New Member in difficult situation
- Thread starter Parent42girls
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rejectedmom
New Member
I think you and your husband responded perfectly to this situation. I am hoping your daughter does listen to the litte whispers that come from within and stays away from this fella. I know you will still worry as would any parent but stepping back in this case was the best thing. As you said you will be able to chat and Skype which should keep you aware of her progress as she works this out.
pinevalley
Member
WOW! You and your husband handled this situation in a perfect way! What a thoughtful and intelligent way to parent your daughter! Your daughter is very lucky to have you as her parents. All the best to you...
Parent42girls
New Member
It is hard to believe that it has been less than a month since I made my first post. We have had so many twists and turns in our situation with our daughter and I am once again seeking advice.
Over the last few weeks situation has taken a turn for the worse. Our daughter initially agreed to our stipulations for allowing her to stay, but has not held up to any of them. She agreed to call an abuse hot-line, but said that she didn't think it was a problem anymore so she wasn't going to do that. She agreed to see a therapist, but as soon as I found one she said that she didn't need it anymore and said that she would not go if I scheduled an appointment. She agreed to being more involved with her peers then made several excuses as to why she couldn't do things with them.
Things really started to turn after a company from another state expressed an interest in her and asked if she would consider coming out for an audition. She was so excited to tell us about it. In fact I didn't answer my cell phone at first so she called her Dad's, her sister's, then called the house phone. She was dying to share the news with us and we were very excited for her too. We did not say anything to her about the fact that she would have to leave her boyfriend to pursue this opportunity and we were very happy that she didn't mention it either. Not one word about him at all during the entire conversation. She even called her grandparents to tell them. It looked as if all of her hard work was paying off and she was going to "make it." This was, of course, all before she told her boyfriend about it.
Fast forward one week and she told us that she didn't want to go to the audition, and that she wanted to "take a break" from her path, get a regular job and move in with her boyfriend when she turns 18. She has no interest in going to college either unless she can attend college where he is. She says she just wants a "regular" life. She says this decision has nothing to do with her boyfriend and that he has encouraged her to go. I can hear the conversation in my head, "You should go, I'm happy for you. I just don't know how I'm going to live without you. You are the only thing in my life that makes me happy. I should have known this was going to happen but I couldn't stop myself from falling in love with you. But you should go and don't worry about me. I'll be okay." He is a master manipulator.
We told our daughter to take some time to think things over and she said she would. Since then she stopped going to her classes, and missed a mandatory rehearsal so she could go hang out with her boyfriend while he was at work instead. I was so angry and when I asked her what she was thinking she said that she has for sure decided that she doesn't want a career and that she practically hates it. She said she didn't want to go back to it at all. She was done.
That was on Friday. I knew it was time to bring her home at that point while we still could. The only reason we let her go there was to pursue her dream, and since she was no longer doing that, she had to come home. At least until she is 18. I flew out Saturday morning, packed her up and we flew back home Saturday evening. She was shocked that her Dad and I actually went through with it. She came unwillingly but peacefully.
We will start therapy as soon as possible, but other than that we are at a loss for how to handle things. I am so hopeful that we can "reach" her before she turns 18 - we have four months. Not a long time for sure. I never imagined we would find ourselves in this situation.
Over the last few weeks situation has taken a turn for the worse. Our daughter initially agreed to our stipulations for allowing her to stay, but has not held up to any of them. She agreed to call an abuse hot-line, but said that she didn't think it was a problem anymore so she wasn't going to do that. She agreed to see a therapist, but as soon as I found one she said that she didn't need it anymore and said that she would not go if I scheduled an appointment. She agreed to being more involved with her peers then made several excuses as to why she couldn't do things with them.
Things really started to turn after a company from another state expressed an interest in her and asked if she would consider coming out for an audition. She was so excited to tell us about it. In fact I didn't answer my cell phone at first so she called her Dad's, her sister's, then called the house phone. She was dying to share the news with us and we were very excited for her too. We did not say anything to her about the fact that she would have to leave her boyfriend to pursue this opportunity and we were very happy that she didn't mention it either. Not one word about him at all during the entire conversation. She even called her grandparents to tell them. It looked as if all of her hard work was paying off and she was going to "make it." This was, of course, all before she told her boyfriend about it.
