Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
New Here
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="mstang67chic" data-source="post: 279853" data-attributes="member: 2459"><p>I too can't really add to the advice you have already received here. I'm sorry you had to find us but glad you did. This truly is a soft place to land and you will find a wealth of information and support here.</p><p></p><p>I will add though, that I think you need to have one final talk with the grandparents. I don't know what your relationship is with them but I would definately talk to them privately and raise a few points.</p><p></p><p>1. You know they love your son and I'm sure they miss their daughter horribly.</p><p>2. You love your son also but his behavior is not acceptable. Period. You're not being unrealistic, <strong><u>you</u></strong> are the parent. Not your son and not his grandparents.</p><p>3. You have rules at home for good reason. While it's normal and somewhat expected that grandparents will "spoil" a grandchild a bit more than the parents do, you expect your rules to be followed for the most part (or at least the biggies) while your son is with them. Not expecting him to follow rules at their house makes it even worse for your household and for him when he comes home. They are not doing this child any favors by basically teaching him that it's ok to act like this. He won't magically wake up one day when he's older and know how to act and behave like a mature, responsible person. It needs to be learned and worked on. That's part of what childhood and adolescence is about.</p><p>4. While the last thing you want to do is keep them and you son from each other, if they still refuse to follow your rules, their visits will be greatly reduced and/or strictly monitored by you. </p><p></p><p>This is just my opinion but something I would do given the same situation. My husband and I have cut off or restricted time out difficult child has spent with people for similar reasons although not with people as close as grandparent. It hoovers (our board has a self sensor feature so hoover is our "code" for s u c k s) to have to do that but sometimes it is in the best interest of the child. </p><p></p><p>I just went back and reread some of the responses you have already received. Discipline types and expectations were mentioned and I want to add to it. Parenting styles, so to speak, vary from parent to parent but also from child to child. What you could allow/trust one child to do (difficult child or easy child), may not be the best thing for another child. As an example, when I was about 16, my grandmother was in the hospital a couple of hours away. My parents stayed with her and not only was I by myself for up to a week, I also went to her house twice daily. I had to feed and water the cows that she had and keep her wood stove going in addition to keeping OUR stove going. (Only source of heat and it was in the winter). I was mature and trusted enough to do this but given the same situation with my son? No way in hades he would be able to do this. Even the kids of some of my friends. Some of them I think could do this, others not and these are so called easy child kids. My point is, like others have said, you may need to change your style and your expectations. If it turns out that there is something else going on besides ODD (and as others have said, that is RARELY a stand alone diagnosis), you will have to adjust your handling of him and of situations to what can work best for him. My son can't be trusted with a lot of items in our house. We've talked and talked, grounded, told, worked on it in counseling....all kinds of things. In the end? We keep these things literally locked up. I hate living like this but it's the only thing that works. Would I like to see him realize and get that he can't mess with other's things? Sure. But, he hasn't gotten it yet so this is what we do. Punishment just doesn't work on this with him no matter what we do, say or want.</p><p></p><p>Get some further testing for your son, see where that takes you and go from there. Pick your battles for now as, much as we all want obedient kids, sometimes it's just not worth the fight.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="mstang67chic, post: 279853, member: 2459"] I too can't really add to the advice you have already received here. I'm sorry you had to find us but glad you did. This truly is a soft place to land and you will find a wealth of information and support here. I will add though, that I think you need to have one final talk with the grandparents. I don't know what your relationship is with them but I would definately talk to them privately and raise a few points. 1. You know they love your son and I'm sure they miss their daughter horribly. 2. You love your son also but his behavior is not acceptable. Period. You're not being unrealistic, [B][U]you[/U][/B] are the parent. Not your son and not his grandparents. 3. You have rules at home for good reason. While it's normal and somewhat expected that grandparents will "spoil" a grandchild a bit more than the parents do, you expect your rules to be followed for the most part (or at least the biggies) while your son is with them. Not expecting him to follow rules at their house makes it even worse for your household and for him when he comes home. They are not doing this child any favors by basically teaching him that it's ok to act like this. He won't magically wake up one day when he's older and know how to act and behave like a mature, responsible person. It needs to be learned and worked on. That's part of what childhood and adolescence is about. 4. While the last thing you want to do is keep them and you son from each other, if they still refuse to follow your rules, their visits will be greatly reduced and/or strictly monitored by you. This is just my opinion but something I would do given the same situation. My husband and I have cut off or restricted time out difficult child has spent with people for similar reasons although not with people as close as grandparent. It hoovers (our board has a self sensor feature so hoover is our "code" for s u c k s) to have to do that but sometimes it is in the best interest of the child. I just went back and reread some of the responses you have already received. Discipline types and expectations were mentioned and I want to add to it. Parenting styles, so to speak, vary from parent to parent but also from child to child. What you could allow/trust one child to do (difficult child or easy child), may not be the best thing for another child. As an example, when I was about 16, my grandmother was in the hospital a couple of hours away. My parents stayed with her and not only was I by myself for up to a week, I also went to her house twice daily. I had to feed and water the cows that she had and keep her wood stove going in addition to keeping OUR stove going. (Only source of heat and it was in the winter). I was mature and trusted enough to do this but given the same situation with my son? No way in hades he would be able to do this. Even the kids of some of my friends. Some of them I think could do this, others not and these are so called easy child kids. My point is, like others have said, you may need to change your style and your expectations. If it turns out that there is something else going on besides ODD (and as others have said, that is RARELY a stand alone diagnosis), you will have to adjust your handling of him and of situations to what can work best for him. My son can't be trusted with a lot of items in our house. We've talked and talked, grounded, told, worked on it in counseling....all kinds of things. In the end? We keep these things literally locked up. I hate living like this but it's the only thing that works. Would I like to see him realize and get that he can't mess with other's things? Sure. But, he hasn't gotten it yet so this is what we do. Punishment just doesn't work on this with him no matter what we do, say or want. Get some further testing for your son, see where that takes you and go from there. Pick your battles for now as, much as we all want obedient kids, sometimes it's just not worth the fight. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
New Here
Top