New just wanted to say hello

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by jenn4anthony, Jan 26, 2008.

  1. jenn4anthony

    jenn4anthony New Member

    hi my name is Jenn married for the last 8 years to my devoted, loving hubby...we have a son Anthony...he is 5 years old. I joined this board in hopes of meeting some parents in order to help me get through parenting, to get some support, advice and tips....and just to feel like I have another something to look forward to in my very hectic busy life!

    Looking forward to us chatting....
  2. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Hi! Welcome to the crowd! It's usually a little slow on the weekend, but people will drop by as the night/day goes on.

    You'll get tons of support, hand-holding and big shoulders to lean on!

    Later! I've got to go to bed, all 3 will be up before 6:00 am and I still have to get a shower!

  3. daralex

    daralex Clinging onto my sanity

    Hi and welcome!
    It's such a great place this forum. Supportive, great suggestions, and lots of information. Hope you find it helpful!!!
  4. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Hi, Jenn! You have found a great place- many helpful, supportive people with lots of different experiences. The parents here have helped me so much- I don't think my difficult child and I could have survived this past year (almost a year) without them.

    Let us know a little more about yourself!
  5. jenn4anthony

    jenn4anthony New Member

    hi everyone, and thanks for the warm welcome! Thought I would tell you all a little more about my son, my husband and I.

    When I became a mom, I really got involved with being a stay at home mom, who took various classes with my together, mommy and me's, mother center, etc....very early on..i started to notice behaviors in Anthony that were not typical of what other children his age where displaying. He was very very clingy, if you will...he cried and cried..he was up every three hours for 6 husband and i were exhausted. my delivery was not what my husband and I hoped it would have been. Anthony was in distress....i was not dialiating and the doctors decided that they would break my water...well once they did that was when the trouble began. right away they noticied that anthony had swallowed marconium and my pressure was dropping and there was no heart beat from anthony!!! Needless to say....we were a wreck! I had an emergency c-section...and I could not see anthony until the next day! All I wanted to do was hold and see my little guy. My husband was besides himself as was I. anthony was in the hospital for one week, and, so was i. we got home and vinn and i were thrilled and very happy to have our little man, safe, healthy and happily at home with us.

    As I mentioned earlier, very early on, we started to notice that Anthony was not like the other babies his age. We had him enrolled in various mommy and me activities and we had him around children his age quite often, but, i will tell you our social activities slowly but surely became disasterious. I was miserable and very concerned my husband was as well. Then before you knew it, I had postpardum depression.
    I got help, got through it and am a stronger person today because of postpardum depression. I never felt like I wanted to hurt Anthony or myself, I was overwhelmed, I was not sleeping, and, felt very sped up.

    Getting back to Anthony....when Anthony was two years old, we had him tested....his eye contact was not the greatest, he flapped his arms, shook his head back and forth and was a "handful". He was tested, and, he did not qualify...we were told he feel within the grey area, to wait six months and see what happened...we waited and sure enough, Anthony qualified for services...speech, occupational therapy..he had low muscle tone, and, he also received SEIT services....special education intrient teacher...meaning, the teacher would attend his nursery and pre-K program on the days he attened which was 4 days and then 5 days and help him with his coping skills, or lack husband and i worked very closely with the director and teachers in his nursery/pre-k. they attended school district meetings with us, they wrote letter about various behaviors anthony displayed, all this went on while i was just hysterical, but, calm...i knew that we had to help anthony out, get him into the best programs within county and make sure that he was monitored daily....and we worked with him on his speech, we took him out socially every single day...there are times looking back when i think we may have overstimulated him.....then bath time started to become a nightmare...screaming, crying, he didnt want soap on him, or shampoo, certain clothes would get on his nerves....he used to play constantly with the same toys over and over again, trains...line them up....and he got frequent ear infections, he has the tubes husband and i tried out best to become informed with everything that was going on with anthony, we observed reported to the teachers at his nursery school/pre-k and worked together to help anthony succeed and reach his full potential...i must say that we were exhausted, stressed out, scared, and misunderstood. I will say that Anthony's behaviors have brought us together and made us stronger as a family and as a married couple. Anthony would scream for an hour, hide under tables or anything where he could fit under. My heart would break. Over the course of nursery and pre-k...there were many many ups and downs, through it all, vinn and i worked together and stayed strong and motivated to get anthony everything he needed to get to help him. now it was time to register him for kindergarten. we wanted anthony to be classified as a special education student in order for him to be placed in the kindergarten class with the extra aid that assists children with issues....we attened more than a dozen meetings, spoke our case, and had anthony classified and placed in the inclusion kindergarten program. then we find out that our home school....which is right around the corner, is not holding the inclusion program at the kindergarten level, the school up the street and one across town is housing the program, so we choose the school up the street...which is the better school out of the four in our first we were nervous...what will people say that know we are not zoned for the school up the block that know we are zoned for the one around the corner from our house....i really let this get to me...silly, i know, who cares what people say...but, i didnt want anyone to label my son as a problem or as a kid that there kid should stay away from. my son is not aggressive. he is kind, loving, very very sensitive (sometimes to a fault just like me!) and he is a child that is high maintenance in nature. he makes friends easily, but, clings to one or two kids constantly. we are now working closely with his kindergarten teacher, and the two aides. we are coming up with ways in which anthony can feel good about himself, and, his work. he is very hard on himself. the school social worker sees him every wednesday, for a while, anthony was saying to me or vinn, or the both of us, at bedtime, and, sometimes if got upset during the day, that he did not like himself!!! My husband and I were and are confussed. We always tell him how special he is, how much we love him and are very blessed to have him as our son. We praise him when deserved and are always honest and very loving. We are now working with a child development center on getting anthony into a social skills group and to work with us as a family....anthony's kindergarten teacher and the social worker recommended this and honestly we are thrilled that anthony will be placed in a social skills group and that we are going to get some parent couseling.

