new here..longish

[april1974]

Hi everyone, I want to say how reading everyone's stories make me realize that I'm not alone. ♥

My story...I am 37yrs old and married, my hubby and I have been together for 13yrs, I have a 20yr old daughter from a previous relationship and husband & I have twin boys age 5. My daughter is doing very well and is currently in college. My twins started kindergarten this year and surprising enough the twin I thought I would have issues with is doing fine and the twin I thought was ready and would excel is having major issues On friday we had a meeting at the school regarding his behaviour. I could write a novel about the issues I'm having with the school and some of their methods BUT...that is another story another post possibly. My silver lining in the school system is husband's aunt and godmother, she also happens to be head of the special needs department at the board level she is my go to girl and when I finally requested a meeting with the school I informed them that she would be coming as well. Don't think the principal was too thrilled about it, but...too bad, this is my son and they can suck lemons if they don't like it.

What brought us to this???? My twin b who I thought was ready is having some behavioural issues, for no reason, unprovoked he will do mean things friday the day of our meeting he went up to a girl on the play ground and uncrossed her legs so she lost her grip on the play equipment and fell off hitting her head in the sand I don't know what would possess him to do such a mean thing, he has also head butted other kids and kicked, punched, pushed etc...it's really sad and worries me. However the teachers say he isn't malicious when he does these things, they are out of the blue for no rhyme or reason. Sometimes he reacts to others when he hits if he percieves to be threatened he will lash out. At the present moment the teachers say the kids like him but if the behaviour continues over time the kids will learn to fear him. He can be the sweetest boy and he's very smart, academically he is doing fine, much better than his twin...I HATE comparing them and do my best not to, but how can two children raised in the same home be soooooooo different?????? twin a the teachers said has a kind heart ))) makes me very happy, I rarely get phone calls regarding Erik, but Matt it's weekly, that child has spent more time in the principals office than I ever did in my entire school days combined.

The teachers say his problems are usually when it's free time(recess) they wanted to cut his recess time down because they say it's too long for him..I flatly refused I stated in the meeting "The worst thing you can do to a boy is cut down his recess time, they need that time to run & burn off energy..I've done my research and it shows that cutting recess is a short term solution with long term implications and I refuse to allow him to be punished for behaviour that is impulsive and may or may not be in his control" the resource team agreed(Thank God) and said they think the best thing to do is have 1/2 his recess time structured with an EA, have a small group of kids do a structured activity that way ds isn't singled out. I agreed. My sister in law is an EA at a different school and she can't believe they didn't implement this months ago considering there have been issues all year long.

All year long.......one call after another......I did tell them I thought certain things they were nit picking and not allowing him to be who he is. All year we've had issues and we don't get a meeting till friday, funny, school is out in two week :rollingmyeyes: next year will be different.

plus he is banned from the school bus for 2 days because he stole a mini hockey stick from the principals office and hit a kid with it on the bus. I have no idea if he was provoked or not but he got a 2 day bus suspension, this is the 2nd bus suspension this year.

No official testing is set up, they don't like to do testing in kids under age 6 so we will wait. In the meantime, my hubby is super stressed and completely bummed out about all of this...I'm trying to educate myself on ODD & conduct disorder plus looking at ADHD...what is going on in his little mind I'm not sure.

As a parent I take part of the blame, we get so frustrated sometimes we yell...and act like 2 yr olds ourselves...we've been inconsistant with our discipline and need to shape up! I feel like now I not only have 2 children to look after but I also have to manage my husband's feelings and try to keep him from slipping into the abyss while I try to hang onto my own sanity and learn to rewire my behaviour to help our sons...I went to the library today and took a pile of books, I'm looking forward to reading
"It's nobody's fault" by Harold Koplewicz MD since I think I need to hear it's not your fault!

I could go on and on and on....but I won't and if you read all of this thankyou, I hope to learn so much from everyone here and maybe feel safe in telling you my story

 

[keista]

Welcome to the board! Sounds like you've really got your hands full.

Yes, DHs become additional children in these situations. Fortunately, some do step up to the plate and get with the program

Are your twins identical or fraternal?

