New Here

[StressedM0mma]

Hello all. I am new here, but unfortunately not new to the issues you all are going through. My husband and I are at the end of our rope with our difficult child 14. She has always dealt with anxiety,, and was on Celexa for years. We dealt with the anger outbursts as they came, and moved on. But as she has gotten older, things have gotten worse. Much worse. This June I stumbled onto the face that she was cutting. She was hiding it from everyone by doing it on her upper thighs. Went to her pediatrician., and he thought it would be best to change her medications to zoloft. Also we started with counceling. By August, her councelor felt she no longer needed to see her. I naively thought things were going well. Huge mistake.
Fast forward to the start of school. My normally straight A student is now flunking out of High School. Literally. She is refusing to do her homework. Refusing to get up and get ready for school. I wake up completely stressed out every single morning waiting to see if she is going to be compliant, or if I am going to have to jump through hoops.
It is beginning to cause problems in every aspect of our lives. My older daughter is trying to prepare apps. for college, and she is always worried what type of home life she is going to walk into. I want to sit and cry most days because my hands feel so tied. My husband is just done. And on top of everything I am terrified. I am scared I will never get my daughter back.
Sorry this doesn't make much sense. I am just sort of pouring it out here while I am waiting to see if she will be ready to leave for school on time this morning, or if it will once again be somehow twisted around to how it is not her fault that she couldn't get up, and how if I only did this... she would be ready.
Please tell me that once we see the psychiatrist that things will begin to get better. There is so much more to her story, but at this point I will have to finish later.

 

[Bunny]

Welcome to the board. Many people here have the same problems to deal with in their homes and you will find alot of suggestions here.

Could she be depressed? If she being bullied at school? To me, that fact that she has gone from a straight A student to failing raises a red falg for depression. I don't know how close to her sister she is. Could she be dealing with anxiety about her sister leaving for school? I would find a new therapist and start taking her. Maybe she will open up, but it might take a while. It took more than a year for my difficult child to really open up to the therapist, but now that he has, things have gotten better.

 

[buddy]

I am glad to hear you are seeing a psychiatrist. Sounds like a huge change in behavior and I hope one thing to do is a drug screen. Do it randomly so she does not just hold off before psychiatrist appointment.

In this case, if it ends up the anxiety or straight mental health issues, with no chemicals, I would have to wonder about an intensive outpatient program. They take over the school work while there so she can keep up.

Sorry you had to search for help, so very glad you found this place. There are many here who will be able to relate to your story (and sounds like you will be able to share with and support others too) so hang in there, we are just starting to wake up, smile!

Check in frequently, people here are really amazing! hugs, Buddy

 

[StressedM0mma]

Thank you all for your replies. I do not think she cares about her sister leaving. They are not very close. This morning she was refusing to go to school. I managed to get her out the door, but she told me was going to walk home during second period. She is flunking out of 2 classes, has a D in one and 2 C's and one A. We emailed school yesterday to see what we should do. This from the child that was a 4.0 last year taking classes 2 years ahead of her grade level.
She told me she just doesn't care about it. She doesn't care about anything. I am not sure she even cares about her horse we leased for her anymore. I am at a loss as what to do. She did just call and asked for a ride to an elementary school for a field trip. They are showing the animals from the zoology club. She was "happy" when I picked her up, so I guess she will be staying at school today.

And, I do not think she is using drugs, because other than school and the horse barn, she won't leave the house. But, it is something that I will keep in mind.

