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<blockquote data-quote="Andy" data-source="post: 180194" data-attributes="member: 5096"><p>Welcome - Just want to comment on the Manipulative Child book. As with all books, the material doesn't fit all situations. I do have an inkling that it may help you. What I have learned from the book:</p><p> </p><p>Kids and parents "fall into" the manipulation process. When I read that your child was clingier than normal it so reminded me of my difficult child. I think that when kids are clingy, they seem to pick up on our vulnerabilities easier and use this as ammo.</p><p> </p><p>Does your difficult child try to change the subject to her advantage or just to keep from possibly getting into trouble or from doing something she doesn't want to do?</p><p> </p><p>Example: "difficult child, please bring the bike into the garage."</p><p>"I want it to stay outside"</p><p>"You need to bring it inside in case it rains."</p><p>"How do you know it is going to rain?"</p><p>"The radio says it might."</p><p>"But how do you know?"</p><p>"I don't"</p><p>"Then I don't have to bring the bike in."</p><p> </p><p>See how difficult children can debate away doing something? The real issue was bringing the bike in but difficult child got your attention away from that and on to the possibility of rain.</p><p> </p><p>This book showed me how my children are very good at using my emotional and rationalization ability to get out of almost anything. Most kids that fall into this have very smart parents who are trying to teach their children the ability to think and solve problems. They take this problem solving theroy into getting out of doing what parents want them to do or to get something from their parents.</p><p> </p><p>Most kids like to use their parent's feelings against them: "I hate you! You don't love me anymore!" Makes most of us fall apart and do whatever it is to get them to see that we do love them. Your child has picked up that it irritates you to be questioned, "How do you know?" Because, once we become angry, our focus is taken off whatever and put on our anger toward what was just said or done.</p><p> </p><p>We need to ignore these words and not allow the child to take our focus off the issue at hand. Also helps to give as little info in the instructions as possible.</p><p> </p><p>"difficult child, please bring the bike into the garage."</p><p>"It can stay outside tonight."</p><p>"difficult child, your bike needs to be in the garage." (do not mention rain)</p><p>"How do you know?"</p><p>"difficult child, you need to put your bike into the garage."</p><p> </p><p>Stay calm and keep the focus on the job at hand - no explanation needed. We all want our kids to learn why jobs need to be done, however, some kids will use the explanation as ammunition to question why or demand that they don't need to. If you want your child to know the "why" wait until they do what was requested and then explain why.</p><p> </p><p>I first tried this technique on my 17 yr old easy child - As I calmly said over and over, "When the dishes are put away then you get the computer back" I was amazed at how many things she said to get my focus off of her putting the dishes away. She was trying to manipulate the situation to get her computer back without doing the dishes.</p><p> </p><p>Basically the technique in this book is;</p><p>1. Stop the behavior - stop the wanting to argue</p><p>2. Pause - time to calm down - sometimes when you tell the child to sit out for a few minutes - she will say, "O.K. I will do what you want". She still has to do whatever the 'pause' activitiy is. When you say, you are to sit down for two minutes, then she sits for two minutes before doing the activity even if she is willing to start behaving.</p><p>3. Redirect - O.K., you may now do what I asked you to.</p><p> </p><p>Each kid is different and you will get what you need out of what you read.</p><p> </p><p>Welcome aboard.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Andy, post: 180194, member: 5096"] Welcome - Just want to comment on the Manipulative Child book. As with all books, the material doesn't fit all situations. I do have an inkling that it may help you. What I have learned from the book: Kids and parents "fall into" the manipulation process. When I read that your child was clingier than normal it so reminded me of my difficult child. I think that when kids are clingy, they seem to pick up on our vulnerabilities easier and use this as ammo. Does your difficult child try to change the subject to her advantage or just to keep from possibly getting into trouble or from doing something she doesn't want to do? Example: "difficult child, please bring the bike into the garage." "I want it to stay outside" "You need to bring it inside in case it rains." "How do you know it is going to rain?" "The radio says it might." "But how do you know?" "I don't" "Then I don't have to bring the bike in." See how difficult children can debate away doing something? The real issue was bringing the bike in but difficult child got your attention away from that and on to the possibility of rain. This book showed me how my children are very good at using my emotional and rationalization ability to get out of almost anything. Most kids that fall into this have very smart parents who are trying to teach their children the ability to think and solve problems. They take this problem solving theroy into getting out of doing what parents want them to do or to get something from their parents. Most kids like to use their parent's feelings against them: "I hate you! You don't love me anymore!" Makes most of us fall apart and do whatever it is to get them to see that we do love them. Your child has picked up that it irritates you to be questioned, "How do you know?" Because, once we become angry, our focus is taken off whatever and put on our anger toward what was just said or done. We need to ignore these words and not allow the child to take our focus off the issue at hand. Also helps to give as little info in the instructions as possible. "difficult child, please bring the bike into the garage." "It can stay outside tonight." "difficult child, your bike needs to be in the garage." (do not mention rain) "How do you know?" "difficult child, you need to put your bike into the garage." Stay calm and keep the focus on the job at hand - no explanation needed. We all want our kids to learn why jobs need to be done, however, some kids will use the explanation as ammunition to question why or demand that they don't need to. If you want your child to know the "why" wait until they do what was requested and then explain why. I first tried this technique on my 17 yr old easy child - As I calmly said over and over, "When the dishes are put away then you get the computer back" I was amazed at how many things she said to get my focus off of her putting the dishes away. She was trying to manipulate the situation to get her computer back without doing the dishes. Basically the technique in this book is; 1. Stop the behavior - stop the wanting to argue 2. Pause - time to calm down - sometimes when you tell the child to sit out for a few minutes - she will say, "O.K. I will do what you want". She still has to do whatever the 'pause' activitiy is. When you say, you are to sit down for two minutes, then she sits for two minutes before doing the activity even if she is willing to start behaving. 3. Redirect - O.K., you may now do what I asked you to. Each kid is different and you will get what you need out of what you read. Welcome aboard. [/QUOTE]
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