In addition to researching ODD & conduct disorder plus looking at ADHD, check out Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) not otherwise specified & Asperger's.

In his 5y/o way, does he show any awareness that his behaviors are bad or wrong? Is he aware when someone gets hurt by his actions? Does he show any remorse or regret for his actions? Does he act this way or act out at home? The answers to these questions will help put the puzzle pieces together.

The good news is that you are realizing that there is a problem early on.

Stick around, you've found a great place for support, guidance and insights.

 

[april1974]

Welcome to the board! Sounds like you've really got your hands full.

Yes, DHs become additional children in these situations. Fortunately, some do step up to the plate and get with the program

Are your twins identical or fraternal? Fraternal

In addition to researching ODD & conduct disorder plus looking at ADHD, check out Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) not otherwise specified & Asperger's. Thanks I will/ where can I find a list with all of the abbreviations used on this site? I've been on forums for years but there are lot's here I don't know.

In his 5y/o way, does he show any awareness that his behaviors are bad or wrong?When we talk to him after and say "how would you feel, if xxxx happened to you?" he gets it, but he is very ego centric which the Special Education/resource team has said is very normal for some kids his age, we need to teach him empathy, and thinking before he acts. Is he aware when someone gets hurt by his actions? It doesn't seem to bother him if he causes someone else pain...but if his brother gets hurt or he see's someone get hurt he will show caring and he can be very protective of his twin. He seems to show caring as long as it's not him that has done the hurting. Does he show any remorse or regret for his actions? No Does he act this way or act out at home? Yes..he can be very vindictive to his brother...and bug him till Erik is screaming...he will want to play and Erik wants to be left alone, home can be a battle, he can be very defiant and exhausting, normal things like brushing his teeth or washing his hair can be huge fights, and other times he listens well, I know by the end of the day he is done and cranky by bedtime. The answers to these questions will help put the puzzle pieces together.

The good news is that you are realizing that there is a problem early on.

Stick around, you've found a great place for support, guidance and insights.

I will stick around, thanks...I definately need support while I work through my feelings and dealing with raising twins too. I keep reminding myself some people have it so much worse than us...we have a roof over our head, food in the fridge and support of family and husband & I have each other...I just need to remind myself of the good things in life and that regardless what ds has or doesn't have, he is our son and it's our job to protect & love him unconditionally...it's tough some days, and I have my own demons to deal with...PMS...some months it's fine other months it's horrible!

 

[keista]

PMS...some months it's fine other months it's horrible!

I hear ya sistah! I sometimes get blessed TWICE! UHG.

If an abbreviation has a line under it, you can mouse over it, and it will show what it is. Any diagnosis (diagnosis) abbreviations are usually searchable on the internet.

Also if you are using real names, you might consider changing them. Just a "better safe than sorry" thing. You don't know where the road with your son may lead, or what kind of 'secrets' you may feel comfortable sharing HERE, but not with the rest of the world.

 

[april1974]

Keista-Thanks for the underline tip, I just figured that out after I noticed the squigly line under it! Good idea on the name change, I will do that

 

[Malika]

Hello and welcome. Many hugs and much understanding for your situation Is there any history of ADHD in your family? Not that we know that that is what is going on with your boy but... seems a possibility. Lack of impulse control. Mind you, even this is complex. My son has ADHD (I think!) but he rarely if ever goes up to someone and hits or hurts them for no reason. So I wonder what is going on there? And then... you say that the son you had expected to have no problems at school was the one who did; this implies that before he started school there were no particular behavioural problems with this boy? Could it be something extraneous to him, not a disorder of some kind but related to his intelligence or the school?? If the problems really all started with school that's where I would be looking first, I think. Others may put me right on that!
And I SO much understand about behaving like a small child yourself in relation to him... yes you do need to inform yourself as much as possible and adapt your parenting. Knowledge is power!
What is your next move? Do you have appointments and evaluations scheduled? I think the school ringing you all the time is a nightmare - very stressful. Sounds like there needs to be some more formal diagnosis in place and the understanding and accommodations that go with it....
You've come to a good place - lots of understanding people and support here.

 

[BusynMember]

Hi there

What country do you live in?

