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New member: Feel like I'm crumbling
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 632469" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Hi Crumbling, I just wanted you to know that we are reading along and we are glad you have joined us, even though I am very sorry for the reason you are here.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>My son is 25, just a little older than your son, and his problems have been extreme since he was about 20. My ex-husband, his father, and I have done a lot to try to help him but none of it resulted in him straightening up and flying right.</p><p></p><p>We finally had to learn how to stop enabling, detach with love and accept what is, today. It's been a long, hard journey, but there has been much unexpected fruit/silver linings along the way.</p><p></p><p>Today, my son is homeless on the street in the town where I live. He doesn't appear to be taking pills, but he says he does drink. He doesn't have a job. He says he is looking for one. He doesn't have a place to sleep at night. There are places there to sleep---shelters---but obviously he doesn't want to do that. </p><p></p><p>I see him and talk to him every other day or so right now. It is not unpleasant. I have to work hard to keep my head on straight about him, and not get too involved in his life.</p><p></p><p>When I do, I go nuts. </p><p></p><p>Today, I have peace, contentment and serenity, even though he is still living this life. It is possible. </p><p></p><p>He has been in jail 8 or 9 times, has been fired from many jobs, has two felonies and multiple misdemeanors. He's always been a person who does things the hard way. He has depression and anxiety that he takes Effexor for. I wish he would go to therapy but he doesn't and there is nothing I can do about that.</p><p></p><p>There is nothing I can do about any of his decisions. He is a grown man. </p><p></p><p>I can only decide what I will do and not do. He cannot live in my house. I do not give him money, except from time to time for something specific that I decide I want to help with. Recently, I paid his $17 fine at the library so he could use their computers to look for a job. I did not buy him new tennis shoes that he asked for. I will not co-sign on an apartment lease or any other loan. I will not get him a cell phone. He has no phone at all right now, and guess what? I hear from him just fine.</p><p></p><p>Crumbling, please go to a 12-step meeting---AlAnon. It is a worldwide support group and is for people who love and have alcoholics and addicts in their lives. It is wonderful and the program provides a pathway to you regaining your own life.</p><p></p><p>Your son is an adult. He is responsible for himself. Your parenting days are over. Start claiming that, inch by inch.</p><p></p><p>Please keep posting here. We care, and we do understand. We're here for you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 632469, member: 17542"] Hi Crumbling, I just wanted you to know that we are reading along and we are glad you have joined us, even though I am very sorry for the reason you are here. My son is 25, just a little older than your son, and his problems have been extreme since he was about 20. My ex-husband, his father, and I have done a lot to try to help him but none of it resulted in him straightening up and flying right. We finally had to learn how to stop enabling, detach with love and accept what is, today. It's been a long, hard journey, but there has been much unexpected fruit/silver linings along the way. Today, my son is homeless on the street in the town where I live. He doesn't appear to be taking pills, but he says he does drink. He doesn't have a job. He says he is looking for one. He doesn't have a place to sleep at night. There are places there to sleep---shelters---but obviously he doesn't want to do that. I see him and talk to him every other day or so right now. It is not unpleasant. I have to work hard to keep my head on straight about him, and not get too involved in his life. When I do, I go nuts. Today, I have peace, contentment and serenity, even though he is still living this life. It is possible. He has been in jail 8 or 9 times, has been fired from many jobs, has two felonies and multiple misdemeanors. He's always been a person who does things the hard way. He has depression and anxiety that he takes Effexor for. I wish he would go to therapy but he doesn't and there is nothing I can do about that. There is nothing I can do about any of his decisions. He is a grown man. I can only decide what I will do and not do. He cannot live in my house. I do not give him money, except from time to time for something specific that I decide I want to help with. Recently, I paid his $17 fine at the library so he could use their computers to look for a job. I did not buy him new tennis shoes that he asked for. I will not co-sign on an apartment lease or any other loan. I will not get him a cell phone. He has no phone at all right now, and guess what? I hear from him just fine. Crumbling, please go to a 12-step meeting---AlAnon. It is a worldwide support group and is for people who love and have alcoholics and addicts in their lives. It is wonderful and the program provides a pathway to you regaining your own life. Your son is an adult. He is responsible for himself. Your parenting days are over. Start claiming that, inch by inch. Please keep posting here. We care, and we do understand. We're here for you. [/QUOTE]
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