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<blockquote data-quote="KYDad" data-source="post: 279879" data-attributes="member: 7548"><p>Oh boy. I wasn't quite prepared for the responses I'm afraid. </p><p> </p><p>Let me see if I can clarify myself. </p><p> </p><p>It wasn't an issue of "indulgence" (poor choice of words) so much as no follow up to saying no. No would be repeated, over and over and over but nothing was ever done to enforce the no. This was my wife, her parents, and her sister who all did this. It was ok to them to threaten a punishment, with no follow through. Eventually, any parent must back up their words with some action so the child understands that the word represents an action that "could" come their way if they don't stop what they are doing. This was not the case with their family. Eventually, after hearing "no" enough (which was around about the fifth or sixth time) I would intervene and enforce the no. According to them I was being too harsh. I think it is harsh not to follow up, because to not do so would be to confuse the child into thinking that there are no consequences for inappropriate actions.</p><p> </p><p>Ok, the treasured issue. He wasn't really treasured, he was allowed to do whatever he wanted to do. The adults (in her family) did what the children wanted. They were cruise directors really. They were the source of entertainment, food, snacks, candy, toys. You name it. They were not taught any form of respect for adults. I witnessed son's cousin yell at his mom "You're stupid" with absolutely no response from his mother. None. This is an incident that was repeated over and over again.</p><p> </p><p>It wasn't treasured, it was put upon a pedestal and revered. That is not what most people would determine to be normal by any degree of standard.</p><p> </p><p>OK, what the heck is a difficult child? I like to think myself a resonably intelligent person, but I can't figure this out.</p><p> </p><p>Thank you Marguerite for your repsonse. It was quite insightful. Let me elaborate on the areas that you are missing.</p><p> </p><p>My son is quite intelligent. He is going into the 3rd grade this fall. While he was in second grade he read at a 5th grade level. All of his assesments indicate that he is one of the brighter students in his class. And again, his behavior at school has been normal. There have been instances where he feels that he can do what he wants, when he wants. After talking with me, the teacher employed what I suggested and he corrected. He gets along with the other students pretty well, no issues that come to mind. </p><p> </p><p>He has instances of displaying rude behavior at school. This happened twice. The first time was just before winter break. The kids had exchanged gifts at random (boys bought for boys, girls for girls). My son didnt' like what he got, so began crying and was noticibly angry over his gift. It was so obvious that the teacher contacted me about it to let me know what happened. For that, if it's wrong it's wrong, I made him write a letter of apology and read it to the class when they got back form break. </p><p> </p><p>The other instance was when the teacher was playing a music CD that she personally brought for the kids. It was music for children and the other kids liked to dance and sing to it. On several occasions he expressed a dislike for it. Well, the last time this happened he said to his friends "This song is stupid and so are you!" This was loud enough for the teacher to hear. Knowing the situation, she contacted me right away. </p><p> </p><p>Now, just in case you are thinking that the teacher is an awful person, I requested that she tell me when these things happened so that I could respond to it.</p><p> </p><p>If he doesn't win games he gets upset and frustrated. If he doesn't get his way he will sulk and pout, and then let his frustrations out on others. Not violent, but backtalking and rude delivery of his statements.</p><p> </p><p>On average he gets along well with the step-brother. For the most part they act like siblings, with the normal sbling rivalry and bickering. On occasion it has escalated to one or the other crying and decrying something as unfair. </p><p> </p><p>Our daughter is something a little different. We are protective of her as she is small and defensless. Due to my son being sneaky and manipulative, we have erred on the side of caution and kept my son at some distance from her. Simply put, we can't trust him with her because we can't trust him to do what we say when we aren't around. We let him interact with her as long as one or both of us are present, but not alone. He likes her, and has expressed no form of negative feelings toward her. He smiles at her, and tries to get her to laugh. I don't see much wrong with him in that department. </p><p> </p><p>The one thing we did notice is that he seemed overinterested in her genitalia. He made the comment that he "wants to see her butt." We disuaded this quickly and he keeps his distance.</p><p> </p><p>We have made progress with my son, that is what gets me to think that this is able to be dealt with. He used to throw tantrums and yell and scream. He hasn't done that for over a year now.</p><p> </p><p>He takes his punishment now without whining or complaint. We had significant issues with him lying. He "appears" to have learned that lesson and has been telling the truth more and more even when it get him in trouble. He now understands that if he lies it only makes it worse, rather than telling the truth and getting less punishement.</p><p> </p><p>What prompted him getting everything taken out, was a series of events over a two month period of time. We kept telling him that his behavior was going to get him there. Well it did. When he was babysat last Tues. he was grounded to his room for the day. He had all of his toys and books at the time, so he had plenty to keep him occupied and entertained. The only rule was he had to stay in his room until he was called down by the babysitter. When we come home, we find that he came down numerous times on his own to ask questions and to show the babysitter his things. When we found out, that was the straw that broke the camel's back. It is at that point I took all of his stuff and put in the closet. Now, once he has behaved for a reasonable period of time, he will earn back his stuff a little at a time. That is the plan.</p><p> </p><p>I have made great strides at being consistent in his discipline. I wasn't so good at it, as I felt sorry for my son for a long time. I can't do that anymore because I don't want to cripple him.</p><p> </p><p>He reponds to what I have dubbed a zero-tolerance policy. If he's done' something wrong or inappropriate. I explain why, make him restate it, and then inform him the next time he does it there will be no warning only punishment. Believe it or not, he does in fact respond to this. He remembers not to do it again. Ususually he tests the boundary a few times, to see if it is actually there. Once he realizes that it is there to stay, he stops.</p><p> </p><p>I will look into a neuro-psychiatric assessment and see what can be done.</p><p> </p><p>MDW- The grandparents smoked weed, I think the Grandfather still does. His mothers family are all difficult people, who are more than likely undiagnosed. His development was on par with his peers, accelertated in some areas. He has speech issues (pronunciation), and is a little shorter than others his age.