New member Betty responding to: My son is now one of the homeless...

betty

New Member
I never wanted to be amongst those who had to post such a thing. But here I am, in the comforts of a warm home with a lovely guest bedroom and a son who is living in a downtown city homeless shelter.

I suppose all the roads my drug addict/alcoholic son has traveled lead to this time in his life. Marriage, The Army, Prison...now homelessness.

He texted me around 12;30 am last night and said...

"I want you to know I love you but am changing my number. I permanently need the family out of my life for good. I will not attempt contact and I would appreciate the same. Thank you for the hand offered at times. But I have my own hands and I do not need these people who I honestly consider the biggest hypocrites and liars I have ever met in the world other than myself, but I am changing that. I'm not angry I just haven't had a mother or father or brother or sister or wife and I think you all were made for each other and hope you all keep spreading your version of love amongst yourselves. I however am opting out. Seriously considering after getting on my feet a name change. I truly do not want association with people who in my best understanding hate me. None of you are examples of a functioning family and it's beauty. You are a turmoil gossiping hypocritical unloyal happy to point out fault but never your own.
I am in a rehab program that works with my job and has strict rules. I'll be here for at least 30 days but I could stay 2 yrs if I needed too. After all the extreme trauma and stress much self inflicted but certainly without a doubt not all I may need 2 yrs. I get a breathalyzer and UA. I have to provide proof of work and be in at a certain time. I'm barely fed but I am witness to a world you and dad lied to me about. These homeless people are not deadbeats or even drug addicts. These are some of the most giving genuine people I have ever been honored to be around. They have so little and willfully give and I too have taken this practice up recently and it makes me feel very good. These people, not all, but quite a few are funny, they are smart. Their weathered faces show they are TRUE survivors. The ex communed the banished the forgotten ones. I don't believe you or dad were ever homeless. Dad tried to scare me when I was a kid cuz I said I rather be homeless so he took me downtown and found people to scare me and to punish me for disrespecting his goodwill for not exiling me immediately for my disrespect of his home. I think I was 7. I have talked (to wife) everyday barely does she speak to me. She has abandoned me once again in my time of need. I'm done with her. Truth she's a terrible mother and you all are enablers for not calling her on her bs regarding the care and safety of your grandchildren. She is a speed freak she's a pill popper liar and she too learned from my own family how to sit on the high horse and look down. You all need some conviction and have none. You need principal and have none. You need integrity but you guys are old and set in your ways. If I am to ever cross paths I will need to see true change in all of you to even consider a further relationship. As it stands now I need you all to know that A. I will have another family. B. It will be with a woman who knows the whole truth of our family and as it stands you all will not be apart of our lives. I'm sending this to you mom but it's not directed at any one of you this goes for Grandma too or lachthereof. It's going to take years for me to recover from this and counseling and work. I really don't wish to see you all or hear your laughing noises to make fun of me. I am not a full person. I'm incomplete and have been since born. Now I get to spend my adult life My prime putting the pieces back together alone. Now I have many faults and have hurt myself and others but my family has given me a form of ptsd and stress disorders that I pray I'll recover from as well as abondonement and self loathing. I'm sorry to my children but it is best they do not know me until I can rebuild myself as a person. I wish you would have had an abortion mom. You were not and are not ready to be true loving parents. Though I know you are both vicims as well as perpetrators and for that I'm sorry. You all will get older and will want a relationship and I don't know if I'll be ready for that then or ever. I am an orphan. I am my own man. I came from me and I will rebuild me and it will have been no thanks to anyone but myself. Like I said I know none of this was directly intentional but I am exhiled until meeting the standard. Well good ridence I'll never meet your stupid standards so that I can have support and or feel comfortable in the same room with my family. Right. Family. s%$# your standards I've lived my F'd up life not you. Goodbye."

husband and I find it interesting that of course the "rehab" program that son speaks of will also have RULES...not so unlike the ones we had at our home when nearly 2 yrs ago (few months out of prison) son told us he "can put whatever substances he wants in his body." That is when I think we gave him 3 weeks to move out. He has not lived with us since.

A few weeks ago, husband reluctantly paid for a week at an extended stay hotel close to the train/bus transportation so he could easily get to work...surprisingly he still has new job. According to his wife, he trashed the room this past weekend and the hotel said, "We have pulled bodies out of these rooms before and have never seen a room left in this condition!" So apparently son destroyed the room and does not remember doing it because he was in a drunk black out state of mind according to a "friend" who told daughter in law about the incident.

About the visit downtown when son was young...he was more like 10 yrs old and was expressing a very ungrateful woe as me attitude even then. husband and I wanted to show him how others live who do not have it so good. It is sad that the message he got was that they are deadbeats. I do think many struggle with mental illness and drug addiction and I suppose that is why our son thinks we are victims as well as "perpetors"...as we are riddled with addiction on both sides of the family tree. And son is well aware of my mental illness issues...the psychotic breakdown 8 yrs ago...or maybe he thinks we were not loved well by our parents and did not know how to love well as his parent...I don't know.