I guess I am just looking for someone to say it will get better, because right now it is hard to see that. When I was talking to my mom about it her answer is just "well make her do her homework." OK, I never thought of that! Sorry, But I am just so very stressed and frustrated. And scared that the psychiatrist won;t be able to help. The wait for services is unreal. We have called and called to get in, and some therapists ask your life story, and then the last thing is Oh we don't take your insurance. That is now the first question I ask. 6 more days for help to star

 

[buddy]

I have to say, I am in general an optimist and so not just saying this because you wanted it. You are an involved parent, your daughter-while having a history of some degree of mental health problems--has been able to show better. Especially if drugs are not an issue, medication may be a huge part of this as well as hormones, and therapy. You may need to ask for more intensive support. If you feel it is at that point. Depression (if that is it) sometimes requires a lot of hand holding to take each step in the day and a school probably wouldn't have the ability to do that for an acute condition.

She is blessed to have you in her corner. Keep things as low stress as possible till you get to doctor, sounds like she is may be really sick. But that would be a good thing, only in that there IS a lot of hope for depression and anxiety. in my humble opinion (not a mental health expert by any means, just my thoughts and experience)

 

[InsaneCdn]

Hormones are one factor, and they can and do affect how the medications work.
Beyond that... seems like she was doing "not bad" until this last year or so...
How far back does the cutting go?
What kind of event has happened in that timeframe? It could be something you don't even know about, or something you don't think is consequential... but there could be some sort of trigger that pushed her over the edge.

 

[Allan-Matlem]

Not easy. Your daughter is a bright kid so I would try and find an alternative to school , maybe homeschooling or at least at the moment focus on informal learning - getting out of the home , going places with an older sister, mentor, buddy-tutor etc I would focus on things that she finds interesting and engaging , also connecting with people , talking about general stuff etc. You can try and engage her about what is bothering her , don't talk about behavior - cutting or missing school , just be there as a good listener. After connecting with general stuff , reassure her that you are not telling her to do something or not do something ,you unconditionally accept her , you just want to listen and help her address her concerns What I have describeded is CPS - collaborative problem solving - Ross Greene

Parenting is Learning

 

[cubsgirl]

Welcome but sorry you had to be there.

I'm not an expert, but I was a lot like your daughter when I was a sophomore or so in high school. It was a combination of depression and boredom. Is it possible your daughter is just bored with her schoolwork and doesn't want to "waste her time" sitting in class. I know there's more going on than that, but sometimes that can contribute to the "I don't want to go to school" attitude.

It's good she's seeing a therapist now and hopefully the psychiatrist will have some sage advice and diagnosis for you.

Hang in there!

 

[Bunny]

I guess I am just looking for someone to say it will get better, because right now it is hard to see that.

I think that all of us can relate to that feeling. I know that I can. You are doing everything that you can to get her help. Hold on to that thought. You are a good mother to her. If you were not, you would not be here. Keep us posted about what the psychiatrist says and if you are able to find her a therapist.

 

[StressedM0mma]

We are going to meet with the school guidance counselor on Monday to talk about her failing 3 classes, and barely passing others. She is in all advanced classes, and we are going to suggest to her that she move down to CP (college prep) level classes instead. Not sure how she is going to take it, bit at this point that may be her only option in order to pass. She is not going to be happy at all when we tell her about the meeting.

I am holding on tightly to the fact that the psychiatrist will have some insight, and that they will be able to recommend a therapist for her. Her last therapist did nothing for her. She worked with her for 2 months and said she was doing well, and no longer needed to see her. How she came to this conclusion I will never know considering difficult child would not talk to her at all.

Hoping that Thanksgiving is manageable. We are going to my parents for a few days, and my momma seems to think that this is something that difficult child can control. That if she wanted to do her work she would, that she wouldn't act out if we made her not do it, and that we shoud just make her do her work. If only it were that easy. I can barely get her out of the door for school every morning. She can barely get herself out of bed. I have to cajole beg and practically carry out to the car. But, if I just told her to do it she would.--Huh I will try that next time mom.

Sorry for the snark, it is just the only way to get through it sometimes.

 

[Liahona]

Lots of us understand about the parenting advice from family members (or other people). We also understand that sometimes parenting these kids is hard and there isn't much you can do to get them to get out of bed and do work. Hope your holiday goes well too.