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New here: need advice on what to do with 18 year old son
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<blockquote data-quote="Giulia" data-source="post: 530900" data-attributes="member: 14306"><p>Hello, </p><p>Ok, I am a difficult child myself, over 18 yo (so my mom is a parent emeritus too). </p><p></p><p>What the others said is you didn't cause it, you can't cure it and you can't fix it. </p><p>And in such a situation, life at home becomes unlivable for both of you, mother, son, and any other members. </p><p></p><p>You can take steps to make life more manageable for everyone. It won't cure the problem, it won't make him without behavior problems. But it will make life at home livable for everyone. </p><p></p><p>You have a huge Prevert's list of problems in your plate. Unfortunately, you cannot solve all of them at once. </p><p>Remember, a difficult child-ish behavior didn't appear overnight, so it won't be fully manageable overnight either. </p><p>It takes a lot of baby steps to get better. </p><p></p><p>However, contrary to Star, I am careful with thought love.</p><p>What made my difficult child-ish behavior manageable at home was taking everything one step at time. </p><p>A difficult child-ish behavior is like black and white : he loves or he hates, he is lovely or nasty etc etc... Grey areas are nearly non existant in life, I needed a great deal of time to learn them. </p><p>So you have to take account of it in order not to fuel the problems. </p><p></p><p>You won't tackle all the problems at once. </p><p>So do it one tiny tiny step at time. </p><p></p><p>At the beginning, you separate your priorities. Otherwise, you will make the police all the time, and instead of solving the problem, you fuel the problem. </p><p>At the beginning, you separate the issues in three : what is absolutely non negotiable, what is preferred and what would it be in the ideal world. I will put traffic lights colors in order to make them easier to retain (any objection from a mod ?). </p><p>The <span style="color: #FF0000"><em>non negotiable</em></span> rules are the rules you won't negotiate and enforce all the time. It is about health, safety and basic property. Keep it <em>short</em>, maximum three non negotiable rules at time. Consequences will apply only on these three non negotiable rules. You choose consequences only for these rules, and you forget the two other baskets at the moment. </p><p>The <span style="color: #FF8C00"><em>preferred rules</em></span> are what you prefer, but you won't put anyone in danger for it. For example, if he is oversensitive to clothing, naked body at home is unpleasant, but objectively, no one will be killed if he is naked in the corridor. I would say that they are unpleasant but harmless behaviors you will ignore at the moment.</p><p>The <span style="color: #006400"><em>what would be the ideal world</em></span> rules are what you would wish for your son in an ideal world. But since world is not perfect, fighting over it won't bring anything. </p><p>Only separating the issues will spare you plenty of energy, so plenty of exhaustion. </p><p></p><p>So, if we follow my reasoning, I see that the most problematic behaviors at the moment are smoking pot, stealing and an underlying medical condition.</p><p>So, if I were you, I would make non negotiable : stealing, smoking pot and having medical care. It will be your three non negotiable conditions for your son to live at home. And you enforce <em>only</em> these three ones. </p><p>I won't lie because I have a father who abuses substances, it will be energy consuming to enforce these three rules. So keep the non negotiable short. </p><p>Give whatever consequences you think best <u>only for these three rules</u>. You will see the rent/chores.... after, because at the moment, <u>he needs to stop pot to stop stealing, so he needs care for mental health</u>. </p><p>If you think "and he has to help with chores/rent/bills, and he has to find himself a job, and he has to stop insults and curse....", it won't be manageable also for you. Because it will be too much to enforce at once. Keep the list small and enforce only the non negotiable behaviors. </p><p>So give consequences only for these three behaviors, it is the most important and the most urgent problem <u>now</u>. </p><p></p><p>In the mean time, when he curses, insults.... disengage. </p><p>Ignore him. Pretend you didn't see him, didn't hear him. </p><p>Don't answer, it will be rewarding <u>for him</u> and encourage him to continue. </p><p>Be careful with humor, as he may not respond well to this tactic, even. </p><p></p><p>Each time he lies, you reply by a non judgmental, matter of fact sentence "I know you did it". So you avoid the "no I didn't", "yes you did" situation. </p><p>However, be absolutely sure you are correct before stating it, otherwise it triggers lying. </p><p></p><p>After, when he will be solid on his recovery road, receiving medical care for his condition and for his abuse, you will be able to think about the chores/rent/job/school.... </p><p>And solving these problems will be easier for you. </p><p>But he needs to be stable first and foremost. </p><p></p><p>Mom uses these tactics. We were 5 years without proper diagnosis and proper treatment. So in the mean time, we had to find solutions. </p><p>These solutions didn't solve everything, it didn't make me "not a difficult child any more" like a magic bullet. However, it made and still makes home life livable for everyone, even for my mom. We still have to fine tune, but overall, life at home is livable (not perfect, but a pleasant life for both).</p><p>So even if I am still a difficult child, my difficult child-ish being is much more manageable now than it was without medical care and with traditional solutions (traditional solutions, so enforcing only consequences in the name of thought love, made the problems worse than they already were. So I am very careful about thought love strategies : use with caution). So we started to think about chores, help at home, studies, housing.... after the diagnosis, because it was not doable before. I was too debilitated and too sick for it. </p><p>It didn't happen overnight, but it happens and we are both happy. </p><p>Of course, my younger sister is easy child, but my sister is my sister and I am not my sister. </p><p>Of course, I didn't abuse substances, but I was very sick either. But hope exists. </p><p></p><p></p><p>Hang in there, there is hope. It won't be easy, but hope exists.