As for daughter in law...I do think something is wrong with her these days. She lives with her mother still and husband has been picking up oldest grandson on Sunday mornings to take him to the bowling alley (husband is a bowling coach). We even had both oldest grandson and middle granddaughter spend the night this past Saturday. My mother came over Sunday afternoon and spent some time with the grands and us and took the grands home to daughter in law's mother's home. She said daughter in law is destroying her face. She said she is picking at her face so badly that she will have permanent scars.

I know daughter in law is stressed! Grandson recently started on Focalin for ADHD...seeing psychiatrist, CPS investigation because daughter in law and her father got into a fight and her father ended up with a bloodly lip and then called police on daughter in law...long story but suffice it to say I think her father is the one at fault and the ultimate abuser. Now daughter in law was taken to jail and has court in a few weeks, already had court and it was postponed to later hearing date. I know she is stressed beyond belief...maybe she is using. I don't know.
Certainly son thinks she is...but then again everyone is a hypocrite or just as bad off as he is! I think since he is not getting his way by wife running to his rescue or living in our home with us right now that he is trying to make everyone else look like the "bad guy" in his mind. I just wish he could realize that all of his choices have lead him to this bitter end...not all of us.

It's so sad that all of a mother's love/a wife's love is not enough to turn son away from the grips of self pity and self destruction from drugs and alcohol...but most of all...love for even his own children...is not enough.

Thanks for reading and caring,
LMS



It could be me writing that letter. I am having the same issues, son is homeless because he doesn't work. It is all my fault for leaving his dad, whom he is just like, he won't quit drinking or doing whatever he is doing, it was at one time crack. He texts me hurtful things, says I need help, but could I find a place for him to go to rehab close to my house? He had issues with his baby mama, talks terrible about her but still wants to be with her because of his son. I know he loves his son, but why doesn't he do something so he could be in the child's life? As it is, he probably could not get visitation with him. So sad that all these young men want to blame their problems on anyone but themselves. Their bad choices. I do not know what to do either. He cannot live with me and my husband. I still work everyday and so does my 70 yr old husband. Please if any one has answers let me know . I refuse to enable him anymore.

I never wanted to be amongst those who had to post such a thing. But here I am, in the comforts of a warm home with a lovely guest bedroom and a son who is living in a downtown city homeless shelter.

I suppose all the roads my drug addict/alcoholic son has traveled lead to this time in his life. Marriage, The Army, Prison...now homelessness.

He texted me around 12;30 am last night and said...

"I want you to know I love you but am changing my number. I permanently need the family out of my life for good. I will not attempt contact and I would appreciate the same. Thank you for the hand offered at times. But I have my own hands and I do not need these people who I honestly consider the biggest hypocrites and liars I have ever met in the world other than myself, but I am changing that. I'm not angry I just haven't had a mother or father or brother or sister or wife and I think you all were made for each other and hope you all keep spreading your version of love amongst yourselves. I however am opting out. Seriously considering after getting on my feet a name change. I truly do not want association with people who in my best understanding hate me. None of you are examples of a functioning family and it's beauty. You are a turmoil gossiping hypocritical unloyal happy to point out fault but never your own.
I am in a rehab program that works with my job and has strict rules. I'll be here for at least 30 days but I could stay 2 yrs if I needed too. After all the extreme trauma and stress much self inflicted but certainly without a doubt not all I may need 2 yrs. I get a breathalyzer and UA. I have to provide proof of work and be in at a certain time. I'm barely fed but I am witness to a world you and dad lied to me about. These homeless people are not deadbeats or even drug addicts. These are some of the most giving genuine people I have ever been honored to be around. They have so little and willfully give and I too have taken this practice up recently and it makes me feel very good. These people, not all, but quite a few are funny, they are smart. Their weathered faces show they are TRUE survivors. The ex communed the banished the forgotten ones. I don't believe you or dad were ever homeless. Dad tried to scare me when I was a kid cuz I said I rather be homeless so he took me downtown and found people to scare me and to punish me for disrespecting his goodwill for not exiling me immediately for my disrespect of his home. I think I was 7. I have talked (to wife) everyday barely does she speak to me. She has abandoned me once again in my time of need. I'm done with her. Truth she's a terrible mother and you all are enablers for not calling her on her bs regarding the care and safety of your grandchildren. She is a speed freak she's a pill popper liar and she too learned from my own family how to sit on the high horse and look down. You all need some conviction and have none. You need principal and have none. You need integrity but you guys are old and set in your ways. If I am to ever cross paths I will need to see true change in all of you to even consider a further relationship. As it stands now I need you all to know that A. I will have another family. B. It will be with a woman who knows the whole truth of our family and as it stands you all will not be apart of our lives. I'm sending this to you mom but it's not directed at any one of you this goes for Grandma too or lachthereof. It's going to take years for me to recover from this and counseling and work. I really don't wish to see you all or hear your laughing noises to make fun of me. I am not a full person. I'm incomplete and have been since born. Now I get to spend my adult life My prime putting the pieces back together alone. Now I have many faults and have hurt myself and others but my family has given me a form of ptsd and stress disorders that I pray I'll recover from as well as abondonement and self loathing. I'm sorry to my children but it is best they do not know me until I can rebuild myself as a person. I wish you would have had an abortion mom. You were not and are not ready to be true loving parents. Though I know you are both vicims as well as perpetrators and for that I'm sorry. You all will get older and will want a relationship and I don't know if I'll be ready for that then or ever. I am an orphan. I am my own man. I came from me and I will rebuild me and it will have been no thanks to anyone but myself. Like I said I know none of this was directly intentional but I am exhiled until meeting the standard. Well good ridence I'll never meet your stupid standards so that I can have support and or feel comfortable in the same room with my family. Right. Family. s%$# your standards I've lived my F'd up life not you. Goodbye."

