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New here. Need to vent, and looking for support.
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 395115" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Tiffany, hi there a nd welcome to the board.</p><p></p><p>Every foster child (we did foster care) has special needs. Almost all have serious behavioral problems and attachment issues are the rule of the day due to their early lack of bonding and mistreatment by adults. Most have lived in abusive situations where they were physically or sexually abused, severely neglected, and thrown around from one person to another. This is horrible for a developing child. They need to trust ONE caregiver who loves them or they do tend to believe that "Nobody else will look after me. I'd better look after me and the heck with everyone else."</p><p></p><p>Foster care is not for the faint of heart nor will you often get a sweet child who adores you for helping her out...they are usually hostile with tons of severe issues. If you want to make it easier on yourself, take in infants. They have issues too, but they are too young to, say, hit you or swear at you. I'm older now and am thinking of doing foster care again. Trust me, it will be infants only. It sounds like you are committed to these children. Expect a long and rocky road and a lot of "iffy" diagnoses. Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) usually goes along with other issues, such as fetal alcohol spectrum (hard to diagnose), sexual abuse issues, and the normal disorders such as ADHD and autistic spectrum and maybe a mood disorder. You need a great psychiatrist who will help you figure out your kids. Even a great psychiatrist will probably be baffled. These foster care kids are very puzzling due to the other factors such as drug and alcohol exposure in utero, physical and sexual abuse, and many caregivers or one caregiver who is abusive. </p><p></p><p>These kids often do not respond to regular parenting or common sense. They are simply too damaged. Some have organic brain damage due to birthmother's alcohol/drug abuse while pregnant. I have a friend who had a two year old who killed her chickens. This isn't that unusual. We had a foster child whom we actually adopted because he acted so "good" to us. He killed two of our dogs and sexually abused my youngest two kids. We had another child who had been sexually abused for three years in his prior foster home and had not told anybody about it until he told us. He didn't believe anyone would help him. He wet the bed every single night, a symptom of abuse. </p><p></p><p>I also went into foster care thinking, "I'll help an older child. They'll be easier." Haha. Not true. Whatever is wrong with your foster daughter, it is not likely to go away, especially if you have to work full time too and she is not with you all the time. We adopted one child out of foster care. He is on the autism spectrum due to his birthmother's drug/alcohol use in utero. His early years were full of severe behavioral issues. Although he outgrew them with a lot of work, he is 17 now and will need some assisted living probably his entire life.</p><p></p><p>Foster care is a jungle. It can be rewarding, but it's NOT in any way easy. Moreso, that you are doing it alone. Kudos to you. I could not have done it alone!</p><p></p><p>I hope you join a group of other foster parents for real life support. It is very helpful to get their feedback. It isn't he same as talking to mothers who have had their children from birth. Even if they have problems, at least they have been well cared for. In a foster care group, most of the parents are dealing with various degrees of Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) and they can share their methods and their professionals. Unfortunately, the state rarely gives you the option of the best doctors. (((Hugs))).</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 395115, member: 1550"] Tiffany, hi there a nd welcome to the board. Every foster child (we did foster care) has special needs. Almost all have serious behavioral problems and attachment issues are the rule of the day due to their early lack of bonding and mistreatment by adults. Most have lived in abusive situations where they were physically or sexually abused, severely neglected, and thrown around from one person to another. This is horrible for a developing child. They need to trust ONE caregiver who loves them or they do tend to believe that "Nobody else will look after me. I'd better look after me and the heck with everyone else." Foster care is not for the faint of heart nor will you often get a sweet child who adores you for helping her out...they are usually hostile with tons of severe issues. If you want to make it easier on yourself, take in infants. They have issues too, but they are too young to, say, hit you or swear at you. I'm older now and am thinking of doing foster care again. Trust me, it will be infants only. It sounds like you are committed to these children. Expect a long and rocky road and a lot of "iffy" diagnoses. Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) usually goes along with other issues, such as fetal alcohol spectrum (hard to diagnose), sexual abuse issues, and the normal disorders such as ADHD and autistic spectrum and maybe a mood disorder. You need a great psychiatrist who will help you figure out your kids. Even a great psychiatrist will probably be baffled. These foster care kids are very puzzling due to the other factors such as drug and alcohol exposure in utero, physical and sexual abuse, and many caregivers or one caregiver who is abusive. These kids often do not respond to regular parenting or common sense. They are simply too damaged. Some have organic brain damage due to birthmother's alcohol/drug abuse while pregnant. I have a friend who had a two year old who killed her chickens. This isn't that unusual. We had a foster child whom we actually adopted because he acted so "good" to us. He killed two of our dogs and sexually abused my youngest two kids. We had another child who had been sexually abused for three years in his prior foster home and had not told anybody about it until he told us. He didn't believe anyone would help him. He wet the bed every single night, a symptom of abuse. I also went into foster care thinking, "I'll help an older child. They'll be easier." Haha. Not true. Whatever is wrong with your foster daughter, it is not likely to go away, especially if you have to work full time too and she is not with you all the time. We adopted one child out of foster care. He is on the autism spectrum due to his birthmother's drug/alcohol use in utero. His early years were full of severe behavioral issues. Although he outgrew them with a lot of work, he is 17 now and will need some assisted living probably his entire life. Foster care is a jungle. It can be rewarding, but it's NOT in any way easy. Moreso, that you are doing it alone. Kudos to you. I could not have done it alone! I hope you join a group of other foster parents for real life support. It is very helpful to get their feedback. It isn't he same as talking to mothers who have had their children from birth. Even if they have problems, at least they have been well cared for. In a foster care group, most of the parents are dealing with various degrees of Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) and they can share their methods and their professionals. Unfortunately, the state rarely gives you the option of the best doctors. (((Hugs))). [/QUOTE]
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