    There is so much more to tell...think i have covered most of it....i will keep you guys posted as to when the social skills group starts and when we start the parent couseling.

  6. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Hi Jen, welcome. I'm not sure where in the world you are, sounds like US area though, so you're probably in bed asleep by now. I'm the night shift - the Land Down Under.

    Your Anthony sounds so much like my boys... difficult child 1 had me up through the night in his first 18 months. My body adapted to only getting two hours' sleep, and I was still trying to work full-time! I finally had to get sleeping pills from my GP. For me, not the baby. difficult child 1 was very clingy, terrified of animals (even cute fluffy ones)and wouldn't let us put water anywhere near his head. He went years without having his hair washed properly.
    difficult child 3 - seemed a perfect baby, but we realised that he had social/language problems when he was about 2. He also seemed to be a child genius, with other things he was doing. We didn't get the hand flapping with either, but difficult child 3 would stand and look through the leaves on the trees as if mesmerised. We realised later - it was the same flicker effect.

    The delivery problems you had - may have partly contributed, or may be totally coincidental. At least where Anthony is concerned. But you, on the other hand - you describe a reaction similar to mine, which was not post-natal depression, but PTSD from the difficult delivery (didn't have a caesarean but should have) plus having been through the worst bushfires in several hundred years, while in labour. I do wonder if at least a portion of the problems you experienced could have been PTSD - in which case, you may need t check it out, it's a different treatment. I did have people trying t tell me I had post-natal depression, but I wasn't depressed - I was afraid, I was angry, I felt that I had been ignored but at no time did I feel that I was not a worthwhile person. But I did have flashbacks - a mixture of fire storm and stainless steel delivery room, with the smell of smoke and disinfectant mingling. Freaky.

    Back to the boys - have you had Anthony checked out for Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD)? It would be complicated by the grommets in his ears, but language delay, if it's a problem for him, may not entirely be due to hearing issues. In which case, again a different approach may be needed.

    Have a look at and look for their Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) questionnaire. It's not able to be used as a diagnostic tool, but you can print the results and ask your doctor about them. It can be interesting to think in a different way.

    About your son being labelled - think about it, seriously. A kid who is hiding under a table screaming for an hour, is going to be seen as different by the other kids. You don't need a diagnosis for a kid to be labelled. But a diagnosis can give an explanation that other kids will take in their stride.

