New Here

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by moonwolf, Oct 6, 2008.

  1. moonwolf

    moonwolf moonwolf

    I really don't know what to say...I'm labeled a babysitter...but I'm more like a big sister to the 3 siblings I watch. The youngest one (almost 7 years old) has violent rages and major mood swings...i.e. one minute he's fine doing what he is told...and the next he is screaming, kicking at me or the walls, name calling, or throwing things at walls or at people. Their mom...which is like a second mom to me and I call her on this group and she thought maybe it might help me to be on here as well. I'm at my wits end with him...he knows he can overpower me and goes for any weaknesses that he knows I have. I just really don't know what to do with him. I'm around him every week M-F and sometimes on Sat. as well. Most of the time mom is here...and I let her deal with it...on M-F I'm here to help with homework..and Friday nights she goes out with her my girlfriend and I are here alone with him that night...but she doesn't leave until after bedtime...but usually he's still awake and throwing a fit. Most of the time they calm him down before they leave but there has been a few times that he starts back up again whenever they leave. The times that they don't calm him down...he calms down by himself. I'm just so confused on what to do anymore.
  2. Woofens

    Woofens New Member

    Wanted everyone to know that moonwolf is mine, sort of... she isn't my biological child but she and her SO are my daughters in my heart. So the kids she is talking about in this post are my difficult child and PCs :)

  3. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Moonwolf, You sound like an awesome young lady. To be so committed to these young children who give you a hard time. I am sure Woofens counts you as one of her most cherished blessings. Thank you for sticking in there with these wonderful kids.

    What kinds of things do you do with the kids? Do you help the boy with his homework? If so, how does that go? If not, he may be looking for more attention from you. It doesn't have to be much, maybe just acknowledging how his day is going or if he has a fun event coming up share his excitement with him. Be a friend.

    You already know that physical strength is not the answer here. You need to try to reach him at a different place. Keep assuring him that you are his friend and he is special to you. Let him know that you know he does not like to rage and you want to help him from hurting himself and others.

    Don't take his "attacks" personal. He is hurting inside and is crying for help. He is striking out at the closest person to push away distractions so that he can put everything in context (he is getting overwhelmed). Don't throw new info into the moment. Often in our desire to help, we start throwing out a lot of suggestions in hopes that one will get the child's attention. During a meltdown or rage, these just fuel the problem because the child can not process everything while feeling that way. Maybe when a rage starts make sure t.v.s get turned off and the house is silent and ask him to close his eyes and and focus breathing? Try to take away distractions. Ask other kids to leave the room.

    What I suggest will not solve any issues but may help you get through while his mom is working on getting him the appointments needed to evaluate his needs.

    Go to your local library and find the book The Explosive Child. That may give you more strategies to reach him.
  4. amazeofgrace

    amazeofgrace New Member

    a warm welcome to you both
  5. Woofens

    Woofens New Member

    Thanks so much for welcoming Moonwolf here. She really is one of my most cherished blessings. The help I get from her and her SO are what has helped keep me sane. I'm afraid I might have hurt her feelings a bit by referring to her as a "babysitter" because she is so much more. She has some problems of her own but she has never let me down and she means as much to me as my biological children. I just wasn't sure how to refer to her on the BB here, the relationship is convoluted and hard to explain. She started as a babysitter to my kids, but due to circumstances I will let her share if she wants, I took her into my home when she was 19 and she has been mine ever since. I'm very proud to be her "mom" and her SO's also. I try very hard to be the person in their lives that they can count on no matter what.. no judgment, just love. Her bio family doesn't agree with some of her adult decisions such as with her SO who is also a fabulous young woman, so that on top of past issues made her feel very alone.

    I guess I need to edit my sig a bit and try to fit it all in.... its so confusing. I do appreciate the welcome she has received, I told her to come here, even though she isn't a parent, she is a caregiver who is involved on a daily basis so I thought she might get some help here. I know that this is hard on her and her SO and I will never be able to express to them how much I appreciate them.

    I don't think sharing this will upset her, so here is a bit about her , she is a wonderful 21 YO easy child, but with some problems of her own, Bipolar, on Lithum, schizophrenia, depression, an autoimmune disease that I can't recall the name of that is causing her to lose her hearing in both ears (she wears hearing aids, knows some ASL and lipreads wonderfully) and Elhers Danlos syndrome.

    I've rambled enough.. thanks for listening

  6. Woofens

    Woofens New Member

    Oh and almost forgot, I ordered copies of both The Explosive Child and The Defiant Child for us from Amazon over the weekend, expecting them here by Oct 10 :)
  7. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Adding a heartfelt welcome. Read up ask questions. You don't have to have a difficult child of your own to be a part of this family!
    It sounds like you are a wonderful young lady who may have something to offer some of us even!
  8. moonwolf

    moonwolf moonwolf

    Thanks so much for the warm welcome...
  9. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Welcome, moonwolf.

    Until those books arrive, duck over to Early Childhood and look for the stickys on adapting the book to younger children. It will give you a bit of a preview on how it works.

    Like you, I used to help out with kids that were not my own. In my case they were the children of my oldest sister, and there were three difficult children in there. Hm... maybe four. And like you, although I felt competent in a lot of areas, there were times when the kids' behaviour had me feeling very much out of my depth. I wish I'd had this book.

    One thing I can tell you - when the time finally came to have my own kids, I really knew much more about what to do. I don't know what your future plans are re having your own family but whatever your future choices, this experience will always be of value to you.

    Can you get your partner to also read up on the book with you? Even if she's not as involved with the kids as you are, if she's on the same wavelength as you, it will help you both. You will be better able to support each other.

    Good on you for being such a caring, wonderful person.

  10. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Welcome to both of you! You have found a soft place to land...
  11. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome Moonwolf!

    As a sister you play a different role than mom does. It is a completely different relationship. But you are in the 'in charge' role as well. My difficult child has this with her little brothers. It is hard to maintain the sisterly relationship if you are in charge at times.

    It is a tough thing for a easy child to get, let alone a difficult child. Maybe you should talk to him about his thoughts when you are watching him for mom. What is he thinking you are to him during that time period. Sometimes something as simple as that talk brings a world of light to the situation.

    That is a start anyway.
  12. moonwolf

    moonwolf moonwolf

    Thanks everyone for the warm welcome and advice...Marguerite I think the books came in today...but I'll still go check it out...