shannonontheprairie
New Member
Good evening, all. I am a married mother of two sons and mother-in-law to one daughter. Hubs and I have been married since I was 18 and he was 20, and our kids came along right away. We now find ourselves at 41 and 43 facing an empty nest! Of course our kids are grown (and one is married) but the parenting doesn't stop. All of them still live here, at least until DS1 finishes school this semester and he and wife move on to the career world. It makes for interesting dynamics in the house, sometimes lively and entertaining, sometimes heart-breakingly torturous.
I never dreamed I would have to join a site like this regarding my younger son, who has always been our golden child, our compliant one. I am still not sure we are in 'the danger zone' so-to-speak, but what do I know? We also find ourselves facing some issues and are not sure where to turn or what to do, if anything.
DS2 turned 19 last October. He has always been a highly-social, compliant and obedient child. He is talented academically, musically and athletically. (Verifiable facts, by the way, not just a mama's word. ;o) ) He graduated high school with a 3.9 GPA and wanted to go out of state to university but we were not prepared to send him as a freshman. He earned a scholarship to the local community college that he was proud of earning, and buckled down to his work. He also got his first two real jobs, a position at Taco Bell and as a lifeguard for a local rec center. He realized pretty quickly that two jobs and school was too much and went solely with the lifeguarding position. He works there about 25 hours a week while going to school and maintaining decent grades (or so we assume. He tells us he is doing well enough, he has always been honest before.) He is highly social, and we know, on a superficial level, his core group of friends. He plays in a band when he has the chance, has some chores here at home, is respectful and polite. He is also a very private person, and always has been. It doesn't mean he never opens up, but if you pry too hard with him he tightens down. Older son is such that was he is thinking is coming out his mouth, so this is a very different kid for us to navigate!
Last week my husband caught him smoking pot. Not in the act, but afterwards when he was exhibiting all the classic signs. There were a bunch of kids over at that time, he knocked on his door and let himself in. Shortly afterward he called DS2 upstairs, sat him down and asked him point-blank if he was smoking. After a little dithering around he came clean and admitted it. That also means that they were smoking here at the house, outside the basement door. Said he did it only occasionally, had "done his research" regarding the effects, and made an academic decision to smoke. He also said that he was not doing anything any harder than pot, nor was he drinking. Hubs told him we did not approve and that he was not to smoke in the house, at all, and neither were his friends. (Ironically (or not??) the friends have hardly been around since that talk.) He seemed to be contrite, got more diligent about keeping his room clean and getting his chores done.
Tonight DS1 came in the house and told us he found weed and some paraphernalia stashed under the seat of the car DS2 drives. He was looking for a video game. He was quite distressed about it, told us. He also told me a little while later that DS2 has told him he had tried pot, but he didn't say anything because he didn't want to betray trust and didn't see it being a problem with DS2. We had not previously told him of our knowing of DS2's pot use.
Now I am upset again. I know he knows the risks academically, but doesn't really understand the far-reaching potential consequences of the risks he is taking. I am upset that he is keeping illegal substances in our car (technically ours, but he is the only one who drives it and is financially responsible for maintenance and gas.) My heart wants to go easy on him, but my head clearly knows he must suffer any consequences he encounters.
I don't know how much of a problem we have, where to lay down the boundaries, how to respond to what we know. We hardly pay for anything for him anymore; his meals at home, the electricity and water he uses, his books. He even pays his own portion of the cellphone bill. We calculated how much gas he uses to get back and forth to school, and we give him that much in cash, exactly. Sometimes we buy him some new shoes.
I am currently in counselling for extended family issues and recovery from a bout of depression, and I brought up the subject with the counsellor (who is also an addictions counsellor.) Of course she didn't tell me what to do, that is not her job. She did say that it was her understanding and education that pot-smokers were not so often alcohol-consumers, as well. She also pointed out that THC lasts in the blood much longer than most people know, and that the long-lasting effects of the increased dopamine levels affect learning. She disagreed that it was as much a gateway drug as I believed.
Now I need help, advice, perspective, encouragement. Who wants to give it a go?
Eternally grateful,
shannonontheprairie
I never dreamed I would have to join a site like this regarding my younger son, who has always been our golden child, our compliant one. I am still not sure we are in 'the danger zone' so-to-speak, but what do I know? We also find ourselves facing some issues and are not sure where to turn or what to do, if anything.
DS2 turned 19 last October. He has always been a highly-social, compliant and obedient child. He is talented academically, musically and athletically. (Verifiable facts, by the way, not just a mama's word. ;o) ) He graduated high school with a 3.9 GPA and wanted to go out of state to university but we were not prepared to send him as a freshman. He earned a scholarship to the local community college that he was proud of earning, and buckled down to his work. He also got his first two real jobs, a position at Taco Bell and as a lifeguard for a local rec center. He realized pretty quickly that two jobs and school was too much and went solely with the lifeguarding position. He works there about 25 hours a week while going to school and maintaining decent grades (or so we assume. He tells us he is doing well enough, he has always been honest before.) He is highly social, and we know, on a superficial level, his core group of friends. He plays in a band when he has the chance, has some chores here at home, is respectful and polite. He is also a very private person, and always has been. It doesn't mean he never opens up, but if you pry too hard with him he tightens down. Older son is such that was he is thinking is coming out his mouth, so this is a very different kid for us to navigate!
Last week my husband caught him smoking pot. Not in the act, but afterwards when he was exhibiting all the classic signs. There were a bunch of kids over at that time, he knocked on his door and let himself in. Shortly afterward he called DS2 upstairs, sat him down and asked him point-blank if he was smoking. After a little dithering around he came clean and admitted it. That also means that they were smoking here at the house, outside the basement door. Said he did it only occasionally, had "done his research" regarding the effects, and made an academic decision to smoke. He also said that he was not doing anything any harder than pot, nor was he drinking. Hubs told him we did not approve and that he was not to smoke in the house, at all, and neither were his friends. (Ironically (or not??) the friends have hardly been around since that talk.) He seemed to be contrite, got more diligent about keeping his room clean and getting his chores done.
Tonight DS1 came in the house and told us he found weed and some paraphernalia stashed under the seat of the car DS2 drives. He was looking for a video game. He was quite distressed about it, told us. He also told me a little while later that DS2 has told him he had tried pot, but he didn't say anything because he didn't want to betray trust and didn't see it being a problem with DS2. We had not previously told him of our knowing of DS2's pot use.
Now I am upset again. I know he knows the risks academically, but doesn't really understand the far-reaching potential consequences of the risks he is taking. I am upset that he is keeping illegal substances in our car (technically ours, but he is the only one who drives it and is financially responsible for maintenance and gas.) My heart wants to go easy on him, but my head clearly knows he must suffer any consequences he encounters.
I don't know how much of a problem we have, where to lay down the boundaries, how to respond to what we know. We hardly pay for anything for him anymore; his meals at home, the electricity and water he uses, his books. He even pays his own portion of the cellphone bill. We calculated how much gas he uses to get back and forth to school, and we give him that much in cash, exactly. Sometimes we buy him some new shoes.
I am currently in counselling for extended family issues and recovery from a bout of depression, and I brought up the subject with the counsellor (who is also an addictions counsellor.) Of course she didn't tell me what to do, that is not her job. She did say that it was her understanding and education that pot-smokers were not so often alcohol-consumers, as well. She also pointed out that THC lasts in the blood much longer than most people know, and that the long-lasting effects of the increased dopamine levels affect learning. She disagreed that it was as much a gateway drug as I believed.
Now I need help, advice, perspective, encouragement. Who wants to give it a go?
Eternally grateful,
shannonontheprairie
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