Hi Jen, welcome. I'm not sure where in the world you are, sounds like US area though, so you're probably in bed asleep by now. I'm the night shift - the Land Down Under.
Your Anthony sounds so much like my boys... difficult child 1 had me up through the night in his first 18 months. My body adapted to only getting two hours' sleep, and I was still trying to work full-time! I finally had to get sleeping pills from my GP. For me, not the baby. difficult child 1 was very clingy, terrified of animals (even cute fluffy ones)and wouldn't let us put water anywhere near his head. He went years without having his hair washed properly.
difficult child 3 - seemed a perfect baby, but we realised that he had social/language problems when he was about 2. He also seemed to be a child genius, with other things he was doing. We didn't get the hand flapping with either, but difficult child 3 would stand and look through the leaves on the trees as if mesmerised. We realised later - it was the same flicker effect.
The delivery problems you had - may have partly contributed, or may be totally coincidental. At least where Anthony is concerned. But you, on the other hand - you describe a reaction similar to mine, which was not post-natal depression, but PTSD from the difficult delivery (didn't have a caesarean but should have) plus having been through the worst bushfires in several hundred years, while in labour. I do wonder if at least a portion of the problems you experienced could have been PTSD - in which case, you may need t check it out, it's a different treatment. I did have people trying t tell me I had post-natal depression, but I wasn't depressed - I was afraid, I was angry, I felt that I had been ignored but at no time did I feel that I was not a worthwhile person. But I did have flashbacks - a mixture of fire storm and stainless steel delivery room, with the smell of smoke and disinfectant mingling. Freaky.
Back to the boys - have you had Anthony checked out for Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD)? It would be complicated by the grommets in his ears, but language delay, if it's a problem for him, may not entirely be due to hearing issues. In which case, again a different approach may be needed.
Have a look at
www.childbrain.com and look for their Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) questionnaire. It's not able to be used as a diagnostic tool, but you can print the results and ask your doctor about them. It can be interesting to think in a different way.
About your son being labelled - think about it, seriously. A kid who is hiding under a table screaming for an hour, is going to be seen as different by the other kids. You don't need a diagnosis for a kid to be labelled. But a diagnosis can give an explanation that other kids will take in their stride.
Our kids were mainstreamed. difficult child 1 didn't leave mainstream until his final year of school. difficult child 3 left in Year 6 (for us, that's the year before high school - it's part way through Middle School I think, for you). With the benefit of hindsight, I would have pulled both of them out earlier. However, the were benefits to being mainstreamed, at least for a while. However, especially with difficult child 3 we could see the social gulf widening with each passing year.
A strong suggestion - DO NOT EXPECT HIM TO PICK UP SOCIAL SKILLS BY OSMOSIS.
This is a failing by a lot of schools, a lot of teachers, a lot of school counsellors and Special Education staff - they insisted he stay in mainstream so he could have access to social interaction. But it was a disaster, beyond a certain point. That may not be a problem for you with Anthony - the people in your area may have more clues - but socialisation needs to be TAUGHT, like learning history, rather than simply shove the kid in a room with other kids and expect them to all get along. With hindsight, difficult child 3 needed supervision especially in the playground. He was bullied and it was not handled well. He IS different and it showed.
In fact, what helped the most with his classmates, in helping them to understand and be supportive, was "Sixth Sense" programme. It's a teaching tool used to explain to kids about the Sixth Sense, the social sense, and how to help someone for whom this sense is impaired. It has to be done properly - it was, when difficult child 3 was in Year 3, but when the Dept of Ed took over teaching that course in subsequent years it was so watered down (and I was excluded - I don't understand why, my presence really was valued the first time) that it was meaningless. In later years they chose to not identify the student with social skills problems (as if the other kids wouldn't know that difficult child 3 was 'weird') and by not naming anyone, not mentioning the word 'autism', not having a Q & A, the classmates had no idea why they were being told this stuff. No relevance to them at all.
Soon after the last Sixth Sense class, a classmate of difficult child 3's who we'd invited on a family picnic (with his mother) asked his mother, "Why is GFG33 different? What is his problem?"
His mother said, "He is autistic."
"What does that mean?"
"It means that he can't understand as easily as you, how people get on with each other. He doesn't read expressions well, he doesn't read body language well, he has to learn these things in a different way. He is smart at some things but needs help with other things."
She went on to ask him about his recollections of Sixth Sense - the kid couldn't connect it at all, which meant that all that time and effort had been a waste.
My boys understand about their autism as well as anybody can. We have raised them to value themselves for what they can do and to not see their inability to do certain things as a failing. They find their own ways of adapting. husband has had to adapt too. So has easy child 2/difficult child 2, who has some partial face blindness. She's developed her own way of handing this in the workplace. She works on a cash register, streams of customers flow past. She will try to find something different about each person - maybe a brooch, or the shirt they're wearing v- and comment favourably on it. That way if the customer comes back because they've forgotten a bag of shopping, she can remember them.
And where the Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) talents come in - this is not universal, but works for her - she keeps a subconscious running tally in her head, of how much money she has in her till. At the end of the day, her till always balances. She's got the best record of all the staff, on balancing her till. It also means she doesn't make mistakes when making change.
They are each very different, all gifted, all wonderful and fun people to know. It's not been easy but we're seeing rewards now.
Another reference for you - "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. A good book, very useful for understanding these kids.
What has worked well for us - accepting these kids and loving them. Trying to work out WHY they are reacting they way they do, and accommodating it (along with gently testing the waters to extend their tolerances a little).
I am amazed at how well my boys have been doing. They are taking longer to get where they have to go, but they are making progress. I'm more concerned for easy child 2/difficult child 2 at the moment. She is undiagnosed (apart from having "traits" of Asperger's) and I think lack of intervention in her case is causing us the troubles now.
Jenn, there is hope. There is also joy, delight, excitement and surprise. There are tantrums, tears, trauma as well, but that's life.
Get your husband to lurk here as well (or post in his own right) and you will find it strengthen things even more, if your relationship is as you describe. it's what has happened for me and husband, even though we thought we already had really good communication already. Now it's even better! husband doesn't post often, but you'll see him occasionally as "Marg's Man". He lurks every day, though. And we talk about you all (hey everybody - feeling paranoid yet?)
Marg
