New here -- scared and sad

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by teatime, May 7, 2012.

  1. teatime

    teatime New Member

    Hi all,
    I found this forum/group when I did a search for resources on dealing with my adult son. I apologize in advance because this is going to be long. I'm at my wits' end, and I am very much alone in this. I haven't confided in anyone because I'm so embarrassed by how bad he's gone.

    My son was diagnosed with ADHD and depression when he was a child. He's long had issues with impulsivity; in adolescence, he also had problems with anger, lying, stealing, motivation and laziness. Up until the fifth grade, he was an excellent student and a really good kid. He was polite, helpful and active in school and church activities. He did struggle to control his impulses and control his emotions but he was still successful in school and well-liked. When puberty hit, however, everything changed. He became secretive, surly, lazy, and antisocial. He spent his days holed up in his room. I tried everything to get him to open up and become involved in things but he refused.

    If it wasn't for the fact that he is very intelligent and could get good grades with minimal effort, he wouldn't have graduated from high school. He almost didn't because he skipped school a lot in his senior year, unbeknownst to me. When I became aware of the situation, I met with his school counselor and the only real option was for him to leave traditional high school, complete the only two classes he had remaining to finish high school at a learning center, and graduate early. Because of his previous good grades and high SAT scores, he had gotten early acceptance to university, anyway.

    He assured me that he wanted to go to university, was motivated, and would succeed there. He said he was bored in high school and that's why he slacked. I believed him. I was that way -- I hated high school and thrived at university. When we went to freshman orientation, he was very excited to be there and when he took some CLEP exams, he placed out of College Composition I and II and the basic Math requirements. I really thought he was on his way!

    To make a very long story much shorter, he struggled in school but I had no idea what was going on because parents only get information when bills are due. The students have to agree to share academic and other info. Mine wouldn't. He told me what he wanted and a whole lot of lies. Some semesters he didn't even enroll. I had no clue because, at that point, financial aid was paying for his tuition and he was supposed to be working part-time to pay his share of the living expenses at the place he and other students rented. He told me about jobs he had and promotions he supposedly got. He made up most of it.

    Within the past year or so, everything has come crashing down and the lies caught up with him. He lost his car, most of his possessions, his girlfriend, and his college career. His student loans came due when he took time off and he couldn't keep up with the payments so now he can't go to school. I thought he was working but that turned out to be a lie and the friends with whom he was living kicked him out because he wasn't paying his share. He doesn't drink but he seems to have picked up a pot habit. He had nowhere to go and when he told me the truth of the past couple of years, I was ashamed that he was living off other people. I think it's my job as his parent to get him back on the right track. He has been very depressed and expressed suicidal thoughts and tendencies. I've been very worried.

    He's been living with me for a couple of months and it's not going well. He says he's applied for jobs and I believe him but he hasn't found a steady job. I'm disabled by severe health problems and live on a very fixed income. I told him when he came home that he would have to help out with food, utilities and gas for the car. He's doing some odd jobs and making about $70 per week but when I tell him that he needs to put gas in the car and buy some food, he screams at me. This isn't right or fair -- I've had to pawn jewelry just to buy food and gas because he eats most of the food in the house and uses my car all of the time. I just can't take this stress!

    I'm very worried that without a degree he's not going to find a decent job. Shoot, I'm worried that he won't be able to get ANY job because he has a police record from when he was at school and got picked up for two alcohol-related offenses. That was three years ago but they'll always be on his record, I'm guessing. It's not going to help his job search and I don't know how much it will hurt. It also doesn't help that he hasn't worked steady for at least two years. For all of these years, I have given him job leads, encouragement and advice, thinking he was doing well. I had no idea he was quitting jobs and lying. I'm concerned now that he may be sneaking off and smoking pot so he won't pass drug screenings for employment.

