the problem and the possible solutions, in language geared to him, and believe it or not he calms down and becomes reasonable. I would have thought that at 15 your son is just that much more capable of collaborative problem solving. I would recommend "The Explosive Child" (which sounds rather as though it's pulling in the opposite direction from "Love and Logic", which I haven't read - just to make your life easier!) The chores thing - definitely your son has to pull his weight, but surely this can be achieved by some more subtle approach? I would be honest with him! Tell him you were too soft in the past, that was a mistake you made, by now the mistake should be put right and what does he think about it? Fifteen - and a smart fifteen - is going to want to be a partner in dialogue. You are not going to be able to use some hammer technique with him.</p><p>Them's me views!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Malika, post: 427176, member: 11227"] I'm not sure, to be honest, that at the age of 15 you are going to "take back power" over your son. I think he is more likely to be driven underground or over the wall by such hardline tactics. Others will disagree! But my own take is that you are more likely to have success with a collaborative approach in which you engage his respect and in which it becomes clear that you the parents are equally deserving of respect. A two-way thing. It's much harder than the laying down the law approach, I suspect - much more demanding of parental imagination, effort and creativity. Time too. My son is only four and I honestly find nothing works well with him other than a collaborative approach. Sometimes when he is starting to go into a meltdown (happened tonight!) I say to him, "J, slow down, calm down, can we talk about this?" Then I talk to him about the problem and the possible solutions, in language geared to him, and believe it or not he calms down and becomes reasonable. I would have thought that at 15 your son is just that much more capable of collaborative problem solving. I would recommend "The Explosive Child" (which sounds rather as though it's pulling in the opposite direction from "Love and Logic", which I haven't read - just to make your life easier!) The chores thing - definitely your son has to pull his weight, but surely this can be achieved by some more subtle approach? I would be honest with him! Tell him you were too soft in the past, that was a mistake you made, by now the mistake should be put right and what does he think about it? Fifteen - and a smart fifteen - is going to want to be a partner in dialogue. You are not going to be able to use some hammer technique with him. Them's me views! [/QUOTE]
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