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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 641312" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>KM just read your post and this thread and wanted you to know that you are at the right place and we understand. Most of us have been through very similar experiences with our own precious difficult children. Whether it's addiction or another untreated mental illness many of the behaviors, thinking and actions are the same. It is devastating to families. Over the years, I believe we have two ways to go. We can either keep on doing what we started out doing which was everything under the shining sun to "help". Time goes by and many of us begin to see that none of our "helping" has changed one single thing----in fact in most cases things continue to get worse. At that point many of us start learning how to stop. It takes a lot of work to learn how to stop and it takes a lot of time and we still often slip and do the same things we used to do as we learn a whole new way ourselves of thinking and behaving. Our feelings continue to hurt very much during this time---often much worse than before---because stopping "helping" someone we love so very much is the hardest thing we will ever do in our lives. It turns our whole value system upside down. If we can continue walking this path---sometimes inch by inch---we will walk into a new country where our lives start to get better, even though often our adult child's life continues to get worse. And there is much we can learn here about ourselves and we often grow in unimaginable ways. The hardest thing is to keep on even when our grief and guilt and pain and anger is at its worst. We have to learn to feel our feelings but not act on them and for most of us this is brand new territory. </p><p></p><p>Please know this sea change in your own life is worth it. Maybe just maybe you will over time see your difficult child start to change once you completely get out of the way. And maybe not. And I am not talking about cutting him off and out of your life---I am talking about stopping the "help." </p><p></p><p>Keep coming back KM. You are not the problem here. Please work to unload your guilt and accept yourself---past and present---as a person who did the best she could and made mistakes but in no way is the catalyst of this type of behavior. </p><p></p><p>Warm hugs tonight. We are here for you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 641312, member: 17542"] KM just read your post and this thread and wanted you to know that you are at the right place and we understand. Most of us have been through very similar experiences with our own precious difficult children. Whether it's addiction or another untreated mental illness many of the behaviors, thinking and actions are the same. It is devastating to families. Over the years, I believe we have two ways to go. We can either keep on doing what we started out doing which was everything under the shining sun to "help". Time goes by and many of us begin to see that none of our "helping" has changed one single thing----in fact in most cases things continue to get worse. At that point many of us start learning how to stop. It takes a lot of work to learn how to stop and it takes a lot of time and we still often slip and do the same things we used to do as we learn a whole new way ourselves of thinking and behaving. Our feelings continue to hurt very much during this time---often much worse than before---because stopping "helping" someone we love so very much is the hardest thing we will ever do in our lives. It turns our whole value system upside down. If we can continue walking this path---sometimes inch by inch---we will walk into a new country where our lives start to get better, even though often our adult child's life continues to get worse. And there is much we can learn here about ourselves and we often grow in unimaginable ways. The hardest thing is to keep on even when our grief and guilt and pain and anger is at its worst. We have to learn to feel our feelings but not act on them and for most of us this is brand new territory. Please know this sea change in your own life is worth it. Maybe just maybe you will over time see your difficult child start to change once you completely get out of the way. And maybe not. And I am not talking about cutting him off and out of your life---I am talking about stopping the "help." Keep coming back KM. You are not the problem here. Please work to unload your guilt and accept yourself---past and present---as a person who did the best she could and made mistakes but in no way is the catalyst of this type of behavior. Warm hugs tonight. We are here for you. [/QUOTE]
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