    He is very intelligent and has some very good qualities. I don't know why he has refused to work. His father died when he was young and I worked hard to support him. I continued my education while working and managed everything, so he had a good example and work ethic right in front of him. When his father was diagnosed with terminal cancer, I put him in grief counseling which continued after his father's death. I raised him with excellent values and made sure he had a good moral foundation. So it absolutely kills me that he is unmotivated, surly and uncaring.

    I deal with health problems and physical pain every day and honestly don't know how long I'll be able to live in my own home or even live. So the stress and sadness he's brought haven't helped. When I told him that he needs to help out with expenses, he told me that I need to have my disability increased or find something I can do to bring in more money. He even said he would like to sell my pain medication to bring in money and when I absolutely forbid it on moral and legal grounds, he told me he doesn't understand why I have values because they don't do me any good. I can't believe that my own son is so callous that he wants to sell my pain pills and scoffs at my values. Now I keep my pain pills under lock and key so he doesn't take them!

    It breaks my heart that my son would prefer for his mother to be in pain and to sell her pain pills illegally than for him to work. I'm afraid of what he may be capable of doing if I had him removed from my home. If he is willing to sell my medications for quick money, might he also injure or, God forbid, kill me so he can take my things and sell them? I want more than anything to help him get on the right track and live a good, productive life. How do I do that?

    Thanks for reading and letting me vent!
  2. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member


    I'm so sorry that your situation is so dire. I'm also new here but would still like to offer my welcome. I have read enough of these forums to know there are many wise people here, who have gone through it all and are kind enough to offer their ideas and thoughts.

    To me it sounds that it would be urgent for you to get your son out of your house. He may be a safety risk for you and lifestyle living with you enables him to live with is not doing him any favours either. I don't know which kind of legal matters and restrictions there may be in your area to do so, but others are probably wiser with that too. I also don't know what kind of resources you may have to help in this. Maybe social workers, domestic violence prevention organizations or diakonia (or what word you use for the social work Churches do?) could help? Or is there possibility for free legal aide for you in the matter? I really don't know what kind of resources there may be available in your area, but I think you should try to find out. While it is very possible, that your son is just being sulky and lashing out with his talk about selling your pain medications, your disability may put you to so prone situation that it is better not even give him a chance to try to bully you to get your medications.

    Your son is clearly able to work, he will be able to find work (and I'm sure few alcohol related marks don't prevent that) and if he chooses, he is able to keep the work and work his way to the position, where he will be able to go back to school if he chooses and finish it and get better work. He is smart and I assume able bodied. He was able to muddle through several years in different town of yours. He will be able to do it now, if he chooses. Giving him a chance not doing it, is not helping him at all, just teaching him more bad habits. And if he finds muddling through too hard? Well, then he has a motivation to do something to his life. He is smart, that is a very good resource to have and can be taken to use when he decides he has been loitering enough. Until that he should be loitering on his own dime.

    I also have a smart and talented son who struggles and with whom the school has been a nightmare. He luckily is very focused with his sport and currently doing well enough. But I can very much empathize your situation.
  3. teatime

    teatime New Member

    Thank you, Susi. I've kept this all to myself pretty much because it seems like people blame the parents when the kid goes astray. So many people don't understand. Heck, I don't understand it, either! I think he needs mental health care. I took him to a counselor when he was younger but once they turn 18, you can't force them to get help! Plus, I can't cover him under my insurance. He needs a job with good benefits and that's getting harder to find.
  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome to the board Teatime but I am so sorry you had to find us in this sad situation. I am not sure where you are or what age your son is but I am going to assume you are in the US and your son is in his late teens or early 20's. Honey, I am going to be completely frank with you here and tell you how I see it. You need to put your son out.

    You say you believe it is your parental responsibility to take care of him now because he has messed up in college. Its not. Your responsibility ended when he turned 18. Now its up to him. You actually went out of your way to get him into college. That was nice of you and he threw it away. Now he has to figure it out on his own.