    Our kids were mainstreamed. difficult child 1 didn't leave mainstream until his final year of school. difficult child 3 left in Year 6 (for us, that's the year before high school - it's part way through Middle School I think, for you). With the benefit of hindsight, I would have pulled both of them out earlier. However, the were benefits to being mainstreamed, at least for a while. However, especially with difficult child 3 we could see the social gulf widening with each passing year.
    This is a failing by a lot of schools, a lot of teachers, a lot of school counsellors and Special Education staff - they insisted he stay in mainstream so he could have access to social interaction. But it was a disaster, beyond a certain point. That may not be a problem for you with Anthony - the people in your area may have more clues - but socialisation needs to be TAUGHT, like learning history, rather than simply shove the kid in a room with other kids and expect them to all get along. With hindsight, difficult child 3 needed supervision especially in the playground. He was bullied and it was not handled well. He IS different and it showed.
    In fact, what helped the most with his classmates, in helping them to understand and be supportive, was "Sixth Sense" programme. It's a teaching tool used to explain to kids about the Sixth Sense, the social sense, and how to help someone for whom this sense is impaired. It has to be done properly - it was, when difficult child 3 was in Year 3, but when the Dept of Ed took over teaching that course in subsequent years it was so watered down (and I was excluded - I don't understand why, my presence really was valued the first time) that it was meaningless. In later years they chose to not identify the student with social skills problems (as if the other kids wouldn't know that difficult child 3 was 'weird') and by not naming anyone, not mentioning the word 'autism', not having a Q & A, the classmates had no idea why they were being told this stuff. No relevance to them at all.
    Soon after the last Sixth Sense class, a classmate of difficult child 3's who we'd invited on a family picnic (with his mother) asked his mother, "Why is GFG33 different? What is his problem?"
    His mother said, "He is autistic."
    "What does that mean?"
    "It means that he can't understand as easily as you, how people get on with each other. He doesn't read expressions well, he doesn't read body language well, he has to learn these things in a different way. He is smart at some things but needs help with other things."
    She went on to ask him about his recollections of Sixth Sense - the kid couldn't connect it at all, which meant that all that time and effort had been a waste.

    My boys understand about their autism as well as anybody can. We have raised them to value themselves for what they can do and to not see their inability to do certain things as a failing. They find their own ways of adapting. husband has had to adapt too. So has easy child 2/difficult child 2, who has some partial face blindness. She's developed her own way of handing this in the workplace. She works on a cash register, streams of customers flow past. She will try to find something different about each person - maybe a brooch, or the shirt they're wearing v- and comment favourably on it. That way if the customer comes back because they've forgotten a bag of shopping, she can remember them.
    And where the Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) talents come in - this is not universal, but works for her - she keeps a subconscious running tally in her head, of how much money she has in her till. At the end of the day, her till always balances. She's got the best record of all the staff, on balancing her till. It also means she doesn't make mistakes when making change.
    They are each very different, all gifted, all wonderful and fun people to know. It's not been easy but we're seeing rewards now.

    Another reference for you - "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. A good book, very useful for understanding these kids.
    What has worked well for us - accepting these kids and loving them. Trying to work out WHY they are reacting they way they do, and accommodating it (along with gently testing the waters to extend their tolerances a little).

    I am amazed at how well my boys have been doing. They are taking longer to get where they have to go, but they are making progress. I'm more concerned for easy child 2/difficult child 2 at the moment. She is undiagnosed (apart from having "traits" of Asperger's) and I think lack of intervention in her case is causing us the troubles now.

    Jenn, there is hope. There is also joy, delight, excitement and surprise. There are tantrums, tears, trauma as well, but that's life.

    Get your husband to lurk here as well (or post in his own right) and you will find it strengthen things even more, if your relationship is as you describe. it's what has happened for me and husband, even though we thought we already had really good communication already. Now it's even better! husband doesn't post often, but you'll see him occasionally as "Marg's Man". He lurks every day, though. And we talk about you all (hey everybody - feeling paranoid yet?)

  7. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Hello and welcome

    Whew. Your Anthony's birth so reminds me of my Travis'.

    I just wanted to ask, has Anthony ever had an MRi or an evaluation by a pediatric neurologist? You may have alot more things going on than just Sensory Integration Disorder (SID). (and I'd hate for you to find out when he's 13 like I did)

    Also if you haven't already, an evaluation by a neuropsychologist is a really good way to have him evaled to be certain you've caught everything.

    Don't take oxygen deprivation lightly, no matter what the docs tell you/don't tell you. Don't assume. Get him thoughroughly evaled. (parden my spelling it's 3am and I've been up half the night studying lol)

    Travis had a stroke and cardiac arrest while in the birth canal. Severe oxygen deprivation amoung many other things. (trust me you don't wanna know) My Nichole also had what we believed to be very minor oxygen deprivation due to the cord being around her neck mult times. As you can see, both are difficult children, and both have a variety of problems. (some of Nichole's aren't listed)

    I look at it this way, it sure doesn't hurt a thing to get your child checked out. Because knowing if there are other problems gets them the help they may need.

  8. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Lisa is right about getting things checked out.

    My sister's second son stopped breathing an unknown number of times in his first few days. Back in those days they kept the babies in the hospital nursery and only brought them to the mothers at feeding time, although the mothers could go see their children at any time. My sister happened to be in the nursery when she noticed her baby boy wasn't breathing, and shook him. He started breathing again, he also did it to her later while she had him with her for feeding. The nurse commented about, "he did it again," so my sister always wondered how much damage could have occurred if he stopped breathing another time when nobody was watching.