husband and I find it interesting that of course the "rehab" program that son speaks of will also have RULES...not so unlike the ones we had at our home when nearly 2 yrs ago (few months out of prison) son told us he "can put whatever substances he wants in his body." That is when I think we gave him 3 weeks to move out. He has not lived with us since.

A few weeks ago, husband reluctantly paid for a week at an extended stay hotel close to the train/bus transportation so he could easily get to work...surprisingly he still has new job. According to his wife, he trashed the room this past weekend and the hotel said, "We have pulled bodies out of these rooms before and have never seen a room left in this condition!" So apparently son destroyed the room and does not remember doing it because he was in a drunk black out state of mind according to a "friend" who told daughter in law about the incident.

About the visit downtown when son was young...he was more like 10 yrs old and was expressing a very ungrateful woe as me attitude even then. husband and I wanted to show him how others live who do not have it so good. It is sad that the message he got was that they are deadbeats. I do think many struggle with mental illness and drug addiction and I suppose that is why our son thinks we are victims as well as "perpetors"...as we are riddled with addiction on both sides of the family tree. And son is well aware of my mental illness issues...the psychotic breakdown 8 yrs ago...or maybe he thinks we were not loved well by our parents and did not know how to love well as his parent...I don't know.

As for daughter in law...I do think something is wrong with her these days. She lives with her mother still and husband has been picking up oldest grandson on Sunday mornings to take him to the bowling alley (husband is a bowling coach). We even had both oldest grandson and middle granddaughter spend the night this past Saturday. My mother came over Sunday afternoon and spent some time with the grands and us and took the grands home to daughter in law's mother's home. She said daughter in law is destroying her face. She said she is picking at her face so badly that she will have permanent scars.

I know daughter in law is stressed! Grandson recently started on Focalin for ADHD...seeing psychiatrist, CPS investigation because daughter in law and her father got into a fight and her father ended up with a bloodly lip and then called police on daughter in law...long story but suffice it to say I think her father is the one at fault and the ultimate abuser. Now daughter in law was taken to jail and has court in a few weeks, already had court and it was postponed to later hearing date. I know she is stressed beyond belief...maybe she is using. I don't know.
Certainly son thinks she is...but then again everyone is a hypocrite or just as bad off as he is! I think since he is not getting his way by wife running to his rescue or living in our home with us right now that he is trying to make everyone else look like the "bad guy" in his mind. I just wish he could realize that all of his choices have lead him to this bitter end...not all of us.

It's so sad that all of a mother's love/a wife's love is not enough to turn son away from the grips of self pity and self destruction from drugs and alcohol...but most of all...love for even his own children...is not enough.

Thanks for reading and caring,
LMS
Wow, that was gut wrenching to read. I can only imagine how you feel. I'm so very sorry you are having to endure this. Please just keep reminding yourself this is not him talking. **hugs**
 

New Leaf

Well-Known Member
Hi Betty, I have to write fast-off to work. You are posting on an old thread, that is probably why you don't have replies.
So sorry for your troubles, dear, it is so very, very tough.
This is a soft place to be, with many who will offer help and advice and soothing heartfelt words.
I will write more later.......
(((HUGS)))
 

AppleCori

Well-Known Member
Hi, Betty.

The answers are for you to live your own life now, and try to detach from your son and his self-made problems.

You are right--enabling has not helped him. It doesn't work for our DCs. If anything, it only serves to keep them dependent on us and not on themselves.

Thee is an article at the top of the Parent Emeritus Board on detachment that you should read.

Welcome to the boards. Stay with us. It will help.

Apple
 

Childofmine

one day at a time
Betty just remember it is the addiction talking. And try hard not to engage because there is no point. At the worst I just said very little except I love you and I am sure you will work things out. Less is more while they enmeshed in their addiction. We have to turn and live our own lives and find joy and happiness elsewhere. He will turn around if and when he decides to and not one minute before. We can only do so much and we have all done all we can and more. It's time to to let go and live our own lives. But it is still hard and we all understand here. Warm hugs tonight.
 

Ylowbutterfly

New Member
Betty, I can relate so much, my 24 yr old daughter is refusing help being offered to help her reset, her poor life choices have now left her homeless and me as the mom emotionally and physically drained. I suspect she is or was using drugs, witnesses have told me, I have a 16 year old son and I have to protect him from her drama which is why she is not welcome to come live with us. She just started another job which then makes me want to help her until she gets check to keep motel room, but logic tells me this is a vicious cycle she is on. So here I am up past midnight losing sleep over all this
 
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