    I am also disabled by some severe physical pain conditions and when my son was under age he tried that stealing my pain medication thing. I had to lock them up too. That isnt a fun thing to go through. Unfortunately for me, mine was still under 18 and I had to put up with him. Thankfully he has grown out of it due to a run in with the law where he learned he didnt like what happened when you got a few felonies on his record. Especially thanks to good old mom and learning she finally found her backbone.

    If I was in your place I would contact a domestic violence center immediately because what he is doing to you is domestic violence. Do not think it isnt. They will help you with getting him out. The next time he so much as raises his voice to you or threatens you or breaks something of the cops and press charges and have an order of protection put against him. Dont worry a bit about where he goes. That is his problem. He is well old enough to find his own place. Any construction company would hire him no matter what his record is and he could get work. My son works in construction and he doesnt even have a HS diploma.
  5. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    Hi Teatime,
    Welcome. I'm so sorry for the obvious anguish you're experiencing.

    I will share my observations based on your post. There is nothing you should be ashamed of or feel responsible for as far as your son's present behavior is concerned. You did everything you possibly could to help him, encourage him, and give him an example of bravery and responsibility in the face of many challenges. It feels like he is betraying you, despite all your sacrifice, and that is such a heartbreak. Many of us on the substance abuse forum have been through similar experiences.
    If nothing changes, he will exploit you for the rest of your life, and you will live in fear and despair. Wasting his intelligence on odd jobs for $70/wk is not contributing to your situation, and he either can't or won't get motivated to help. His thinking is obviously skewed, because he would be willing to break the law to sell your pain medication, and trust me, he would keep the money and use it for his own nefarious purposes.
    Your only option is either to move out, or get him to move out. Social services or a domestic violence evaluation will help. We don't know where you live, but different states have different laws about eviction, etc. Since he's using drugs, he's breaking the law and you have the right and the privilege of living safely in your home. If you are that fearful, is there any relative you could move in with, even temporarily to get away from him?
  6. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    Welcome. You've found a place where people understand the strange world of having an adult difficult child. I was on paid medications a while back and I, like others, kept them locked up. I know my difficult child would have stolen them - probably in her case for personal use, but locking them up kept that from happening.

    Like your son, my daughter is a bright underachiever. It is very hard to watch but, once they are adults, we have to accept that their livestyle choices are their own.

    I would suggest making home a little less attractive for him. You can charge rent -even a nominal amount - and/or present him wih a list of chores that you expect him to complete. When my daughter dropped out of college and was living here and unemployed, I actually made her work 9-5 around the house and in the yard. She got a got real quick! As to the car, it is perfectly reasonalbe of you to expect him to pitch in for gas. Stick to your guns and don't let his screaming wear you down.

    You'll find a lot of wisdom here. Do a lot of reading and y ou'll find the suport you need.
  7. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Welcome to the board Teatime.

    It's time for your son to leave the nest and make his own way in the world.

    Human beings, some more than others, learn by the mistakes they make and the natural consequences that follow. If he is out in the world and chooses not to work he will have no where to live and nothing to eat. That is usually enough motivation for someone to find a job and keep it. He may have to trip, stumble, and fall many times before those life lessons stick......but in my opinion that is not such a bad thing. It's hard to watch for the parent, for sure, but some people just seem to have to learn the hard way.

    Your son being at home is stressful to you in too many ways. He simply should not be there. Sometimes due to situations beyond our control, be it income level, health, or a wide variety of other things, parents just aren't able to help their grown kids. You've put in a lifetime teaching him what he needed to know to succeed in the adult world. It's now up to him to take that knowledge and use it. His choices as an adult, are not your choices and no reflection on you.

    I would set a Move Out date, and tell him in no uncertain terms he will be out by that date, so he'd better be working and have all his ducks in a row by then.

  8. gottaloveem

    gottaloveem Active Member

    I'm sorry your adult son is causing much grief and sadness for you.
    You have come to the right place. The moms here have dealt with just about every parenting nightmare out there, me included.
    Sometimes the right thing to do is the most difficult thing to do.
    He isn't going to want to improve his life until he feels it is necessary.
    You must think of your own health, it sounds like having him home is not helping him or yourself.