Fast forward one week and she told us that she didn't want to go to the audition, and that she wanted to "take a break" from her path, get a regular job and move in with her boyfriend when she turns 18. She has no interest in going to college either unless she can attend college where he is. She says she just wants a "regular" life. She says this decision has nothing to do with her boyfriend and that he has encouraged her to go. I can hear the conversation in my head, "You should go, I'm happy for you. I just don't know how I'm going to live without you. You are the only thing in my life that makes me happy. I should have known this was going to happen but I couldn't stop myself from falling in love with you. But you should go and don't worry about me. I'll be okay." He is a master manipulator.
We told our daughter to take some time to think things over and she said she would. Since then she stopped going to her classes, and missed a mandatory rehearsal so she could go hang out with her boyfriend while he was at work instead. I was so angry and when I asked her what she was thinking she said that she has for sure decided that she doesn't want a career and that she practically hates it. She said she didn't want to go back to it at all. She was done.
That was on Friday. I knew it was time to bring her home at that point while we still could. The only reason we let her go there was to pursue her dream, and since she was no longer doing that, she had to come home. At least until she is 18. I flew out Saturday morning, packed her up and we flew back home Saturday evening. She was shocked that her Dad and I actually went through with it. She came unwillingly but peacefully.
We will start therapy as soon as possible, but other than that we are at a loss for how to handle things. I am so hopeful that we can "reach" her before she turns 18 - we have four months. Not a long time for sure. I never imagined we would find ourselves in this situation.
DDD
Well-Known Member
Way To Go....but gentle hugs coming your way as I can only imagine how anxious and stressed you and your husband are at this time. Are you going to attempt to limit contact between them? I would bet my bottom dollar that he will not quietly fade into the background. Sigh. I sincerely hope that you are able to hook up with the "right" counselor/therapist and from a distance she will be able to "see" the problems. DDD
Wow, what a turn. I'm glad you followed through and went and got her. Hopefully with some time and distance, she will gain perspective on this situation an be able to see it for what it really was and is. I'm sure it's a relief having her home, safe and sound. Watch your backs, though (and hers). I suspect he won't go away without a fight, either.
Keep us posted!
Keep us posted!
Hound dog
Nana's are Beautiful
First, let me welcome you to the board. 
If she were my daughter, she'd already be home, with very close supervision and very little freedom. I'd be dragging her to dv group counseling meetings and to a therapist. There would be no argument.
At this point, there is her career or there is her life. Which one is more important?
The other responses were great and appropriate for an adult. But this is a 17 year old child. It is a parent's job to protect their child from harm, even if that child doesn't want to be protected. She would be home with no phone, no cell, no internet, no means to contact him whatsoever. She be attending dv counseling and therapy.
No, you won't be popular. No she is not going to like you very much for a good long while. But you just might have a slim chance of preventing her from throwing her life away.
Katie's husband was in his mid 20's when he sank his claws into her at the age of 14. Her biomom was too afraid of alienating her to step in and put a stop to the relationship. Katie is now 32, 3 kids, spent from the age of 18 on living on the streets never knowing where her or the kids next meal was coming from.......and that is most likely the high point of the relationship. She attempted to break free from him while pregnant with Alex.......was back with him shortly after his birth.
Sure, she may run back to him at 18. But at that point, it's on her, you've done all you could do. And I'm doubting after couseling (even if she just sits there and pouts) she'll be very eager to run back, especially if it is the dv counseling with other dv females present. Unfortunately.......I've never been able to get as far as katie going to a dv meeting.
