Parent42girls
New Member
My husband and I are dealing with a difficult situation with our 17 year old daughter and just don't know what to do at this point. Our situation is unique in many ways so I'll provide a little background.
This may sound strange, but our daughter has been working toward a career in a highly competitive and specialized field since she was about 11 years old. At age 14 she was awarded a scholarship to a boarding school that provided the specialized training she needed in a safe and very well supervised environment and we allowed her to attend. While there were a few ups and downs at the boarding school, she always remained focused on her goal. And up until this point it has paid off. She was invited to join an organization in an apprentice type situation and all indications are that she if she continues on this path, she will reach her goal. The only downside to the new opportunity was that it was not a school environment which meant that we would need to make living arrangements for our daughter and pay her living expenses. By scrimping and saving and making a lot of sacrifices, we have managed to financially afford for her to take advantage of this opportunity. As her parents, we were aware that we were allowing her to live in the "adult world" a year earlier than most kids her age, but having lived away from home for so long and proving herself to be a very responsible kid, we felt that she was ready for it.
We now find ourselves in a difficult position because she has entered a relationship with a 20 year old who is very controlling and manipulative. Having been in an abusive relationship as a teen I saw so many red flags as their relationship developed. He was jealous when her Dad came to visit and she spent the entire weekend with her Dad instead of him, he made her "unfriend" several people on facebook because he didn't want her talking to them anymore (some of whom she had been friends with her entire life), she stopped attending the extra functions related to her work because they always took place when she should be with him, and eventually she missed some required work functions because of his pouting as well. He is constantly checking in on her and needs to know where she was at all times, he gets angry so often over such small things and his temper is explosive. He has not touched her, but he has thrown things and punched a wall.
I bit my tongue as best I could and was very careful not to say negative things about him, but I certainly voiced my concerns over the direction things were headed. Just before Thanksgiving it looked like she had come to her senses and she told me that she was going to break up with him and asked for my help because she was afraid of his reaction. It was a drama filled break up - he cried uncontrollably, promised to change and told her that he would kill himself if she went through with it. Somehow she managed to hold her ground and she told him it was over. At that point we insisted that she have no contact with him. He did not try to contact her after the break-up, but my daughter's guilt got the best of her and she contacted him just to make sure he was okay. This of course resulted in them getting back together and also caused a huge fight between her, her Dad and I. She ended up breaking up with him a second time and promised her Dad and I that it was over and that she would not have any contact with him ever again. That lasted a few days...and when we found out she had been talking to him again and lying to us about it there was another huge blow up. Since then then lies haven't stopped. We found a note in our room after we dropped her off at the airport to return to work that said she was sorry for everything and that she appreciated everything we have done for her. She said she realized that this relationship wasn't worth losing her family over and that she would honor our wishes and not see him anymore. All the while, she had plans for him to pick her up at the airport, and for them to spend the next day together even though it was a work day for her. Again - another huge blowout.
At this point my husband is ready to bring her home, but by bringing her home we essentially take away her career as well. She does not have the same opportunities here. I realize that we cannot continue to allow her to lie to us but I also feel like bringing her home isn't going to change that behavior. I am at a loss for what to do. How can we let this one boy ruin everything she has worked for?
I suggested to my husband that by forbidding the relationship we put her in a position where she had to lie. There is a small part of me that thinks we should just back off. Make her think she has won what has now become a power struggle. He sees it differently and thinks that she is not capable of handling this very adult situation and that we need to step in now before its too late and the relationship becomes physically abusive.
Any advice is welcome...
This may sound strange, but our daughter has been working toward a career in a highly competitive and specialized field since she was about 11 years old. At age 14 she was awarded a scholarship to a boarding school that provided the specialized training she needed in a safe and very well supervised environment and we allowed her to attend. While there were a few ups and downs at the boarding school, she always remained focused on her goal. And up until this point it has paid off. She was invited to join an organization in an apprentice type situation and all indications are that she if she continues on this path, she will reach her goal. The only downside to the new opportunity was that it was not a school environment which meant that we would need to make living arrangements for our daughter and pay her living expenses. By scrimping and saving and making a lot of sacrifices, we have managed to financially afford for her to take advantage of this opportunity. As her parents, we were aware that we were allowing her to live in the "adult world" a year earlier than most kids her age, but having lived away from home for so long and proving herself to be a very responsible kid, we felt that she was ready for it.
We now find ourselves in a difficult position because she has entered a relationship with a 20 year old who is very controlling and manipulative. Having been in an abusive relationship as a teen I saw so many red flags as their relationship developed. He was jealous when her Dad came to visit and she spent the entire weekend with her Dad instead of him, he made her "unfriend" several people on facebook because he didn't want her talking to them anymore (some of whom she had been friends with her entire life), she stopped attending the extra functions related to her work because they always took place when she should be with him, and eventually she missed some required work functions because of his pouting as well. He is constantly checking in on her and needs to know where she was at all times, he gets angry so often over such small things and his temper is explosive. He has not touched her, but he has thrown things and punched a wall.
I bit my tongue as best I could and was very careful not to say negative things about him, but I certainly voiced my concerns over the direction things were headed. Just before Thanksgiving it looked like she had come to her senses and she told me that she was going to break up with him and asked for my help because she was afraid of his reaction. It was a drama filled break up - he cried uncontrollably, promised to change and told her that he would kill himself if she went through with it. Somehow she managed to hold her ground and she told him it was over. At that point we insisted that she have no contact with him. He did not try to contact her after the break-up, but my daughter's guilt got the best of her and she contacted him just to make sure he was okay. This of course resulted in them getting back together and also caused a huge fight between her, her Dad and I. She ended up breaking up with him a second time and promised her Dad and I that it was over and that she would not have any contact with him ever again. That lasted a few days...and when we found out she had been talking to him again and lying to us about it there was another huge blow up. Since then then lies haven't stopped. We found a note in our room after we dropped her off at the airport to return to work that said she was sorry for everything and that she appreciated everything we have done for her. She said she realized that this relationship wasn't worth losing her family over and that she would honor our wishes and not see him anymore. All the while, she had plans for him to pick her up at the airport, and for them to spend the next day together even though it was a work day for her. Again - another huge blowout.
At this point my husband is ready to bring her home, but by bringing her home we essentially take away her career as well. She does not have the same opportunities here. I realize that we cannot continue to allow her to lie to us but I also feel like bringing her home isn't going to change that behavior. I am at a loss for what to do. How can we let this one boy ruin everything she has worked for?
I suggested to my husband that by forbidding the relationship we put her in a position where she had to lie. There is a small part of me that thinks we should just back off. Make her think she has won what has now become a power struggle. He sees it differently and thinks that she is not capable of handling this very adult situation and that we need to step in now before its too late and the relationship becomes physically abusive.
Any advice is welcome...
