new here...sad, tired, frustrated...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by heatherbug123, Feb 2, 2010.

  1. heatherbug123

    heatherbug123 New Member

    My name is Heather. I'm 30, newly married and the mother of a daughter who will be 12 this month.
    It seems like from the very beginning, my daugher has been so very hard to control. If there was a harder way to do whatever it was that needed done, she would find the hardest way to do it. Everything is a fight. She's failing every class in school. I can't get her to do a single chore without a fight. Her self esteem is non exsistent...she's 160lbs and sneaks food at night and eats twice as much as me at meals. She's a bully to some other children...while being afraid of others and taking bullying from them.
    I just feel like for 12 years this has been an aweful experience.
    My new husband wants so desperately to have a baby of our own, but I am so afraid of going through this hell again. I obviously am no good at being a parent or the child I have wouldn't be so screwed up.
    I'm just at a loss. How do you fix lazy? How do you grow self esteem? How do you make a 6th grader bring home and do her school work? How do you make them try on a test instead of sitting there drawing pictures in all the margins? How do I make her care at all about anything??
    .....and how do I get through a day without crying?
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi, Heather. I truly, truly, truly don't think you are bad parent. Some kids are born wired differently and they can be very hard to parent. Please don't be hard on yourself. Is her bio. father in the picture? If not, he still is...she has 50% of his genes and, if he was troubled, she may have inherited something. I have a few questions to ask that will help us help you.

    1/Are there any psychiatric problems on either side of her family genetic tree, including her biological father's family and your family and anyone related to either of you genetically. Are there issues of substance abuse on either side? Substance abuse can be a red flag that the abuser has some disorder...a mood disorder or Aspergers or other things.

    2/How were your daughter's early milestones? Did she walk and talk on time? Did she make (and does she still make) good eye contact with her peers and with you? Will she willingly look people in the eyes? Did she ever have a speech delay or a problem having a give-and-take conversation. On the flip side, did she read early, have an early interest in letters and numbers, have a GREAT rote memory, and/or sound like a "little profressor when she spoke?" Does she now? Does she understand how to socialize with her same age peers? Does she monologue at them? Does she have any specific interest that is unusual to be so focused on? Does she ever seem as if she is in her own world and, then, at other times (mostly when she is comfortable) seem like she is just fine, puzzling you?

    Many of us on this site feel that a neuropsychologist is the best diagnostician. You may want to take her to see one before the terrible teens kick in. They do a different sort of testing that can last 6-10 hours and they often catch things that therapists and even psychiatrists tend to miss. I highly recommend seeing a good one. They can be found at university hospitals. in my opinion they are worth the trip.

    I hope you like the site. Sorry you had to come. Other people will jump in and give their advice. You may want to do a signature like the one I have below. How does your hub deal with your daughter? Does he understand her? Does she have a good relationship with him? Does he have any kids?

    You may want to hold off on that baby until you know more about your daughter. I agree with you. It's best to wait. You're still pretty young.
     
  3. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hi Heather,

    Glad you have found your way here with us.

    You know, babies don't come with a manual. Parenting is tough and sometimes we need to use our lifeline. Here's your lifeline time....

    What type of counselor is your daughter seeing? Usually, not always, ODD is a kind of blanket diagnosis given to a set of behaviors that don't fit within a particular category, or a diagnosis when a doctor is not experienced in dealing with the, often very complicated, issues that these kids deal with.

    Beginning couseling is just that, a beginning.

    How does the school deal with your daughter? Has she had behavior issues at school? Has she ever been referred for a child study or IEP evaluation? I believe, were I in your shoes, that I would get a recommendation from your pediatrician for a pediatric psychiatrist or a pediatric neuropsychiatrist. You are going to want them to due a full evaluation on your daughter. It may take some time to get an appointment.

    In the meantime, I would suggest the book, "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. It's kinda like the board bible!

    Again, I'm glad you've found your way to us.

    Sharon
     
  4. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Adding in my welcome. Glad you found us; sorry you needed to. You will find much support here. Having a difficult to parent child doesn't make you a bad parent. Looking forward to getting to know you better.
     
