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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 317890" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>That's a good way to think about it. What I've observed with difficult child 3 (and also in myself, in yers past) is that feelings of anxiety are there in your mind, and you try to find a reason. Your mind may sieze on this, or that, as the problem and in someone a bit more Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) than me, they then cling to the suspected cause as "THAT has to be it! Give it to me now!"</p><p></p><p>The earning of things - I do something similar with difficult child 3. Generally it's based on his schoolwork output. He has things he wants, desperately. We've always had the "family shop" thing which easy child's anxiety brought in. She was collecting Sylvanian families toys and we would buy them for her when we saw them (and she wanted THAT cute one) but she had to buy them off us as she could afford it. We would limit what we would keep in store, but once she knew they had been bought, her anxiety level over perhaps not getting them, eased a lot.</p><p></p><p>We've adapted this now for difficult child 3 - again, "family shop" may have only one item and he has to buy it off us. His schooling is home-based but with teachers available over the phone or online and schoolwork posted out to us. So the deal is, he earns half a credit for one subject's worth of work completed within one day (and he can always continue to work to complete it over a weekend or into the evening). Over time the credits mount up. I used to buy a pack of his favourite lollies for a credit, so I used that to put a dollar value on credits. At the moment in the family shop I have a new controller for a video game, that he asked me to buy. It will cost him 8 credits to earn it. he can earn credits or give me dollars, all depending on what he has available. He can offer to earn extra credits with chores.</p><p></p><p>The really important thing in this - NEVER let him negotiate to devalue credits. You can give bonus credits for services above and beyond, but don't permanently devalue tem.</p><p></p><p>Another important rule - credits earned stay earned. If he hits his brother or similar but had earlier earnedcredits, don't take away what he just earned. What happens is, he has to make reparation to his brother (a separate thing) and he obviously isn't earning credits when his behaviour is off the rails. That generally is enough.</p><p></p><p>WHatever you work out, involve the kids (as you have alreayd begun to do).</p><p></p><p>You sound like you're on good tracks. If your rules are firm and consistent, it won't matter so much if other households he's in sometimes are inconsistent. Kids can handle this better than we think - "dad" rules vs mum rules. The changeover is the problem, usually.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 317890, member: 1991"] That's a good way to think about it. What I've observed with difficult child 3 (and also in myself, in yers past) is that feelings of anxiety are there in your mind, and you try to find a reason. Your mind may sieze on this, or that, as the problem and in someone a bit more Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) than me, they then cling to the suspected cause as "THAT has to be it! Give it to me now!" The earning of things - I do something similar with difficult child 3. Generally it's based on his schoolwork output. He has things he wants, desperately. We've always had the "family shop" thing which easy child's anxiety brought in. She was collecting Sylvanian families toys and we would buy them for her when we saw them (and she wanted THAT cute one) but she had to buy them off us as she could afford it. We would limit what we would keep in store, but once she knew they had been bought, her anxiety level over perhaps not getting them, eased a lot. We've adapted this now for difficult child 3 - again, "family shop" may have only one item and he has to buy it off us. His schooling is home-based but with teachers available over the phone or online and schoolwork posted out to us. So the deal is, he earns half a credit for one subject's worth of work completed within one day (and he can always continue to work to complete it over a weekend or into the evening). Over time the credits mount up. I used to buy a pack of his favourite lollies for a credit, so I used that to put a dollar value on credits. At the moment in the family shop I have a new controller for a video game, that he asked me to buy. It will cost him 8 credits to earn it. he can earn credits or give me dollars, all depending on what he has available. He can offer to earn extra credits with chores. The really important thing in this - NEVER let him negotiate to devalue credits. You can give bonus credits for services above and beyond, but don't permanently devalue tem. Another important rule - credits earned stay earned. If he hits his brother or similar but had earlier earnedcredits, don't take away what he just earned. What happens is, he has to make reparation to his brother (a separate thing) and he obviously isn't earning credits when his behaviour is off the rails. That generally is enough. WHatever you work out, involve the kids (as you have alreayd begun to do). You sound like you're on good tracks. If your rules are firm and consistent, it won't matter so much if other households he's in sometimes are inconsistent. Kids can handle this better than we think - "dad" rules vs mum rules. The changeover is the problem, usually. Marg [/QUOTE]
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