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>To all others, thanks for the responses. At least I know I'm not alone now.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="KYDad, post: 279879, member: 7548"] Oh boy. I wasn't quite prepared for the responses I'm afraid. Let me see if I can clarify myself. It wasn't an issue of "indulgence" (poor choice of words) so much as no follow up to saying no. No would be repeated, over and over and over but nothing was ever done to enforce the no. This was my wife, her parents, and her sister who all did this. It was ok to them to threaten a punishment, with no follow through. Eventually, any parent must back up their words with some action so the child understands that the word represents an action that "could" come their way if they don't stop what they are doing. This was not the case with their family. Eventually, after hearing "no" enough (which was around about the fifth or sixth time) I would intervene and enforce the no. According to them I was being too harsh. I think it is harsh not to follow up, because to not do so would be to confuse the child into thinking that there are no consequences for inappropriate actions. Ok, the treasured issue. He wasn't really treasured, he was allowed to do whatever he wanted to do. The adults (in her family) did what the children wanted. They were cruise directors really. They were the source of entertainment, food, snacks, candy, toys. You name it. They were not taught any form of respect for adults. I witnessed son's cousin yell at his mom "You're stupid" with absolutely no response from his mother. None. This is an incident that was repeated over and over again. It wasn't treasured, it was put upon a pedestal and revered. That is not what most people would determine to be normal by any degree of standard. OK, what the heck is a difficult child? I like to think myself a resonably intelligent person, but I can't figure this out. Thank you Marguerite for your repsonse. It was quite insightful. Let me elaborate on the areas that you are missing. My son is quite intelligent. He is going into the 3rd grade this fall. While he was in second grade he read at a 5th grade level. All of his assesments indicate that he is one of the brighter students in his class. And again, his behavior at school has been normal. There have been instances where he feels that he can do what he wants, when he wants. After talking with me, the teacher employed what I suggested and he corrected. He gets along with the other students pretty well, no issues that come to mind. He has instances of displaying rude behavior at school. This happened twice. The first time was just before winter break. The kids had exchanged gifts at random (boys bought for boys, girls for girls). My son didnt' like what he got, so began crying and was noticibly angry over his gift. It was so obvious that the teacher contacted me about it to let me know what happened. For that, if it's wrong it's wrong, I made him write a letter of apology and read it to the class when they got back form break. The other instance was when the teacher was playing a music CD that she personally brought for the kids. It was music for children and the other kids liked to dance and sing to it. On several occasions he expressed a dislike for it. Well, the last time this happened he said to his friends "This song is stupid and so are you!" This was loud enough for the teacher to hear. Knowing the situation, she contacted me right away. Now, just in case you are thinking that the teacher is an awful person, I requested that she tell me when these things happened so that I could respond to it. If he doesn't win games he gets upset and frustrated. If he doesn't get his way he will sulk and pout, and then let his frustrations out on others. Not violent, but backtalking and rude delivery of his statements. On average he gets along well with the step-brother. For the most part they act like siblings, with the normal sbling rivalry and bickering. On occasion it has escalated to one or the other crying and decrying something as unfair. Our daughter is something a little different. We are protective of her as she is small and defensless. Due to my son being sneaky and manipulative, we have erred on the side of caution and kept my son at some distance from her. Simply put, we can't trust him with her because we can't trust him to do what we say when we aren't around. We let him interact with her as long as one or both of us are present, but not alone. He likes her, and has expressed no form of negative feelings toward her. He smiles at her, and tries to get her to laugh. I don't see much wrong with him in that department. The one thing we did notice is that he seemed overinterested in her genitalia. He made the comment that he "wants to see her butt." We disuaded this quickly and he keeps his distance. We have made progress with my son, that is what gets me to think that this is able to be dealt with. He used to throw tantrums and yell and scream. He hasn't done that for over a year now. He takes his punishment now without whining or complaint. We had significant issues with him lying. He "appears" to have learned that lesson and has been telling the truth more and more even when it get him in trouble. He now understands that if he lies it only makes it worse, rather than telling the truth and getting less punishement. What prompted him getting everything taken out, was a series of events over a two month period of time. We kept telling him that his behavior was going to get him there. Well it did. When he was babysat last Tues. he was grounded to his room for the day. He had all of his toys and books at the time, so he had plenty to keep him occupied and entertained. The only rule was he had to stay in his room until he was called down by the babysitter. When we come home, we find that he came down numerous times on his own to ask questions and to show the babysitter his things. When we found out, that was the straw that broke the camel's back. It is at that point I took all of his stuff and put in the closet. Now, once he has behaved for a reasonable period of time, he will earn back his stuff a little at a time. That is the plan. I have made great strides at being consistent in his discipline. I wasn't so good at it, as I felt sorry for my son for a long time. I can't do that anymore because I don't want to cripple him. He reponds to what I have dubbed a zero-tolerance policy. If he's done' something wrong or inappropriate. I explain why, make him restate it, and then inform him the next time he does it there will be no warning only punishment. Believe it or not, he does in fact respond to this. He remembers not to do it again. Ususually he tests the boundary a few times, to see if it is actually there. Once he realizes that it is there to stay, he stops. I will look into a neuro-psychiatric assessment and see what can be done. MDW- The grandparents smoked weed, I think the Grandfather still does. His mothers family are all difficult people, who are more than likely undiagnosed. His development was on par with his peers, accelertated in some areas. He has speech issues (pronunciation), and is a little shorter than others his age. To all others, thanks for the responses. At least I know I'm not alone now. [/QUOTE]
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