New here

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by loopy, May 13, 2011.

  1. loopy

    loopy New Member

    Hope this is the right place to post my introduction!

    My husband and I adopted 6 children, one infant adoption and the others as older children with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). Now all but two are adult.
    My issues today are centered around my adult children; the children at home have issues but I have discovered that these issues become all the more hard to cope with once the children become adults and their problems move into a more public arena. What was once confined to our family, is now pretty much public property. I´m sure many of you reading this will be nodding by now...
    My eldest child is 24. He was thrown out of our home three years ago following very abusive behaviour including coming home drunk, refusing to help in any way. Ignoring family events such as birthdays and even christmas - he stayed in bed all christmas day, got up at 2pm and went to a bar with his friends. Didnt think he´d done anything wrong. No gifts for his little sisters. Nothing. Was adopted at 5, in care before that, and abused while in care. Disliked or even hated us from the very begining. Lovely, charming and sucessful in the outside world. Abusive, bullying and sexually inappropriate at home. Lies, steals and blames us for everything.
    Now lives just down the road from us and tells everyone that we were abusive to him, we were cruel to him because he is adopted, and he was treated as a slave at home.
    Now , for me here is the most painful part; there are many people here who believe him. People who have never met us, who know nothing about us. They see this charming young man and they believe everything he says. I have even had people spit on me in the street. He has dubbed our home with leave town written in red, he has got some of his friends to attack his older sister. Always he is careful not to be implicated.
    I have another child slightly younger who drinks way too much and is into drugs. Doesn´t work and has no plans to find work. He is still living with us. Even this is used by my elder son who tells everyone that this is because we are such bad parents.
    This is a child I raised, loved and took care of. I am sad, angry, afraid and tired in equal measure. I know many of you here will have problems too and I look forward to meeting you and finally being with people who understand.
    Thank you for reading this long intro. With best wishes to you all.
  2. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    welcome to the board but I am so sorry you had to find us under such sad circumstances.

    you are certainly not alone. It seems many parents of adoptive kids go through things like. I cant say I know how you feel because I dont. My own pain in the butt is my own Im sorry to At least you can say, well his biomom must have abused drugs and alcohol while she was carrying him, he sure didnt get it from ME! I think I would pull that card on him if he wants to point out how bad you were. Im sure you are a far sight better than where he came from or he would still be there!

    Of course my thoughts might not be worth a hill of beans right now. I have been up all night with a tooth
  3. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Welcome to the board and yes you have come to the right place. I think most of us on this board understand. I think adoption issues really add to the issues kids may already have... and since he was 5 when you adopted him then there are the attachment and whatever his past history brings. So know that we understand you are not a bad parent, especially given that he was already 5 when you adopted him... my guess is by that time he already had problems.

    We adopted both of our kids basically at birth. One is an easy great kid and we have a great relationship even though she is totally a normal teenager. My son has been difficult from very early on and we have dealt with a lot of the behaviors you describe including major substance abuse issues. I know adoption issues are big for him but I don't think he is dealing with them right now. At the moment he is doing somewhat better and I think he is sober.... but he has been through a lot to get there and we shall see what happens. I am very much in a wait and see place.

    What you are going through with others is pretty awful... and it is just so easy to believe the charming wonderful kid if you don't have a sense of the parents. We live in a pretty well off town and anyone who knows my son I am sure has an opinion and probably even some of those who only know of him. It can be embarrassing... geez our kids don't want us to embarras them but don't realize how much their actions embarras us!!! I am lucky enough because enough people know me and I have been pretty open about the situation so that at least to my face people don't say anything and I have gotten a lot of support.

    If you haven't already I would recommend finding an good alanon meeting, especially one for parents. I have found this to be hugely hugely helpful.

    Again welcome..... sorry you had to find us but we are here to listen and understand.
  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Welcome to the board.

    There are many parents here dealing with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) and similar situations.

    You've landed in a wonderful place.