    He was a slow learner, seemed OK but didn't seem to know his own strength, was a bit of a "Paul Bunyan" (easiest way to describe him - very strong, grew fast, we had to adapt to his size and strength).
    My sister took a lot of convincing to get him tested - they finally agreed that he had some mild spasticity from the early oxygen deprivation but "he will grow out of it by the time he starts school". He got through school without support, but he presents as Asperger's, with no physical issues noticeable. Still dangerously strong - a hug from him feels like it's breaking my ribs.

    Checking things out is always worth doing. Keeping an open mind on what you've been told is also worth doing - although the child doesn't change, the diagnosis can simply because some things are tricky to diagnose and medicine is a very inexact science.

    And if you don't want to publicise what you find - it's your choice. You can choose to tell the school/family/friends, or not. later on the schools might want to test him - then it's under their control. But if you test him and do not sign a blanket waiver that gives the school full access to medical records but instead feed information to the school as and when you choose, you remain in control.

    Neonatal brain damage - yes, it's a concern, but it might not have been that bad. But if you KNOW, you can help him recover. The younger a person is when they get brain damage, the better their chances of completely compensating for it later on.

    But as I said, his problems could be independent of his traumatic birth. Or they could be related. The issue is - exactly what is he dealing with, and how can you help him adapt and learn to manage?

    Our aims as parents - to see our child grow up to reach their potential, to be happy, productive and fulfilled members of society, living independently from us. Our aim is for our children to grow up and not need us any more. Sometimes we lose sight of this! But to help a child when he is very young - it is the best start you can give him.

    We found with our kids that we've often had to do things very differently, to give them what they seemed to need. Sometimes their development seemed paradoxical (like learning to run before you can crawl) so to a large extent, we've been raising our kids by instinct and learning as we go. It's been challenging, exciting, stimulating and not a just little bit scary.

  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I third getting a private neuropsychologist exam. That's probably the best evaluation you can get. He has lots of symptoms of Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) and I'd want hiim looked at for that--this is not something the school or a regular therapist would know much about. My son has it and wasn't diagnosed until 11. LIke the other poster, I'd hate for you to find out at 13. It does sound like more than Sensory Integration Disorder (SID) to me, but Sensory Integration Disorder (SID) goes along with many other disorders and rarely stands alone. Unfortunately, babies born the hard way, are more prone to disorders (I was told this many times because my son is adopted and had a very rough in utero experience). The flapping, late speech, low muscle tone and sensory issues are consistent with Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD). I have no idea if he has it or not, but he has a lot of red flags. Here is a test you can take the may indicate whether or not he has a Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD). You can bring it to the neuropsychologist, if you like. Whatever is different about him, won't go away just because he doesn't have a label. There is a lot out there to help our kids and, for their sakes, it's best in my opinion that we take advantage of all the supports.
    Our neuropsychologist tested Lucas for twelve hours. It was worth all the other "hit or miss" or "wait and see" evaluations we had before, not to mention all the heavy duty medications and wrong diagnosis. My son is doing great now, although he's still a bit "quirky." The key to these kids improving is early interventions. My son started them at birth because, as a foster child, he was considered "at risk." They helped him tremendously. You may has well help him. He is already "different" and the kids know that and will know that more as they get older (a sad, hard truth). It won't change who your precious son is, but it will make him the best he can be. Waiting is often your biggest enemy.
  10. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Just wanted to add my welcome-glad you found us!
  11. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    Jenn, welcome! You've already gotten some good advice.

    I just wanted to add that sometimes when young children say they don't like themselves, it has nothing to do with the positive messages and support we as parents give them. It is sometimes a perfectionistic tendency (tied to anxiety) to want to be a certain way and frustration at not being able to live up to that very high expectation they set for themselves.

    Again, welcome. I'm glad you found us.
  12. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome! I tried - but failed - to be able to read that one big paragraph. The letters just get blurred after a bit. Making more paragraphs is easier on the eyes.

    I did get the sense that your son has clear need for services that have been being provided - and pretty early on! Kudos for you and husband on that one!

    He seems autistic and maybe you mentioned that already. If that has not been suggested to you, I think further testing is needed. By different people than have been involved with your son already.

    It is good to remember the things that set him off and frustrate him. Keeping a journal will be helpful. I think documenting every bit of his life would be helpful for the next evaluation. I mean everything: mood, food, potty times, activities, outbursts, etc. Sometimes that highlights that at 3:30 everyday there is a meltdown.

