New member needs advice about daughter's pot use.

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by runawaybunny, Sep 8, 2015.

  1. runawaybunny

    runawaybunny Administrator Staff Member

    New member @Flori sent the following message looking for support and advice. I am starting this thread on her behalf.

    My 22 years old daughter is a pot addict. The story is a little longer: we have 2 daughters, 6 years apart . She is the oldest one. The youngest one is now 16. When the elder one was 16, she started to become lazy like almost all teenagers but started to gain weight. My husband especially was telling her to start moving, to do sports , etc. she started to become more insecure, and ashamed of he'd body but wouldn't do anything other then blaming him for saying that. I didn't know then , but she started to smoke pot, drink and cut herself sometimes. We found out later that she was also sleeping around with whoever boys were around and considering that as a punishment for her father . She is very Smart getting good grades, went to university . Got a boyfriend lots of problems and got into crazy periods of panic attacks, depression , anxiety attacks, fighting all the time with us and that boy, going to emergency, calling police couple of time sand making her and our life miserable. Doctors said that she would have borderline or depression . She is taking now anti depressants and smoking pot few times per day every day, quite school, leaving with another boyfriend and being out completely most of the time. She is working for about 400 every week in a restaurant and coming home sometimes . You can't talk or hang out with her, she has no clue about days,, time, family, sister, life or sacrifice or respect or anything . To us she looks like she is lost and this is killing us.
     
  2. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Hi Flori,

    Welcome to the board. All of us understand your situation. We have been there too. My son is 26. He has used marijuana to excess. Has diagnoses of depression and anxiety and he has suffered from body image issues and social anxiety. He receives SSI but is now working.

    To me, that your daughter is working and taking anti-depressants is huge. My son will not take medication and he would not work until recently.

    This is what I have learned in less than 5 months on the board:

    They have to find their solutions themselves.

    Setting firm boundaries helps them (and us.) These are rules I have for myself:

    Do not permit violence or abuse or robbing or disrespect by my son in my house. Do not accept threats of self-harm. Call the police.

    He pays his own way. He lives independently. Non-negotiable.

    No money, no buying stuff, no getting him out of scrapes or debt. (there may be an exception, but not usually.)

    The less said, the better. Now when I speak to my son on the phone I say Hi, and Bye and maybe 3 or 4 other words of my choice. I do not remind him. I do not tell him what to do. I do not give him advice.

    He has been homeless off and on for 2 years. Now he is not. He says marijuana is not a priority. He is living with a family. He is working 6 days a week. In his last call to me he told me he loved me very much.

    Is everything perfect? No. But it is better.

    I worry a lot about his health problems. I say nothing.
    I worry about his mental health. I say nothing.

    Our relationship is worlds better. (Because I do not talk.)
    I have way more hope. I am better.

    From my experience, I do not trust diagnoses, no matter how much an authority they or I think they are. Until they stop all substance use, nobody knows.

    I admit, the cutting by your daughter is concerning. Still, she is young. A lot can happen. Good things too. I worry that my son will not survive to get better. I am still keeping my mouth shut.

    This was key for me. I realized I did not have faith and hope that things could get better. Now, I know they can. I have hope now for my son and myself.

    I know I raised him well. I have confidence in both of us, now. That we will work this through.

    This is a huge change for me. I have faith in us.

    Keep posting. I am glad you are here. You will learn a lot.

    COPA
     
    Last edited: Sep 8, 2015
  3. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hi Flori and welcome. Is your daughter in counseling now? It sounds like her anxiety and depression may be driving her pot use and cutting. It also sounds like her self esteem is low and she is looking for other things to make her feel good. Where does she stay when she doesn't come home? Do you think she would agree to go to counseling?
     
  4. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hello and welcome to the SA forum. It sounds like your daughter is struggling but is functional. Many of our loved ones weren't able to get good grades and work while they were abusing pot and other drugs. Hopefully you daughter can be helped before she falls to far.

    I agree with Nancy that your daughter needs intensive counseling. You said that she was on anti-depressants so I assume she has seen a doctor. A good doctor should have suggested ongoing therapy.

    Keep posting. You will find incredible support and understanding here.

    ~Kathy
     
  5. Hope1972

    Hope1972 New Member

    I am saddened to hear about the route your daughter has taken. Your story sounds like my daughters, only my daughter hasn't held a job in 4 yrs. Sadly enough the pot is actually recommended for the issues of depression and anxiety but, rarely used in the correct ways. The pot found on the street is mixed with garbage most of the time, the idea of using natural medications is great but, in conjunction with counseling. I never understood the use of alcohol. It's a depressant, why on earth would you logically use a depressant when your are depressed. I have explained this to my daughter. Much like trying to treat diabetes with sugar over load. I caught my daughter cutting when she was 14-15ish and told her if I saw it again, I would take her to the local hospital for mental assistance. she stopped. Most of what she does seems like a cry for attention. I hope you find a way to detach. It is a daily struggle for sure.
     
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Actually, I think prescribing pot for anxiety and depression is irresponsible.

    I have suffered from both of those things all my life and do take medications and tried pot, but it was very bad for me. It made me paranoid, something a person with anxiety doesn't need, and gave me feelings of being in a dream. This is called depersonalization and sometimes pot triggers it and it may never go away and it's a horrible feeling. Fortunately, that didn't happen to me, but it could have as I also have had bouts of depersonalization. Also, pot did not make my depression better. It just sort of made me too spacy to care. My antidepressant makes me feel like ME, not a muted, strange version of me. All it does is control me from getting too depressed. Pot was bad for me.

    I can't imagine how pot could help with depression or especially anxiety unless it is to make you care so little about anything that you still have those symptoms, but t hey don't bother you because you don't care...lol. I don't know. Maybe it's different for everyone, but until they know more about it, I'm sad to hear they are prescribing pot for almost anything under the sun. Like alcohol, it is going to be wrongly used by many mentally ill people, especially after it becomes legal everywhere. And it will.

    Actually, it may as well be legal now. It's so easy to get. And not everyone benefits from it. I don't know the good of having a lack of motivation...

    JMO
     
  7. SeaGenieTx

    SeaGenieTx Active Member

    Well said Copabanana! I totally agree with you where you said:

    They have to find their solutions themselves.


    Setting firm boundaries helps them (and us.) These are rules I have for myself:

    Do not permit violence or abuse or robbing or disrespect by my son in my house. Do not accept threats of self-harm. Call the police.

    He pays his own way. He lives independently. Non-negotiable.

    No money, no buying stuff, no getting him out of scrapes or debt. (there may be an exception, but not usually.)"


    Setting firm boundaries is very, very difficult. I've caved on many occasions. I've warned my son about disrespecting me and "my house, my rules". Went in one ear and out the other. I bailed him out of jail 3 times, will never do that again.

    Biggest words of wisdom from me: They lie, lie, lie and use manipulation and guilt, know how to play on our emotions to get what they want. Took me a while to see thru all this but now I'm done and learned my lesson. My son is out, he cannot live under my roof, he will never disrespect me again. Until he gives up drugs, has a full-time job or is in school full-time, we have no relationship. You can't negotiate with addicts.

    He has to be out on his own, clean up or hit rock bottom. Of course everything is MY fault since I kicked him out... he'll use that excuse forever. Not my problem anymore. He's 23, almost 24. Can't blame his momma forever. Time for him to deal with life and for me to keep up those boundaries and pray to God he doesn't end up dead or in jail again. It's the hardest thing I've ever done but if I don't detach and keep enabling him - then it is MY fault.
     
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