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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 670251" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Welcome Believe...</p><p></p><p>Your story sounds so much like my story with my son, who is now doing so much better. He was fired from many jobs, and was homeless some 5 different times for long periods of time, was in jail 8 or 9 times. As you undoubtedly know, addiction is a progressive disease and it just gets worse and worse and worse until the person gets help and treatment and decides to turn his/her life around. The progression of bad times, punctuated by better times (most of which I enabled mightily so who knows how much was even him?) was an endless merry go round of hope and crushing lows. </p><p></p><p>Finally, like you, I learned how to detach with love and work on my own life, instead of my sole focus in life being his life and trying to get him straightened out. </p><p></p><p>At some point, I was completely sick and tired and completely powerless and I finally admitted it. That was a very good day of sitting still and recognizing that i had tried everything under the shining sun and things were actually worse. </p><p></p><p>I was able to learn that what i had done had not only not helped, but it had delayed him hitting his own rock bottom (seems like there were multiple bottoms) and facing himself without a screen or a mask that I created for him. </p><p></p><p>I read and read and listened in Al-Anon and worked hard, and finally I started to change my own thinking and behavior, with a lot of backslides and then in time, I came through the worst part of the grief, even though he was still on the street and his life was still really bad, and I started to feel happy again, regardless. </p><p></p><p>It took a lot of time, like it sounds like it has for you, but I finally got this: I can't live my son's life for him. It is HIS life to live, and his decisions are his decisions, and the consequences are also his. That doesn't mean I didn't love him fiercely through it all and prayed harder than I have ever prayed in my life, and I was finally able to shut my mouth and just say: Oh. I love you. That sounds hard. I'm sure you will figure it out. I love you. Call me again honey. I hope that works out. I don't know. I love you. </p><p></p><p>It took me a long, long time to get there. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>No. I believe you have reclaimed your own life and you have realized your own worth separate from the person you brought into the world---your son. We gave birth to them and that is a mighty bond but there comes a time to let people go, our DCs and our PCs (perfect children, tongue in cheek) and all other people and just let go of other people's outcomes, all other people. We can't do a single thing about any of it anyway, and never could, but it was a distraction from ourselves to think so. </p><p></p><p>Working on ME Is a full time job. I want a great life. It sounds like you do too. I call this my 51%/49% rule. I am 51%. Others are 49%. This is counter-cultural, especially for women---the Great Caretakers---but I value me today. Finally. </p><p></p><p>We're glad you're here. Keep sharing. It sounds like you have a lot to give and we welcome your ideas and insights here.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 670251, member: 17542"] Welcome Believe... Your story sounds so much like my story with my son, who is now doing so much better. He was fired from many jobs, and was homeless some 5 different times for long periods of time, was in jail 8 or 9 times. As you undoubtedly know, addiction is a progressive disease and it just gets worse and worse and worse until the person gets help and treatment and decides to turn his/her life around. The progression of bad times, punctuated by better times (most of which I enabled mightily so who knows how much was even him?) was an endless merry go round of hope and crushing lows. Finally, like you, I learned how to detach with love and work on my own life, instead of my sole focus in life being his life and trying to get him straightened out. At some point, I was completely sick and tired and completely powerless and I finally admitted it. That was a very good day of sitting still and recognizing that i had tried everything under the shining sun and things were actually worse. I was able to learn that what i had done had not only not helped, but it had delayed him hitting his own rock bottom (seems like there were multiple bottoms) and facing himself without a screen or a mask that I created for him. I read and read and listened in Al-Anon and worked hard, and finally I started to change my own thinking and behavior, with a lot of backslides and then in time, I came through the worst part of the grief, even though he was still on the street and his life was still really bad, and I started to feel happy again, regardless. It took a lot of time, like it sounds like it has for you, but I finally got this: I can't live my son's life for him. It is HIS life to live, and his decisions are his decisions, and the consequences are also his. That doesn't mean I didn't love him fiercely through it all and prayed harder than I have ever prayed in my life, and I was finally able to shut my mouth and just say: Oh. I love you. That sounds hard. I'm sure you will figure it out. I love you. Call me again honey. I hope that works out. I don't know. I love you. It took me a long, long time to get there. No. I believe you have reclaimed your own life and you have realized your own worth separate from the person you brought into the world---your son. We gave birth to them and that is a mighty bond but there comes a time to let people go, our DCs and our PCs (perfect children, tongue in cheek) and all other people and just let go of other people's outcomes, all other people. We can't do a single thing about any of it anyway, and never could, but it was a distraction from ourselves to think so. Working on ME Is a full time job. I want a great life. It sounds like you do too. I call this my 51%/49% rule. I am 51%. Others are 49%. This is counter-cultural, especially for women---the Great Caretakers---but I value me today. Finally. We're glad you're here. Keep sharing. It sounds like you have a lot to give and we welcome your ideas and insights here. [/QUOTE]
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