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<blockquote data-quote="slsh" data-source="post: 222201" data-attributes="member: 8"><p>Hi Myah and welcome! I'm so glad you found us.</p><p> </p><p>Parenting a difficult child ("Gift from God", what we call our kiddos with- challenging behaviors) is a marathon. Well, okay maybe parenting in general is a marathon <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite2" alt=";)" title="Wink ;)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=";)" /> but with our difficult children, we really get put to the test. One of the most important things you can do for your son is to take care of yourself - what do *you* do for fun, for stress relief? Are you able to get a break every once in a while? It's really really really important that you find a way to give yourself some down time. Take a day off when he's in school or ... whatever works for your situation.</p><p> </p><p>Genetics certainly can play a role. If there's a history of depression, mood disorders, substance abuse in the family tree, our kiddos can be predisposed. I think the good news for our kids is that we can start treatment (medications, therapy and/or behavior modification) early and hopefully teach our kids how to function successfully with their illnesses. </p><p> </p><p>I absolutely understand your "negativity". Many years ago, my first waking thought was "I hate him", and that was my last thought of the day too. I didn't, don't, never have hated my son, but ... oh my gosh, his behaviors were really horrible. The behaviors just wear down on you and it does seem like your entire day is spent managing them. It is a miserable way to live. You're not alone, not by a long stretch. </p><p> </p><p>Some questions for you: How does he do in school? Is he receiving any services through them (Occupational Therapist (OT)/speech)? Does he have an IEP (special education plan)? Who diagnosed him with ODD? What types of full evaluations has he had - psychiatric, neurologic? What kind of dr. prescribed the clonidine?</p><p> </p><p>Trying to think of what I wish I had know when thank you was 7, two things spring to mind. First, be consistent. I was really the pits at that for a very long time - he'd wear me down and I'd just give in/up after a certain point. If the rule is X, then it needs to be X as near to 100&#37; of the time as you can manage. An excellent book is "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. I'm *not* a self-help book kind of person, but this book is I think a must-have if you have a defiant kiddo. One of the things he talks about is how our defiant kids are optimistic - they just *know* they're going to win one of these days. If we're not consistent with them and they occasionally do "win", it really just makes our lives that much harder. </p><p> </p><p>The other thing is maintaining control of ourselves. I used to be a vein-popping eyeball-bulging yeller, especially when thank you had severed my very last nerve for the umpteenth time in 2 minutes. <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite2" alt=";)" title="Wink ;)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=";)" /> It was the worst thing in the world I could have done - by losing control myself, he won. When I started keeping my response to his behaviors as neutral as possible (took a lot of work, let me tell you), he lost the opportunity to further escalate the situation. I don't know if that applies to you - not everyone is a yeller, but I've found as the years have gone by that even my body language in response to thank you's behaviors can make things worse. </p><p> </p><p>I used to think remorse was innate. I don't think so anymore, at least not for thank you. It's funny - he has huge empathy for the homeless or for people with physical disabilities, but is to this day incapable of really understanding the effect his behavior and choices has on those around him. He's better at apologizing now but... I think it's more a learned thing, you know? "Oh, I did xyz, I'd better apologize." But that's progress because at least he's making some connection there. </p><p> </p><p>Does it get easier as they get older? I'm going to have to say yes to that one. You and your son are both going to learn and grow. And easy becomes a relative term. <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite2" alt=";)" title="Wink ;)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=";)" /> There are some days now that I would give my eye teeth to have to deal with "just" one of the rages from when he was 7 or 8. But even on my worst day with Tyler now, I don't think it is anywhere near as hard as it was 10 years ago. Maybe he's better, maybe I'm used to it.... whatever it is, it really isn't as hard</p><p> </p><p>Anyway - I'm rambling. <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite2" alt=";)" title="Wink ;)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=";)" /> Welcome to the board and again, I'm so glad you found us!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="slsh, post: 222201, member: 8"] Hi Myah and welcome! I'm so glad you found us. Parenting a difficult child ("Gift from God", what we call our kiddos with- challenging behaviors) is a marathon. Well, okay maybe parenting in general is a marathon ;) but with our difficult children, we really get put to the test. One of the most important things you can do for your son is to take care of yourself - what do *you* do for fun, for stress relief? Are you able to get a break every once in a while? It's really really really important that you find a way to give yourself some down time. Take a day off when he's in school or ... whatever works for your situation. Genetics certainly can play a role. If there's a history of depression, mood disorders, substance abuse in the family tree, our kiddos can be predisposed. I think the good news for our kids is that we can start treatment (medications, therapy and/or behavior modification) early and hopefully teach our kids how to function successfully with their illnesses. I absolutely understand your "negativity". Many years ago, my first waking thought was "I hate him", and that was my last thought of the day too. I didn't, don't, never have hated my son, but ... oh my gosh, his behaviors were really horrible. The behaviors just wear down on you and it does seem like your entire day is spent managing them. It is a miserable way to live. You're not alone, not by a long stretch. Some questions for you: How does he do in school? Is he receiving any services through them (Occupational Therapist (OT)/speech)? Does he have an IEP (special education plan)? Who diagnosed him with ODD? What types of full evaluations has he had - psychiatric, neurologic? What kind of dr. prescribed the clonidine? Trying to think of what I wish I had know when thank you was 7, two things spring to mind. First, be consistent. I was really the pits at that for a very long time - he'd wear me down and I'd just give in/up after a certain point. If the rule is X, then it needs to be X as near to 100% of the time as you can manage. An excellent book is "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. I'm *not* a self-help book kind of person, but this book is I think a must-have if you have a defiant kiddo. One of the things he talks about is how our defiant kids are optimistic - they just *know* they're going to win one of these days. If we're not consistent with them and they occasionally do "win", it really just makes our lives that much harder. The other thing is maintaining control of ourselves. I used to be a vein-popping eyeball-bulging yeller, especially when thank you had severed my very last nerve for the umpteenth time in 2 minutes. ;) It was the worst thing in the world I could have done - by losing control myself, he won. When I started keeping my response to his behaviors as neutral as possible (took a lot of work, let me tell you), he lost the opportunity to further escalate the situation. I don't know if that applies to you - not everyone is a yeller, but I've found as the years have gone by that even my body language in response to thank you's behaviors can make things worse. I used to think remorse was innate. I don't think so anymore, at least not for thank you. It's funny - he has huge empathy for the homeless or for people with physical disabilities, but is to this day incapable of really understanding the effect his behavior and choices has on those around him. He's better at apologizing now but... I think it's more a learned thing, you know? "Oh, I did xyz, I'd better apologize." But that's progress because at least he's making some connection there. Does it get easier as they get older? I'm going to have to say yes to that one. You and your son are both going to learn and grow. And easy becomes a relative term. ;) There are some days now that I would give my eye teeth to have to deal with "just" one of the rages from when he was 7 or 8. But even on my worst day with Tyler now, I don't think it is anywhere near as hard as it was 10 years ago. Maybe he's better, maybe I'm used to it.... whatever it is, it really isn't as hard Anyway - I'm rambling. ;) Welcome to the board and again, I'm so glad you found us! [/QUOTE]
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