New here

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Lass, Apr 17, 2007.

  1. Lass

    Lass New Member

    hi everyone new here and thought id post
    well today has been a bad day,ma son has been supended today due to his behaviour at school.He refused to do school work then started to be rude,difiant and wouldnt listen to teachers this was him in 45 mins got a call from them
    I ended going to the school as i have a meet up with parents there ,when i arieved he was there with the head explaing he was suspended and hell come to my home tomorow what will happen in other words dont know if hell be back or what the hecks gonna happen,all the time was there he was rude,refusing what to be told,i was in tears and in a state due to my anxity so evently after he calemd down took an hr we came home,had a chat with him he remebers everything he did and his question to why was beaucase he was only going to have 5 mins on easy child for reward to doing some work,he is not in main stream but in a few hrs a day if he even does that,also he mention reason why his does this with me and school is because hes done it for yrs hmmmmmm,he dont do it with his father and wondered why and this is what he explained so i think well how do i change this
    thanks for reading this no sure what else to write at mo,i am so drained as usal
     
  2. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Hi Lass
    Welcome. I'm a newbie too, been here less than a week. This board is fantastic and there are many warrior parents with plenty of advice.
    Just know you are not alone. Sending hugs your way.
     
  3. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Welcome to the board Lass :smile:

    difficult child's can certainly be draining.

    Can you give us some background info on your son? Is he in a treatment program or on medication? What type of help is he receiving at school? That sort of thing.

    Sounds like if something is working for his father to keep his behavior under control, you might want to have a talk to see if you could try some of the same methods.

    Hugs
     
  4. SRL

    SRL Active Member

    HI Lass,

    I'm glad that you found us. How old is your oldest son? Does he have an IEP?
     
  5. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Welcome aboard. I hope you find this cyber family as supportive
    and reassuring as most of us do. Glad to have you. DDD
     
  6. Lass

    Lass New Member

    Thanks for repling back
    Ok my son has just turned 13,
    ok ill explain best i can,when he was little he didnt sleep,he used to bang his head of walls and floors when he was at the terrible 2's,when he started playgroup he hut a teacher as he didnt want to do something with her,he had a stutter at age of 4 but this eventualy stopped but he had speach problems and got help at school but was stopped as they said he was ok
    When he started school he didnt listen very good,stuggled with work,homework was a nightmare,fighting and couldnt explain himself was aslways dont know he still does this even now,when he was 5 i asked him to be refered to a pscoligist to find out why he behaved the way he did they just said he was polite and did listen,so it was stopped,as time went past he got worse at home and school so we went back again this time to be told he had conduct disorder which i found out later in a letter from another specialist who came to my home 3 times and did an asesment wich he mentioned he was on borderline ADHD,signs of autism,nothing else done
    He was assed for school work when he was 9 his reading,writing was of a 7yr and school pscoligist mentioned dsylexia nothing they could do as nearest help was 40 miles away so this was dropped
    When he was 9 he was expelled from the school due to him banging his head trashing the room,many ocations before this i used to get a phone call to come and ge him due to his behaviour being silly in class,shouting out,anoying others,repeating words ,shouting,refusing probably know all the signs,even sometimes he wasnt allwed back till 5 mins at luch and 5 mins before 9 so he wouldnt fight,the other chirldren picked on him knew he was an easy target and he would get blame one time my son even went and said might as well take blame as no one believes me an example he stuck up for a lad whos shoes was getting thrown around he got it and gave back brilliant i said but the other boys mouthed off at him he stuck up his finger and he was in trouble,the way the teacher disiplined him was by taking him into another class and asked if they wanted a lyer hence they said no,my son lyed 4 times but caught out as she said what finger and he did it ,well when this was mentioned my husband went mad at a meeting with them and said this did not help his self estemm to her reply supose not,i used to be told he wernt happy,a sad child and made me feel like a bad mum
    ok im blabbering
    When he was expelled he was put to another school but in a room with a teacher who is supose to help children with behaviour challanges ill call it,this did not work so he had one to one and even this he pressed the buttons,he attacked teacher due to him not wanting to do things and yet again expelled for a week under the understanding he got back and did what he was told so he got back
    He was in this school for 2 yrs.He was only in a limated time,if he did some work he would get a reward by playing a game,a book or something he would like to do for a limated time
    Ok he is now in secondary school started aug last year,he has been expelled once for a week and today he is suspended
    When he first started he was put into main he was fine for a month then boom he relised aint be easy he said i cant play as first few weeks is settling in,he is now in a room and has one to one even this is only a few hrs one day he goes in 9 till 11 and in this time he can exploid ill call it,
    Now as for medications he isnt on any we have never been offered in fact was told there is no medication in uk for this,i refused to go back to pscoligist as in all the time we saw them it was me and hubby eplaining what was happening at home and school,they saw him 4 times since he was 5,last time we went they said he had ODD,agression but wouldnt put it in writing,i asked for this as i blame myself and needed it for th school,i went to docs 2 weeks ago and got her to look up his notes and in black and white startes he has Sever ODD,Agression and something else,i will be getting a copy of this as i forgot to ask last time i saw her,the school pscoligist is getting him refered back to these people to help him wich he should have got yrs ago,
    Myself have been let down by so called experts,social workers ,docs but i am still here fighting way for my son

