New Member

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Skylark Matrix, Jul 23, 2007.

  1. Skylark Matrix

    Skylark Matrix New Member

    Hi, I am new here . . . and looking forward to lots of help. My adopted daughter age 20 is ODD and I am at my wits end. She completed high school (I work there) then all hell broke loose when she left home to attend Bible College. She spent 18 months walking on the wild side of life and finally came home about 9 months ago. She can do reasonably well at home, but of course thinks she can do better on her own, after all, she is not a kid anymore. She is planning on taking a college course in a nearby town this fall. I purchased a revenue duplex for living arrangements because there is a housing shortage and no apartments available. She has now decided not live there. I am having a very difficult with the temper tantrums, disrespect, etc. Looking for a friend or two here that understands and has time to "talk" to me.
    Skylark.
     
  2. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Welcome Skylark!

    You found a wonderful caring place, and there are a lot of moms (myself included) who are in your shoes. I wish I had better news for you, but given your specific problem (an adult child), there is not a whole lot you can do for them. You cannot make them get help. You cannot force them to do anything.

    It is at this time, when a parent has a child of legal age, when we suggest to the parents to try and detatch. By detatch, we do not mean stop caring about the child, but stop pouring all of our energy into worrying about them. They are grown and will do as they wish. It is time for you to take care of you.

    On thing that helps is the serenity prayer:
    God, grant me the serenity
    To accept the things who cannot change
    the courage to change the things I can
    and the wisdom to know the difference.

    We are glad you found us, but sorry you had to. There will be many other warrior moms along to share their wisdom too. Again welcome.
     
  3. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Welcome to the board Skylark!

    Once upon a time I thought life with grown difficult child's would be a breeze. (they wouldn't be living under my roof) Then my difficult children grew up and I had to face reality.

    It's rough at times to see your child asserting their independence when they're not making the right choices. I mean you can't really just shut off the protective mother mode. It's a process. Like BBK said.... detachment.

    Unfortunately once a child is over 18 there isn't a whole lot you can do. They have to want to make the right choices and be willing to listen.

    I wonder..... if there is a housing shortage where you are if difficult child will eventually come to realize it on her own? Natural consequences can be the best teacher.

    ((hugs))
     
  4. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    My daughter definitely thought she was an adult and could make her own rules here. I finally gave her a choice: follow the rules or move out. She chose to move out. After being kicked out of one apartment, joining the carnival, being homeless, she called and asked to come home. I agreed with the proviso that she follow certain rules. She's been home a month and has done a good job of following those rules. She's become a much more pleasant person to be around.

    So, I would suggest you let your daughter try living on her own. She may succeed but if she doesn't, you will have a little more leverage on forcing the house rules.
     
  5. Irene_J

    Irene_J New Member

    Welcome! Just how is your difficult child going to manage in another town and not living in a place you provide? I bet you can figure it out, but she hasn't yet. If you leave her alone, she will.

    Just let it go. Tell her you have an old suitcase she can take or that she can have your old pots and pans. Let her know you are going to change her room into an office.

    Our kids have such pie-in-the-sky thinking. If I learned anything from this board, it is to let natural consequences take their course.

    She'll get the picture if there is no one drawing it for her. And you'll get a chance to exhale.
     
  6. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    hi and welcome from me too. she is 20 and you have no power over her. if she wants to go, let her and let her see how good life is with mom.
     
  7. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Yep, yep, yep----I agree with the others, Skylark. If she thinks she can do it on her own then let her try and then you rent the duplex to more appreciative college students.

    Welcome! :smile:

    Suz
     
  8. KityKat

    KityKat New Member

    I'm also new here and I don't quite know where to start. My 19 year old daughter had behavior issues for a while but nothing I seriously thought were that far from ordinary. She was an excellent student in HS and went to a University 3 hours from home. She had been a handful the summer before she started College because in her words she was 18 and didn't want to obey any house rules. She felt coming home at 4 AM was perfectly ok. We butted heads alot over issues like this but I still thought it was just normal rebellion. I had enough control to take her the keys of the car she was using and take her cell phone.

    At college she just didn't do a thing (dropped two classes and flunked the other two), decided she hated the area the school was located in and either partied or "played" on the laptop I got her for HS graduation. I had no idea what she was or wasn't doing. When we spoke she said things were good and she was doing well.

    Christmas break I told her if she wasn't planning on obeying the rules she shouldn't come home. She assured me she would follow the house rules (we have another daughter 16 and still in HS).
    That, of course, was a lie and after working a double shift at her part time job she came home to find we were still out and she took this as a pass to leave the house at 11 pm for the evening. Coming home in a friends car there was an accident in which she was badly hurt and needed surgery. She recovered and received a big chunk of money. She could have gone back to the University but used the accident as an excuse to her friends as the reason she couldn't return. She promised she'd go to a local college for at least two semesters so she could transfer to a school she thought she would like. Then she received the money and she's out of control. First she bought a brand new car and then instead of putting the rest of the money in a CD for her future she's walking around with it in her checking account and carrying hundreds of $ in her purse at all times. She has totally refused to obey any house rules and has been out 6 nights this week most till 4 am and after. I don't know what she's doing or not doing in school. I'm don't know what we should do either. She tried to rent an apartment but local complexes don't want to rent to students so it would either be drop out of school or stay here. She now thinks IF she pays board she should be able to do what she wants. I (we) don't want to see her give up school but we also don't want to have her try and run the show here either.
    Thanks for listening
    Kity
     
  9. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    to KittyKat,
    Doesn't sound like school is a very high priority so can she rent an apartment as a working person?, meaning she will need to get a job. Do not co-sign on the apartment, however. If she has the money let her find a place of her own. Sounds like it is time to let her find her way....difficult when you know they could do so well at college, but it's really a matter of how long YOU want to put up with her antics....

    It also sounds like college for her is your dream, not hers. If she doesn't value it, it will have little meaning to do well. Let her find a job and sit out of college for a while, there's always time to go back.


    to Skylark Matrix,
    Sounds like you need some detachment...let her try it out on her own and if she doesn't like the living arrangements you have provided let her find her own....and as I stated above it's a matter of how long YOU want to put up with her antics....

    Hope you both find some peace in your home and welcome to the board...
     
  10. mom_to_3

    mom_to_3 Active Member

    I have always told both my difficult child and my easy child's when they reach 18 or graduate. This is our home, your father and I make the rules you can choose to live here and abide with our wishes or you may make and live by your own rules in your own house. Very simple, no arguing needed. As you would know it, our difficult child has had to argue every day of her life! There is only arguing if her father or I engage with her, I prefer not to argue, love, love, love that peace. Do not engage with that bad behavior!
     
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