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Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by niddum, Sep 13, 2015.

  1. niddum

    niddum New Member

    hi i am new to this or nay other forum though i have read many. Two girls 29 and 25. one adopted one not younger one had some issues when moved away from home but is back home working 3 jobs and a pleasure to have around. Two sons got involved with weed in high school grade 8. Don't anyone tell me it is not a gateway drug makes criminal behaviour ok. Oldest boy has ADHD and fetal alcohol syndrome. Tall good looking major learning difficulties. has always stolen little things from us and from stores. Moved him to a different community with his dad to give a fresh start after things went south in the very small community we live in. Poor school limited opportunities, and he was in with the wrong crowd. Was stbbed ar a party and was very close to death. Made it and seemed to do well in new school then started doing crystal meth and selling too. Was stealing form his dad and dad said enough. Ended up living on the street did a couple of months in jail. I thought that that it would 'smarten' him up. Make him realise the road he was on and it did for about two weeks. He came back to live with me conditions were no drinking, no drugs and no stealing. First week he was drunk twice sorry sorry all the usual. Then he gets picked up because he did not check in with his probation officer- he forgot. Back out and home constantly asking for money given chores kind of does them but only if he gets paid. Last week spoke to school met with him and them they will take him back he is 18 and with two courses he can get an adult dogwood.
    Yesterday went into town gave him allowance and then bought three video games for the PS 3 already bought to keep him occupied. Last night he leaves and money is gone form my purse. I had had things go before but this time it is absolutely obvious. Tell him this morning that he has to go. I am crying I think he will end up in jail or dead or both. He comes back forgot shoes and I am thinking of giving in. He goes away again into his room its locked so get in games system and the all the games are gone. So there he had been standing in front of me with his backpack heavy with items that stolen form my home saying how he needs another chance and he will change. I have heard this so many times that I cannot count.
    So I sit here typing feeling like my heart will break being sad and angry. I did not raise a thief and not I am concerned he will go to the community where his dad and younger brother are. his brother has been doing OK with a great deal of parental control but seeming to do ok. I am terrified that he will bring his brother down with him.
    My head says that it is the right thing to do but my heart says I should have tried harder. I am so happy and sad to hear so many other parents in the same boat. I am married to the same man for 34 years I work full time as nurse and spend all the money on the kids and home. I keep trying to tell myself I did nothing wrong but its hard to keep thinking when both boys one mine biologically are so disruptive and in trouble. Don't drink, don't do drugs and I don't even smoke.
    niddum
     
  2. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Welcome Niddum,

    I am so sorry for what you are going through. I am glad you found us here, you will find support and understanding.

    It was very brave of you to tell your son that he had to go. I know how hard it is to do that.

    Please don't feel guilty. There is no such thing as a perfect parent. We ALL make mistakes and can look back at our parenting and think I should have done this or that differently. We cannot go back, we cannot change what has already happened. All we can do is move forward.
    If you loved your children, fed them, clothed them, taught them right from wrong, comforted them when they were scared or sick, etc... then you have done all you can and that is enough.
    Your son has made his own choices, you have no control over him. The consequences of his actions are his alone.
    Mothers guilt is so common and is also so damaging. We want to swoop in and take care of everything but that doesn't help, it actually harms.

    It's okay to let go, it's okay to tell him he has to figure it out for himself.

    You will get through this. You are here with us now and you are not alone.

    ((HUGS)) to you........................
     
  3. Sherril2000

    Sherril2000 Active Member

    I'm so sorry you're going through this. Oh how I agree with you pot is certainly a gateway drug. It makes them feel everything is ok, lying, stealing... Like you, I'm a nurse & have given so much to my kids. I agree with Tanya, you have nothing to feel guilty about. You did what you had to do. He really left you no other choice. My own son is in jail right now, & I'm hoping he will straighten up when he gets out. Unfortunately we can't keep them safe like we did when they were little. So true what Tanya just said, it actually harms them when we try to jump in & fix everything. This has been such a hard lesson for me to learn, & I still struggle with it daily. I bought a great book that was suggested by many here, "Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children." It has helped me tremendously. Praying for you and your son. I know the fear and heartbreak worrying where your child is can bring.
     
  4. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome niddum. My heart breaks for you because I was standing in your shoes five years ago having made our daughter leave because of her drinking and pot use and stealing and staying out for days at a time without knowing where she was. She would come home at 4 in the morning and pass out. I am so with you on the pot thing. One day after she has graduated from rehab and promptly relapsed and began living with her drug friends she texted and asked if she could come back home. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life but I said no. I wanted to give in and believe that she would change but I knew she wouldn't. I felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest. I couldn't breath.

    I gave her a choice to either go to a sober living house or stay on the street. She chose the sober living house and began her long journey up. She told me recently if I had let her come back home she would have just continued doing what she was doing.

    The only thing that saved me during that time was finding a support group of parents from a rehab center in our city and also Families Anonymous which kept my sanity.

    I will think of you tonight just starting out on this journey and hope you find some help and eventually some peace. Drugs are awful.
     
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