    ok as to his dad this is his step dad,he has always been firmer than me and dont give in to him and my son knows this and dont bother trying as he knows he wont get far,as for myself i wasnt consitent,i am weak due to my depression and no much confidence and he knows my buttons to press
    sorry this is very long,hope i aint bored yas,there is more to the story but better stop,oh and sorry for ma spelling
    thanks for reading and am glad i have somewhere to come and read others storries and even hopefully find suport,tips and friends
    hugs to yas
     
  7. realangel

    realangel New Member

    Lass

    sending hugs your way.

    I am only just getting help for my son and he is 16 .. no medication was ever offered for us either.. maybe the UK way is rubbish?? lol

    You have found a great site, there are many wonderful people here who will give you words of comfort, support and wisdom.

    Welcome!
     
  8. lordhelpme

    lordhelpme New Member

    sounds like my day today!!

    welcome to a place that can be the calm in the storm.
     
  9. SRL

    SRL Active Member

    It sounds like your son has just been passed on to schools and specialists without getting answers that will help.

    There are medications that can be helpful for aggression. A psychologist can't prescribe medications but a psychiatrist can. A child who has been expelled and is on reduced school days for aggression should be evaluated for medications.

    Has he ever been seen by a neurologist to check for seizures or other brain abnormalities that could be contributing? This would also be another place to look for some possible help with medications.
     
  10. panda

    panda New Member

    hugs your way, that sounds like how my son treats me, he likes to make me feel like a bad mom as well. hang in there, maybe they will figure something out soon for you
     
  11. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Welcome, Lass.

    It would be interesting if it ever became possible to put our sons side by side - I see a lot of similarity. it may be superficial, or it may be that your son IS a lot like mine.

    A few comments - you describe him as having some speech problems which the school initially treated, then they stopped because his speech was fine, but he still had troubles understanding.
    This sounds like language delay to me, and to stop treatment because his speech is OK is wrong. There is a big difference between speech and language.

    An example I often give - when difficult child 3 was a pre-schooler, we had neighbours with a son who was about a year older. A dear little boy, Steven - but one day he had a drowning accident which left him badly brain-damaged. Steven was in hospital for most of a year, the doctors expected him to be in a vegetative state - they thought he was, for a long time, because he was failing to respond to t heir instructions or questions. What they didn't know was that Steven had been brought up bilingual - Spanish & English. He WAS responding when spoken to in Spanish, but it is an uncommon language in Australia.
    Two years later - Steven had a lot of physical problems and was totally aphasic - absolutely no speech whatsoever. But he would respond to instructions, his eyes would light up when he saw familiar people, and he would 'get' a joke and laugh. He was using a computer and could recognise some words as he saw them written - this was within normal range for written word recognition for his age. Basically, Steven had NO speech but normal language development.

