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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 317885" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Welcome, I'm glad you found us.</p><p></p><p>A few concerns - you describe your partner as very co-dependent. That worries me on your behalf, because such people can inadverntently really hurt the people who love them. Go carefully, keep a part of yourself safe from harm. Don't take over her role too much but of course continue to support. It's a fine line. You're closer tan a step-parent but in some ways not so close, since you're not in the same home constantly.</p><p></p><p>The poor kids have had a lot of pain and a great deal of instability. It makes it much more difficult to properly diangose a problem so all you can do is try to deal with the fallout day to day. Reactive, not proactive. Can't be helped.</p><p></p><p>I know you said you want references other than Explosive Child, but there are ideas I've gleaned from that book which have heped me with sibling rivaly (aka "sible war" in our house).</p><p></p><p>Sometimes the raging kid is acting out of insecurity and frustration. If you can find the trigger and get it dealt with, it can often help. For example, the kid wanting ice cream for breakfast - clearly that's not acceptable. But has it been possible in the past? In which case, it's understandable that it would be a viable option, at least in his mind. In an attempt to de-fuse in simiklar situaitons, I have sometimes said, "Are you worried you will miss out on the ice cream today if you doon't eat it now? Then how about we serve up your ice cream for today and put it aside in the freezer for you, already there for when you get hoome after school and you've eaten your dinner?"</p><p>it sounds ludicrous but sometimes all they need, is the sense of security of, "It's OK, it's already set aside for me."</p><p></p><p>YOu did a good thing in focussing on the anger. A lot of what we ALL do (adults too) when we're upset, is deflection. We try to make a big issue out of something that actually is not the main problem. Kids will push and shove other siblings when really, they are frustrated about something different. It's just that brother or sister is there in the way just when their fists are balled up ready to lash out.</p><p></p><p>INformation works. Communnication works. Especially in a family dealing with PTSD, denial is a big problem which needs to be combatted with honesty and communication. Encouraging the kids to identify the REAL problem and then dive right in to try to deal with it, is a very important lesson. I suspect they already have been given a lot of lessons in how to do exactly the opposite.</p><p></p><p>It's something we should all do as adults but the harder life has been for us, the harder it is to face the nugget of the problem. But the more we do this, the better we will cope with life's stresses.</p><p></p><p>Be good to yourself. And bless you for caring about these kids and their mother.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 317885, member: 1991"] Welcome, I'm glad you found us. A few concerns - you describe your partner as very co-dependent. That worries me on your behalf, because such people can inadverntently really hurt the people who love them. Go carefully, keep a part of yourself safe from harm. Don't take over her role too much but of course continue to support. It's a fine line. You're closer tan a step-parent but in some ways not so close, since you're not in the same home constantly. The poor kids have had a lot of pain and a great deal of instability. It makes it much more difficult to properly diangose a problem so all you can do is try to deal with the fallout day to day. Reactive, not proactive. Can't be helped. I know you said you want references other than Explosive Child, but there are ideas I've gleaned from that book which have heped me with sibling rivaly (aka "sible war" in our house). Sometimes the raging kid is acting out of insecurity and frustration. If you can find the trigger and get it dealt with, it can often help. For example, the kid wanting ice cream for breakfast - clearly that's not acceptable. But has it been possible in the past? In which case, it's understandable that it would be a viable option, at least in his mind. In an attempt to de-fuse in simiklar situaitons, I have sometimes said, "Are you worried you will miss out on the ice cream today if you doon't eat it now? Then how about we serve up your ice cream for today and put it aside in the freezer for you, already there for when you get hoome after school and you've eaten your dinner?" it sounds ludicrous but sometimes all they need, is the sense of security of, "It's OK, it's already set aside for me." YOu did a good thing in focussing on the anger. A lot of what we ALL do (adults too) when we're upset, is deflection. We try to make a big issue out of something that actually is not the main problem. Kids will push and shove other siblings when really, they are frustrated about something different. It's just that brother or sister is there in the way just when their fists are balled up ready to lash out. INformation works. Communnication works. Especially in a family dealing with PTSD, denial is a big problem which needs to be combatted with honesty and communication. Encouraging the kids to identify the REAL problem and then dive right in to try to deal with it, is a very important lesson. I suspect they already have been given a lot of lessons in how to do exactly the opposite. It's something we should all do as adults but the harder life has been for us, the harder it is to face the nugget of the problem. But the more we do this, the better we will cope with life's stresses. Be good to yourself. And bless you for caring about these kids and their mother. Marg [/QUOTE]
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