new member who just gave 21 yr. old difficult child the boot

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by peace and joy, Jul 25, 2007.

  1. peace and joy

    peace and joy New Member

    Hello, fellow Warrior Moms! I just joined and already feel so much support from reading all the posts.

    Yesterday, my difficult child son, blew off probation. That was the final straw; I had to make him leave.

    I don't know where to begin, so I will start with the present, which is heavy on my heart right now. He was living with me and his 2 teenage siblings. He came from rehab and was supposed to go to an inpatient program (drug addict: oxycontin). He ruined that because he was kicked out of rehab for passing a note to a female resident (this was just one of many infractions). Then he found a halfway house. This house was adorable (white picket fence, front porch, nice yard). He sabbatoged that too! With nowhere to go, I let him stay with me. He was working at the time, and I thought we could help each other. Until he got fired for being a "no-show". He's been hanging around making a half-a_ _ effort to find a job.

    When he didn't go to probation yesterday, after I offered to drive him (he lied and said he had a ride, but didn't really go)... I lost it. I finally had the nerve to make him leave. I got so angry, I hate that feeling.

    This morning he showed up at my front door and asked to come in to brush his teeth and get a few things. I let him. He asked his 13 yr. old brother for a back-pack. He put a few things in it; I gave him $20 for food, we hugged and he left. He's officially a homeless bumb. This is the same little boy who walked to school with a back-pack on his back!

    I keep reminding himself to let it go and give it to God. I know he's right where he should be, floundering around bottom. If he finally hits bottom I pray he bounces back!
  2. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    if you ahve read about know I understand. the PO should be notified, so your son can be placed in jail. my son is headed there again soon, before he kills himself with alcohol or someone else.

    I am glad you did not enable him as you would still have the same problem. making him leave is a lesson in itself. a hard one for you both I admit.

    I love ant. I really do. I cannot live with a substance abuser and that life. ant also abused oxycontin at one point. he stole his dad's supply and sold it and took 18 of them himself. should have been dead but survived to to go jail two yrs. now waiting to go back.

    at some point we have to let go let God. I totally believe in God and his plan but I one of these days God and I are going to have a talk as to why he will not cure my son. sigh.
  3. peace and joy

    peace and joy New Member

    thanks for the advice about cotacting the po. i had the number in my hand this morning, but for some reason didn't call. to be honest i wasn't sure how this whole process works. unfortunately, you know from experience.

    remember: god works in mysterious ways.

    goodnight and godbless!
  4. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You did the right thing. You know your limits. I suggest starting right now to figure out what you will do when he asks to move back in.
    What will you require of him? Rules? Punishments? Probation requirements? Payment of rent, food?

    It is good to be prepared for that. Some difficult children when they hear those rules decide they can not come home. Good - they know their limits and you know yours.
  5. KFld

    KFld New Member

    I know how difficult it was for you to make him leave because I did it myself with my son 2 years ago next month. He was 18 at the time, heroin addict, 2 rehabs and waiting to go into a state rehab ordered by the courts. He started stealing and forging checks from us and stealing everything in site to support his habit.

    Asking him to leave was heart wrenching, but I knew I had to do it. It took him awhile to get it, but he will be 10 months clean on Sunday, has lived in a soberhouse for 9 months, works full time and has just come out of a horrible relationship that I pray he never returns to. Her and the drug were just as lethal.

    Know you are doing the right thing because allowing him to stay home and continue to do as he has been would just be enabling him to stay on the same path.

    I'm glad to hear you hugged :smile: He knows you love him and that is what I told my son when he walked out the door that I loved him with all my heart, but I couldn't continue to watch him kill himself. He has never had one negative thing to say about my making him leave, but has told many people that it was the best thing I could have done for him. Your son will know that also someday, if he doesn't already.
  6. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Welcome aboard. Sorry you are sharing difficult child living. I don't have
    time to post much; however, I think there is some disagreement
    whether it is best to call the PO or not. Personally I would not
    do so. To me it makes sense to let "natural consequences" fall
    into place. He missed an appointment. He missed a UT. Chances
    are the PO will be looking for him on his own. He owns his choices and the consequences. I wouldn't want him to either blame his Mom or feel betrayed by his Mom. in my humble opinion it's on his plate. Sending hugs yours way. DDD
  7. kitty9259

    kitty9259 New Member

    warm welcomes!Sorry that life has brought you here.I'm new here too, and we are all suffering to our own degree with the hand that we were delt. I love just reading the posts, they reassure me that I'm not alone, and give me strength every day, I hope you find some peace here, I know I have.
  8. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: ant'smom</div><div class="ubbcode-body">the PO should be notified, so your son can be placed in jail. my son is headed there again soon, before he kills himself with alcohol or someone else.


    I dont know why I said this. the PO should know...but as a mom I would not call him. I had been very tempted to call because I know it would put ant in jail and save him from himself and his suicidal thoughts. then again, I have turned him in before and it is not a good feeling.
  9. peace and joy

    peace and joy New Member

    Thanks to all for your input!

    Thankfully my son hasn't called, begging to come back. been there done that, I won't take him back in no matter what. I packed the rest of his belongings tonight. I read his jourmal from rehab. He only kept a journal beacause he HAD to. Although what I read saddened me, it also made me angry. I was lied to and manipulated more than I thought.

    I absolutely did the right thing, for his sake and the family. He wasn't going to make any changes any other way.
  10. catwoman

    catwoman New Member

    Just wanted to say and welcome.
  11. peace and joy

    peace and joy New Member

    Thanks, catwoman!
  12. peace and joy

    peace and joy New Member

    As difficult as it was to make him leave; it was more difficult living with him.

    His behavior sounds similiar to your son's. Thank God for your son's 10 month mark!!!

    This is a huge wake-up call. I am buckling down on my teenage son and daughter now. They both had a little too much freedom. It's strange changing the tide so to speak. I tend to be a "waffler" with my children (and in other areas now that I think about it). Huge to you and you difficult child! :smile:
  13. peace and joy

    peace and joy New Member

    Yes, natural consequences sits right with me.

    Hope your grandsons are well!

  14. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    A reply to your situation. I have been there and done that also. My son was on probation about 3 years ago (he is 24 now and in jail). I finally called the probation officer and had them lock him up for failure to pay and continually using drugs. They were not even drug testing him. Actually he may have saved his life to be in jail. When he finially violated probation, he was sent to a correctional facility for 10 months. There he could have gotten his GED, drug classes, etc. He did not do it. After he came home again, it was fine for a while but started all over. The friends, drugs, he had a 40 hr. a week job he lost, etc. He is now in jail for possession of marijuana 3rd offense. I will not bail him out. He cannot come home until he proves he wants help. none of his drug using friends will have him. He was a good kid and still has a wonderful heart when he is not trying to manipulate me. His Dad is very supportive - I have a 17 year old son that is doing great and does not need hiim at home. My daughter is 21 and flew the coop about 2 years ago because of the situation. So I think you are doing good and I know what you are going through. Keep practicing tough love.
  15. Jen

    Jen New Member

    Welcome to the board. We are here to listen.