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Giulia, post: 530900, member: 14306"] Hello, Ok, I am a difficult child myself, over 18 yo (so my mom is a parent emeritus too). What the others said is you didn't cause it, you can't cure it and you can't fix it. And in such a situation, life at home becomes unlivable for both of you, mother, son, and any other members. You can take steps to make life more manageable for everyone. It won't cure the problem, it won't make him without behavior problems. But it will make life at home livable for everyone. You have a huge Prevert's list of problems in your plate. Unfortunately, you cannot solve all of them at once. Remember, a difficult child-ish behavior didn't appear overnight, so it won't be fully manageable overnight either. It takes a lot of baby steps to get better. However, contrary to Star, I am careful with thought love. What made my difficult child-ish behavior manageable at home was taking everything one step at time. A difficult child-ish behavior is like black and white : he loves or he hates, he is lovely or nasty etc etc... Grey areas are nearly non existant in life, I needed a great deal of time to learn them. So you have to take account of it in order not to fuel the problems. You won't tackle all the problems at once. So do it one tiny tiny step at time. At the beginning, you separate your priorities. Otherwise, you will make the police all the time, and instead of solving the problem, you fuel the problem. At the beginning, you separate the issues in three : what is absolutely non negotiable, what is preferred and what would it be in the ideal world. I will put traffic lights colors in order to make them easier to retain (any objection from a mod ?). The [COLOR="#FF0000"][I]non negotiable[/I][/COLOR] rules are the rules you won't negotiate and enforce all the time. It is about health, safety and basic property. Keep it [i]short[/I], maximum three non negotiable rules at time. Consequences will apply only on these three non negotiable rules. You choose consequences only for these rules, and you forget the two other baskets at the moment. The [COLOR="#FF8C00"][I]preferred rules[/I][/COLOR] are what you prefer, but you won't put anyone in danger for it. For example, if he is oversensitive to clothing, naked body at home is unpleasant, but objectively, no one will be killed if he is naked in the corridor. I would say that they are unpleasant but harmless behaviors you will ignore at the moment. The [COLOR="#006400"][I]what would be the ideal world[/I][/COLOR] rules are what you would wish for your son in an ideal world. But since world is not perfect, fighting over it won't bring anything. Only separating the issues will spare you plenty of energy, so plenty of exhaustion. So, if we follow my reasoning, I see that the most problematic behaviors at the moment are smoking pot, stealing and an underlying medical condition. So, if I were you, I would make non negotiable : stealing, smoking pot and having medical care. It will be your three non negotiable conditions for your son to live at home. And you enforce [i]only[/i] these three ones. I won't lie because I have a father who abuses substances, it will be energy consuming to enforce these three rules. So keep the non negotiable short. Give whatever consequences you think best [U]only for these three rules[/U]. You will see the rent/chores.... after, because at the moment, [U]he needs to stop pot to stop stealing, so he needs care for mental health[/U]. If you think "and he has to help with chores/rent/bills, and he has to find himself a job, and he has to stop insults and curse....", it won't be manageable also for you. Because it will be too much to enforce at once. Keep the list small and enforce only the non negotiable behaviors. So give consequences only for these three behaviors, it is the most important and the most urgent problem [U]now[/U]. In the mean time, when he curses, insults.... disengage. Ignore him. Pretend you didn't see him, didn't hear him. Don't answer, it will be rewarding [U]for him[/U] and encourage him to continue. Be careful with humor, as he may not respond well to this tactic, even. Each time he lies, you reply by a non judgmental, matter of fact sentence "I know you did it". So you avoid the "no I didn't", "yes you did" situation. However, be absolutely sure you are correct before stating it, otherwise it triggers lying. After, when he will be solid on his recovery road, receiving medical care for his condition and for his abuse, you will be able to think about the chores/rent/job/school.... And solving these problems will be easier for you. But he needs to be stable first and foremost. Mom uses these tactics. We were 5 years without proper diagnosis and proper treatment. So in the mean time, we had to find solutions. These solutions didn't solve everything, it didn't make me "not a difficult child any more" like a magic bullet. However, it made and still makes home life livable for everyone, even for my mom. We still have to fine tune, but overall, life at home is livable (not perfect, but a pleasant life for both). So even if I am still a difficult child, my difficult child-ish being is much more manageable now than it was without medical care and with traditional solutions (traditional solutions, so enforcing only consequences in the name of thought love, made the problems worse than they already were. So I am very careful about thought love strategies : use with caution). So we started to think about chores, help at home, studies, housing.... after the diagnosis, because it was not doable before. I was too debilitated and too sick for it. It didn't happen overnight, but it happens and we are both happy. Of course, my younger sister is easy child, but my sister is my sister and I am not my sister. Of course, I didn't abuse substances, but I was very sick either. But hope exists. Hang in there, there is hope. It won't be easy, but hope exists. [/QUOTE]
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