During their teen years, Nichole's husband was very manipulative and abusive. I tried the routine one takes with an adult and got nowhere fast......it just gave him more time. Fed up, I forbid him in our home or even on the property. (interesting as by then they had Aubrey and he had visitation) He couldn't even call here. Nichole could see him......away from the house. She asked me why I did that and I told her because his treatment of her was disrespectful, abusive, and pure manipulation and that he was not going to be allowed back until he could treat her with proper respect and kindness. I don't think either took me serious, but after a couple of months when I refused to relent........Nichole began to realize his behavior for what it was and stopped letting him get away with it. It was a long drawn out process.........let me tell you..........but I don't see near as much manipulation, and when he tries 9 times out of 10 she tromps on it, and the abuse has stopped to my knowledge. And it took him about a year to be allowed back onto the property.
So why did I do that? Because it hit me one day that by just telling her that what he was doing was wrong wasn't enough. By letting him in the house ect, I was allowing him to disrespect and abuse my child........and that was the message I was sending her (although that was the furthest thing from my mind) AND him. Once I stopped, it made her look at his behavior differently.
Nichole's situation is a bit more complicated than yours as she was living at home and was pregnant before I even realized her now husband was abusive, as his main tactic was to turn it around so everyone believed it was Nichole (including Nichole). By that point it was impossible to tell her she couldn't have contact with the father of her child.
I dunno. I can't tell you what you should do or what is right for your situation. All I can do is tell you what I'd do based on my experience with 2 girls with abusive and controlling boyfriend's....who are now their husbands. One is worse than ever, the other cleaned up his act for the most part.
An awful situation for a parent to be in. But with the distance........the fact that the boyfriend didn't even think about following her to the new job opportunity......you might have a chance to put an end to this before god forbid she comes up pregnant and has to stay tied to him forever. Maybe exactly what she needs is for mom and dad to swoop in and rescue her, followed up by some really good therapy to help her figure out what attracted her to him in the first place or made her even consider putting up with such behavior.
(((hugs)))
If she were my daughter, she'd already be home, with very close supervision and very little freedom. I'd be dragging her to dv group counseling meetings and to a therapist. There would be no argument.
At this point, there is her career or there is her life. Which one is more important?
The other responses were great and appropriate for an adult. But this is a 17 year old child. It is a parent's job to protect their child from harm, even if that child doesn't want to be protected. She would be home with no phone, no cell, no internet, no means to contact him whatsoever. She be attending dv counseling and therapy.
No, you won't be popular. No she is not going to like you very much for a good long while. But you just might have a slim chance of preventing her from throwing her life away.
Katie's husband was in his mid 20's when he sank his claws into her at the age of 14. Her biomom was too afraid of alienating her to step in and put a stop to the relationship. Katie is now 32, 3 kids, spent from the age of 18 on living on the streets never knowing where her or the kids next meal was coming from.......and that is most likely the high point of the relationship. She attempted to break free from him while pregnant with Alex.......was back with him shortly after his birth.
Sure, she may run back to him at 18. But at that point, it's on her, you've done all you could do. And I'm doubting after couseling (even if she just sits there and pouts) she'll be very eager to run back, especially if it is the dv counseling with other dv females present. Unfortunately.......I've never been able to get as far as katie going to a dv meeting.
During their teen years, Nichole's husband was very manipulative and abusive. I tried the routine one takes with an adult and got nowhere fast......it just gave him more time. Fed up, I forbid him in our home or even on the property. (interesting as by then they had Aubrey and he had visitation) He couldn't even call here. Nichole could see him......away from the house. She asked me why I did that and I told her because his treatment of her was disrespectful, abusive, and pure manipulation and that he was not going to be allowed back until he could treat her with proper respect and kindness. I don't think either took me serious, but after a couple of months when I refused to relent........Nichole began to realize his behavior for what it was and stopped letting him get away with it. It was a long drawn out process.........let me tell you..........but I don't see near as much manipulation, and when he tries 9 times out of 10 she tromps on it, and the abuse has stopped to my knowledge. And it took him about a year to be allowed back onto the property.
So why did I do that? Because it hit me one day that by just telling her that what he was doing was wrong wasn't enough. By letting him in the house ect, I was allowing him to disrespect and abuse my child........and that was the message I was sending her (although that was the furthest thing from my mind) AND him. Once I stopped, it made her look at his behavior differently.
