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New here: need advice on what to do with 18 year old son
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<blockquote data-quote="Giulia" data-source="post: 531626" data-attributes="member: 14306"><p>I don't tell them that they <em>have</em> to do it. I say that other solutions can exist, and that kicking is not the only solution which exists.</p><p>But that other solutions exist, and that it is not compulsory to kick out just because everyone does it. </p><p></p><p>Also, it's not because these services exist that these services are right what the family needs/the child needs. It's not because these services are perfectly right for the person on the paper that they suit the person's need in the reality. </p><p>It's not because such a service exist that the family/person can get it, nor that it suits the person/family needs. </p><p>I have been there done that and more than once, I warn you against this mistake. It's déjà vu for me. </p><p></p><p>The right solution for the family is the solution which works for her. If it's a solution which worked for someone else but the same solution does not work for the family, then it's not the right solution <em><u>for the family</u></em>.</p><p>I wish it were simple as that, but to have been there done that, I know it's not simple as that. </p><p></p><p>Think also that this board forum is read not only in the States, but it can also be read from someone else outside the US, in countries that do lack such services. </p><p></p><p>If the person feels right to kick out, she can do it. If she feels wrong about it, she feels wrong about it and it is still respectable to think so. </p><p></p><p>The person has the right to feel wrong about kicking his child out without being considered as an irresponsible parent who disservices his child and who wants to baby his child. </p><p></p><p>Every family is different, every family walk in different shoes. So we have to give all the possible solutions to the parents, then it's up to the parents to choose which solution fits best for their child and <em>their situation</em>.</p><p></p><p>My feeling is that we have to give out all the existing possibilities to the person. Then, it's up for her to choose between all the existing solutions. </p><p>Exactly like a doctor who has to give all the possible options for treating a disease, then the patient has his word to say. After all, you would not accept that a doctor does not fully inform you about all available solutions for a problem X just because he has prejudices against a solution.</p><p>I react the same with a parent who comes desperate because of their child problem. I expect the same if I were in a similar situation, to be given all the possible options. Especially these I would never had thought about with my lonely brain. Then, I choose. </p><p></p><p>What I say is that kicking out is not the only available solution. Other solutions exist, and I have to tell them. </p><p>Since you know well the solution of kicking out a child, I let you give it, as I don't know this solution as well as you. You are the experts in this solution, I am not at all. So I let you the microphone for it.</p><p>In the mean time, I give all the info about the building a decent relationship at home with an adult child without babying the child, solution I know better. </p><p></p><p>So I have no problem with your advice of kicking out. It is what worked for you, it is what you feel best, you walked in these shoes. It's your absolute right. </p><p></p><p>My experience is not the same, and that kicking out is not the only solution for a similar problem. It is a possibility, but it's not a panacea (comes from Greek, means an universal solution).</p><p>Other solution exist, we can inform the person and then, we let her choose what she feels best. If she feels best about kicking out, no problem. If she feels best about keeping her child at home and continuing to try to help her, no problem. </p><p></p><p>If we can avoid the one size fits all, then let avoid the one size fits all. Administration are enough in such a pattern, let try to avoid it.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Giulia, post: 531626, member: 14306"] I don't tell them that they [I]have[/I] to do it. I say that other solutions can exist, and that kicking is not the only solution which exists. But that other solutions exist, and that it is not compulsory to kick out just because everyone does it. Also, it's not because these services exist that these services are right what the family needs/the child needs. It's not because these services are perfectly right for the person on the paper that they suit the person's need in the reality. It's not because such a service exist that the family/person can get it, nor that it suits the person/family needs. I have been there done that and more than once, I warn you against this mistake. It's déjà vu for me. The right solution for the family is the solution which works for her. If it's a solution which worked for someone else but the same solution does not work for the family, then it's not the right solution [I][U]for the family[/U][/I]. I wish it were simple as that, but to have been there done that, I know it's not simple as that. Think also that this board forum is read not only in the States, but it can also be read from someone else outside the US, in countries that do lack such services. If the person feels right to kick out, she can do it. If she feels wrong about it, she feels wrong about it and it is still respectable to think so. The person has the right to feel wrong about kicking his child out without being considered as an irresponsible parent who disservices his child and who wants to baby his child. Every family is different, every family walk in different shoes. So we have to give all the possible solutions to the parents, then it's up to the parents to choose which solution fits best for their child and [I]their situation[/I]. My feeling is that we have to give out all the existing possibilities to the person. Then, it's up for her to choose between all the existing solutions. Exactly like a doctor who has to give all the possible options for treating a disease, then the patient has his word to say. After all, you would not accept that a doctor does not fully inform you about all available solutions for a problem X just because he has prejudices against a solution. I react the same with a parent who comes desperate because of their child problem. I expect the same if I were in a similar situation, to be given all the possible options. Especially these I would never had thought about with my lonely brain. Then, I choose. What I say is that kicking out is not the only available solution. Other solutions exist, and I have to tell them. Since you know well the solution of kicking out a child, I let you give it, as I don't know this solution as well as you. You are the experts in this solution, I am not at all. So I let you the microphone for it. In the mean time, I give all the info about the building a decent relationship at home with an adult child without babying the child, solution I know better. So I have no problem with your advice of kicking out. It is what worked for you, it is what you feel best, you walked in these shoes. It's your absolute right. My experience is not the same, and that kicking out is not the only solution for a similar problem. It is a possibility, but it's not a panacea (comes from Greek, means an universal solution). Other solution exist, we can inform the person and then, we let her choose what she feels best. If she feels best about kicking out, no problem. If she feels best about keeping her child at home and continuing to try to help her, no problem. If we can avoid the one size fits all, then let avoid the one size fits all. Administration are enough in such a pattern, let try to avoid it. [/QUOTE]
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