  5. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

  6. loopy

    loopy New Member

    Thank you for your replies and welcome. It is just so good to find a place where people can understand.
    My ds 1 is on a mission to destroy us. He is also sucking in ds 2, who still lives at home. ds2 has alcohol problems and so ds1 makes a point of giving him drinks and money whenever they meet in bars in the town. This serves ds1 well. He gets to look big in front of his friends, giving his lil´ brother money and drinks ( because his adoptive parents are too mean and evil to provide). He also gets to cause even more chaos at home even though he no longer lives with us. We are the ones who have to deal with ds2 when he comes home drunk. Ds1 gets to bother us, and ensure that his brother is also on the wrong path , all in one hit. I believe that ds1 wants to destroy all of us. He blames us for everything. He told me to my face that his childhood was ´hell´. He refuses to see that his bullying, stealing, lying and abuse of his sisters may have caused a problem or two also!!
    Although I have a great circle of friends here I really would like to leave and start somewhere new. I dont believe that ds1 will ever give me peace. I am tired of the people who want to believe him. My husband doesnt agree. He wants to stay and tough it out. He seems to think that the truth always wins in the end, but Im not so sure. People dont know what they are dealing with when they get sucked into planet ds1. I believe him to be a psychopath. When I look back over his childhood, he always just took care of himself. If another kid got hurt, it meant nothing to him. No empathy, no remorse , nothing. Just took what he could. But if anyone outside the home called by, he would change in an instant. He could turn on the charm, ask how they were, fetch them a drink etc. Only a very few people outside our family have seen him minus the mask.
    I feel like I am in a war, and I long for peace. The two youngest are still at school and although they have issues, they do little things for me and I enjoy being around them. They too are hurt by ds1. The youngest is just 9 and she cant understand why he wont call her. Ds3 also Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) is also still at home and like ds2 refuses to find work. They are 20 and 22. Another issue I need to be dealing with. Honestly, I would probably insist they find work or leave, but I just know that DS1 will use this, and go around saying , see, what I said is true - they hate us kids and just want us all out of the house!
    Im reading all your stories here, and although its good to feel Im not alone, its soooo sad to know how many are suffering with the behaviours of their children.
    I would just love one day when nothing bad happens.
    love to you all,
  7. Jena

    Jena New Member

    just wanted to jump in and welcome you! you have found a great place.....

  8. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    Welcome, Loopy! I too have adopted chidren. difficult child 2 was sucked into the druggie life style when he was 16. He ran away and lived on the street, in cars, couch surfed, etc. "because we were lousy parents". His girlfriend got him to call CPS on me. This was made even more painful because we were living in a very small community in Maine and my husband was sometimes asked to testify in child abuse cases since he was one of the two radiologists in town.

    He told people that husband was "p***y whipped", showed up at the hospital to bully his exhausted and embarrassed father into giving him money. DHS of Maine put him on food stamps. I felt afraid to go to the supermarket because I thought all eyes were on me. He was begging for money in that supermarket one day and I informed him in a loud voice that, not only would I not help support his drugged up girlfriend, but that his family had stock in the corporation that owned said supermarket. By a strange coincidence the girlfriend's aunt was on line behind me, she was visiting from MA and asked if I needed a hug. She told me in a loud voice that her niece deserved to be in jail because she was a thief and had broken her mother's heart. That felt like a sign from God that I was not alone.

    The upside of our story is that he is getting married in a month and has a job. He calls us, worries about us when he doesn't hear from us. He admits that he made lousy choices and that his life would have been easier if he had stayed home and we had put him through technical school.

    The downside is that there is a bench warrant out for his arrest here in MD. SIGH.

    Frankly, Loopy, the next time some holier than thou ignoramus spits on you, you should have him/her arrested for assault.
  9. elizabrary

    elizabrary Member

    Welcome! I have gone through the same thing as you with my difficult child telling people awful things about me. It drove me crazy, but I just ignored it. Most of these people found out the truth about her after she got what she wanted out of them and moved on her merry way. It was terrible though and she was very good at convincing people because she is such a charming, intelligent manipulator. Just know that it all comes round eventually and try to focus on yourself. Detaching (and my 3 wonderful dogs!) has saved my life and sanity, although I am still very much a work in progress with that. These boards help me tremendously when I am at a loss, as all the people here really understand what you are going through. Glad you found us!
  10. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    At the very least, I would draw up some hard and fast household rules. Don't sweat the small stuff, but no drug use and no violence should be requirements for starters.

    18 year olds:
    For the most part, if your 18 year old refuses to cooperate, I would pay for them to get some mental health counseling, give them a second chance, but then show them the door if the inappropriate behavior continues. And I would do so, without any regret. Do NOT put up with abuse.

    21 year olds:
    At age 21, such young adults in my humble opinion, should either be OUT of the home OR FULLY cooperating AND making at least SOME CONTRIBUTION in some way. It doesn't have to be major, but it should be SOMETHING. Otherwise, at 21, they should go as well. If you can't get the to leave voluntarily, seek legal counsel.

    Make sure you document all threats and false accusations with your child's physician. Offer substance abuse treatment and/or counseling to your children who participate in drug use/abuse or who are suffering from depression. Call the legal authorities if you feel threatened. Shake your emotions out of this. Don't run away. Don't be ashamed and don't worry about it....but at the same time, limit who you talk to about what is going on. Believe me, most will eventually figure out that these kids are telling tall tales.

    Hang on tight to your spouse. Consider reading a book called Boundaries by Townsend. Do your very best not to think about these kids when they were little. Let them know that there are rules to follow and you expect them to follow them. Sure, it is a loss for you and it is very hard. But it makes matters worse if you concentrate on this loss. Hopefully, in time, they will get healthier. You can not force this.