  5. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    "Children do well, if they can." -- Ross Greene, author of The Explosive Child

    I highly doubt that bad parenting has caused the problems your daughter is having today. It's very easy for parents to blame themselves for shortcomings in their children -- afterall, we are taught to expect to be in control of everything from the moment they arrive!

    Sounds like you are on your way to finding out exactly what the issues are with your daughter and then hopefully setting up the supports to best help her succeed. The journey will take time and a lot of patience. Meanwhile, best go easy on yourself, keep an open mind, and come here frequently for support and encouragement!
     
  6. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Heather, many hugs. I understand. I've been there.
     
  7. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Wow - I think I wrote the same post when I got here. My difficult child is just like that. Including the sneaking food.
    I really am sorry, but even though I have lived it for 18 years now, I have no quick fixes for you. I can tell you that time did make things better. Once they get older they own more of their decisions and while difficult to watch them continue to take the harder road, there is not much we can do.

    At 12, I took some hard lines about very few things. When I caught her abusing the internet, I took it away from her for many years. I think 4 years. I could not fight the school battles anymore. But, I did get her an IEP and worked with the teachers to help them understand her so they could be more helpful to her than me.
    I really did let go of some of my parenting beliefs. I had to for survival. So what if she did not shower for a week? Was that really MY problem? Well, it was if she tried to sit on the couch, but at least I could tell her she was not allowed until she showered. Sometimes it got it done, most times she stomped off in a huff. I figured if she smelled at school she would eventually shower. Nope. It took years.

    Then she revealed that most things she did not do BECAUSE I told her to do them. Or I suggested it to her. It did not matter if she really wanted to do it, but because I had voiced an opinion she stiffened up and refused. And you could say that to just about every aspect of life. Including saying she hated my favorite pizza so she could argue about getting pizza there - she told my mom she loved that pizza.

    Now that she is 18, I don't care anymore if she stiffens up. It is her loss, not mine.
    She recently told me she has not tried to get a job for the last 2 years because I told her she should get one. By the way, she gets a car - yes a car free and clear (a 2001) - if she gets a job. Nope. Not even looking yet. Just because I told her to. She recently said during a job discussion, 'you just want to control me and that is why you want me to get a job.' I thought for a minute and calmly said, 'how does your getting a job help me? IN fact, it hurts me because I will have to have a car payment.' She stomped off. too much logic I guess!

    Sorry for just giving you my tale, but I felt it was important to say.
     
  8. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Wanted to add my welcome. Bad parenting likely doesn't come into play. More likely you're dealing with some learning disorder, emotional disorder or mental illness. A complete evaluation should be considered.

    As for your daughter's need to control every situation, I agree with Busy, some kids are just hard wired that way. My difficult child wm, for instance.

    It's up to your difficult child to pass or fail at school; other than an IEP to help your daughter, I would leave school issues as a natural consequence. You set up a time & place to do homework & then it's up to her. Let school know what you're doing & why.

    Is your difficult child on her way to an eating disorder? The need to eat continually suggests low self esteem, boredom, etc.

    Over the years I've learned to give the tweedles choices I could live with. Shower or bath. Cereal or toast. I started out small & worked my way up. For years I never said the word no - if asked for a snack I'd reply "yes, after dinner". "Bike ride? - Yes, after chores are complete or homework is done." See where I'm going here?

    Please keep us updated with how the counseling is going.


     
  9. heatherbug123

    heatherbug123 New Member

    Thank you for all the wonderful replies. Let me try and answer some of your questions...

