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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 742326" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I have so much work to do and can't hang out here. Not.</p><p></p><p>OK. All of this is possible. Maybe probable. I think that only you can make the determination to what extent there is danger. And to what extent you are served by staying. None of us could know what you would lose by separating.</p><p></p><p>I think what SWOT is saying is that for her, there is already enough danger, that she would leave. But you and SWOT are not the same person, and your situation is different than the one she faced.</p><p></p><p>But you are afraid. I think you need to honor those feelings. And listen. Your primary responsibility is to your daughter and to yourself. In that, I agree with SWOT. It is just that I think these things can be complicated and need sorting out. We need to listen to all parts of ourselves, not necessarily the voice that is dominant this particular moment.</p><p></p><p>Your husband right now is overwhelmed by fear and grief. And so he seems to be responding like a Macho male, with a taking control voice: <em>My way or the highway.</em> Let's see how that works out for him. I hope he changes the channel and begins to tolerate some of his pain and guilt and fear. And if he does he will turn back to you. But that does not mean you need to stay.</p><p></p><p>A friend told me about somebody she knows who has a difficult adult child (fetal alcohol syndrome) who moved home <strong><em>with a new wife and a new baby</em></strong>. The father was on board one hundred percent but the mother, while she shared responsibility for the decision, felt that she had lost herself. They had the financial resources that she could get an apartment so that she could preserve her own sense of personhood. The marriage is very much intact. People solve things in all sorts of ways. The goal is to stay in communication and in hope and true to oneself. That is how I see it.</p><p></p><p>Just as your husband can see this his own way and decide to give ultimatums, you can do something similar. You can hear your fears, and you can choose to leave, temporarily or permanently. You are not obligated to stay in a situation that you find frightening and overwhelming. You did not create it. It is not your responsibility if you choose to not take it on. And it does not mean that your husband will not wake up. But I find it uncaring that he is even voicing the idea that your daughter should "deal with this." But I have empathy for him because the one who cannot deal with it, seems to be him. (To be honest he sounds kind of hysterical and over his head right now. I can relate totally.)</p><p></p><p>But I am not advocating that you take one action or another. I am supporting you to listen to yourself, and supporting you to do what you need to do. Just because we understand and we would want to help, does not mean that we must.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 742326, member: 18958"] I have so much work to do and can't hang out here. Not. OK. All of this is possible. Maybe probable. I think that only you can make the determination to what extent there is danger. And to what extent you are served by staying. None of us could know what you would lose by separating. I think what SWOT is saying is that for her, there is already enough danger, that she would leave. But you and SWOT are not the same person, and your situation is different than the one she faced. But you are afraid. I think you need to honor those feelings. And listen. Your primary responsibility is to your daughter and to yourself. In that, I agree with SWOT. It is just that I think these things can be complicated and need sorting out. We need to listen to all parts of ourselves, not necessarily the voice that is dominant this particular moment. Your husband right now is overwhelmed by fear and grief. And so he seems to be responding like a Macho male, with a taking control voice: [I]My way or the highway.[/I] Let's see how that works out for him. I hope he changes the channel and begins to tolerate some of his pain and guilt and fear. And if he does he will turn back to you. But that does not mean you need to stay. A friend told me about somebody she knows who has a difficult adult child (fetal alcohol syndrome) who moved home [B][I]with a new wife and a new baby[/I][/B]. The father was on board one hundred percent but the mother, while she shared responsibility for the decision, felt that she had lost herself. They had the financial resources that she could get an apartment so that she could preserve her own sense of personhood. The marriage is very much intact. People solve things in all sorts of ways. The goal is to stay in communication and in hope and true to oneself. That is how I see it. Just as your husband can see this his own way and decide to give ultimatums, you can do something similar. You can hear your fears, and you can choose to leave, temporarily or permanently. You are not obligated to stay in a situation that you find frightening and overwhelming. You did not create it. It is not your responsibility if you choose to not take it on. And it does not mean that your husband will not wake up. But I find it uncaring that he is even voicing the idea that your daughter should "deal with this." But I have empathy for him because the one who cannot deal with it, seems to be him. (To be honest he sounds kind of hysterical and over his head right now. I can relate totally.) But I am not advocating that you take one action or another. I am supporting you to listen to yourself, and supporting you to do what you need to do. Just because we understand and we would want to help, does not mean that we must. [/QUOTE]
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