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<blockquote data-quote="Andy" data-source="post: 279696" data-attributes="member: 5096"><p>You are making a good start in recognizing his questions as a sign of manipulating away from the subject. We want so much for our kids to really understand that it is easy to fall into the answering their questions in the hopes that our answers will be enough to teach them. However, for them, they will continue to find that next question no matter what.</p><p> </p><p>Get the book "The Manipulative Child". I think you will like those techniques. You can borrow it from a library.</p><p> </p><p>We find that the largest challenge with most difficult children is that they do not react to discipline the same way as easy child's. When easy child's are disciplined, they receive the message that we are sending, "That was wrong - I better not do that again." When difficult children are disciplined, they receive the message, "I am a bad person" or mostly, "It is o.k. to hurt someone when they make a mistake." thus causing the power struggles that are common in difficult children. </p><p> </p><p>We have to be very creative and think outside the box to reach these kids. How do we get the message across that yes, they made a mistake but they are not a bad person and they can learn from their actions? How do we get them to recognize in themselves the person they want to be and work on their character? How can they see that disciplining is used to help them become the person they want to be?</p><p> </p><p>I think one thing that will help is to ALWAYS keep the focus on the issue at hand. Do not allow the manipulation that leads your focus off those issues. For most kids, they like to get the parent to focus on their own emotions. That is why they will throw in the "I hate you card" or the "So and So's parents are much better than you", ect. Our first instinct is to turn to ourselves to see what we can do better. However, we are doing things right! Why do we even look at that? Kids seem to know that when things get instense, ugly, emotional, we also have a hard time thinking clearly and tend to go along with the first solution which unknowling comes from the child and is usually not to their best interest even though they think it is. So, always stay calm and focused on the behavior.</p><p> </p><p>Finding positive ways to discipline is very hard but does work well for harder to manage kids. Remind them that their time outs are a way for them to regroup and feel better.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Andy, post: 279696, member: 5096"] You are making a good start in recognizing his questions as a sign of manipulating away from the subject. We want so much for our kids to really understand that it is easy to fall into the answering their questions in the hopes that our answers will be enough to teach them. However, for them, they will continue to find that next question no matter what. Get the book "The Manipulative Child". I think you will like those techniques. You can borrow it from a library. We find that the largest challenge with most difficult children is that they do not react to discipline the same way as easy child's. When easy child's are disciplined, they receive the message that we are sending, "That was wrong - I better not do that again." When difficult children are disciplined, they receive the message, "I am a bad person" or mostly, "It is o.k. to hurt someone when they make a mistake." thus causing the power struggles that are common in difficult children. We have to be very creative and think outside the box to reach these kids. How do we get the message across that yes, they made a mistake but they are not a bad person and they can learn from their actions? How do we get them to recognize in themselves the person they want to be and work on their character? How can they see that disciplining is used to help them become the person they want to be? I think one thing that will help is to ALWAYS keep the focus on the issue at hand. Do not allow the manipulation that leads your focus off those issues. For most kids, they like to get the parent to focus on their own emotions. That is why they will throw in the "I hate you card" or the "So and So's parents are much better than you", ect. Our first instinct is to turn to ourselves to see what we can do better. However, we are doing things right! Why do we even look at that? Kids seem to know that when things get instense, ugly, emotional, we also have a hard time thinking clearly and tend to go along with the first solution which unknowling comes from the child and is usually not to their best interest even though they think it is. So, always stay calm and focused on the behavior. Finding positive ways to discipline is very hard but does work well for harder to manage kids. Remind them that their time outs are a way for them to regroup and feel better. [/QUOTE]
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