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Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by step44, Apr 15, 2015.

  1. step44

    step44 New Member

    Our Difficult Child is hub's 16 yr old son that he adopted with his ex-wife. He is addicted to pot, and we believe he recently started huffing (due to empty co2 cartridges we keep finding in his room). We were in truancy court last week (for the second time in a 2 months) due to excessive absences/refusal to attend school and the judge court ordered him to leave school and obtain his GED in the next 6 months. When he did go to school, he was constantly getting into trouble and had a long discipline folder, so I guess that helped the judge decide to remove him from school. Difficult Child has stolen money from our bedroom, so we installed a deadbolt and lock our room every time we leave the house. Then, he started stealing from one of his sisters (she is a bagger at a grocery store and gets tips, so she regularly had $$ laying around). We got her a lockbox, but then Difficult Child would toss her room, so we recently had to get her a locking doorknob that he couldn't pick. We keep wondering when we are going to come home to find our things gone. Another issue is the girlfriend. She lives very near our home and we are having trouble keeping her out of the house. Difficult Child sneaks her in when we aren't home. Sunday was the second time I have found her in his room. The first time I told her she wasn't allowed upstairs (in his room) no matter what he tells her. Sunday, I told her that she was no longer welcome in our house and if I caught her there, I would call the police. As they were leaving, Difficult Child laughed and said he would bring her back whenever he wanted. (along with an expletive or two). Hubs wasn't home, and by the time he got home, Difficult Child was long gone. Yesterday, my daughter got home from school and the girlfriend was there again and she called and told me. I told my husband and he left work to go take care of the situation. He has told Difficult Child that he is going to stay at his mother's house for a while. Maybe for good. Once we get him to his mother's house (she only lives about 15 minutes away), we plan to change the code for the garage door, and since he doesn't have a key, we can at least limit is access to our home. We don't want to "pawn" him off, but the mother pretty much encourages this behavior. I won't say she encourages the drugs, but she and I have had the typical "mother/evil stepmother" relationship and really made things difficult between the kids and me from the very beginning. I have been with my hubs for 15 years (our first date was on Difficult Child's 2nd birthday...which was also the day his divorce was final), we have been married for the last 5 years, but have only lived together for the last 4 years due to small house issues (all 3 kids have always lived with us). Both of hub's kids were adopted with his ex-wife during their marriage. They share the same birth mother, but different fathers. All parents are/were drug users and last time we even received a letter, both of Difficult Child's birth parents were in jail (but that was probably close to 10 years ago) Nevertheless, I knew the mom (ex-wife) behavior influenced the kids, they treated me a certain way and I still married my honeybuns. I did not come into this marriage blindly, so I am not looking for pity or sorrow because I am the stepmom to a difficult child. I am hoping for some positive thoughts, lots of prayers (if you are a praying person, I would love it if you said a prayer for us!) and mental support.
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Well...I'd back off the fight. He's not your child and doesn't sound like you have a good relationship with him. Your husband has to be the one who makes any decisions about him. Legally, you can't. I have three adopted kids and one took drugs but quit. The others never did and their birthmothers used drugs too. It is not inherited to use drugs. On the other hand, pesonality traits are and can influence all of our kids for the good or not.
    It is usual for mother and stepmother to get along that well, although it does happen. You married your husband the day of the divorce? That probablyl triggered more hostility.
    I think the best thing you can do for yourself, because you have no legal rights over any of these kids, is to be good to you, detach from the problems and let your husband and his ex handle it. Did your husband's children experience a lot of chaos in their first three yars? That can cause attachment issues, insecure attachment, and they can decide not to bond or listen to anyone and they can be difficult to parent.

    You did make a hard decision, but you don't have to be the one who solves the problem. In fact, you can't. Back off and let Daddy be the parent in the house. They are getting older and can eventually leave and you can have peace.

    Suggestion: I don't think this is a good time to have another child if you have been thinking about it. I just say that because many couples have trouble with older kids and then bring a baby into the picture. That puts the baby at risk and he/she is introduced into a chaotic world. Of course, you don't have to listen to my advice, but I gave it with good intentions.

    Keep us updated.
     
  3. step44

    step44 New Member

    Thank you Somewhere! No, we didn't get married on the day the divorce was final...we had our first date. As far as another child. Me? Hee hee...no. I was "spayed" years ago..sorry if I gave that impression. His adopted daughter was adopted within 3 months of birth, and since the birth mother already knew them, she reached out to them (through the adoption agency) when she became pregnant with Difficult Child and he was adopted immediately after birth.
    I do try to let my husband handle all things discipline with his kids, but I do handle things like making appointments, contacting teachers, etc. I do voice my opinion (to hubs) because what happens affects my daughter, but I do let him "be" the voice to his kids.
     
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Keep taking care of yourself, hon. No, I didn't have the imperssion you wanted to have a baby. It's just very ommon so I threw it in :) Haha spayed :)

    Keep telling yourself, "Two more years, two more years." After that your husband can decide to tell him it's time to go somewhere else if he's using drugs. And, of course, you can give him a nudge ;)
     
  5. FlowerGarden

    FlowerGarden Active Member

    Did the judge know about his drug use and not following the house rules when you went to truancy court? Does he have a probation officer? If so, maybe he can drug test him for you. The judge we had for my son's situation really helped us out and listened to what we had to say. Hope things work out for you.
     
  6. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome step-44. We adopted our daughter at birth. Her background included alcohol and drug abuse on the part of her birthmother and the birthfather's history is unknown. We have come to learn over the years that nature trumps nurture. We were naive in thinking that any obstacle she faced could be overcome by our great (LOL) parenting....NOT. There are some things inherited that just follow them no matter what. I am not saying all was lost because I really believe we have had a stabilizing influence on her and that we have made a difference.

    I tell you that because it sounds like you are dealing with a lot of the same things we did when our daughter was that age, a lot of disrespect, defiance, acting out, inappropriate sexual behavior with her boyfriend in our home, drinking and pot use. The next few years were very difficult years and included kicking her out of the house, living with druggie friends, substance abuse treatment programs and finally out on her own to sink or swim.

    I can't tell you what to do because any action you take will be difficult and there is no quick fix for his behavior. Perhaps it is better that he stay with his mother for a while. I have no hope that this will help him, it will just give you and your daughter a break for awhile. Any action that you take has to be supported by his mother and that just doesn't sound likely.

    You are not alone, many of us have dealt with the same issues. We learn from each other and I hope you find our little corner of the world helpful.
     
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