    Consider going to Al Anon or Families Anonymous for group support and to discover from other parents what resources there are in your local community.
    Lasted edited by : May 15, 2011
  11. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    Welcome, loopy. You'll find a great deal of support and some really amazing advice here. Many difficult children lie and rewrite history. I used to exhaust myself calling my daughter out on her lies, reasoning with her and doing what I thought was necessary damage control with others. But, finally , I hit upon an interesting truth: Liars will lie themselves into a corner. All you really have to do is maintain a dignfied silence and continue doing what you are doing with your other kids. Don't worry about what others think (easier said than done, i know) and wait patiently. He will out himself. My difficult child told all sorts of lies to my x Integrated Listening Systems (ILS) about how my obsessive overprotectiveness. She then went to college in their community - seven hours away from here. Before long, she was lying to them, using their cars to meet guys she'd met on the internet, claiming to have straight As (and claiming I bereted her constantly - when I actually never mentioned grades between sememsters) and promptly flunked out. They figured it AALLLL out....and they believed her, too.

    It IS hard, but hold your head up high and wait.

  12. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Hi Loopy,

    Welcome to the Board! Hugs for your pain, hugs for your sons pain, maybe it doesn't seem like it - but WOW the anger there is so huge, so magnified, and so frustrated. Can you imagine? No, of course you can't. You weren't given up at birth. How lucky for you to have parents that actually kept you and didn't put you somehwere to fend for yourself basically, make you wonder in the back of your mind ALWAYS what it was that you did wrong to make them not love you, not want you, not need you. (shrug) - Even if you do get the most wonderful parents on the planet? (says in echoing soft voice) It's still in your subconscious......and I know I'm right by the way he's self-destructing himself Oh yeah - and by the way he's taking it out on you.

    Truth is? He's not really mad at you? He loves you, maybe even more than he realizes or would ever care to admit, but oh GOD if he did? Then that would be such a betrayal! But to WHOM? (looks around almost as if in a horror movie) his parents of course - you know the parents that gave him up for adoption because that old sub conscious in the back of his mind - the one that he isn't EVEN AWARE is doing the talking to him - is like the little angel and devil on his shoulder having a conversation with his pyche all the time battling it out - saying "I bet if you just stood over there and rebeled a little - they'd see you and they'll come back." and then the good angel pops up and says "Oh you are a worthless son-shame on you -" and then he drinks, and drinks and drinks to forget. Then the bad one drags his younger one in and it starts all over again. And you know whats even worse? He has NO CLUE why he's doing this. Crazy huh?

    I had the most fantastic life after foster care.....after being dumped......and I made my life a living hades. I made one bad decision after another, after another. OM - it was like - (smack, smack, smack) WHY Star, why do you make all these stupid decisions? Why are you such and idiot?) I swear if they had had all this Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), BiPolar (BP) blah blah back when I was a kid? I have no doubts I'd still be in Bellview or someplace - because I think I was nuts. I mean I looked okay, I was not a 'problem' child. Oh LORD my Mom wouldn't have allowed that.....but I walked a fine line between heaven and hell....and when I got out on my own? Whhhhhhhhhhoooooo. Then I made one bad decision after another, dated looser after looser and then married their King.....and finally got therapy.....and after 15 years of it? I got to the crux of all this junk - and it was ------dat dah da dahhhhhh ------the adoption and being abandoned, and dumped and all that other junk. Who KNEW? I sure didn't. If you asked me I was FINE with being adopted. If you asked me under hypnosis? MAN O MAN was I a friggin mess. WOW. Say it again......WOW.

    And angry - WOW - like to the - well pie squared would be close. But WOW. So yeah - The one that's out and spraying your house? Well - Personally? I think you would benefit from seing a therapist who has and deals with kids who are adopted and stuff like that. Someone who can get into their heads and help them with the anger and go back layer by layer year by year - because it just isnt the NOW anger - it's YEARS and YEARS - like back to birth and just sitting around the kitchen table isnt going to cut it - this isn't a discussion YOU can have with your sons anyway - or at least the younger one. But Take him now - and gethim some help - even better if you find a therapist that deals in EMDR therapy. it's awesome. It's not quackery - but you have to find someone that's been doing it for a long time and is good. It helped me a ton.

    I'm still me - and I'm outspoken - and all that - but not angry and edgy and irritable about past things. I'm very much at peace and very much making way better decisions in my life and about my life. I also had no clue I had issues with my birth parents (not just bio mom like everyone says - I had major issues with birth dad too apparently) and now? I have nothing to say but - THANKS ......I have a great life - and I love my Mom. Have no desire to run and find siblings - or health issues - or any of the excuses - just want to be left alone - and live my life. It feels very good. I wish that for your kids too. And you.