Also, has your son been evaluated?

Have you looked into autistic spectrum disorder/specifically Aspergers? Did he have any speech delays? Other delays? Does he have any quirks or obsessions?

 

[april1974]

Hi there

What country do you live in? Canada

Also, has your son been evaluated?no, not yet

Have you looked into autistic spectrum disorder/specifically Aspergers? Did he have any speech delays?no delays, even though he was a premie he is very well spoken, and has the memory of an elephant, very smart(not a genious or anything but a smart kid) Other delays? None Does he have any quirks or obsessions? My gut tells me it's not autism or aspergers, I think it's either adhd or odd or possibley conduct disorder, but I'm not a dr. He has no quirks or obsessions[/QUOTE]

No evaluation yet, his dr says get him throught the rest of the year(only 2wks left) and see how the summer goes and then we can look at referals to a specialist. the schools Special Education/resource team is on board with him now and is monitoring/observing him. We had a meeting friday regarding his impulsivity/lashing out/bugging people etc and they want to keep things very positive for him and start doing some role playing with him in small groups so he isn't singled out, which I'm really happy about because I don't want him singled out of the group.

 

[april1974]

Hello and welcome. Many hugs and much understanding for your situation Is there any history of ADHD in your family? Not that we know that that is what is going on with your boy but... seems a possibility. Lack of impulse control. Mind you, even this is complex. My son has ADHD (I think!) but he rarely if ever goes up to someone and hits or hurts them for no reason. So I wonder what is going on there? And then... you say that the son you had expected to have no problems at school was the one who did; this implies that before he started school there were no particular behavioural problems with this boy? Could it be something extraneous to him, not a disorder of some kind but related to his intelligence or the school?? If the problems really all started with school that's where I would be looking first, I think. Others may put me right on that!
And I SO much understand about behaving like a small child yourself in relation to him... yes you do need to inform yourself as much as possible and adapt your parenting. Knowledge is power!
What is your next move? Do you have appointments and evaluations scheduled? I think the school ringing you all the time is a nightmare - very stressful. Sounds like there needs to be some more formal diagnosis in place and the understanding and accommodations that go with it....
You've come to a good place - lots of understanding people and support here.

I can't give a time frame of when things happened, M has always been bright, smart, cuddly, affectionate, but....he has always been difficult about things, it's like the normal terrible two's never passed, it's exhausting because normal things can turn into a fight, like brushing teeth, washing hair, cleaning up toys, not getting a treat, etc....going to school seems to have overwhelmed him, my mother in law has babysat the last 4 yrs so they didn't have the socialization of daycare center, and most of the kids in his class come from daycares where they are used to circle time etc....but they both had to make adjustments....when they first started school I got phone calls about both of them...but 1/2 the day they are split up which has helped them both out, M would mother hen his brother and E wasn't free to make friends..so splitting them up allowed them to each meet other kids and make friendships. It also freed up M from being the mother hen, he needed to be a kid and not stress over what his brother was doing.

I don't know if adhd runs in our family but my hubby & I both have signs of it, my mother said as a child I was go go go go go go I was always on the move and then I also have the typical sign of a female with adhd, I can daydream like nobody's business....I sometimes have a hard time focusing and will drift off into lala land...my hubby is mover, hates sitting around likes to be active, but he's not fidgity or anything, He's athletic in my opinion.

M who I worry about the most because of the violence, I fear for the future and hope we can nip this in the bud...teach him to chanel his emotions and think before he acts...academically he is fine and moving along ok. the teachers worry that he moves from play station to play station and doesen't seem to stay focused on anything, but kindergarden is designed for girls not boys..I've told them he can focus he just needs someone to reel him in and keep him involved, he gets fidgity and bored.

E I worry about academically, he's fine socially doesn't hit and has a tonne of empathy...but if that child gets into a snit about something...look out...he's super stuborn and can take hours to get over it. This happens less & less as he gets older, but sometimes you just can't reason with him he tunes out and doesn't listen...at least with M you can reason with him and talk to him.

If I could combine my twins they would be the easy child!

