New Member Needs Help

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Chrisga7, Apr 1, 2016.

  1. Chrisga7

    Chrisga7 New Member

    I have just joined this group, feeling relieved to find a place where others have gone through similar thinks my husband and I are going through. Our sons life went down hill at age 14. Expelled from high school, we sent him to a therapeutic boarding school for 2 years. Then private school after that. VERY difficult child to raise. Drugs & alcohol started back up, especially in college. With mostly D's & F's we told him he could not waste our money any more & couldn't go back. That was last May. In June we kicked him out. Had him physically removed by the police. Besides calling me a f... retard repeatedly, he was completely impossible to live with. Loud, messy, disrespectful, swearing, drinking & smoking in house when told not to. We have an 11 yr old girl, & I could not expose her to this any longer. The minute he enters a room, all dynamics change. Our home was in constant uproar. He went to live with a friends parents and work at a car wash. He was arrested for public intoxication. (he paid the fine & did community service). They kicked him out, & the car wash fired him. Went to live with some guys in a house and work at another car wash. He was arrested for DUI, we did not get him from jail. His roommates bailed him out. He is paying fine and doing probation. But 3 days ago they kicked him out. He is impossible to live with & did not pay the rent. My husband had just given him $80, and he had $200 from work, so we knew he had some money. He has slept outside in a wooded area near that house for 2 nights. But last night, we don't know where he slept. He called my husband begging to put him up in a hotel, but we said we could not give him any more money. Boarding school, private school, 2 years of college which was wasted is enough, right?
    --We are at our wits end worrying about him, and feel SO bad that he has nowhere to sleep. Are we doing the right thing? Should we buy him a phone to keep in touch? (he has a month to month one, but goes long periods with paying it, so no connection)
    --we lost our 2nd child to pneumonia 12 years ago, & I am going crazy worrying about my son.
    --we think he might be bi-polar , no diagnosis yet (husbands mother had it & son is showing all sighs for 2 years now).

    I really appreciate any input anyone has who has gone through similar circumstances, thank you very much
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi there. This post probably should be moved to the PArent Emeritus forum for adult kids.

    This is my opinion. My daughter used drugs, and we spent a a lot less on her thaN you already have on your son. We coildnt have afforded it. We made her leave and she quit using even cigarettes and is a successful partner, mother and anti drug lady twelve years later. She did go to a two year college after she got.clean and we didnt pay. She took out a from my perspective, I think part of the reason oir wayward kids stay that way is because we are always throwing guilt money at them, even once they are out.

    I consider it fortunate that this guilt money was not even an option for us. She knew it and realized there was no money in the bank for rescue, a motel, anything. She had two young siblings and our concern was raising them after she had made the police a frequent visitor in theirrhome. Enough.

    And she quit and it was pretty fast. This was a kid who started at least smoking pot by age 12. Today, she is wonderful. I personally dont believe its good to buy cars, and everything else for our kids. Gives them a sense of entitlement until we finally stop. And most of us do finally stop. Kids who.may be.mentally ill.have to admit it and clinics for treatment. We legally cant do it.

    Thats the back story of my kid and where im coming from. I think you have gone over the top helping him make a good life for himself and he is thumbing his nose at your courageous effort to help him. I would suggest, and remember we all have our own opinions, cutting out the money, hotels, rescues now or he will not have the desire it takes (and its not easy) to quit using drugs and join society.

    Your son can and in my opinion should apply for benefits. With that comes a free phone. If you do get, id get a basic phone for calls and texting. If he needs the internet there is a library. Also there are food pantries and homeless shelters.

    Your son could be in his warm bed tonight or learning to be something outstanding as a hard working college student. Instead, he shunned his education and wouldnt get a job and used drugs and was so intolerable you showed him.the door. He knew he was behaving badly and chose to.keep.doing it.

    Well, just got iff work and waiting for a ride so I gave you a novel. Sorry. And im sorry you have to be here.

    Remember that everyone has her own ideas on things. Take from.everyone what you like and leave the rest. And remember that you are an important person so treat yourself gently if your son gets abusive, you can end the discussion pronto. I hang up the first second one of my two ex difficult kids forget to be respectful and it rarely happens. You get treated the way you demand to be, but it can take time to train kids who are used to blaming their horrible decisions on us. I wish you a good day.

    Take care.
    Last edited: Apr 1, 2016
  3. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Hi Christga. Sorry for what you are going through.

    I agree with SomewhereOutThere. And if you reread your own post, you already KNOW the answers to your questions.

    Tough love is so hard but it so works. We just did it too. Good luck and keep posting because it helps!
  4. ColleenB

    ColleenB Active Member

    Welcome to this forum, I'm new too and it has been such a big source of support and advice for me these past few months....

    I had been desperate for understanding and compassion, and found both here.

    Keep reading and posting.... It helps.
  5. Roxona

    Roxona Active Member

    I'm sorry for your pain and fear, Chris. I agree with SWOT that you need to take care of yourself, and start letting your son take care of himself. It's such a hard thing to see our children struggle when all we ever wanted was the best for them. Heck, I'm probably the worst at sayings I'm going to be strong and not worry after my son, but last night at 3:30 am, my son hadn't come home for the third night in a row and I found myself checking his phone account to check for signs of life! Ugh!

    Anyway, welcome. This has been a really great place (really the only place) for me to vent my sorrows. I hope you find some comfort here.