    I'm glad you are reaching out here, you will find non judgmental advice. You will learn to be tough and it sounds like
    you need to toughen up on him.

    We will help you through it.

  9. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Hello and welcome. I agree that it is time for your son to get the boot. Drugs change a person and pot is notorious for making users unmotivated. My son started using it before he was 18 and it ws a nightmare of one bad decision after another. At 18 he stepped up his use and added other drugs. He was nasty beligerant and unmotivated. He was also looking at jailtime for theft. I was trying to get him into a court ordered program when he attacked me and broke bones. He has never lived under my roof since. Like you I could not fathom how one of my kids could go so wrong when he was raised so right. He has brought much disgrace on our family name and while we still love him we are ashamed of things he has done.

    So know that I understand your turmoil when I tell you that it is time to protect yourself and evict your son from your home. I would call a domestic violence hotline in your area for ideas on how to remain safe during this process. -RM
  10. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Hi Teatime -

    Welcome to the Board, and the family. First of all - You'd have to know after coming here and seeing that there are SO many members and so many wonderful parents giving advice (Men and Women) that you are NOT alone in this. There are thousands upon thousands of parents struggling, unknowing, frustrated, scared, angry - bitter...with similar, same, and nearly exact situations as yours. One of the best things about this site when I first came here years and years ago was seeing that I didn't have the only son that acted out, or behaved like a monkey on fire. In a way it was sad, but in others? It was actually calming. Kinda like I found my group of people in the dessert and was accepted not rejected. I could tell them anything - and not get raised eyebrows or furled foreheads. No one was judgemental - not in this world. And if they were? It was because they had my back - in a loving way - a caring way -with MY best interests and actually -my sons too.

    Me saying the words - THROW HIM OUT - come off as pretty harsh. It's your son we're talking about here. Your baby, the child you know, you love and you see things in him that the rest of the world never will. Never has. So I say "Throw him out." and immediately you get a twinge of defensiveness. (shrugs) Natural - and actually - It's normal, and probably a good reaction because a good Mom will always in her heart stick up for her child. You see the side of him also that is not who YOU know him to be. The lying, stealing, drug doing, loafer. It's puzzling and while you can't put your finger on it? You've tried to motivate him and NOTHING has worked. Well this (as they say) is the proverbial end of the line. This IS (throwing him out) where the rubber meets the road and he finally gets to see (and you too) what you've been preparing him for ALL.HIS.LIFE. Whether either of you know it or not. Is it unfortunate that it happens to go like this? Well of course. This isnt' how you had it pictured in your head when he was a baby, a toddler - as you watched him go through school.....Lord none of us pictured this - but we kept readjusting our dreams and our hopes - and well? (scratches head- exhales hard) IT is what it is and now it's time for him to get out, grow up and see how good he HAS had it.

    It's not going to be easy on you most of all. Why? Oh well because you'll worry - he won't call, when he does he'll talk about killing himself, and starving, and junk like that - to get your goat. And you'll fall for it if you don't get some therapy or detach. And is there a chance that he really will commit suicide? Well you know - there's a chance that he could live WITH you and do that. There's a chance that he could drink himself to death with friends, or smoke some laced pot - and commit suicide. So yes, there's always that chance in every day life that any of us could choose to do that - whether we live at home or out in the world. That is a choice that only we have with ourself and if it comes to that? It will be his choice - as much as choosing to get a job, live by your rules, not yell at you, go to school - obey their rules. He had choices to go to therapy - and all that ---and CHOOSE not to. You were there - you tried to help - that was YOUR choice. His choice was to blow it all off. NOW his choice is to get out and live life the best way he can and leave you alone and fend for himself and GROW UP.

