New member needs new ideas!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by shayden, Oct 19, 2011.

  1. shayden

    shayden New Member

    My 5 1/2 year old is going through testing soon, so I don't know exactly what I'm dealing with...nevertheless I have tried EVERYTHING under the sun in an attempt to yield cooperation to no avail. Beginning from birth I clung to Babywise, Happiest Baby on the Block and later Happiest Toddler on the Block, Love and Logic, 123 Magic, time outs, spanking, paddling, yelling, talking quietly, ignoring, star charts, I even tried to do the exact same reward system the school used...none of the mentioned methods worked consistently. My child's explosive behavior came bursting through any lull or break we had from her impulsive, defiant behavior. Her biggest struggle is attachment lately to me as she just began kindergarten. I am now wrecked with guilt thinking I didn't give her enough of my attention, love and time during her pre-school years. I just don't know how it could be possible though because I am exhausted. I give give give my all to her and it is never enough attention, hugs, love, and when I say it is enough she explodes. I really don't get it. I know there is such a thing as negative attachment, which sounds cruel to me because I feel like I have given her my all, but am now second guessing myself!!!!! Any suggestions, comments, tidbits???
  2. shayden

    shayden New Member

    "God doesn't require us to succeed; he only requires that you try." -Mother Teresa

    Mother Teresa
  3. Chaosuncontained

    Chaosuncontained New Member

    Welcome. So glad to hear you are getting testing. I really have no advice for you but the ladies here are awesome (!!) but they will need more information regarding your daughter. What is she doing exactly? How was her birth? development? How does she socialize? What problems is she having in school? How does she sleep? Is she on any medication? What? How much?

    The more info you can give the more advice they can give you that is spot on. They want to help you, I promise. and they are very smart and helpful.

    If you don't get a lot of response tonight be sure and check back tomorrow!!

    Big hugs.
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    HI, and welcome to the board.

    Who in the world told you this is about attachment? Is she adopted?

    I would bide my time and be good to myself. This isn't your fault at all. Right now you don't even know what is wrong and you may not know what's really going on for many years. Are you going to see a neuropsychologist? I like them best for testing. Are you in the US? Can you tell us more about your child...early development, social skills, motor skills, triggers, how she does when transitioning, what her main problems on, genetic history...anything will help us give feedback. Traditional parenting usually does not work with our kids.
  5. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Hi, shayden, and welcome.

    Yes, lots on this board have gone before you... !

    First, the problem is NOT parenting. Not that we can't all improve in some way but... this is a problem that comes as a result of something else.

    So... the real challenge is to find out what "something else" is. And it could be one thing - or 3 or 10. It doesn't matter. What does matter is getting to the bottom of things. What works for an Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) kid may be totally wrong for a bi-polar kid, for example. There is no "one" approach that works for everything.

    Can you tell us a little more about her early years?
    Walking, talking, all those milestones - normal? delay? advanced?
    Are there times when she's better and times when she's worse? Do you know what the cycle is or what the triggers are?
    Motor skills? fine and gross (at this age, gross shows up in things like throwing a ball and riding a bike, and fine in scissor use and shoe tieing)
    Hearing? Vision?
    Eating? is she really picky, only wants certain foods?

    Anything you can tell us, may be recognizable from someone else who "has a kid like that".

    Meanwhile... sounds like you've tried lots of stuff. Have you run into "The Explosive Child" yet? There's two sides to it - we found it helpful because it explains where many of these kids are coming from - the unmet needs you may not have thought about. It also provides an alternative way of thinking about how to approach the problem. Many libraries have it, if you don't want to get your own at first.
  6. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Welcome Shayden! I am glad you found this board. As you read thu old posts you will see there are many many of us out there, you are not in a small club. It is a huge shift in thinking to switch to the way that you are probably going to have to parent your child. Lots of us on this board were either parents of kids who needed typical parenting or are teachers/daycare providers/ therapists/ etc....who thought we had a good handle on how to help kids and then reality hit! I second getting The Explosive Child. In addition to great idea and a way to frame what is going gave me permission to actually feel good about picking and choosing some battles and letting others go (for now) even when others around me thought I was letting him get away with murder. To this day when things slip out of control for a while I go back to the principles of just picking the biggest, most critical behavior (s) and only really working on those so that overall anxiety and struggle in our family can go down. when I nag and work on every single behavior, it can be too much for my difficult child. He needs his brain in a calmer place to be able to work on big things.

    I agree with others that it would be helpful to know more...overall development/social skills/etc. What do you mean by attachment issues, is she clingy or doesn't want to be with you? Is she adopted or does she have any medical history that interrupted your bonding. Or is this just how it all feels because of what is going on with her behavior? Not criticizing or anything, just throwing out ideas/questions that many of us may relate to and then we can share our journeys with you better.

    I'm glad you are here and will be great getting to know you and your precious difficult child.
  7. keista

    keista New Member


    I can totally relate to the need for never ending attention. As soon as DD1 was old enough, I shipped her off to day camp during the summer. Entertaining her was EXHAUSTING, and it took a whole staff to do it. Your daughter's need for attention has absolutely nothing to do with anything you did or didn't do. It's the way she was born. So, now you are trying to figure out what "that way" really is.

    Everyone has already asked the basic questions. That input is very helpful so we can better help you. What kind of testing is she going for soon? Hopefully it will be comprehensive, and not focused on whatever the evaluator already "thinks" it may be. DD1 has gone through 2 evaluations. The first was a year ago and ruled OUT Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD). Of course, we weren't really thinking along those lines. At least I wasn't. Since I was never given a questionnaire targeting that, I'm guessing it was a VERY basic evaluation, or the evaluator just didn't see it either. The last one was this past Monday, and I was concerned because the evaluator already seemed to think that DD1 had an Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD). Well, she opened my eyes to that very real possibility. Still waiting on the report and official findings.

    Anyway, my point is that you will have experts tell you all sorts of things. You'll need to research them yourself and make sure it makes sense to YOU. If it doesn't, question, research, and question some more. And in between all that, practice taking a step back from your daughter and try to observe her objectively. :) As if you weren't busy enough, right? Oh, and make time for yourself too! But seriously, that is a must. You need to stay stable and sane and whole to best help your daughter. Can't do that if the candle is burnt at both ends.

    Welcome again! :notalone: