New Here, seeking advice

[akhughes17]

I'm mother to a 17 year old daughter who has a history of adhd/bipolar issues. We've passed the mental institution stages and calling the cops for uncontrollable behavior. Current issue is simple. All I ask is that she keeps her room clean and does not cuss directly at me. I've given up on her not cussing at all so I just ask she doesn't cuss 'at' me. She refuses. Tells me she is an equal. I should treat her like one and I will see a difference in her. So I said fine...I'll treat you as an equal. This means I don't have to tell you to clean your room...you will just automatically do it. She said..nope. Never mind. I'm done. I want the family (her brother, my boyfriend and me) to just pretend she doesn't exist. She slams her door, cusses like a sailor, her room is disgusting. Her father won't cut her phone off and I'm not calling the cops out to get it from her. Besides, she would just act worse if I took it from her. She makes our families' home MISERABLE. She is extrememly unpleasant and she wants it to be all about HER. She'll throw anyone she can under the bus to make herself look good to everyone else. Her mood swings are unbearable. Any suggestions? Please. Her dad won't take her in and that is where she wants to live. I don't know how to keep the peace in my home and I don't know how to be a parent to someone who refuses to be parented.

 

[DaisyFace]

Hello and Welcome!

First question that comes to mind: Why won't Dad take her in? That's gotta make her feel rejected...and rejection is usually fuel for the fire for these kids....so that's not helping.

Second question: What (specifically) is wrong with her bedroom when you say "disgusting" ? Food residue? Insects? Rotting garbage? (As you can already tell - we Warrior Moms here on the Board have seen it all)

When it comes to clean bedrooms - messy, cluttered, whatever it's their bedroom and probably not worth fighting about....UNTIL it begins to encroach upon the safety and/or environment of the rest of the home. IOW - if her bedroom contains biohazards, or is stinking up the rest of the house....YOU HAVE THE RIGHT AS THE PARENT AND HOMEOWNER to go in and dispose of anything that needs disposing. That is your right under the law in most states. Minors own nothing (even if they "bought it with their own money") and parents are allowed to exercise control over a minor's property if they see fit.

 

[tiredmommy]

Hello and welcome. I'm sorry your teen is giving your family such a hard time. You sound like you've done all you can and nothing has worked.

She's 17... turn the tables on her before she's 18. Ask her, if she's your "equal", exactly where she plans to live when she's 18 and how she will support herself. Get a calendar and start a countdown until 18. Write up a note and have the mortgage or lease holder sign it saying she is "evicted" as of this date (birthay) and record the note being given to her electronically. Call her birthday "independence day". Inform her father she will no longer be living there as of 18 plus one day, he can deal with her. The sad fact is, there is not much you can do to compel a 17 year to do anything... medication compliance, attend school, or even be civil etc. All you can do is let the school of hard knocks educate them and cover your own backside in the meantime.

 

[busywend]

Oh...your story is familiar! Welcome!

I would also like to know why dad wont take her in? Seems like the best next step. Mine went to dads for 1 year and then we split time 50/50..of course after i moved closer to him and in that school district.

 

[Nancy]

Hi Alisha and welcome,

Living with a bipolar is difficult for sure. Is she on medication? Is she in school or working? If you have exhausted the mental and legal avenues it may be time to just pick your battles until she turns 18 and then help her decide that it is time for her to find alternative living arrangements.

Nancy

 

[DammitJanet]

Aint bipolar fun?

So Miss Too Big for Her Britches wants to call her own shots? Call your state and find out exactly what your rights and responsibilities are for a minor and when her age of majority starts. For most states it is 18 but I think NY is idiotic enough to say 21. But some states will also say that if your child leaves home voluntarily before 18 then you are free. Well I think they have to be at least 16. A 2 year old cant just take off.

I am with Tiredmommy in that I would start her countdown towards her 18th birthday and let her know that she gets a backpack and a set of good walking shoes for her birthday because she is walking out that door the following morning with or without the aid of the sheriff.

 

[BusynMember]

If she's in treatment, it sure isn't helping her. Is she taking drugs or drinking too? At a ny rate, since she is obviously impossible to live with, I'd also plan for her to leave when she turns eighteen. Sounds like (JMO) she may have a touch of borderline personality disorder. Often goes with bipolar. Is s he seeing any sort of doctor/therapist for help?

 

[recoveringenabler]

Hi AKhuges17, welcome to our little corner of the Universe. We're glad you found us, but sorry you had to. I agree with the others to start the countdown,............ she sees herself as an equal, so equal adults carry their own weight when they're 18. Look into what it takes to evict a kid who lives with you, in your home state, the laws are different in different states and you may need to do it through the court system when she is 18. Bi-polar can be extremely difficult to live with at times. You might want to check in with NAMI (National Alliance for Mental illness) look online, they offer support groups for parents and a lot of support for your daughter should she be willing to avail herself to that help. But, whether she does or not, you can get support through them, they have support groups for parents. The only way I have stayed sane through my own daughter's mentally challenging antics was to make sure I kept myself very well supported, continually. Keep posting here, it helps. And, take care of yourself, it's essential. I'm sorry, I do know how you feel, I've been there too. Lots of caring hugs coming your way, hang in there...............

 

[TerryJ2]

Welcome!

I am so sorry you are living through this.

Why isn't your daughter's treatment working? Is she not taking her medications? Does she not need a medication change?

Does she go to school every day? Is there someone there who can get on board to help you?

Will she ever sit down and have a discussion with-you? Is there a certain time of day that is better than others?

Many hugs.

 

[akhughes17]

Thanks to everyone for your advice. In answer to questions, she is not under treatment. I used to take her to psychiatry and psychology religiously to no avail. She has been arrested for distribution of prescriptions at school which resulted in 2 felony charges which never went to court because the labs misplaced the medications taken into possession. Or so they say. Anyway...I don't treat her bipolar because of her addictive personality. Talking to her is like talking to a brick wall....or better yet...a really hungry lion who has just had a steak dangled in front of them. I'm pretty sure she is self medicating with marijuana which I have heard is not uncommon for bipolar personalities. I have very liberal views on marijuana although I do not smoke myself at all. I'm a firm believer in legalizing it...I certainly would rather drive by someone on the roads who has been smoking than drinking. Anyway...back to my daughter.

I did let her know she will get a very nice suitcase for her 18th birthday. She has really started stressing. She actually got a job this week...but her history with jobs are attendance/tardy issues. I really hope she gets it together this time. She knows now because I made it very clear that her time here with me is coming to a close.

Her dad cannot take her because he drives a truck.