    The things he's angry about? Have little to do with you. He's been angry for a long, long time. I'm not an expert - but I would say it has a lot to do with loosing his Dad. Not understanding any of it "REALLY" or maybe it has nothing to do with that and there was a life event around 5th grade that he's never shared and he needs to talk it out with someone. Hard to tell - but point being - there IS free counseling available - and there ARE places for him to stay, and there IS work - day labor like janet said - with or without diploma.

    The advice the others gave you about calling a Domestic Violence shelter and getting some information is excellent - I would call anonymously and see what they tell you. Stress will decline your health quicker than anything - and when you're gone? Just how do you expect your son to manage? IF he's not grown up enough to take care and fend for himself? He hasn't thought about that. I mean not to be blunt but if you're dead you're not going to have any pills to sell - He needs to let you be - go live his life - get his mess straightened out - and YOU need to allow that to happen. And also - talk to someone about how that makes you feel because YOU have been an excellent Mother - it doesn't stop just because he's out of the house you're still his Mom.....just from a distance maybe -----but you're still going to need help to cope with this and if you're private and have no one - (like I did ) you have need a therapist.....and if you do what they tell you - eventually -= give it a couple years - or less? He'll come around.

    Sounds harsh - but he's been since 5th grade in the making - going to take some time to undo his line of thinking......

    Hugs and love
  11. teatime

    teatime New Member

    Thank you, all, for reading my long missive and offering good advice and support! I am still reading and digesting so it will take me a bit to reply substantively but I just wanted to say thank you in the meantime! This was a tough weekend and I need to get some rest! I will write again soon.
  12. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry to come in so late, but I read it all and wanted to assure you that it is NOT your fault. Sounds like he probably got into too much drinking and/or drugs and now may have a substance abuse problem, (they are great at that), but this unfortunately can and often does happen when kids go away to college) where there is plenty of peer pressure and no supervision. You did NOT cause it.

    At this time, my first concern would not be would be the other issues...drugs, drinking, work. He can always go back to school. He needs to get healthy first. And that is up to him!

    Please be good to yourself and think of your options. If he is stealing and selling your pain pills, he is using serious drugs (my daughter told me, right or wrong, that those who use drugs also sell them). Perhaps it is time to make him go out on his own. (((Hugs)))!!
  13. teatime

    teatime New Member

    Hi all, sorry for the delay! I had a tough weekend with my diseases (I have systemic lupus and scleroderma). It was peaceful here because my son went back to the city where he was living to pick up his things. But the drama started up when he returned. While he was gone, I realized just what sort of oppressive cloud he has put over my home.

    Yep, he needs to go. He needs to learn how to make it on his own. The problem is that I am scheduled for some extensive surgery in two weeks and he has to be here for that because he is my next of kin. I have very little family still living. But I am worried about what will be going on at my house while I'm in the hospital. He could very well pawn some of my things and then claim the house was robbed. I really, really hate having to worry about these kinds of things while having to rely on him for a bit of help, as well. I'm thinking that I may have to install new locks on my bedroom doors and lock up my electronics in there. Is that pathetic or what? :(

    I don't understand how and why he can't seem to learn lessons from bad experiences. He actually HAS been homeless and living in a tent for months. He's gone without food and gotten so sick that he wound up in the hospital. It's not like I've run to his rescue all of the time and coddled him when he made bad decisions. After the first time he conned me and I found out, I've let the chips fall where they may and I've continued that policy for YEARS. (He is 24, by the way.) It hasn't worked. So the only thing left was to bring him home, give him a time frame to get a job and save up some money so he can go back out on his own. This is a one-time thing and won't become a yo-yo experience.

    I think he may be mentally ill. I long suspected his father was bi-polar even though he refused psychiatric testing and intervention. There are many times when he is behaving just as his father did, except the peaks aren't quite as high. The valleys definitely are very low. I am going to start looking for mental health resources, although I can't force him to participate in programs. I hope he will WANT help. But if he does steal from me or become aggressive, I will call the police. If he's lucky, a judge might agree that he needs a mental health program rather than jail and I think judges can order that sort of thing. I just need to be prepared.

    Happily, I already have household help through the department of disability and my case worker has already increased the number of hours and is scheduling someone to come in every day starting the day I come home from the hospital. I will have a nurse visiting, too. So there will be a lot of people around to intervene and report problems if he does anything the least bit abusive or shady.
  14. Star*

    Star* call 911


    I think the important thing right now is to get some support in place for yourself. Your son is not going to change, putting him out at this point would be the best thing, but I think reading between the lines here - it's a catch 22 - you need someone to take care of you and anyone at this point is better than no one - even if they are abusive, stealing, and manipulative - at least he's free right? Because I'm not sure with the impending surgery that you would qualify for surgery, and any type of respite care on Medicare, followed by home health care visits or a nurse. You know - someone that your insurance could provide for you that wouldn't yell at you, steal from you, and abuse you, but would take care of you. (YES I am being sarcastic here) SO is it a matter of time involved that is stopping you from asking for this help or is it that you're embarrased to ask a stranger to help you, or too strong willed? Because my thoughts keep circling back to WHY would someone who is as intelligent as you - put up with such a horrific situation? And I AM NOT JUDGING - (you'd have to hear MY life story to understand that) I'm ASKING ONLY.

    If your son is mentally ill, then he's mentally ill and you have to realize something - There is probably very little chance that he WILL accept that fact, and less chance that he will EVER accept help, therapy, or medicaitons for it. His brain is kinda set - it found the best way it could to deal with what it has dealt with -and it's patterns are engrained. To change that? It would take years of therapy, and possible medications, and most importantly - him accepting YUP there is something wrong with my behaviors...and WANTING to change. I don't see anything in any of your posts that says "I'm sorry for how I treat you Mom, I want to change." The fact that he's so intelligent, and can make it through school, get to college? Is phenominal and maybe this is a disorder not necessarily a mental illness - and it (whatever it is) CAN be helped or at least controlled - the rages, the out of control yelling, the mood swings - and once that's under control and he feels about () much better about himself - he may start to think he can do more for himself and want to - but as it stands - he's not in a good mood, constantly lashing out - angry about everything - and takes it out on his crippled, and ailing Mom in a huge and large way.....and now wants to sell her pain medications to supply his life with necessities. That's not to me - mentally ill - that's the mind of a thinking person - a manipulative thinker. The fact that he lived in a tent and didn't make it? Ended up in the hospital? been there done that - and when mine entered the hospital? I got a call with the crying and the I'm sorries -I'm living under bridges, eating out of dumpsters..and I'm sick - and I said "Sounds like you've been survivng anyway - I'm glad you had enough instincts to survive - where are you goign to go when you leave the hospital?" (because he wasn't coming home) that ship had sailed. I hung up the phone and cried for hours - but amazingly - he managed to get a job - and get food, and a place to stay - and he did end up in the hospital and he made a lot more mistakes since - but he's learning....I'm NOT there to bail him out of every single situation. I'll be there to support him, and help him right wrongs - and give him a hand up if he's trying.

    What you are going through Tea - is unimaginable. I was diagnosis with scleroderma about 5 years ago. I read up on it and it scared the living daylights out of me. I was also diagnosis with the possibility lupus at the same time. LOVELY. I came home from the doctors, ast in the field at our house in the car and cried for oh I dunno thirty minutes at least. Then I got up the courage to tell my fiance what the doctor said. What it was, and how our lives would change. He's disabled - broken back, broken knees - going blind, lost his hearing - and life just keeps getting more fun by the year. (insert squiggly face here) and I was morbidly obese -according to the insurance company - at 5'7 - you're supposed to be like - 100 lbs. (hahah) I was 298.....and no one knew what was really wrong with me. I just kept getting shuffled from doctor to doctor, specialist to specialist and finally in desperation i got sent to this woman a nurse -and she said - DO THIS - and you'll be like THIS - and I did - and voila - It wasn't scleroderma, it wasn't lupus - although theyre not ruling it out totally on the lupus - and she said I had syndrome X - pre diabetes - changed my diet - I dropped 165 lbs....and Now I feel better - and so far no tests have come back pos. for Scleroderma. I could just kick that doctor that told me that's what I have. I can't imagine how brave you must be to face each day. I lived with the THOUGHT of it for a few weeks - and you live WITH it every day. My heart goes out to you. It really, really does.

    If you need your son there for now? then so be it. I think the proof of your life - was in your first statement though - YOU said it was peaceful when he went into the city - I bet those few days were lovely -I think you need to imagine HOW those days could stretch to weeks......and how much better YOUR quality of life would be if they were peaceful. At 24? He's a grown man - even if he does have issues. And i guess my last question is - At WHAT age are you going to give yourself permission for him to grow up - and get out and find out these things for himself? You need to know that it's okay for him to struggle - and figure out things on his own. Its not's not what you wanted for him......but it's okay to push him out of the nest and let him fly. Even if he walks .....and does not's okay. You're still a good....GREAT Mom. Because that's what great Moms do - We accept the fact that even some of our kids are going to take more lumps that others - and we allow them that right -------and svck up the heartache behind a facade of "GO GET EM HONEY! You're doing great!" In the mean time - we pray - we cry, we ask God WHY MY KID? We get frustrated, we wonder, we hope..we scream and we wait...and hopefully they don't kill us and we don't die before we get to see some improvement in them.

    I wish I could make it all easier for you ------You've got too many hard decisions to make alone..... we're here to support you!
    Hugs & Love
  15. matti

    matti New Member

    Hi Teatime
    I am really sorry for what you are going through. My son is mentally ill as well, and believe me, until you live it you have no idea of what it's like.
    While you can't force your son to get help, you can get help and support for yourself. Look for it through your local Community Access Center or ask your family doctor. You need to take care of yourself before you can care for anyone else.
    Please, keep us posted on how things are for you. There are many of us here who really care!
  16. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Teatime...I really am glad you got back to us.

    I am trying to put myself in your place and it isnt hard. I have some pretty icky stuff going on and my difficult child is just a year older than your son. Im trying to imagine if I had to rely on him for all of my care when he was at his worst. Actually I dont have to think that hard because he was at his worst when I almost died. This was back in 2008. He tried but he wasnt all that great. I do have to say for him my illness did seem to have a positive effect on his life because I think it scared him but who knows. I dont think I would want him to be my sole caregiver ever. I know he loves me and would do whatever he could for me but I dont want any of my kids to have to do that. Number one, I dont trust his friends that much!
  17. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    Star is right. You need to get some strong supports put into place for YOU. Sometimes we just have to step off the roller coaster and put ourselves first. I'm so sorry you're having to go through so much at once right now. And I'm so glad you found us so you don't have to go through it alone anymore.

    Please keep us updated.

  18. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I know a lot of people with lupus. My mom and I belonged to a lupus support group (they let me be a member even as a teen because I had health problems that felt like lupus but were caused by other stuff and no one knew what) that ten yrs later became lupus and chronic pain support group. In jr high my favorite teacher was diagnosis'd with lupus and scleroderma. It really roced a lot of us.

    Stress is HUGE in the degree of problems when you have these health problems. HUGE. The relief you felt when he went to the city should tell you something.

    Your son is NOT the person who should be taking care of you after surgery. You will NOt be able to keep him from sellign your medications and you will NOt be able to reach out and call for help for a long time. This is a VERY dangerous situation and you will likely end up hurt. Either from not having the pain medications because he wanted them to take or sell or because he hurt you or he didn't give you the care you need.

    WHAT in his behavior of the last year gives you the idea that he will take good care of you while you are sick? He mooched off of anyone he could, he threatens you and intimidates you and takes your things and wants your pain medications. This is NOT a good person to care for another.

    After the surgery you will problem be operating at leasty physically on the level of a toddler as far as mobility, daily living skills like cooking, etc..... Maybe a 5 or 6yo. This next question needs an HONEST answer.

    Would you at ANY time right now allow your son to babysit a child overnight for one night? For a few nights? For 2 weeks? The sane answer here is NO! You will be operating at least physically on a level with a younger child. WHY would you trust him with YOU? I know how hard this is. I had a terrible time admitting I needed help after surgery each time I have had it. I hated it all- the help, needing the help, that the person I wanted to help me wasn't able to bc he had to work all day, etc...

    PLEASE tell your case worker EVERYTHNG and get her to find someone to care for you. Call your church or ANY nearby church and see if their ladies' group will help. I know a lot of churches have people who do this - I used to go with my grandparents to do this kind of thing. You might have to talk to several churches to find one that will help, but you can find help.

    It is SUPER important to tell your doctor ALL about your son - he can also help find resources to help you.

    Yes, your son needs help. He won't get it unitl he hits bottom and WANTS it. You cannot make that happen and his bottom is WAY lower than yours. Letting him live iwth you just keeps him sicker because you give him resources to avoid bottom.

    PLEASE, let your ADULT son take care of himself and PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do NOT let him take care of YOU esp when you are at your most vulnerable!!!!!!
  19. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Susie* makes a good point here Teatime -

    WHen you are coming out of post op - You are NOT going to be in charge of your medications - you are going to be OUT OF IT. And then I guess my next question would be - WHAT IF - you're in so much pain that you can't think, and your son has already sold your pain medications? What happens to YOU at that point? YOu're in pain out of your mind, and you have to go to the ER - becasue you're in so much pain. You have to take your prescriptions with you - they count your pills - and you're short 0r OUT? They see this as drug seeking behaviors IN YOU......OR they report your son to the authorities for stealing narcotics.

    It's a pretty - FAR OUT scenario - But again - like she said - He needs help and at this time - YOU are not in a position to give it. You need help too, and I think before this surgery goes on - you had really better take an honest hard look at the things being discussed here no matter how hurtful they are. No one is saying any of this to make you sadder or feel this point these things are only WHAT IFS ........but we say them because =======because we've lived them already and know they can be more than what if's - they can be reality and your house could be a part of that.

    Janets boys? They are my loves - but and this is a BIG butt - SHE went through HELL ON EARTH with them. But it took them almost loosing her before anyone actually woke up and said OMG we could have lost Mom, I had better shape my butt up. In that respect? Yes she got lucky - but what they've put her through otherwise - wasn't lucky==it was unimaginable. And she's one of the toughest women I know.
    Again - don't think anyone here is so DOWN on your kid that we don't know what's going on - HE"S FAMILY now - so that's not an issue......we GET HIM.....and we love him ------we just (like our own kids at times) don't like what he's doing. No shame in that.
  20. teatime

    teatime New Member

    OK, I had to reread what I wrote to see if I in any way indicated that he would be my sole or primary caregiver, because that is what some of y'all are indicating. I didn't write that -- I specifically stated that my provider had her hours and days increased so that she'll be coming in every day plus I'll have a visiting nurse and aide (plus a physical therapist later, I'm sure).

    Please give me some credit, folks! There's no way I would put myself in the situation of having my son as primary caregiver! I just need him at the hospital during my surgery in the case of emergency or something unexpected going on because he is my next of kin. They did tell me there is some substantial blood loss common and I may need a transfusion. I'm going to be in the hospital for 4-5 days after surgery and it's quite likely they'll send me home with a morphine pain pump. That's been done with my shoulder surgeries and they weren't nearly as extensive as this one.

    Anyhoo, I've got enough to worry about but son as caregiver isn't part of it. If anything, my convalescence will provide an opportunity to get some help in resolving things. With a home health agency providing nursing services, there will be daily oversight and a social worker available who can help me with this situation. As I stated previously, my biggest fear is that he will take and pawn some of my electronics. If he does, though, I WILL call the police and I will be forewarning him about that.