Nichole's situation is a bit more complicated than yours as she was living at home and was pregnant before I even realized her now husband was abusive, as his main tactic was to turn it around so everyone believed it was Nichole (including Nichole). By that point it was impossible to tell her she couldn't have contact with the father of her child.
I dunno. I can't tell you what you should do or what is right for your situation. All I can do is tell you what I'd do based on my experience with 2 girls with abusive and controlling boyfriend's....who are now their husbands. One is worse than ever, the other cleaned up his act for the most part.
An awful situation for a parent to be in. But with the distance........the fact that the boyfriend didn't even think about following her to the new job opportunity......you might have a chance to put an end to this before god forbid she comes up pregnant and has to stay tied to him forever. Maybe exactly what she needs is for mom and dad to swoop in and rescue her, followed up by some really good therapy to help her figure out what attracted her to him in the first place or made her even consider putting up with such behavior.
(((hugs)))
I'm glad you got her home but very concerned about the situation. I do not think the boyfriend is going to be very happy about this and will assert any control he can long distance to get her back. He may even come to her. Those kind of manipulators and control freaks do not give up easily.
From what you have said I am assuming your daughter is a dancer. I have a little knowledge of this as a career choice because my easy child did competitive gymnastics for years and was required to do dance as part of her training. She was friends with several girls who were courted or recruited by dance companies. Believe it or not gymnastics coaches recruit young gymnasts into their programs too promising all sorts of things including special in-house classrooms so that no time was lost going to school. None of the gymnasts who took this offer ever went on to the olympics which is the ultimate thing they aspire to. Many went on to compete in college but soon their four years were over and thank goodness they had a college degree to fall back on.
I'm not criticising a dancers dream but for such a young girl to go off on her own and try to navigate the young adult world while at the same time being in such an intense environment is very difficult indeed and there are many unscrupulous people out there ready to take advantage of them.
I hope you are able to have a session with the therapist first to explain the issues involved here. Hopefully this therapist is experienced in helping adolescents involved in a controlling and abusive relationship because I think she is going to need someone very good at that. She also needs time to figure out exactly what she does want out of life, a career in this field or to further her education, but in either case she needs help and to take time to build up her self esteem so that she never again allows herself to get into an abusive relationship.
Watch her close mom. She may have been through a lot more than she is willing to talk about right now.
Nancy
P.S. Good job reacting so quickly and getting her back home.
From what you have said I am assuming your daughter is a dancer. I have a little knowledge of this as a career choice because my easy child did competitive gymnastics for years and was required to do dance as part of her training. She was friends with several girls who were courted or recruited by dance companies. Believe it or not gymnastics coaches recruit young gymnasts into their programs too promising all sorts of things including special in-house classrooms so that no time was lost going to school. None of the gymnasts who took this offer ever went on to the olympics which is the ultimate thing they aspire to. Many went on to compete in college but soon their four years were over and thank goodness they had a college degree to fall back on.
I'm not criticising a dancers dream but for such a young girl to go off on her own and try to navigate the young adult world while at the same time being in such an intense environment is very difficult indeed and there are many unscrupulous people out there ready to take advantage of them.
I hope you are able to have a session with the therapist first to explain the issues involved here. Hopefully this therapist is experienced in helping adolescents involved in a controlling and abusive relationship because I think she is going to need someone very good at that. She also needs time to figure out exactly what she does want out of life, a career in this field or to further her education, but in either case she needs help and to take time to build up her self esteem so that she never again allows herself to get into an abusive relationship.
Watch her close mom. She may have been through a lot more than she is willing to talk about right now.
Nancy
P.S. Good job reacting so quickly and getting her back home.
rejectedmom
New Member
I am sad that she ditched her dreams and truly hope that it what she really wanted and not because she was manipulated by that fella. I think after a while in therapy that the truth will be known. It is possible she may have been feeling like this path wasn't right for her even before the guy came into the picture but only acted on it after he started taking to her about it. Afterall 17 is very young to decide on what you want to be and she made that choice a long time ago. I have a friend who's son wanted to be a professional flutist. He even went to Carnegie but after all his work decided it really was not what he wanted and droped it his senior year in HS. He went to college and got a degree in marketing and lives in NYC. He is really enjoying both his job and his life in general.
