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New member: Feel like I'm crumbling
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 632440" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Hi there! We actually have another poster from the UK here and I hope she comes here and sees this. She would understand the uk system and we don't, but I can maybe offer a perspective as a mom of a daughter who was once a drug addict and was thrown out of the house.</p><p></p><p>You have done all you can (I'm sure) for your son. The only thing you can do is go to Al-Anon (even if you're not religious), get a private therapist if that turns you off and try to learn how to cope with living a good life even though your adult child is refusing to follow the rules that will get him help. My guess is that if he complied with his medication, he would be a lot better. Until he follows through on his appts. and accepts the shelter's house rules by doing what is required, he won't get better and you can't help him. He is 100% in control of his destiny. You only have control over your own.</p><p></p><p>If you son is actually incompetent, as in psychotic and does not know reality from fantasy because of hallucinations, is there any way to get him declared unfit and of need of guardianship in the UK/ If he is schizophrenic, especially the paranoid kind, I would agree that he probably can not live alone or understand rules. But if he is just defiant, maybe a drug user, bipolar or some other mood disorder and is not psychotic, he CAN take care of himself. He just doesn't want to do it and that causes problems for adults in every country in the world. And their broken-hearted mothers can not fix that.</p><p></p><p>In the end, the mothers on this particular forum are trying to detach with love from our dysfujnctional adult kids and try to hope they hit rock bottom and want help. So I would agree with your psychiatrist. Until he wants help, he won't get better. And there is nothing you can do to speed along his process; his journey. Don't feel badly about it. It's life. You and I only have true control over ourselves. Even our loved ones are seperate from us and on their own once they are of legal age. Even the mentally ill, unless totally psychotic, are expected to follow the rules and live a crime free and socially acceptable life. Example: You can't act up or use drugs or get violent or disruptive in a free homeless shelter around here and it sounds like it is the same in the UK. That makes sense. I volunteered for one once. Chaos would likely have evolved into dangerous fights. Only those who were there to get a night's sleep and a hot meal, nothing else, were admitted. If you got aggressive or abusive toward another client or a volunteer, you had to leave. If you wouldn't go, the police were called. In all of society, even in the homeless world, you have to follow the rules or you get rejected.</p><p></p><p>In my most heartfelt advice to you, which you can totally toss in the trash can since it is only my opinion, you should read our wonderful article on "Parent Emeritus" about detaching with love and I also recommend you read the fantastic book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beatty (maybe spelled wrong). Amazon has it in paper form or kindle. Great book. Rang so true with me that it changed my entire life. Until I read it, I didn't even matter to me. I was too busy fixing everyone else who had a problem. I didn't know it wasn't selfish to put myself first at times. There is much to learn and many ways to teach yourself to cope.</p><p></p><p>This may be too much for you to take in this soon, but I'd cut off his money for the bed and breakfasts. Are you so rich that you can afford to throw out money when he refuses to do anything to better his situations? I cut the money trail off with my daughter as soon as we found out about the drugs. Guess what? She had to get a job or have no money. I don't think (again MY opinion) that we should fund our self-destructive adult children. They need to learn that they will not be rescued and will have to learn to comply with the rules of society or be rejected by society. It isn't fair for you to go broke when he doesn't even attempt to help himself, is it?</p><p></p><p>I am sorry you are hurting so here are some hugs for your hurting mommy heart.</p><p></p><p>Get some help for YOU. YOU can control YOU and you deserve a wonderful life, even if your son continues to struggle. You are not him and he is not you. We all write our own life's story. Nobody writes it for us.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 632440, member: 1550"] Hi there! We actually have another poster from the UK here and I hope she comes here and sees this. She would understand the uk system and we don't, but I can maybe offer a perspective as a mom of a daughter who was once a drug addict and was thrown out of the house. You have done all you can (I'm sure) for your son. The only thing you can do is go to Al-Anon (even if you're not religious), get a private therapist if that turns you off and try to learn how to cope with living a good life even though your adult child is refusing to follow the rules that will get him help. My guess is that if he complied with his medication, he would be a lot better. Until he follows through on his appts. and accepts the shelter's house rules by doing what is required, he won't get better and you can't help him. He is 100% in control of his destiny. You only have control over your own. If you son is actually incompetent, as in psychotic and does not know reality from fantasy because of hallucinations, is there any way to get him declared unfit and of need of guardianship in the UK/ If he is schizophrenic, especially the paranoid kind, I would agree that he probably can not live alone or understand rules. But if he is just defiant, maybe a drug user, bipolar or some other mood disorder and is not psychotic, he CAN take care of himself. He just doesn't want to do it and that causes problems for adults in every country in the world. And their broken-hearted mothers can not fix that. In the end, the mothers on this particular forum are trying to detach with love from our dysfujnctional adult kids and try to hope they hit rock bottom and want help. So I would agree with your psychiatrist. Until he wants help, he won't get better. And there is nothing you can do to speed along his process; his journey. Don't feel badly about it. It's life. You and I only have true control over ourselves. Even our loved ones are seperate from us and on their own once they are of legal age. Even the mentally ill, unless totally psychotic, are expected to follow the rules and live a crime free and socially acceptable life. Example: You can't act up or use drugs or get violent or disruptive in a free homeless shelter around here and it sounds like it is the same in the UK. That makes sense. I volunteered for one once. Chaos would likely have evolved into dangerous fights. Only those who were there to get a night's sleep and a hot meal, nothing else, were admitted. If you got aggressive or abusive toward another client or a volunteer, you had to leave. If you wouldn't go, the police were called. In all of society, even in the homeless world, you have to follow the rules or you get rejected. In my most heartfelt advice to you, which you can totally toss in the trash can since it is only my opinion, you should read our wonderful article on "Parent Emeritus" about detaching with love and I also recommend you read the fantastic book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beatty (maybe spelled wrong). Amazon has it in paper form or kindle. Great book. Rang so true with me that it changed my entire life. Until I read it, I didn't even matter to me. I was too busy fixing everyone else who had a problem. I didn't know it wasn't selfish to put myself first at times. There is much to learn and many ways to teach yourself to cope. This may be too much for you to take in this soon, but I'd cut off his money for the bed and breakfasts. Are you so rich that you can afford to throw out money when he refuses to do anything to better his situations? I cut the money trail off with my daughter as soon as we found out about the drugs. Guess what? She had to get a job or have no money. I don't think (again MY opinion) that we should fund our self-destructive adult children. They need to learn that they will not be rescued and will have to learn to comply with the rules of society or be rejected by society. It isn't fair for you to go broke when he doesn't even attempt to help himself, is it? I am sorry you are hurting so here are some hugs for your hurting mommy heart. Get some help for YOU. YOU can control YOU and you deserve a wonderful life, even if your son continues to struggle. You are not him and he is not you. We all write our own life's story. Nobody writes it for us. [/QUOTE]
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