    Again, welcome to the site!
  13. jenn4anthony

    jenn4anthony New Member

    I cannot not thank all of you enough for your words of support, advice, suggestions and for your honesty. THANK YOU THANK YOU!!! I truly appreciate your words, your warm welcome and all you have gone through with your little ones. This is NOT an EASY ROAD! One that makes us stronger though that's for sure.

    I will also be sure to type with more paragraphs in my posts...thanks for that advice as well :)

    I have a TON of information to take in, my husband is actually still sleeping as he works the night shifts. We live in New York on Long Island...I mention this because one of our friends here lives down under..Australia...and I wanted to answer her question.

    Once I speak to Vinn, and, he and I come here tonight...look over things and discuss the the way, we have two lined up. I just have to get the courage and take him. Two of my friends took their children and this particular neurologist is highly respected and regarded, very well versed and extremely through. I will have to make the appointment and then have a meeting with my school district. You ladies have inspired me and have really allowed me to see importance of getting Anthony tested. This is all so sad, hard, but true and my husband and I have to do this for Anthony...what kind of parents would we be, if we didnt get him the extra testing?!

    Questions...what if Sensory Integration Disorder (SID)..Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD)..PPD (pervasive development disorder?!) what is difficult child...I see that alot here when you describe your children?!

    Again, thanks...hugs, friendship and my support to you all always.
  14. Jena

    Jena New Member


    I just wanted to jump in say hello and welcome you've found a great safe supportive place. your son's birth is so similar to my daughters. she too swallowed it yet it was in the mist of delivery so we couldn't do a c we just had to get her out quick.

    and by the way neuropychologist is a good idea. they had given me the idea as well never would of thought of it otherwise. none and i mean none of the various docs i've been too ever suggested that. so yup this is a great place.

    good luck to you and welcome again

  15. jenn4anthony

    jenn4anthony New Member

    just wanted to add that i just went to child brain and took that test for Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD)....and Anthony scored 81...Mild Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD), I will copy and print and take to our next appointment with the family child guidance center that I mentioned we took Anthony to in order for him to get into a social skills group and for us to get counseling. I will also take this to the psychneurologist appointment and do some research and of course speak with all of you here. THANK YOU AGAIN...I am crying because I am frustrated and sad....but, I know Anthony will be a better person for all of this and come out a wonderfully strong well rounded child.
  16. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator


    Here are some of the abbreviations:

    difficult child = Gift from God (the child who brought you here)
    Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) = Pervasive Developmental Disorder
    Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) = Autistic Spectrum Disorder
    Sensory Integration Disorder (SID) = Sensory Integration Disorder (formal name for sensory issues)

    If you search on the FAQ section, you will see a lot of the common abbreviations we use on the board.

    Anthony's going to be all right because he has parents like you and your husband.
  17. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

  18. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Also, another reference for you - look up "Tony Attwood". He writes some very positive things about autism and Asperger's especially.

    Also, a serious suggestion - try to not use your real names or real (detailed) location in your posts. Probably not an issue for now, but your personal security is important. For example, you are probably not the only people in Long Island with a son like yours, of that age with those symptoms. But when you factor in the names, someone COULD narrow it down further.

    For me, the biggest reason I've hid my identity is so I can't have my posts searched for by any teachers or educators who want to know what I'm up to. They could Google my real name for example (if I used it) and once here, could track everything I write, including all my complaints about them as well as my intentions (such as my campaign in 2006 for a Special Education class in our area specifically for kids with high-functioning autism (which frankly, sounds like your lad).

    Am I being paranoid? Maybe - but I wrote stuff in the past which was published in a journal for parents of bright kids (and later picked up and re-published in a book - no, I never got paid) and found that the problem teachers at the local school had circulated it around to their colleagues. I've written other articles since, but was more careful to not 'vent' in those.
    And I also got cyberstalked a couple of times and it was very unpleasant.

    So I hide my ID, try to not put anything here that could be Googled to find me. However, a committed search FROM THIS SITE could find me easily. So I don't tell these people about this site. It leaves me free to share with you all the occasional reference to our little seaside village.

  19. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Hey! No fair! How come Jenn4anthony gets the "good" husband?!!!



    Does he give lessons?


    Just kidding - husband is doing his best with our particular 9 yr. old, um, let's just say handful and leave it at that....shaaaaal we?

  20. jenn4anthony

    jenn4anthony New Member are hysterical! hubby is pretty awesome, sounds like from your siggy your hubby is awesome as well! :)

    I dont have a perfect life or a perfect husband...we are doing our best with our son, just like everyone is good to have a husband that is on the same page as me though!:peaceout: