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<blockquote data-quote="brdl1" data-source="post: 453818" data-attributes="member: 12643"><p>Thanks for your responses. First in regards to the college program - it is one of those programs that you cannot do at a community college - its very specialized. In fact, it has such a set courseload that you can't even step away from the program and do a semester somewhere else (unless its one of the 15 other schools or so in the country that offers this program) - and it's expensive, and full-time only. But luckily the money is the "easy" part in that his family can afford to pay - but of course no one likes throwing money away.</p><p></p><p>As to the violence question, aside from trying to grab his phone out of my hand and wrenching my arm in the process, he has never done anything violent to me. The walls of his old house on the other hand have been damaged several times, although that was awhile ago. As far as I know marijuana is his drug of choice - he doesn't seem to drink much and prefers to smoke. He has admitted he's doing that again - how frequently I don't know - and he also knows that I'm not okay with that. </p><p></p><p>He and I have talked about things numerous times and like I said while things are better for the most part, the core underlying issues don't seem to have gone away. Like I said, he is now more "responsible" about calling/letting me know what he's doing and for the most part (75% of the time or so) everything is fine, but he very much lives in the moment. So, if he's out with whomever and they want to do something and he thinks I will want him to come home if he calls me, he just doesn't call, or he will send some cryptic text so I know he's alive and then shows up when he wants.</p><p></p><p>I agree with those of you who said that if he wants school, he will likely do whatever it takes to get it (my Mom says this all the time) - but I also know that I was not that way (I was a very very troubled teen myself - drugs and everything that comes with them) and I just kind of flopped along through college and managed to graduate with not all that much effort (and my grades reflected that). With me I think I liked being able to say I was in college, for bragging rights or something moreso than really wanting to be there. I also think that I excused some of my really bad behavior by telling myself "hey, that's okay, at least you're still in college." It's not that way with him...I do believe that he wants to go or he quite frankly wouldn't be here at my house - he would be back with his friends. I've told him countless times that I'm not "keeping" him here, and he has nothing to gain by staying here aside from a place to sleep. He has even indicated that two of them really were trying to talk him into living with them but he wants to go do school and knows that living with them would be a bad idea. When I kicked him out he was apparently planing on moving out with his friends - he didn't want to be here and was plotting to leave. After 6 weeks of having to work for money for a place to stay, he claims to have realized how hard it is to make ends meet when you don't make much money, and he was insistent that he could go to school during that time but he then realized that he cannot qualify for student loans until he's 24 because his parents make too much money and the state considers you a "dependent" until you are 24 for fin purposes unless you meet a short list of exceptions. Once he figured that out, back he came. Basically, he knows right from wrong, and for the most part I think he's trying to do right...but there is this part of me that wonders if I'm not being masterfully BSed (although granted he really has never been that good at it - when things are really off track with him it's pretty easy to spot).</p><p></p><p>I really do think that he is hoping that somehow he can be the college student on the one hand, and the "cool" drug guy on the other - which of course we all know won't work. I just struggle with the idea that if he's not ready to give up the drug side of his life than he's not ready to move forward with positive things, and if he's not ready to move forward with positive things than maybe I'm just making the problem worse by letting him live here. I'm just not sure what to do with him - sometimes things look good, and other times things look really really bad - so I'm second guessing myself all the time (and the pressure I'm under from the rest of my family is rather immense as well, but that's my burden to bear and not his).</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="brdl1, post: 453818, member: 12643"] Thanks for your responses. First in regards to the college program - it is one of those programs that you cannot do at a community college - its very specialized. In fact, it has such a set courseload that you can't even step away from the program and do a semester somewhere else (unless its one of the 15 other schools or so in the country that offers this program) - and it's expensive, and full-time only. But luckily the money is the "easy" part in that his family can afford to pay - but of course no one likes throwing money away. As to the violence question, aside from trying to grab his phone out of my hand and wrenching my arm in the process, he has never done anything violent to me. The walls of his old house on the other hand have been damaged several times, although that was awhile ago. As far as I know marijuana is his drug of choice - he doesn't seem to drink much and prefers to smoke. He has admitted he's doing that again - how frequently I don't know - and he also knows that I'm not okay with that. He and I have talked about things numerous times and like I said while things are better for the most part, the core underlying issues don't seem to have gone away. Like I said, he is now more "responsible" about calling/letting me know what he's doing and for the most part (75% of the time or so) everything is fine, but he very much lives in the moment. So, if he's out with whomever and they want to do something and he thinks I will want him to come home if he calls me, he just doesn't call, or he will send some cryptic text so I know he's alive and then shows up when he wants. I agree with those of you who said that if he wants school, he will likely do whatever it takes to get it (my Mom says this all the time) - but I also know that I was not that way (I was a very very troubled teen myself - drugs and everything that comes with them) and I just kind of flopped along through college and managed to graduate with not all that much effort (and my grades reflected that). With me I think I liked being able to say I was in college, for bragging rights or something moreso than really wanting to be there. I also think that I excused some of my really bad behavior by telling myself "hey, that's okay, at least you're still in college." It's not that way with him...I do believe that he wants to go or he quite frankly wouldn't be here at my house - he would be back with his friends. I've told him countless times that I'm not "keeping" him here, and he has nothing to gain by staying here aside from a place to sleep. He has even indicated that two of them really were trying to talk him into living with them but he wants to go do school and knows that living with them would be a bad idea. When I kicked him out he was apparently planing on moving out with his friends - he didn't want to be here and was plotting to leave. After 6 weeks of having to work for money for a place to stay, he claims to have realized how hard it is to make ends meet when you don't make much money, and he was insistent that he could go to school during that time but he then realized that he cannot qualify for student loans until he's 24 because his parents make too much money and the state considers you a "dependent" until you are 24 for fin purposes unless you meet a short list of exceptions. Once he figured that out, back he came. Basically, he knows right from wrong, and for the most part I think he's trying to do right...but there is this part of me that wonders if I'm not being masterfully BSed (although granted he really has never been that good at it - when things are really off track with him it's pretty easy to spot). I really do think that he is hoping that somehow he can be the college student on the one hand, and the "cool" drug guy on the other - which of course we all know won't work. I just struggle with the idea that if he's not ready to give up the drug side of his life than he's not ready to move forward with positive things, and if he's not ready to move forward with positive things than maybe I'm just making the problem worse by letting him live here. I'm just not sure what to do with him - sometimes things look good, and other times things look really really bad - so I'm second guessing myself all the time (and the pressure I'm under from the rest of my family is rather immense as well, but that's my burden to bear and not his). [/QUOTE]
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