    Is her bio. father in the picture? If not, he still is...she has 50% of his genes and, if he was troubled, she may have inherited something. no not at all. i had her at 18 and her bio dad was 21, smoked pot constantly, refused to work, sold drugs and is still exactly that way to this day 12 years later.
    /Are there any psychiatric problems on either side of her family genetic tree, including her biological father's family and your family and anyone related to either of you genetically. Are there issues of substance abuse on either side? Substance abuse can be a red flag that the abuser has some disorder...a mood disorder or Aspergers or other things. i do not know about psyc problems on her bio dads side of the family. i never met anything but immediate relatives and they all seemed fine. he has always been a very regular pot smoker and still is. i smoked pot a lot as a teenager but never addicted and there is no drug use now. my family my have depression running thru it as most of us at some point can claim being on zoloft or something similar including myself.
    2/How were your daughter's early milestones? Did she walk and talk on time?madison was walking at 10 months. i remember at one year old making a list of about 25 words that she spoke clearly and used in proper context. i thought she was very intelligent, but there was also what seemed to be spite in some of the things she did. i remember her at 2 years old getting angry at me for something, walking over to my desk and picking up my glasses, looked me dead in my eye and snapped them in half..dropped them...and then walked off. i thought i was crazy but it seemed so....evil. Did she make (and does she still make) good eye contact with her peers and with you? Will she willingly look people in the eyes?she'll make great eye contact if she's talking about something she wants to talk about. if you're talking to her about something like discipline or school work, no she will not look at me. Did she ever have a speech delay or a problem having a give-and-take conversation.no On the flip side, did she read early, have an early interest in letters and numbers, have a GREAT rote memory, and/or sound like a "little profressor when she spoke?" Does she now?she didn't and doesn't have an interest in learning, but she seems to know so much. she got tested for the gifted program in math and got the highest score in her class, but yet she's failing math. her science teacher told me she had no clue madison had heard anything in his class because she never did any work...but come time for semester final, she gets a B. it's like she absorbs things by osmosis. Does she understand how to socialize with her same age peers?she does, but it doesn't seem like her bonds are close. it's a lot of playing and silliness, but not real bonded friendships at all. Does she monologue at them? Does she have any specific interest that is unusual to be so focused on?she drawn constantly. that is her only interest...drawing that japanese manga...and she is amazingly good at it. Does she ever seem as if she is in her own world and, then, at other times (mostly when she is comfortable) seem like she is just fine, puzzling you? she is always in what i call "madison-land". for as long as i can remember she'd bump into people while shopping because she was off in space...i can ask her to do something and by the time she gets up to do it, she's forgotten what i said. when she's in a good mood and wanting to do something though, she's right on top of things.
    How does your hub deal with your daughter? Does he understand her? Does she have a good relationship with him? Does he have any kids?
    he does not understand her at all. he thinks i just need to "put my foot in her ass" is his words...he thinks i'm too lenient on her but he doesn't understand how tiring it is to fight with her to do anything all the time. they have a good relationship when she is being good, but she smart mouths him, argues with him, calls him retarded, slams doors when he tells her to do something. he has a son that is 10, but he lives a couple hours away so we do not see him very often.

    some of the other things you guys touched on.....schools have been frustrated with madison from day one. she has had an IEP but it seems like all the teachers were full of initiative for the 3 months after that meeting, but it's tapered off now. she's scraped by every grade thus far by the skin of her nose. she's failed both quarters thus far and is failing this current one now in 6th grade. if she looks at her work, doesn't understand it immediately, she will shut down..refuse to do it..and begin drawing.
    she has acted out sexually since as young as 3...i remember going in her room and catching her naked and rubbing a stuffed animal between her legs. she told me that it felt good. i caught her several times after that doing something similar. i've caught her probably 4 times in the last 2 years looking at porn on the internet. "gay boys" or "people doing it" were typed in search engines.
    she is just now starting to see a child psychiatrist i believe is the mans title. he comes to our pediatricians office once a week and he's from a group of doctors who have a place called "Positive Outcomes"...they help a variety of trouble kids...a lot of court ordered stuff i think too.
    I hope I've covered everything. I'm going to ask the Dr. about an evaluation that you all mentioned below. I think I remember him mentioning something like that, but it was going to cost me like $500 so I couldn't do it right away.
     
  10. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Just wanted to add my welcome. Also I would suggest that you not use proper name in your posts as there is a "protection" that comes with not providing specific information. It frees you to express yourself without fear that some outsider might gain personal information. This is the only place in the world where many of us feel free to say exactly what we feel and share exactly what is happening with-o concerns about privacy. From personal experience I can warm you that many of our difficult children access the site and read information that isn't meant for them.

    Does your difficult child (Gift from God...our way of identifying our children on the Board) have any outside activities or any interest in developing any? My youngest difficult child, by the way, was also into Anime (sp?) and found web sites to foster that interest. It takes alot to surprise me, after almost fifty years of parenting, but his contacts via that web site were very graphically sexual and needed monitoring.

    Glad you found us. This is a great and diverse group of caring parents. DDD
     
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