I keep telling myself "you love them...we can get through this"

 

[Malika]

A lot of what you say resonates for me... In fact, this feeling that the child has never left the terrible twos, something I have said too about my son, is a common theme I think among children with issues or disorders or however we express it. I think I've also read it in literature on ADHD.
It's great that the school now has some understanding and wants to deal with it in a way that doesn't single him out - that is very positive for him. I fear things are not going to get better or magically improve. I hope I'm wrong but suspect I probably am not... I say this because it's what I was at one time hoping and thinking with my son and what SO many people told me, that he would just grow out of it, etc. And in some ways he HAS calmed down and is capable of doing things that he was not a year ago, for example. It used to be an absolute nightmare when we went on a plane journey; now he will sit still or at least around his seat playing with toys for quite a long time. That kind of thing. But the impulsivity is still there as much as ever, and the oppositional tendency and what I call his "para-aggression"... It doesn't go away and I now realise it's not going to. When you say that you hope to find a means of channelling your son's emotions, I totally understand - I just haven't found for myself or from the outside what those means are, however. It sounds like you have access to quite a good network of care and therapy, etc, and it seems wise to wait until after the summer now.
Please keep us posted.

 

[april1974]

Thanks Malika for your input, it makes me realize I'm not alone and it is reasuring to hear others stories and opinions. I come in waves of thinking there is something wrong and then feeling that he is normal but busy and just needs to mature

I started to read the explosive child but I the more I read the more I realized that didn't fit my M, he doesn't have rages and isn't like how the author describes, he does get impulsive,sometimes aggresive(will kick & hit) and is very busy, he will say hurtfull things like "I don't love you" or "I hate you" but he doesn't on average have meltdowns, and when he is upset you can talk to him and reason with him unlike the kids the author talks about who almost black out and aren't receptive to negotiation. M seems to fit multiple disorders like ODD and ADHD

 

[AnnieO]

Hi!

I missed this post somehow. However... I will say this... Jett doesn't fit "The Explosive Child" either but the tips I got from reading it really work with him. (And... They don't work with my rager. So...)

I wonder... Does M do things like this "just to see what will happen"? I did some stuff like that as a child - until my Grandma got hold of me. She told me that if I wanted to know what would happen, first I should ask an adult. As an occasional difficult child, but reasonable, I began doing this. And I quit hurting people. I was very, very young then, though. And so are your boys.

You said he mother-henned E... Does E have any developmental issues? I'm wondering about this because Onyxx mother-henned Jett a LOT - but if she hurt him, it was OK.

And... Welcome! We're not doctors, but we've got lots of experience.

 

[Confused]

Hi jan1974,
That's good that his Dr and school are keeping an eye out now. It will be a long road and trial and error on how to handle the situations. Keep a journal what his days are like, what seems to get him started,etc. Everyone here already gave you great advice! I will just add my prayers for you!
Confused

 

[april1974]

Hi!

I missed this post somehow. However... I will say this... Jett doesn't fit "The Explosive Child" either but the tips I got from reading it really work with him. (And... They don't work with my rager. So...) I will keep reading it, to see what tips I can get out the book for dealing with M when he does get super frustrated, thanks for the advice.

I wonder... Does M do things like this "just to see what will happen"?Yes,sometimes I did some stuff like that as a child - until my Grandma got hold of me. She told me that if I wanted to know what would happen, first I should ask an adult. As an occasional difficult child, but reasonable, I began doing this. And I quit hurting people. I was very, very young then, though. And so are your boys.
Thanks for that I will try that with M
You said he mother-henned E... Does E have any developmental issues? I'm wondering about this because Onyxx mother-henned Jett a LOT - but if she hurt him, it was OK.
I was a little concerned about E since he can be really really difficult to reason with, he closes off and won't listen, he can be super stuborn more than his brother, but generally he listens very well, if I say E please don't do xxx he generally will comply, I know I shouldn't compare them but overall E is easier than M because E isn't as defiant as M, but M is easier about reasoning with or bargaining with.
And... Welcome! We're not doctors, but we've got lots of experience.

Thanks for the welcome, I already feel at home here, and it's nice to be able to talk about things I wouldn't share on my other forums.