    Contrast to difficult child 3. He was highly musical, he would listen to songs on the radio and could mimic the entire song, compete with various background sounds which imposed themselves onto the words when he sang them. The words in his songs were recognisable but sounded 'blurred', like a child taught a song in a foreign language, who has no understanding of what the song means. In speech, difficult child 3 would not respond to instructions unless they were VERY simple and you had his full attention - he spoke lots of 'jargon' speech (his sister called it 'talking in scribble') but there was little or no meaningful communication.

    Steven had a speech problem. difficult child 3 had a language problem.

    Do you see the difference?

    difficult child 3 developed language, through learning to read (unusual - it's called hyperlexia). He still can learn a new word through hearing it, but usually it's through reading it somewhere, either in a comic book or reading subtitles on a DVD. difficult child 3 has scored in t e normal range for language (expressive as well as receptive) for many years now. It is the HISTORY of language delay that is an important signpost in autism diagnosis.

    difficult child 3 has had a lot of clashes at school, but because he had a diagnosis of autism before he began school, they had to recognise that a lot of behaviour problems are a facet of autism, they're not naughtiness. We took him out of school eventually, at least partly because there are always some teachers who don't understand and who don't want to, who treat this as naughtiness and punish the child when often it's their own failure to understand that has led to the child having a rage. difficult child 3 also gets very anxious, and a common response to his anxiety can be interpreted as misbehaviour, rudeness or rage. Mishandling of this will cause escalation to the point of physical violence.

    I strongly urge you to get him assessed. You will need past records, including school records of language development and what they were working on with speech. Try to do more than just a school assessment - this is going to be tricky and I don't think the school has the facilities to dig deep enough. You need someone highly skilled for this, as he is 13 and has already adapted to his disability, whatever it is. This adaptation can mask the underlying disorder. The brighter the child, the more it is masked. This can look like they're no longer disabled, but this is a false image - it just means they can fake it well. They may not even be able to realise they are faking it until you sit and talk. difficult child 2 used to think everybody was like him.

    So get early reports together. Get all school results, incident reports, previous assessments and doctors letters together. You probably need another speech pathology assessment (even if he now assesses as normal - I'm betting the expert will only find something very subtle, the last vestige of an early language delay) and a full, thorough psychometric assessment. if the school has done one in the past two years, take the detailed results to another psychologist who can do any remaining tests (this saves money, time and over-testing). A psychologist is also worth talking to about the social difficulties he is experiencing, but you may need a different psychologist - they often sub-specialise. But there's no harm in asking.

    You may also then need a pediatrician or child psychiatrist.

    I'm telling you what WE would need in Australia, because the picture is different in the US and I know your health care system is more like ours. Others here will give you the US picture - use whatever you can from either, whatever is relevant. But you need a confirmed diagnosis so you can get help. Right now he's being punished instead of helped. He is lashing out because he doesn't know what else to do. Anger and frustration are common. Depression becomes an even bigger issue in teen years.

    And something to consider - check out the Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) questionnaire on http://www.childbrain.com. It's not officially diagnostic, but it can help gel ideas for you. You can also print out the results and take it to the experts for THEIR consideration. We can't diagnose on this site. The Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) questionnaire cannot diagnose either, it has to be taken on board with a lot of other things, but it can give you a hint.

    And for behaviour problems - get hold of "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. It was amazing how much it helped us. others here swear by it. Some people here didn't find it helped a lot, to keep it in perspective, but it's always worth a read. There is a discussion on it on Early Childhood forum on this site.

    Good luck! Glad you found us!

    Marg
     
  12. Stella Johnson

    Stella Johnson Active Member

    Just wanted to add my welcome. :smile: Glad you found us.

    Steph
     
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