If not pursuing this career any further is indeed what your daughter truly wants all will be well. If not, I hope the therapist can hep her figure it out quickly and another route toward her goal can be found.
If not pursuing this career any further is indeed what your daughter truly wants all will be well. If not, I hope the therapist can hep her figure it out quickly and another route toward her goal can be found.
Parent42girls
New Member
Hound Dog. I appreciate both of your responses and I am glad that you didn't see my 2nd post before making your first one. Hearing the experiences of others who have been through this is important to me.
We start therapy on Wednesday. We will wait until after our first session to decide where to go from here. Right now we have not limited her contact with him. We are hoping that with therapy and our support she will realize on her own that she doesn't need someone like that in her life. We are being tring to be supportive, but not accommodating. Other than this current situation, she hasn't done anything to cause us concern so we are not quite ready to bring down the iron fist. We are trying to give her credit for all that she has accomplished so far and to empower her to make good choices for herself while under our guidance and not his influence.
I will admit to being a little sad over ending her career potential where she was. She has worked her whole life for this and I am hopeful (although not telling her so) that she will find her way back. But ultimately we want her to be a happy, healthy, responsible adult and that is much more important to us than what she does for a living.
Thanks again to all of you for your support and advice. I cannot tell you how much better it feels just to "say" some of the things that have been happening. Thus is just surreal.
We start therapy on Wednesday. We will wait until after our first session to decide where to go from here. Right now we have not limited her contact with him. We are hoping that with therapy and our support she will realize on her own that she doesn't need someone like that in her life. We are being tring to be supportive, but not accommodating. Other than this current situation, she hasn't done anything to cause us concern so we are not quite ready to bring down the iron fist. We are trying to give her credit for all that she has accomplished so far and to empower her to make good choices for herself while under our guidance and not his influence.
I will admit to being a little sad over ending her career potential where she was. She has worked her whole life for this and I am hopeful (although not telling her so) that she will find her way back. But ultimately we want her to be a happy, healthy, responsible adult and that is much more important to us than what she does for a living.
Thanks again to all of you for your support and advice. I cannot tell you how much better it feels just to "say" some of the things that have been happening. Thus is just surreal.
The other thing I would keep in mind is that there is likely a mental health component to this, such as depression. You may need to be agressive - because people who are depressed, are usually absolutely certain that they are not... and the more severe the depression, the more they tend to resist treatment.
Hound dog
Nana's are Beautiful
I ditto buddy. A complete gyn exam is probably in order, most especially if this was her first boyfriend.
I know it's sad about missed career opportunities. But where there is the will there is usually always a way, so hopefully in the near future that will repair itself or lead on to better things. Hopefully the therapy and time apart will have the desired effect, since she ended it a couple of times that is a good sign it probably will.
I know the common theory of someone being attracted to an abuser is due to the fact that they have some deficit within themselves. While that may often be the case, it's not always the case. Sometimes it's just due to inexperience and being naive, or the abuser is quite skilled and doesn't show the behavior until they're certain they have a firm hold.
Hang in there. This is some rough stuff to have to watch her work through, I know.
Hugs
I know it's sad about missed career opportunities. But where there is the will there is usually always a way, so hopefully in the near future that will repair itself or lead on to better things. Hopefully the therapy and time apart will have the desired effect, since she ended it a couple of times that is a good sign it probably will.
I know the common theory of someone being attracted to an abuser is due to the fact that they have some deficit within themselves. While that may often be the case, it's not always the case. Sometimes it's just due to inexperience and being naive, or the abuser is quite skilled and doesn't show the behavior until they're certain they have a firm hold.
Hang in there. This is some rough stuff to have to watch her work through, I know.
Hugs
